tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83454629811158094992024-02-08T01:46:42.992-08:00Woman.Anonymous7This is an open journal of my experience coping with infidelity and sex addiction. Or...What To Expect When You Weren't Expecting.
woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.comBlogger408125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-55762544222999547642023-05-25T21:52:00.001-07:002023-05-25T21:52:37.757-07:00Addiction has its own agenda<p>This week in Tahoe has been both relaxing and emotionally excruciating. </p><p>Tahoe is beauty, wherever you look. The lake, the snow covered mountains, the beautiful homes and little old cabins nestled into the pines. The weather has been perfect--just warm enough to spend the days outside hiking beaches and getting to know the California side from top to bottom.</p><p>But all week I've been struggling with gut wrenching anguish at the loss of my marriage and my relationship with my partner of 34 years. I feel a burning ,churning, pounding in my center, as if the heart has been ripped out of my body leaving a nerves raw and exposed.</p><p>I've realized that I have not fully let him go, and I can see better now where it has to happen. </p><p>When he started dating so suddenly, I was put face to face with the fact that at any moment someone could become more important to him than me. That would be natural and appropriate, given that we're not working to get back together. But it's still painful to know that I'll be replaced in the heart of the person who has been the most important person in my life and who I felt so important to, the love of my life, for nearly 35 years. </p><p>I've come to consider that we have both learned what we can and grown as much as we can grow while being together, and that maybe the only way we can continue to grow as people, as humans, is apart from each other. Maybe he needs to be with a different woman to have a chance to be the person he wants to be––someone who does not bear the scars he gave her. And maybe I need to learn that I have to have expectations, that I don't have to accept being treated badly, that I am worthy of better. That submitting to being alone is better than submitting to a partnership in which I'm not cherished and treated with love and respect. And maybe we can only take these next steps apart.</p><p>But I've also been thinking that this doesn't mean we cease to exist for each other. As I thought about it, I realized that because of what we experienced together, traveling from young adulthood to and beyond middle age, he will always be an important person in my life. Even if I fall in love with someone else who becomes my partner in life, the Addict can still be someone I love deeply and who I would always be honest and real with. And not just because he's the father of my son, but because he's a human being who was truly doing the best he could when we were together. I believe he wanted to do the best. But he was not up to the task, for whatever reason. He's been scarred a lot, too, and he's trying to work through all of that. So he could not see beyond his feelings of selfishness, self pity and entitlement to live up to his promises and commitments to me. But maybe that could be possible with someone else. </p><p>Thinking of him loving another woman and treating her the way I wish he had treated me is crushing. But that doesn't matter. Letting him go so that it's not crushing is my work. Accepting that we gave and received as much as we could and that our relationship as a married couple has come to a natural end is my work. It's absolutely gut wrenching, but so many true spiritual growth opportunities are. </p><p>Tonight, the three of us women have been a little bored, frankly. We've seen the sights, hiked the hikes, cooked and dined out, played games and had the conversations about this and that. And yet somehow I feel empty and hollow. Is this all there is to life after all? After the intensity of everything we did in our 20s and 30s, and of being parents, raising a boy, making big life decisions together, I'm separated from that closest most intimate bond I had and will spend my remaining days playing cards and watching streaming services and doing puzzles with the gals?</p><p>Losing my relationship with the Addict is an existential blow that I never planned for. Even after 2007, when I first found out about the betrayals and the lying. Even then, I believed we'd work things out together and spend our old age walking around holding hands and taking care of each other and enjoying every moment of life we had together. Because we were for each other. I didn't know how addiction would snap back with a vengeance. Addiction has its own agenda that is not influenced one bit by what I want in this situation.</p><p>As I sit here my insides are chaos––burning and churning and tearing and anguish right in the center of my body below my sternum. Part of me knows there is no going back, no road to repair. He has crossed so many fundamental lines with me, and he's shown that he can't or won't stop doing that. And he cannot yet set down the filters installed by the pain he's experienced in life and distinguish how they have affected the way he sees and experiences me. And part of me is still devastated and utterly grief-stricken by the loss. I cannot find words adequate to this pain, but it's an existential anguish that goes to my core. And part of me is angry with him for not having integrity and for not being able to get well enough to have a shot at spending our lives together. Part of me misses him profoundly and feels a vast emptiness without his presence in my life. It's an emptiness that hurts, right in that same center place in my body. </p><p>Going through this is exhausting. I wish there were ways out that I liked. But this is a path I must walk even though I don't like the journey right now and I don't like where the path looks like it's going. I have the opportunity to not resist the pain and it's probably the best opportunity available to me. Only when I stop resisting and accept can I find new joys and purpose.</p><p>I need some rest. Maybe sleep will help me process some of this. It feels so overwhelming.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-50472956966672779962023-05-21T08:52:00.000-07:002023-05-21T08:52:21.981-07:00Wounds reopened<p>Sitting with this, with the reality of how fast he's moving on, I've become present again to all that the Addict has taken from me: my partner, the love of my life, the past I thought I had, the future I thought I had, the financial security I spent so much time trying to create for us, family holidays, probably our family house. And I'm afraid to trust again. I'm feeling a lot of pain about things I felt I had moved through.</p><p>This is what I texted to him last night:</p><p><i>I just have to tell you that I am overwhelmingly present again to how much you have taken from me and how much you have destroyed in my life and how much pain you have caused me. I have lost so much that it has taken my lifetime to build. And I lost all of this not because of something I did, but because of what you did.</i></p><p><i>And I just cannot understand why you did it</i></p><p><i>And I don’t think that you’re telling me the truth about today because it doesn’t make any sense what you said. That you paid $81 to park your car at the hotel and then rent a car to go on a date with somebody you just met on a dating app. because you have dog hair in your car. It does not make sense.</i></p><p><i>Why did you do this to us? Why did you kill us?</i></p><p><i>The only logical answer is that what we had was not good enough.</i></p><p><i>You wanted and felt entitled to more.</i></p><p><i>All of us, Son included, have to live with the consequences of what you did to our family, the choices you made so you could have orgasms.</i></p><p>He wrote back: </p><p><i>You’re right </i></p><p><i>I have come to have some insights into why I did what I did. Ultimately it was all extreme selfishness. There is no excuse.</i></p><p>And he sent the "proof" in the form of screenshots of his chats with his date and his Google map record.</p><p>And he said:</p><p><i>Did a very stupid thing in renting a car because I didn’t want to make a terrible impression with my car.</i></p><p><i>It was dishonest and I am going to tell Jill that I did that. </i></p><p><i>I am probably not going to see again. We were not intimate.</i></p><p>He asked if I needed anything more, but I didn't respond until this morning. I asked for the receipts he had said he'd provide that he didn't provide. And I said this:</p><p><i>Also, please think about how you will explain to Son that you assume full responsibility for the destruction of our marriage which I tried for 15 years in good faith, based on promises you made to me and ongoing lies you told, to repair, despite all of the pain and anguish I experienced in 2007 and the subsequent years. We will need to explain when we tell him we are moving forward with divorce.</i></p><p><i>Based on a comment that he made to me, I think he hold me responsible for the fact that we are separated.</i></p><p><i>I want him to know that it was not a failing on my part to try as hard as humanly possible, and to give as much as I could possibly give. It was a failure on your part, to be honest and to treat me with love and respect.