tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-83454629811158094992012-01-06T10:43:04.987-08:00This is an open journal of my experience coping with infidelity and sex addiction. Or...What To Expect When You Weren't Expecting. <p>“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” - Lewis B. Smedes</p>woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.comBlogger3441100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-5318290551418770312011-12-28T13:26:00.000-08:002011-12-28T13:39:27.982-08:00

I heard a great quote in my meeting last night: "I feel like a ping pong ball, and I don't know what the paddle is. But something keeps hitting me!" I remember that feeling. I remember hearing about boundaries, relationship-with-self, self-validation and similar things in the early weeks and months after I found out about Husband's sex addiction. But I had little idea what those things looked

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-6804720424157265812011-12-22T16:38:00.000-08:002011-12-22T16:38:05.427-08:00

It was a topic meeting this week at SAnon, and the topic was how do you re-establish trust? SAnon is about sharing one's own experience, not about giving advice, so people spoke only about their own situations. As we went around the room, it became clear that the people in my meeting are in various stages of learning to trust themselves and speak their truths. I think that is the answer, or at

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-30172258649004067852011-12-18T02:25:00.000-08:002011-12-18T02:59:32.768-08:00

I decided not to give weight to much of my conversation with Husband Thursday night. I'm not at my best when I'm drunk, so I chose to give him the benefit of the doubt. Friday morning he apologized for walking out on our conversation, and for the things he said. As I suspected, throwing in the towel was just a drunken gesture. So we have work to do. We both lost our wedding rings this year. He

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-17650484089989672242011-12-16T04:43:00.000-08:002011-12-16T05:06:32.718-08:00

Can't sleep. Husband came home drunk tonight from his company Christmas party (I went to a friend's birthday party, because the Christmas party was sounding like it might be dull and it's at least an hour drive to the company headquarters.) I hadn't heard from him all day and all evening, which was a little unusual. And I couldn't reach him. But he called when I was on my way home to say he was

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-83484075255228597672011-12-02T15:39:00.001-08:002011-12-02T17:19:17.490-08:00

Maybe I'm no longer capable of being vulnerable enough to have a deep, emotional bond with Husband. I've often said that deep trust is critical to deep love. But as I've been thinking about it, I realized that it's very common to deeply love people we know we can't trust. You can love deeply without attachment, without expectation, without an agenda, with an appreciation for all that someone is

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-80899809363110677272011-10-26T23:18:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.367-07:00

A little light bulb went on for me tonight in my 12-step meeting. Not something completely new, but something that finally clicked.When I was younger, my mother often counseled me to "let it go." She was typically referring to feelings of anger or upset. "You don't gain anything by being angry. Just let it go."It seemed reasonable, seemed to make sense, seemed to be something a nice,

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-25985551914010341572011-10-24T21:59:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.120-07:00

As I listened to my unhappily married friend talk about flirting with other men, I found myself wondering why she stays on the fence, frozen, with one foot out the door. "Why don't you just choose and then dive in? Be MARRIED, or be SINGLE, but don't waste your life in an impotent version of both by not making a choice. This is your life! Time is moving even if you're not!"This is an example of

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-25602691863915339832011-10-22T21:50:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.109-07:00

When I first discovered Husband’s secret life, I immediately turned to my go-to tool set: Think about where I want to end up, and do what I need to cause that outcome. Be reasonable. Be nice. Be understanding.These things often serve me well, but they fell short of helping me say thing things that I really needed to say in those early days and weeks and months.What I didn’t have when I discovered

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-24251872321324612302011-10-11T21:44:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.099-07:00

Tonight at my meeting I heard tools that I can use:1) Return to morning practice of connecting with my higher power (so other things, for example my anger and resentment, don't become my higher power.)2) Return to step work and reading fellowship literature3) Look farther back in my life to see if I can identify where this quality of being unforgiving, and these feelings of and this clinging to

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-85546560771005965152011-10-10T10:32:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.401-07:00

