tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post7494970657320215336..comments2023-10-11T02:09:22.882-07:00Comments on Woman.Anonymous7: One Year Laterwoman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-26262104485421905922008-06-03T09:45:00.000-07:002008-06-03T09:45:00.000-07:00"I would never choose to experience the pain I've ..."I would never choose to experience the pain I've felt over the last year, but at the same time the opportunities for growth and learning this pain has presented have been profoundly life changing in a positive way, and I'm grateful for that."<BR/><BR/>This says it all for me too. <BR/><BR/>This is the day you mourn the death of your old life. This is the day you celebrate the birth of the new. Condolences and congratulations, Woman A.Mary P Jones (MPJ)https://www.blogger.com/profile/10251787926841410344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-78220205022660624682008-06-03T09:35:00.000-07:002008-06-03T09:35:00.000-07:00Thank you for your response and giving me an alter...Thank you for your response and giving me an alternate angle from which to view the issue. You are right. I am not looking for more negativity right now. My negative feelings are more than enough for one person to carry. I guess that is part of accepting the powerlessness. If I share, I cannot control the emotions and reactions of the other friends and family.Stephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500366732825965987noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-63475380066562249712008-06-02T15:38:00.000-07:002008-06-02T15:38:00.000-07:00What an inspirational post you have made it a year...What an inspirational post you have made it a year - I wish you and your family the best.Wait. What?https://www.blogger.com/profile/16914656489970904052noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-33455736257104213912008-06-02T11:28:00.000-07:002008-06-02T11:28:00.000-07:00Stephanie - I have not told my mother and I don't ...Stephanie - I have not told my mother and I don't plan to. Her bad feelings would forever be a challenge to my effort to create a healthy, loving relationship with Husband for myself and also for my son.<BR/><BR/>I understand the feeling of being a fraud. The fact that there is something very large and profound that I'm now keeping from loved ones and close friends has caused me considerable discomfort and stress at times. But because I am choosing to work to create a good relationship with Husband, I won't do anything that will create and environment that undermines that. I have a hard enough time understanding, even with all the reading, therapy and support. I don't want to count on the understanding and compassion of others regarding Husband's sex addiction and his betrayal of my trust. I believe that our conversations create much of the context for our lives, so I don't want to create negative conversations around us when I'm working so hard to create a positive outcome. <BR/><BR/>I’m not going to lie about or even minimize the truth if it comes out, but I’m not going to initiate conversations about these issues with people who can’t do something about the problems. I selected 4 close friends I believed would be able to refrain from judgment, and relied on them when I needed support. All the other support I’ve reached out to has come from anonymous groups and therapists.<BR/><BR/>That being said, nobody can tell you what is right for you to do. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing by choice. I'm working to keep my marriage together because I feel that it's the best choice for <I>me</I> given my personal priorities. I did not make my choices to spare Husband the consequences of his actions. I make my choices based on the outcome I want to create. <BR/><BR/>If people are urging you to do something that feels wrong to you, that feels not just difficult, but fundamentally opposed to who you are and what is right for you, I want to be clear that I am not advocating for that approach by the choices I've made or the things that I've shared on my blog. <BR/><BR/>Just as I can't control whether or not Husband will betray me again, neither can I control his experience of the consequences of his actions. I can't protect him, or make choices to help his recovery. I can only take actions to create what I want for myself, which is what I've done. True, I could take actions that I believe will have negative consequences for him, but in reality what he makes out of the circumstances or challenges he faces will be up to him. In other words, Hhe can make lemonade out of lemons if he chooses to do so. And so can I. <BR/><BR/>That's an over-simplification, and I'm not saying that everything can be turned into something great. But I believe I can empower myself in the face of the unknown, unanticipated, unwanted, unwelcomed, or I can be dominated by those things. So my choice is to do my best to empower myself (easier said than done, definitely a one-day-at-a-time process.) Whatever benefits Husband seems to derive from the choices I make that are good for me are not really relevant to me. What is important is that I feel on the path to becoming stronger, happier, healthier, more self-expressed, more able to be my own source of self-esteem. <BR/><BR/>If you feel that your choices are getting you closer to where you want to end up, based on my experience I'd say that the accompanying discomfort (and that may be an understatment) is part of the growth. But if you don't feel like you're getting closer to a better place, you might reflect upon what <I>would</I> get you on that path and seek support for taking those actions.woman.anonymous7https://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-7313298478526328432008-06-02T08:54:00.000-07:002008-06-02T08:54:00.000-07:00It gives me some hope that you have made it a year...It gives me some hope that you have made it a year. Today - June 2 is the 2 year anniversary of the day my husband first physically got sex outside of the marriage (outside of the porn and chatting with hookers, etc). We had come home from a 10 day trip to Disneyworld the night before. He returned to work (a Friday) and he called a hooker named Little DeDe RubRub for a massage and handjob on the way home. In fact he passed our home talking to me on the phone as he did to go 20 minutes further to get this handjob. I hate him today for destroying our marriage. He wrote a review of her performance. She had kids at home. The whole thing is sick. I can't stand this duality of loving a person who did something so sick. I feel like I am hugging Hitler and telling him it will be ok.<BR/><BR/>I am curious, did you ever tell your mother after that first day? At my therapist's urging, I have not told her or most people. But I feel like I am going through each day like a fraud. My marriage is based on lies. I could have my annulment through the church with no hassle and yet it is eating me up like a cancer to have to create more lies to protect my husband while he heals from telling the old lies. I don't want him alienated from the family but I am sick of perpetuating this facade at the same time. If we divorced, I would have no problem telling everyone. Why am I urged to keep lying to keep the marriage together?<BR/><BR/>StephanieStephaniehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07500366732825965987noreply@blogger.com