</i></p><p><i>He doesn’t need to have details that he doesn’t ask for. And I don’t want to ruin your relationship with him at all. But I want him to be clear so that the quality of my relationship with him and his regard for me is not another loss I have to contend with.</i></p><p>He's read it, but no response so far.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-78005075901323437572023-05-20T18:10:00.004-07:002023-05-21T08:39:35.938-07:00The Addict is already dating<p>I'm a little gut-punched. I talked with the Addict on Monday evening about wanting to move forward with divorce. Today at 5:25pm a charge came into our joint account from the Addict's credit card for $81 at a hotel near the airport. I immediately forwarded the notification to him and asked, "Getting a room at the airport hotel?"</p><p>He texted back right away. "No.</p><p>"Paid for parking for a day."</p><p>"Sorry about that!"</p><p>Definitely felt like a lie to me. Then he texted, "Rented a car for a day."</p><p>He ended up calling me a few minutes later because he said he thought I might feel activated by the charge—which I did. I thought of all the times he secretly met with prostitutes at hotels while we were married—lying to me about where he was going and what he was doing. It's so painful when I am present to it. He was the person I trusted most in the world, the person I was most vulnerable with, the person who know me more deeply than anyone else and still loved me.</p><p>He explained over the phone.</p><p>"I had a date. She wanted me to pick her up and my car was full of dog hair, so I rented a car."</p><p>Five days after I told him I wanted a divorce, he's dating. (As it turns out, the date was yesterday, so it was only four days turnaround time.)</p><p>None of my business, and I'll be happy for him if he enjoys dating and finds someone else, but it's jarring as hell that it's so soon. I feel discarded. Like I was easy to move past. </p><p>I know all of this is emotion and hurt and activation around thinking about everything that happened in the past. I feel so angry about what he's taken from me—the life I loved that I thought we had. The trust I had with him, like a bond I had with no one else. I feel trivialized and I feel like our 34 years together have been trivialized by his ability to just go out and date. </p><p>He asked me about it on Monday, though. "Does this mean I can date? I don't think anything will happen, but I'll know that I don't have to stop it," or something like that. <br /></p><p>I don't blame him. It's been 16 months since he moved out. I've been lonely. I'm sure he's been lonely. And I know there's that part of him that feels entitled to sex. </p><p>I feel angry that he's going to one day meet someone and treat her the way he should have treated me. I think that's it. I think that's what is taking my breath away right now.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-90880867725814034562023-05-15T22:22:00.002-07:002023-05-25T20:53:48.375-07:00Something more important than fear<p style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: Merriweather, Georgia, serif; font-weight: normal; line-height: 21px; margin: 0px 0px 15px; padding: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: transparent;">"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear." - Franklin D. Roosevelt</span></p><p>I told the Addict today that I want to move forward with divorce. </p><p>It's something I have been resisting, because parts of me don't want to do it. It's so hard to let go of everything—the past and the future I thought I had and that I wanted. It's terrifying, but it's the next rational step, and all I've been doing is putting it off. The Addict has shown so much disregard for me, my health, my emotional and psychological well-being, my explicitly stated boundaries and my anguished pleas to him to just not lie to me again. There's no universe in which it makes sense for me to give him ANOTHER chance. The avenue of repair has been exhausted. Nothing can change what he has done to our relationship. I pray often for the serenity to accept what I cannot change and courage to change what I can. This is that. This is both of those things, no matter how painful it is. </p><p>People treat you the way you let them treat you. He has crossed so many boundaries so many times that there is just no going back, no matter how many parts of me want it not to be true. I have to take responsibility for finding myself where I am. I don't regret the choices I made, but I also cannot make the same choices again, because I don't want the same result.</p><p>I'm also terrified that Son will never forgive me. He doesn't know the details, which I've kept from him on purpose. I don't want to damage his relationship with his father by giving him intimate information that really doesn't involve him. (Mental health experts have also advised this.) The Addict is still a good father, and I believe he'll continue to be a good father, no matter how short he has fallen as a husband, partner and friend. But I think Son will see this outcome as a result of me not being willing to work on making things better. He said as much when I admitted to him—after he asked—that I was dating. "I guess Dad has more faith than you," he said, or something like that. I hope someday he'll understand that I did everything I could and more. But I can't give up my self and my self-respect by giving the Addict yet another chance when he's shown willing disregard for me on so many levels over decades. I know this is the better way for both me and Son, but I don't know if or when he'll see it that way.</p><p>My gut is churning and my heart is breaking. This is not what I wanted for my life. Not what I wanted for my son. Not what I wanted for my family. I didn't choose this and I didn't cause this. But I have to deal with the fallout.</p><p>But I guess this kind of unexpected turn of events is part of life. My situation is not unique. Finding out you have a terminal illness, getting killed or paralyzed in a car accident, losing your child: so many things one cannot control can and do happen. Our opportunity is to face them head-on with a calm, open heart, being present to life as it is—including the pain, sadness and anguish—and finding peace, serenity and happiness in the fleeting and groundless reality of human existence.</p><p>What is important? That is the question it forces. </p><p>I have this moment. I can face each moment and sit in any discomfort and choose to be and to feel and to experience and to love instead of reacting to escape the discomfort, retreating into whatever will numb, dull or deflect the pain that is part of my whole human experience. </p><p>Why do that? </p><p>I'm not entirely sure. But I think it has something to do with the profound experience of being present. Being present in the fullness of the moment, with all the pain and joy and confusion and fear that can be there, feels like the best gift I can give. It's the most vulnerable I can be, and also the most powerful at the same time. Submitting to the reality of what it means to be alive means I can more fully experience life. I think.</p><p>I guess I'll find out. </p><p>I am strong. I am grateful for so many things. I'm grateful to be alive, grateful for Son, for my family and friends, and even for the Addict, who provided so much that was good for so long, in spite of whatever else he was doing. I'm grateful for my life experiences, for the ability to support myself, for my house, for my job, for my electric car, for my health, for being born in this country and this moment in history. The list of things I can feel gratitude for is long. I am lucky. I am alive and I am loved. I'm a human being in this moment in time in the fleeting instant that humanity represents against the billions of years that is the lifetime of the universe. Maybe the "reward" for being present to it all is the experience of grasping for a moment how precious it all is.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-34474114355489150732023-02-05T17:48:00.000-08:002023-02-05T17:48:20.621-08:00Letting go<p>Today was the day that I had to let go of our little black dog. He was probably nearly fourteen years old, and he was full of arthritis, in pain and unable to get himself up anymore without assistance. I hope I didn't wait too long. It's a hard decision to make, but I tried to do it responsibly. He passed away at the vet around 4pm today, with me by his side. </p><p>Letting go. Letting go.</p><p>Also, my dad emailed me again today. He actually sounded more rational than he has in a long time. So I decided to respond. I hope it wasn't a mistake.</p><p>Letting go, letting go. I've let go of so much with him already. One last time. Last time. </p><p>Letting go of clinging to money has meant that I decided to pay for a training gym. I go three times a week for semi-private training and I've lost nearly 10 pounds since December 31. </p><p>Letting go of clinging to money has also meant that I got my house painted, which it has needed for years. It looks beautiful and clean and fresh. </p><p>Letting go. Letting go. </p><p>Letting go has meant that I'm accepting the end of my marriage and I've been dating. </p><p>Letting go has meant having an open mind about who might be a good partner for me. I'm trying to get past my tendency to be attracted to brilliant narcissists--a product of growing up with brilliant narcissists.