When I was in my 20s, I was nanny to a little boy from when he was born until he was 3 1/2. After I moved away, we continued to visit for years.Once his parents brought him down to a sea-coast hotel in California near where I was living. I came to the hotel one night to stay with him while his parents went out to dinner. He was still little - maybe only 4 or 4 1/2.The hotel faced the ocean, and

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-14471797710743031612011-08-04T22:51:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.067-07:00

I've had a feeling lately. A feeling of choosing.I find that I'm effortlessly choosing to not regret the past.Not that being betrayed is a past I'd choose if I had a choice. But I don't.And it's not a Big Deal, this choosing. No "doing the right thing," no looking for the silver lining or deep breathing needed.I simply wake up having chosen.Liberty Bradford wrote recently that "There is a turning

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-37562338372607430242011-07-27T19:25:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.178-07:00

On Wednesday nights, Son and I usually go to a hobby group together. Sometimes Husband joins, and sometimes Son and Husband go without me.Husband is working late tonight, as he has been of late with his still-new job. So Son and I have gotten into a routine of meeting my mom for dinner before our hobby group.I'd stayed up too late last night (watching Battlestar Galactica in bed on my iPad!,)

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-43556925716299241852011-07-13T09:35:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.202-07:00

Husband is a writer. The other night he asked me to read something he'd written.As I read along, I realized one of the characters was a prostitute. A prickle went through my body and the hairs on my arms and neck rose. Not because he was writing a character that was a prostitute. It was her name: Angie."I hope you enjoyed your time with Angie."Those are the words that blew apart my world 4 years

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-73326609157085436842011-07-01T12:48:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.244-07:00

Listening to playwright David Mamet talk about the transformation of his politics on the radio yesterday made me consider the (I think Darwinian) tendency for people to react to the heartbreaks and disillusionments of life by growing more frightened and closed minded. It makes sense that in a survival-of-the-fittest world we're programmed to learn to identify what seems harmful or painful, to

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-31741408024697325322011-06-29T00:41:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.167-07:00

Seeing our oneness is the beginning of our compassion, and it allows us to reach beyond aversion and separation. -Sharon Salzberg, “A Quiver of the Heart”I think the "oneness" Salzberg talks about is integral to my concept of Higher Power.Higher Power as defined on the SAnon website:1. A source of help greater than we are; 2. A source of help we define ourselves (for example, the group, nature,

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-66385364708123517552011-06-24T12:04:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.223-07:00

After Husband recently lied to me about how many drinks he had at a party, I asked him what he was going to do to address this breach of trust.In addition to returning to therapy (still hasn't happened) he said he was going to stop drinking for a year.Well, this morning he woke up and told me that last night at his "dinner with the guys" he had a glass of wine. From the rest of his tale I suspect

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-7463349908801740722011-06-20T16:04:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.257-07:00

This article by Katia Hetter on CNN is a great reminder not to allow myself to be disempowered by any circumstance, along with some good next-steps for partners on the receiving end of betrayal.My personal takeaways:Focus on the present momentCreate something & take charge of my own joyCreate an empowering contextLook for my own truthDon't take the role of victim (i.e. If I'm unhappy about

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-14785617508153267062011-06-01T17:44:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.078-07:00

Tonight marks the 4th anniversary of the discovery that instantly and dramatically shifted my understanding of the world.After 4 years of therapy, reading and recovery groups, I’m a very different person and I have a dramatically different understanding and experience of myself.I’m aware of the need for boundaries. I understand how to validate myself instead of seeking validation from others. I

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-43537723440861527472011-05-17T12:48:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.190-07:00

Question of the day: Do politicians become narcissists or do narcissists become politicians?I'm not a mental health professional or sex addiction specialist, but IMHO the characteristics are there.Arnold Schwarzenegger finally comes clean about decades of rumors.Will the term "sex addict" get introduced into the discussion in a helpful way this time around? Let's hope so.Feeling so over sex

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-76217151557525179482011-05-17T08:36:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.268-07:00