</p><p>The thing I will not let go of is my right to have boundaries and the right to take responsibility for myself and my choices and not accept responsibility for other adults and their choices. Letting go of the need for people to be other than they are and letting go of the notions that I can change anyone and that I need to keep unhealthy people in my life.</p><p>Letting go. Letting go. There is freedom in it, as well as grief.</p><p>I'm trying.</p><p>No mud, no lotus.</p><p><br /></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-87889054273016698052023-01-04T12:33:00.000-08:002023-01-04T12:33:23.515-08:00Letting go of clinging to money<p>One of the things I want to let go of is clinging to money. I often put things off because I'm worried about spending the money. But this can turn into a bigger expense later. So I'm going to let go of clinging to money and focus on using money appropriately.</p><p>Clinging to money comes out of a fear of not having enough. My parents were irresponsible with money, and we always lived paycheck to paycheck. I've never felt like I had enough money. I don't want to say I'm letting to of the fear, because that feels too simplistic. We've been bombarded by "just let go of it" as a solution. But what doesn't get faced gets pushed down to fester. I want to <b>be with that fear, see where I can take responsibility, and take action on those points. </b></p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Be present to the fear.</li><li>Identify actions to take.</li><li>Take action.</li></ul><p></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-62257168131820209022023-01-02T14:04:00.003-08:002023-01-02T14:04:37.531-08:002023: A Year of Letting Go<p>This is going to be a year of letting go. I don’t know what that will look like, but I’m hoping that it will create flow and ease.</p>
<p>Inside of a year of letting go, I want to clean out my house and get rid of things that I am not using, including clothes, books, and other household items. I also want to let go of old habits so that I can create new ones. I want to let go of being sedentary. I need to let go of my marriage. (That's a big one.) And along the way, I will have to let go of some things, and maybe many things, every day.</p>
<p>I want to let go of my need to control things and arguments about that with my mom so that I can respond more positively and have the best relationship possible. </p><p>I want to let go of resentments about being the only person who I can count on in my life. That is a source of power and I can meet that with <b>gentle gratitude that I am <i>able</i> to be independent and take care of myself.</b> </p><p>I may need to let go of other relationships. I may need to let go of my job, and I want to let go of my dissatisfaction with my job. I need to let my son go out into the world with my full support, and without the burden of my worry and concern.</p><div>RELATIONSHIP</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Let go of my marriage</li></ul></div><div>FINANCIAL: </div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Let go of excess spending </li><li>Cancel all my unneeded subscriptions (Apple, streaming
services, digital news subs, MyWoof and other dog things) </li><li>Cancel all my parked
URLs </li><li>Cancel Amazon subscribe and save that I don’t need Look for all other
automated charges and cancel those </li></ul></div><div>HEALTH</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Let go of excess weight</li><li>Let go of old habits and excuses not to exercise</li></ul></div><div> STUFF</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Clean out photos on iCloud
</li><li>Let go of stuff I don't use or need or want</li><li>Clean out fridge, freezer and cabinets</li><li>Clean out storage shed and garage</li><li>Let go of subscriptions to email lists</li></ul></div><div>MENTAL</div><div><ul style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Let go of black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking</b></li><li>Let go of dissatisfaction with my job</li><li>Let go of limits on my career</li><li>Let go of waiting for the perfect moment</li></ul></div><div><br /></div><div>Ultimately, I want to let go of what I think I know and how I think things are. That will free me up a lot. A year of letting go. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next step is to attach actions to all of these things, such that if I do the actions the results will follow.<br /><div><br /></div></div>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-24905253986550514422022-12-05T21:02:00.002-08:002022-12-05T21:13:57.817-08:00Don't Worry Darling<p>I just watched "Don't Worry Darling" and I'm a little freaked out because that's what the Addict did to me. He let me believe I was living in a happy life while he was doing the life that he wanted to do. He made me feel crazy, lied to my face about things I saw and felt that were real. Took my automony through those lies so that I could not choose. Pathetically keeping me where he wanted me in a fake world because in the real world he felt terrified and unseen. So fucking unnerving.</p>
<p>And just like at the end of the movie, I feel the pull of the happy life I thought I was leading. And like Florence Pugh, I have to make a choice. And I have to choose myself.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-71247312002684016792022-11-13T14:54:00.003-08:002022-11-13T15:29:21.656-08:00Why can't I just do the thing that makes sense?<p>After our post-disclosure couples session, in which the Addict told me that he still wanted time--a year--to work on the new person he feels he is becoming (have heard that before), we talked and I told him that I don't need to be divorced right away. I said that my main concern is that he poses a financial threat because he's been, until recently, willing to drink and drive. Our house is a big part of our retirement plan and I don't want to lose it if he hurts or kills someone while drunk driving. I told him that if he can add a breathalyzer to his car that will keep it from starting so he can't drive drunk, then I'd feel less urgency to divorce. After all, he's already out of the house and I am free to date whomever I want, which I've started to do. I'm free to live my life on my terms. I don't hate him. So divorce doesn't feel urgent to me, except for the financial aspect. </p>
<p>WHY CAN'T I JUST SAY IT? Why can't I just do the only logical thing on the table and GET DIVORCED??</p>
<p>I think I came across the answer today, and it's something that I've thought before, but maybe now is the time I'm ready to face it.</p>
<p>In <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Maybe-You-Should-Talk-Someone/dp/1328662055/ref=sr_1_1?crid=16NJHSQB52B3K&keywords=maybe+you+should+talk+to+someone&qid=1668382093&sprefix=maybe+you+s%2Caps%2C164&sr=8-1"><i>Maybe You Should Talk To Someone</i></a>, Lori Gottlieb writes, "If I live in the present, I'll have to accept the loss of my future."</p>
<p>Before Round 2, I had been so looking forward to the rest of my life with the Addict. As far as I knew, the horrific, hurtful things we had dealt with as the result of his sex addiction were 14 years behind me. What stretched out in front of me was a beautiful growing-old with someone I loved deeply. Family holidays, travel, grandchildren, rocking chairs.</p>
<p>If I live in the present, I have to accept the loss of that future I was so looking forward to, so invested in, so happy with. </p>
<p>If I live in the present, the future becomes a big unknown. Unknowns are scary. I'm 58. It's not like I have decades ahead of me to start over. I feel like it's now or never to get things right. Maybe I'll never find someone I want to be with as much as I wanted to be with the Addict--someone funny, creative, caring, brilliant, musical, affectionate, gentle and loving. Maybe I won't find anybody else who will love me enough to make me their Person.</p>
<p>If I live in the present, I'll have to accept the loss of my future. I am stopped by grief and fear.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-36257272054029981482022-11-11T14:27:00.005-08:002022-11-13T15:34:47.159-08:00Second Disclosure<p>We went through the disclosure process again. But this time we each had our own therapist there instead of just our couples therapist. I prefer this, because it feels better to have someone that's on my "team" rather than someone who is on the team of coupleship and repair. (Although, a couples therapist shouldn't be on any team--it's really for you to choose as you work with them.) Last time around, we started repair way too fast. That was my decision because I didn't know better.</p>
<p>Anyway, I sat through the litany of the Addict's confessions feeling surprisingly detached, but still present. I didn't cry. At the end, I didn't feel much of anything. But a lot of feelings came later. There have been so many lies, and that was something I wasn't really cognizant of until disclosure. There was no new Awful Thing. It was really the vastness of the lying that took my breath away. And the ease and regularity with which he did it.</p>
<p>As I tried to get my thoughts together for our first couples session after disclosure, this is what came out as I wrote.</p>
<p><i>Statement to the Addict</p>
<p>Hearing the truth of what you’ve done and the secrets and lies that have been going on since the inception of our relationship has helped me understand that the bottom line is that you want to do what you want to do, but you don’t want any consequences from your choices, so you are willing to lie to me, no matter how that affects me. I know this, because you’ve seen how it affects me, you’ve watched me go through deep pain and sadness, and yet you continued to do it. You have repeatedly risked the lives, health and well-being of our family to do what you wanted to do—spend retirement savings, drink and drive, drink and drive with our son in the car, betray me by having sexual contact outside our marriage. You hid the truth of it because you did not want the consequences of your choices and actions.</p>
<p>Hearing that your definition of sexual sobriety is that you can go online and masturbate to another woman’s body once a week for 15 minutes sounds to me like telling an alcoholic that he can have a glass of wine once a week as long as he drinks it in 15 minutes. Looking at images of women online to get you aroused is always the first step toward you having sex with prostitutes. That is not a willingness to surrender to your program and to having a secure, loving relationship with your wife, in which you turn toward me—and work things out with me—instead of outside the marriage into fantasy and prostitutes. It’s the same pattern of doing what you want to do, and following your own thinking—which has normalized pornography and prostitution. This makes it clear to me that the sexual stimulation you feel entitled to is more important to you than your relationship with me. It’s clear not by what you say, because I hear you say how much you love me, but what you do and all the things you’ve done over the 34 years that we’ve been together until I finally caught you again. You were always free to choose differently, but you didn’t want to. Every hand job, every blow job, every pussy you ate, every prostitute you fucked—every betrayal was a choice you made. You chose yourself over us, and you’ve done it consistently for more than three decades.</p>
<p>I appreciate that you have given me the truth, because now I’m free to choose based on who you really are, what you really want and what I want. And I want something different from who you have shown yourself to be. </p>
<p>You have abused my trust, you have gaslit me, manipulated me, lied to me and betrayed me. Then you promised you would never do that again if only we could work to recover. And I did that. My reality was blown apart and my heart was shattered, but I gave my all. I wasn’t perfect, but I was 100% in, which made it easy for you to lie to me again, because I believed all the promises you made. And all the lies you told - I believed them too, because I believed in you. Despite the agony of betrayal, I tried to give you a tabula rasa—a clear space for you to be a new person without carrying the burden of the things you’d done in the past—because I believed you had the willingness and capacity to change, I believed you had integrity, I believed I was important to you. I believed those things because you led me to believe them by lying to me. You took advantage of my willingness to try to repair our relationship to do what you wanted to do and have what you thought you were entitled to. In 2007, I begged you—and over the years after that I begged you every time I caught you lying to me about drinking—not to lie to me again because of how deeply painful the lying was. And you promised you would never do that again, never hurt me that deeply again. That was another lie so you could continue to do what you wanted to do and get what you were entitled to without the consequences you didn’t want. You started lying to me again just weeks after I discovered your betrayal the first time, returning to secretly masturbating to porn without the intention of ever giving it up—I’m sure you felt entitled to it—and you never stopped.</p>
<p>This second time around, when you started getting massages and handjobs again, with all the benefit of Landmark and therapy and Buddhism and 12-step, you knew better. You knew what sex addiction was and where the secrets and lies would take you. You had all the information and access to all the tools and support, but you stuck with your own rationalizations and justifications. Which let you keep doing what you wanted to do to get what you felt entitled to without any consequences. And, once again, you took away my ability to choose for myself whether or not I wanted to be married to someone who was doing the things you were doing.</p>
<p>You are not willing to commit to the things I asked of you so that I could possibly feel safe. You’ve told me you’re not willing to put in weekly or daily practices to check in with a therapist and others on your sexual abstinence, triggers and behaviors, and to be honest in that process, hiding nothing, for the rest of your life. You’ve told me you’re not willing to go to counseling consistently at least every two weeks and to explore trauma-specific modalities in order to understand and resolve the childhood traumas and beliefs that led to these acting out behaviors. You are only willing to pursue insights into these things. But you’ve already had so many insights—from Landmark to therapy to Buddhism to 12-step—and yet here we are, with you secretly squirreling away cash in dribs and drabs, like a child saving his allowance, so you can have threesomes with prostitutes. If you want something different, you have to do something different. But you would rather do what you want and get what you feel entitled to.</p>
<p>Despite the astonishing lack of integrity, care and empathy you’ve demonstrated since the very beginning of our relationship (not always, but when it suited you), you’re not willing to do what I need to feel safe. You continue to want to do what you want to do, but you want me to consider staying in our marriage. I don’t want to be married to you if you have to masturbate to other women, even when you know where it has always led. I don’t want to be married to someone whose feeling of entitlement to sexual stimulation is more important to him than my need to feel safe, loved, secure and cherished. </p>
<p>I have not been a perfect, blameless partner. But I have always given you everything I had to give. I have never lied to you. I have loved you so much, admired you so much, supported you, believed in you, wanted nobody and nothing more than you. And it was never enough. I was never enough. I know that, not by what you say, because you always know what to say, but by what you’ve done. You have hurt me so deeply that I cannot find the words to express the depths of sadness and grief I feel. The emotional abuse you’ve committed is as real and painful and damaging as any physical abuse. A wound to the heart is as real as a black eye. And that’s what you’ve done with every lie. My heart and my spirit are battered and exhausted. </p>
<p>There’s a saying: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. I have lost count of how many times I’ve been fooled. Shame on me. But I think I’ve finally accepted, as much as I resisted it, that I can’t believe what you say. Lying to me is your way of being in the world. You do it so easily, you’re so good at it and so willing to do it to have what you feel entitled to. I don’t believe you will never lie to me again. I don’t trust you. Without trust, a marriage is nothing.</p>
<p>I have been resisting this. I have been living in wishes and fantasy and hopes. I want to wake up and realize this has all been a terrible dream. I want that so badly, sometimes I think it might really happen. I want to wave a magic wand and do it all over so I could do everything right and you could be satisfied with loving me. Being apart from you feels so wrong. I miss feeling your love—because I know that was there, too. But I will never be enough for you. Which means I cannot trust you to love and care for me above the things you feel you need for yourself. And I would never be able to believe you anyway. I believed so much last time and you used my trust and love like a weapon against me—allowing me to believe while you continued to lie and betray my heart. I don’t know if you can imagine what that has done to me. Picture a dog that’s been beaten, crawled under a house to survive, and then gotten lured out with the promise of love and safety only to be beaten to a bloody pulp again. That is how hopeless and heartbroken I feel. </p>
<p>This is not an ultimatum. I already know what you would choose because you’ve already made that choice over and over again with every betrayal, only pretending, when you get caught, to commit to me. I’m not asking you to change. But I need to find someone who can choose me, choose our relationship, instead of himself, without resentment, and without feeling that he is giving up something he’s entitled to.</p>
<p>I wish our story could have a different ending. I always wanted to grow old with you. In my imagination, we are two little old people walking slowly down the beach holding hands sharing a quiet love as deep as the ocean and vast as the sky.</i></p>
<p>I have to read this regularly, so I don't forget.</p>
woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-35810749232273451362022-10-18T18:37:00.001-07:002022-10-18T18:37:07.516-07:00The sad truthI haven't posted for months because I have been too confused to have anything to say.