We went to a benefit for Son's school last weekend, and as soon as we got there Husband ordered a double scotch on the rocks.Okay. It's Saturday, it's a party. You're not an alcoholic in recovery. Fine.I think Husband drinks too much, and he knows that. The addict / narcissist in him feels justified on some level, and he is annoyed by my (in his words) judgment of his tendency.A short while later

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-79971693969547251222011-05-10T10:50:00.001-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.355-07:00

"...though we will inevitably experience pain, joy is our true destination..." - Jillian Michaels, UnlimitedWhen I read that my heart skipped a beat.True? I don't know. But as a context for processing pain, betrayal, loss...if I make the assumption that joy is my true destination despite circumstances and evidence to the contrary, then I have a reason to continue facing what's in front of me when

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-67474017668750944262011-02-04T15:28:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:21:13.233-07:00

I think this talk by Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg speaks to some of the issues faced by women in their personal lives, as well as in their professional lives:

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-8401246960370213172011-01-30T11:53:00.001-08:002011-10-30T16:21:13.391-07:00

I just read this quote, and it encapsulates one of the fundamental things I've learned from this journey:"To willingly reside in our distress, no longer resisting what is, is the real key to transformation. As painful as it may be to face our deepest fears, we do reach the point where it's more painful not to face them. This is a pivotal point in the practice life." - Ezra Bayda, “Bursting the

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-29789150639027433422011-01-13T16:05:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:21:13.154-07:00

I haven't written for a while. At first because I felt like a needle skipping across a scratched LP, repeating and repeating a chorus of nagging thoughts and reactions I was tired of having. And then because one day I realized I was unstuck, and there was nothing to be worked out.There was no drama, no euphoria. I just realized that I'd been spending more time in the present with Husband, and

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-81580756190115675832010-12-09T16:55:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:21:13.379-07:00

Some days I’m overwhelmed with self-pity. This is what that looks like (indented so it’s skip-able):I have swum with the swans. I am surrounded by people who are at the tops of all kinds of ladders in life. What is it about me that I can start at the same place as all these people, and end up in Loserville?I’m basically a glorified assistant right now. And it feels like time is running out for me

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-27904937012841129012010-12-07T20:16:00.001-08:002011-10-30T16:21:13.132-07:00

I'm getting ready to go out to see Husband doing a gig with his band.It's already been a stressful night and I'm...tense.Son comes into the bathroom where I'm applying glitter to my eyes."I love you mom."I get a big hug."I love you too!""But I wish you could get into the Christmas spirit."My son is my greatest blessing.

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-53597433892892659262010-11-28T09:45:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:21:13.211-07:00

"The trouble with the world," said the Master with a sigh, "is that human beings refuse to grow up.""When can a person be said to have grown up?" asked a disciple."On the day he does not need to be lied to about anything."Anthony de MelloWhen I read this, I realized that one of the things I have been learning about is my ability to be with difficult truths.I still have moments, stretches of time

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-16384169799677556582010-09-21T11:14:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:21:13.087-07:00

Last night I was looking at some phrases I've kept on a piece of paper beside the bed to remind me about what I've learned from discovering Husband's sex addiction.I can find peace and freedom in surrender and gratitudeI'm powerless. Just admit it and surrender (over and over and over again)One day at a time.My most important relationship is with my higher power, which I am an expression ofMy

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-77679368149989313642010-08-06T16:17:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.471-07:00

When I met Husband in 1988, Mom and I were renting an apartment together. After Husband and I became a couple, he moved in with us and we three have lived together ever since, through 22 years, 2 more apartments and a house.If Husband is my greatest teacher in the spiritual sense, my mother is his. This translates into a very difficult relationship between them. Not very pleasant for me, but,

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-86507888003548823422010-07-15T15:40:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.582-07:00

This has been a big week. I had a planned hysterectomy on Monday to solve a problem of severe bleeding due to fibroids. And Tuesday Husband got some big news that equals a big step forward with his project. So the time for esteemable acts is now, because I can feel the sea of self-doubt churning.At 46 my chances of bearing a healthy child were questionable at best, but now it's a definite no. As