I'm sure many peope would judge or pity me for not knowing exactly what to do: GET OUT.
It's much simpler when it's just conceptual.
I have to throw so much away. I've been with the Addict since 1988. 34 years. Most of my adult life. I've had a child, bought a house, gone through parenting, a lifetime of wonderful experiences and memories, discovery in 2007 and repair process, the most formative things and the most wonderful things. I thought I had a one-in-a-million love. It's a lot to let go of.
I'm not going to answer to anyone for my process. It's mine. As yours is yours.
What I want to talk about is what I'm feeling now, 9 months after I discovered, again, that the Addict was betraying me with prostitutes.
Right now, I'm feeling depressed. I feel like I'm being taught, AGAIN, that I am the only thing in this world I can count on.
Really not true, as I have great friends that love me and support me. But I have no safe harbor where I can relax and not be the person providing all the structure and holding everything together. It's not even just the Addict. It's my dad, my mom, the discovery in 2007, the discovery in January 2022. Over and over, I keep having to learn that nobody is really there for me. I'm alone, and I'm the only thing I can count on. It is lonely and heartbreaking. I thought the Addict and I had repaired and that I had that safe harbor with him. But, not the case.
Another thing I'm feeling: I'm not enough. There are logical reasons for why the Addict did what he did that have nothing to do with me and only to do with his fucked-up-ness. But experientially, I am left with the experience that whatever I could bring to our relationship was insufficient, deficient, not enough to fill the emptiness inside the Addict. It's not my job to fill his void, but I didn't know until recently that this void was there. I was just mystified by how different his experience of our relationship was from mine. But that void, the one I didn't know about, explains it. I was never going to be enough because no person can fill that spiritual void. That's his journey. Intellectually, I understand. Experientially, I'm left with the feeling that everything I brought, everything I gave, who I am--it was not enough.
So a lot of pain and grief in this moment.
Do I regret my decision in 2007 to see if our relationship was repairable? No. I was able to give my son a happy childhood. Son and I were blissfully unaware of the Addict's continued secret life. We were happy.
But now, it's a lot of heartbreak.
What I would say now: Do not hope for a good outcome in a relationship with a sex addict who has lied to you. My experience is that a person like this is too broken and fixing will take a lifetime of willingness and work, and at best they will be holding the beast at bay.
I don't know yet what I'm going to do, but I'm leaning toward letting my relationship of 34 years--my life--go. I can't trust him to be a safe harbor for me. I can't be 100% real with him because he's not 100% real with me. Even after 34 years. There is so much going on in his head that I'm not part of. It's exhausting to think about contending with that for the rest of my life. It fucking breaks my heart to let go, but I don't see anything else that makes sense.
I'll be fine. I'm strong. I'm independent. I was just hoping that there was more to life than being strong and independent and, in the most intimate ways, alone.woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-63425743490657542772022-05-12T17:11:00.005-07:002022-05-12T17:22:57.590-07:00Permission to make mistakesToday I did EMDR and out of it I got that I can create space for myself to be less-than-perfectly-good, and I can forgive myself for that which feels unforgivable.
I feel as though I'm really coming to a place where I will be okay alone.
I don't want to be alone, but knowing that I can and will be okay alone will give me the opportunity to choose from a healthy place.
And maybe when I do this I can let myself be loved even when I fail so that I don't have to be in denial in my relationship when I've hurt my partner or have inadvertently not been a good partner.I can accept that I could fail at those things and still be loved and I don't have to be afraid of admitting and taking responsibility for those things when I do them.
I can ask for forgiveness instead of staying in being unforgivable,
Fail and improve. And still be loved.
And I can know that even if someone doesn't love me it doesn't mean I'm unloveable. And more love can come along.
woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-78009074064944143232022-04-20T18:32:00.004-07:002022-04-20T18:32:59.047-07:00Doing my own workThe Addict has requested that I "open a vein" and do my own personal work. So I'm trying to do that. It certainly can't hurt, and who doesn't have things to work on?
Today in therapy we talked about my defensiveness. I am defensive. In my mind, I'm not defensive, I'm correcting a misperception or an error or a lack of nuance. But I'm defending myself, which means...I'm defensive. And when I'm defending myself, I'm not listening to my partner. And that's the key. Taking good care of your person, instead of getting to who is right or wrong in a heated moment. Not at the expense of self, but as a taking care of someone in a moment when they need to be heard.
I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid that I will be misunderstood and, as a result, not loved. I want to hear that I do nothing wrong or hurtful and that I'm loved. But, in fact I do make mistakes or have bad judgement or am selfish or say hurtful things. <b>And what I have to get to is that I can be loved in spite of all that. </b> I can be human, imperfect, and still be worthy of love and devotion. I'm always afraid something better will come along and that I'll no longer be deemed worthy of the love I was getting or the attraction someone was feeling for me or the place I held in someone's heart. (Try having that fear and then having your husband have sex with a bunch of prostitutes who are 20 - 30 years younger than you! It's extremely painful.)
I'm defensive because I'm afraid. And it would be great if my partner could take that into consideration. But if he can't, it will be upon me to recognize that in myself in the heat of the moment and to take a deep breath and reflect, take responsibility and repair--if I want to take care of my person and create a secure functioning relationship. AND my partner will need to do that with me when he is afraid if we're to have a secure functioning relationship. But when one of the other of us can't in a momeent, for whatever reason, the other needs to take on the extra responsibility - the responsibility of taking care of the other in a difficult moment and LISTENING. And it's actually a stronger position because whether or not I stop defending myself and choose to reflect, repair and take responsibilty is within my control; whereas getting my partner to remember that I'm afraid of criticism because I think flaws and anger make me unworthy of love is NOT in my control.woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-49715261098999484212022-04-16T00:28:00.000-07:002022-04-16T00:28:18.210-07:00This communication shit is hard<p>I had dinner with the Addict tonight. Our couples therapist recommended that we try to make time to spend with each other so that we can practice the things we're learning in therapy. We are not great at communicating with each other, apparently. We learned something we call ABC: Assume no harm and Be Curious. In other words, when he says something to me that hurts or upsets me, I need to first assume no harm, and then be curious, i.e, ask questions. For example, "It sounds like you're saying X. Is that what you meant to communicate? Tell me more"</p><p>My individual therapist has also taught me the 3 Rs: Reflect back what you have heard and keep asking for more until the person has said everything they need to say; take Responsibility for your part and validate the person's experience (not necessarily validating what they say, but rather validating what they experienced whether or not it feels true or right to me); Repair with the appropriate apology for my part in something.</p><p>I tried that tonight. At my request, we shared our lists of resentments a couple weeks ago. The Addict really didn't want to do this exercise, and really struggled with it. He broke down crying in our session because he was so scared of sharing - I think he thought I would get angry and tell him to fuck off for good. But we got through it, and I wasn't angry at his list, as he feared. I did feel defensive about some things that felt inaccurate, but I kept myself from defending myself because the point was for each of us to be able to express our resentments, not to discuss or correct. At the end of the session, we agreed that we'd turn our lists into requests, because I really wanted to have a copy of his list so I could start to tease out my part and the things I need to work on. </p><p>This is what he gave to me:</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;">I love you. </p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;">Nothing I say here is intended to excuse or explain my behavior. Nothing I say here is intended to absolve me of the work I have to do.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I request that when you ask for difficult exchanges you are prepared to have them in a balanced adult way.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I request that when we talk about difficult issues or when I bring up a problem you try to listen for your part in the issue and don’t try to move the subject around to avoid anything that you don’t want to look at or anything that seems unflattering.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I request that you step back and do your own personal work. Really look into why you don’t seem to want to believe you ever get angry for example.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I request that you don’t think of me as the bucket into which everything bad about our relationship gets thrown. Consider that where there are communication issues, you might have some responsibility and if it doesn’t occur to you immediately, get some help and dig deeper. Consider that the reason it is a mystery to you is that you are hiding something from yourself that you don’t want to face.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I request that when you either think I am completely wrong or you are completely wrong you take a breath and set aside both of those options and, with help, look deeper to distinguish your part.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I don’t think you’re a bad person but I don’t think you’re perfect. I think you are, like me, a work in progress and I think, like me, you need to be willing to do the work to make progress. I believe you are willing to do that work. I believe I am willing to do that work as well.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I want to love you and support you as you do that work.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I want you to love me and support me as I do that work.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span>I want us to love and support each other as we work together.</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;">------------------------------<wbr></wbr>----------</p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><br /></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I resent that it seems to me that there are exchanges which you’re asking for but you don't seem have the capacity to have them in a balanced adult way.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">To me if feels like theres a giant shell game going on. It feels wily, unsolid and I feel like it's an inadvertent effort to avoid taking any part in the dynamic if it reflects on you unflatteringly.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I am bitter that you don't step back and do your own personal work. You don't open a vein to do any inquiry about yourself.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I resent being the bucket into which every problem is thrown.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">In my experience you have blinders on and you won't consider that you have any lack or unflattering participation.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">There are more double binds than I can count and as I say this I'm aware that I am stepping into another one which I’m afraid will result in complete deflection or an utter collapse into which you catastrophize.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I'm trying to find my own voice here and I want to give it to you but I distrust your ability to hear it.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I'm willing to own my participation in these problems but I reject that I am only person responsible. You seem to be unable to consider your responsibility in a sustained way.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I love you but when it comes to who you believe you are and how you show up, my perception is fundamentally different from yours. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a work in progress. But I'm afraid you're not truly willing to to do the work that will lead to progress.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I am afraid that after I say these things you will want to give up but this is a sincere effort to get in the game with you.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">We both collude to keep you a saint and I accumulate all the bad. I don't think we should play that game anymore.</span></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"></p><p style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0in 0in 0in 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; font-size: 10pt;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 10pt;">I want to hold you and support you and love you as we're both deconstructing.</span></p><p>What I get out of this, at a high level: I deflect, catastrophize and dismiss him.</p><p>I wanted to talk through his list of resentments (from the past) to get a better handle on what I need to work on. Our experiences are so different. It's stunning at times. So, tonight I asked if we could do that, and he said yes. But it quickly became difficult. He said he didn't feel prepared to answer my questions, didn't feel qualified to answer. He said that he didn't want to dredge up the past to provide examples of the things he resents me for. It's hard to talk with him because he gets annoyed or upset quickly. I said I understood that he wanted to wait and maybe do this another time and that this was okay with me. And I tried to explain that this was my way of doing what he asked for - figuring out how to do my own work and what to look at. It continued to be difficult, with him seeming defensive. I kept trying to listen and validate and apologize for my part of things as he talked. But it felt like I kept saying things in the wrong way. And ultimately it did feel bad to hear him talking about what I need to work on and for me to take responsibility. He said that for 34 years, 100% of the time, when he had a problem he was never heard. It was hard to not defend myself. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also far from 100% insensitive to his problems. We did not talk at all about his accountability. And it wasn't supposed to be about that. And he prefaced our discussion with a reiteration that his list of resentments wasn't supposed to be an excuse or an explanation for his behavior. But it was hard for me to hold space for him and listen and take responsibility when I wasn't getting that back. </p><p>He said he loves me "like crazy." But I don't feel loved. It's hard to feel loved after betrayal. I feel abandoned, unseen, overlooked, despised, resented, forgotten. </p><p>He says he's changing, but he doesn't seem different enough yet. He expressed again a wish for my patience. I feel like I owe it to the 34 years we've been together to give him a year to work. I guess maybe it would be better to talk with him about what he is doing and how he thinks he's changing. </p><p>He said that he thought that, no matter what, each of us would come out of this better and stronger. I wanted to say that I got stronger after the first betrayal discovery, going through annihilation, grief, shattered heart and life. I am strong. Maybe I'll get better. He sees a lot of room for improvement in me. I have to have some patience so we can get to the part where I see what's better in him. He said that he has a huge ego that's as fragile as a bubble--and he's right.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-85268052722556709712022-03-30T16:38:00.001-07:002022-03-30T16:41:18.780-07:00I am going to live my best life<p>That's my assignment. To live my best life now, even in the midst of separation and betrayal. I'm going to use this period while the Addict is working on himself to build a rich, interesting, connected and satisfying life for myself. Here are the things I'm going to pursue:</p><p></p><ul style="text-align: left;"><li>Connect with more friends more often</li><li>Travel</li><li>Get better at photography</li><li>Theater and improv</li><li>Learn Spanish</li><li>Learn piano (Richard)</li><li>Do more singing</li><li>Biking, jogging, swimming and triathlons</li><li>Home and yard improvement</li></ul>That is my mission. Now I have to get others in on this!<p></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-83462052633477324462022-03-26T07:53:00.002-07:002022-03-26T07:57:21.139-07:00Feelings<p>In couples therapy, the Addict told me that the safest place for him to be in our marriage was low status. I was so shocked by this, because this is not what I ever wanted. I've always felt that he gave me too much power and that this was a big part of why we had trouble communicating.</p><p>I feel sad and scared and hopeless. Sad in my heart and eyes, scared in my chest, hopeless in my chest. I'm afraid that I'm so resented and so defined as so many awful things that I will never be seen as what I want to be - pure love and support. That's what I wish I could have been. I don't know what is wrong with me that I can't see. Am I just obliviously selfish and self-righteous? I don't know. I don't think so, but this is what I'm being told. And the resentment I feel coming toward me hurts and scares me. I'm afraid I'm not loved, or not loved completely, not loved in a way where I'll be safe. </p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-88171936591537854092022-03-04T16:39:00.000-08:002022-03-04T16:39:02.234-08:00Missing<p>Even though the Addict has betrayed me more deeply than anybody else in my life--twice--without his presence I feel like a plant that's not getting enough sun. </p><p>Even though I don't know how to decide if I can be in a relationship with someone who has lied so profoundly, for so many years about something so fundamental to our relationship, I miss him.</p><p>Life is so short. Am I wasting the limited number of days I have on this planet separating myself from someone I love who loves me? </p><p>Or am I an abused woman who can't see a way to leave her abuser?</p><p>I really don't know.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-40679797087414867362022-03-02T10:43:00.000-08:002022-03-02T10:43:05.265-08:00The ups and downs of limbo<p>The Addict and I have continued with couples therapy, and I'm feeling more connected or less guarded. Not sure if that's a good thing, given that he's so early in recovery. But we do want to have some kind of relationship since we share a son.</p><p>I've been feeling more "normal" a lot of days. But a few nights ago I had too much to drink and called the Addict to share some of the work I'd been doing from a book called "Hold Me Tight." I ended up getting back to a place of feeling all the abandonment and disregard and lack of care, and weeping deeply as we talked. Those feelings are still there and sometimes drinking is a way to release them, I think. Not my recommended practice, but reminds me that even though I feel "normal" a lot of days, there is a lot to be dealt with still.</p><p>Woke up today feeling heavy and sad, which I haven't done for a couple weeks now. I don't know whether I'm sad because I miss him, or because I'm getting used to my life without him. I'm afraid to let go.</p><p>My friend shared this quote with me:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhHv3jffgGzWJs9-KO_Ms8iLwaw77VqcqClt0ZrIHu6tM7GCfup1leIK2gBUp-q7BxsYsiV8fqYsmaiswkXf6ruU0TySY_LuVOq6QOH_ZnfEJ3vqT_P8W1U5resP8zg6VeqnmYVcFinvy56N8F7qN5dWeQdRqq7YJw7k3EH2T5Bwdb7hC9yrjavHA=s1125" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1098" data-original-width="1125" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhHv3jffgGzWJs9-KO_Ms8iLwaw77VqcqClt0ZrIHu6tM7GCfup1leIK2gBUp-q7BxsYsiV8fqYsmaiswkXf6ruU0TySY_LuVOq6QOH_ZnfEJ3vqT_P8W1U5resP8zg6VeqnmYVcFinvy56N8F7qN5dWeQdRqq7YJw7k3EH2T5Bwdb7hC9yrjavHA=s320" width="320" /></a></div><br /><p>I don't know if this is the path I want to take, but it's better than all or nothing, which is where my cognitive distortions take me.</p><p><br /></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-14952425433486555802022-02-15T17:07:00.001-08:002022-02-15T17:07:22.218-08:00Things I want to remember<p><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: times;">Time has always healed even your deepest pain. Breathe deeply, lean into what is hard, look for the growth opportunity, ask for what you need and take care of yourself every day. </span></span></p><div style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: times;">Accept the things you cannot change and have the courage and get the support you need to keep strong boundaries and change the things you can. </span></div><div style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-family: times;">This too, shall pass.</span></div>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-32501514301678889642022-02-15T07:00:00.000-08:002022-02-15T07:00:09.197-08:00Still hurting<p>Woke up crying this morning. I miss the Addict so much. I wish I could lie in bed with him and he could hold me in his arms and comfort me in my sadness. I'm so lonely for his love. I just want to feel his arms around me again. And I want to go back to when maybe we had what I thought we had and start there and never get to the terrible day when he chose to betray me again.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-26083702211218925182022-02-14T22:49:00.003-08:002022-02-15T07:02:21.266-08:00Nobody's valenetine<p>I was dreading today - the first Valentine's Day in 34 years when I would be nobody's valentine. I was dreading that this silly, greeting-card holiday would pass without the Addict thinking about us and what we had been to each other. </p><p>I told my therapy group about this anxiety. My therapist asked if I could ask the Addict for what I needed. But that seemed too scary - like I was maybe suggesting or implying that I wanted something I'm not sure I want. So, I was going to be content with spending the evening in having dinner with Mom and a close girlfriend.</p><p>But, at 9:18am, the Addict texted. </p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">Setting aside, for just a moment, all of our difficulties. I want to tell you that I think you are a wonderful person. You are kind and hilarious and beautiful and talented and smart and loving. You’re a wonderful mother and a fantastic friend. You have a smile that lights up the world and an amazing voice. I love you and I hope you have a wonderful day.</span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;">I was so thankful and relieved to know that I was still in his heart. Because he is still in mine. Even with the things he's done, he's still in my heart. Even though I don't see a clear path to repair our relationship, he's still in my heart. Because I believe him when he says things like he did in that text. There was love. There is love. That's what is so confusing. That's what keeps me from turning my back on him despite the fact that he had such flagrant disregard for my core boundaries. </span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;">I'm like an abused woman who can't quit her man. Or maybe I AM an abused woman who can't quit her man.</span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;">This shit fucks with me.</span></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-9778982036035879142022-02-12T11:03:00.000-08:002022-02-12T11:03:26.924-08:00Mornings are hard because I wake up and remember again that my life has changed<p><span style="font-family: times;"><i>This morning I am really struggling with some thing. I’m really struggling with how you did this twice. How we went through all we went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. I want to work on this in therapy because I need an answer as to why you made the choices you made. I don’t believe it is an unanswerable question. Because it really feels terrible that we went through everything we went through, and you saw me go through everything I went through, and yet you made the choice to do what you did. You didn’t just wake up having sex with somebody. You made decisions and choices along the way to take actions, to lie to me, to hide things. Those were all conscious choices and I want to know what you were thinking that led you to make these choices - what you were telling yourself in your head.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>You might not know now, but I believe it is something that you can figure out. Without an answer there is no way for me to feel safe or happy with you.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>The disregard for me is, I think, at the heart of why this feels particularly terrible. How could you have such disregard for me as you made these decisions?<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>It’s not like you did not know how I would feel about you doing these things. You knew and you did them anyway. That makes me feel insignificant. </i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>Maybe it was easier to do the second time because you had already done it to me the first time and I had forgiven you. It is said that you teach people the way to treat you. Maybe I taught you that you could do this to me.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>After all of these years I want to be seen. I want to feel like I matter. It is hard to feel like we’ve spent so many years together and yet when it comes down to it I don’t matter.</i></span></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-55894491441674253132022-02-11T23:56:00.005-08:002022-02-12T11:04:24.771-08:00Limbo<p>It looks like disclosure might not happen for 2 - 3 months now. The Addict's therapist thinks it will take that long to get it right. So we stay in this weird limbo. What are we doing? Are we rebuilding? Are we working toward divorce? I don't think either of us knows. </p><p>I've realized that I can't go through this round of couples therapy without working through the fact that the Addict's experience of me and our relationship happened through a filter that was him being a liar and a betrayer and having all the self-loathing, guilt and other feelings associated with that. So he saw me through that fog. I think he projects a lot of things on to me. For example, during Round 1, he described me as "pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted." But that was HIM during that time in our lives. I had the usual grouses and frustrations, I think, but I felt generally happy and contented. But he saw me as pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted. I asked him if he felt the same way this time, and he said yes. This complaint or description of me has persisted for 15 years, through 3 1/2 years of therapy and 12-step and Landmark and Buddhism. I have grown and changed, but his experience of me has stayed the same. Maybe it's me, but I don't think so. At least, not entirely. He was a lying, betraying alcoholic for the past 9 years, so I don't know if he's the best judge of me.</p><p>He has other persistent complaints: "When I'm mad, it's my problem. When you're mad, something is wrong with the world and it's usually me." "You can't handle the truth." "I can't express my anger." "I'm afraid of your anger." </p><p>He's also terrified of his mother's anger. And he always felt that his father was critical no matter how well he did. I think some of the complaints about me are unresolved childhood issues. Maybe some of it is there in me, but I think some of it he sees because that's what he's looking for in people. </p><p>I don't know how nothing has changed. I know I certainly have. I'm not perfect, but I am aware of my absolutist approach to the world and work to catch myself and apologize. I work hard to be responsive - I come to dinner when he says it's ready; I don't work weekends and evenings; I work to be a better listener, and to recognize when I'm being controlling or too black-and-white in my thinking. I am AWARE of my shortcomings and work to address them. So I can't imagine that nothing has changed. So some of it must be in his perception - his "listening" of me. And that was shaped when he was a lying, betraying active alcoholic. So how could he believe I loved him? How could he believe I wasn't critical? How could he believe that I was making space for him? AND - if things were so awful, why didn't he SAY SOMETHING? He says that he tried, which I don't doubt, but was unsuccessful and gave up. But that's lame. That's just absolving himself of responsibility and retreating into old patterns and making me the difficult one. He should have had a boundary and held to it and pressured me to confront what was not working in our relationship instead of giving up and thinking to himself, "She can't handle it so I will." And I think I'm not the one who couldn't handle it. I don't know who is - but it's someone from his childhood. Not me. He may not like how I respond, but I can handle shit. I dealt with the annihilation of my life 15 years ago and worked through that. I can handle shit.</p><p>When he is lying and betraying and keeping big secrets, there is no real intimacy. There is no real connectedness. Of course he feels disconnected from me. Of course he feels criticized and less than. Of course I make him feel awful. Of course he feels pissed off, frustrated, unhappy and distracted.</p><p>We have a lot to work out and work through if there's any hope for repair. And a lot of it is him facing who he has been and the impact of that. He needs to think about and acknowledge what his lying, betraying and holding secrets did to his love for me. That has to happen FIRST, before we can think about rebuilding. </p><p>I'm reading "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and hoping it will bring me some clarity about what I want.</p><p>My new blanket came today. It's been chilly and, even with a wool blanket, sleeping alone has been cold. The Addict was a warm person, so I was never cold in beed when he was here. I'll be warmer. But I'll still be alone.</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-9171222262560107632022-02-08T11:57:00.017-08:002022-02-11T23:30:54.669-08:00My feelings are all over the place<p><span style="font-family: times;"><i>I wish we didn’t have this huge mess in our lives so that we could be together and care for each other. That was what I wanted. To be with you and care for you and share life with you.</i><span class="Apple-converted-space" style="font-style: italic;"> </span><i>Every day I feel an emptiness where you would have been. I am missing all the moments we should be sharing.</i></span></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>Me too.</i></span></p></blockquote><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>The difference is that you caused it and I am the person it happened to. We are both sad, but you were the one with the choices. You took away my ability to choose the moment you started lying. </i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0 0 0 40px; padding: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>Yes.</i></span></p></blockquote><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>You gave away your life. I had mine taken. Twice.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p><p class="p1" style="font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 12px; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><br /></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-12011495922319545922022-02-08T09:34:00.004-08:002022-02-11T23:27:13.729-08:00Triggered by TV<p>Watched the tv show <i>Pam & Tommy </i>last night, not realizing the potential for triggering unwelcome thoughts. Fifteen years ago I struggled with my self-esteem as I had to contend with the Addict fucking women 20 years younger than me and read his descriptions of their beauty and their bodies on the prostitute review site he frequented. I was not them. I was not perfect and beautiful, and that has always been a fear of mine - not being physically adequate.</p><p>Now, fifteen years later, the women he's fucked are 30+ years younger than me. I was joking with a friend that my dating profile would be "large but sagging breasts, melted-candle-wax figure, smart, funny, fun and creative, fuck you if you don't have the courage."</p><p>I could not help myself, and texted the Addict this morning.</p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i>It hurts me so much to know that you have of marveled at the physical perfection of other women you're about to fuck. It's one think to look at a picture or even a video, but to be touching her breasts and her flat stomach, putting your lips on hers, to be gazing at her beautiful face and looking into her eyes as you enter her with your penis - that is what makes me sick to my stomach with dread and feelings of being unable to be enough. I can never be that perfect fuck that you've not only fantasized about, but have had SO MANY TIMES. And in these moments, you would have left me so completely. I never left you for other people like that in 34 years. And clearly it was important to you to have this because you risked everything to get it. You have the capacity to leave me behind. To be so intimate and enthralled with another. I gave that only to you. And it meant something to me.</i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span style="font-family: times;"><i><br /></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"></span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">And after having all of that, how can you ever go back? So far it hasn’t been possible. You’ve never been able to go back to just one imperfect woman who loves you. That was not enough. Do you really believe you are capable of that? I am serious. If you know that the answer to that question is no, or if you doubt that the answer to that question is yes, I want to know. It would save us all a lot of agony.</span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">My experience is absolutely nothing like what you attributing to me because of this movie.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span>I am absolutely positive I can live without ever having sex with anyone else. </span></i></p></blockquote><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">How are you absolutely positive when you have never done that before? What is different since the first time we went through all this? Weren’t you absolutely positive before, last time?</span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">The main thing that’s different is that I’m doing this for me, not for anyone or anything else.<span class="Apple-converted-space"> </span></span></i></p></blockquote><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></span></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><span class="Apple-converted-space"></span></span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">What were you doing it for last time?</span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></p><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px; text-align: left;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">You.</span></i></p></blockquote><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;"><br /></span></i></p><p class="p1" style="font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal; margin: 0px;"><i><span style="font-family: times;">Consider that you were doing it for you last time so that you could keep what you wanted. And also remember that when you told me you had gone to the parking lot of the massage parlor with money in your pocket but that you didn’t go through with it, I said, "That doesn’t make any sense at all. What was it that kept you from going through with it." And you said, “You called.” As if somehow I was important. So I don’t really buy that I was the reason that you did it last time. For at least the last 9 years, what you wanted was always more important than me. At least judging by your actions.</span></i></p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0