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-15985626591348772102010-07-01T19:33:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.635-07:00

Went to see my therapist today. I've been feeling better, not so heavy and sad, but I know I still have work to do on my self esteem issues so I was looking forward to getting back to it.We talked about my anxiety over the prospect of Husband's success, and my fear that he'll get all caught up in his success and meanwhile I'll disappear. And that when he has success, that will make him attractive

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-45464816435809664842010-06-23T17:35:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.172-07:00

Husband has spent the better part of the past year working on a big project. The project is now done, and he's handed it over to people who can possibly make something bigger out of it and it's getting good response.I should be happy. We've been living on just my income so he could do this project. He's also been the primary caregiver for Son during this time - taking him to school, picking him

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-3254112258347776972010-06-19T10:58:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.957-07:00

The heaviness is lifting. Not gone, but not crushing either.I need to remember when I get down like this...things change.But the past doesn't change. And therein lies my struggle. When it comes down to it, I still grieve what I lost, and I still wish for a different June 1st, 2007.The self-loathing part of myself says I should be past this by now. But the healthy part of myself, which is much

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-29602897019960233902010-06-08T14:59:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.887-07:00

Like MamaMPJ says, its the lies.I've been down lately, and I've realized that part of it is I'm still not over being lied to.Trust is not an easy thing to build or rebuild. I believe it's possible. But rebuilding 19 years of trust is going to take time I suppose.And it's not that I don't trust him now. It's that I'm so angry at him for lying that I don't know if I'll ever get over it.And I know

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-59461741545653719412010-06-06T09:58:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.285-07:00

I usually like movies like this because I have the sense of humor of a 13 year old boy. Slapstick, poop jokes - funny stuff to me. But there is a scene of the guys in a Las Vegas strip club and as soon as that came onto the screen I got nauseous and my heart started racing. I haven't really seen lap dancing before, although I've imagined it since learning that Husband received this service

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-60085301375571990052010-06-04T23:29:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.300-07:00

Well, it's 3 days past the 3rd anniversary of my discovery, and I'm starting in on Step 3.Turn my life and my will over go God.Wow. Not something I ever imagined I'd consider. Ever.I'm afraid that means giving up, giving in, being helpless. I know I've endorsed surrender many times, but to surrender my whole self? That just feels wrong."It's God's will that I have this job when I really want

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-51586131094578259952010-05-26T17:46:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.219-07:00

I made a useful distinction today that I don't want to forget: Taking responsibility for others lives leads to pain and frustration, while taking responsibility for one's self is liberating and empowering.Boy, I wish I'd realized that 40 years ago.

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-12485387286062781472010-05-23T15:46:00.000-07:002011-12-18T03:02:24.929-08:00

Recently I had a conversation with my business partner about how much I’m worth. I was calm on the outside, but shaking on the inside, near tears even. I felt like I was being asked to defend the value of my contribution to our business. I don’t think that was the conversation we were having, but that was the conversation I was hearing. “You’re not valuable, what you bring anybody could bring

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-69908828895930266922010-05-21T15:50:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.379-07:00

I’ve been struggling with this for a long time. And I don’t mean just sex, although that’s part of it.Finding out that Husband, my best and most trusted friend, had been secretly having sex with prostitutes for years, while also being the guy who would say in a very definitive way that he couldn’t understand infidelity, shifted the world as I knew it. Which, at 43, was unexpected to say the

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-12773676702383914172010-05-18T11:46:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.588-07:00

I have a sick feeling that my experience is only part of the tip of a very big iceberg that we face as a very troubled society.Dan Rather's article in the Huffington Post describes the trafficking of child prostitutes on the west coast.It's so sad and disturbing, because I see our society getting worse before it gets better because inappropriate sexuality is so accepted in the mainstream.But all

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-34479659736917062472010-05-12T20:48:00.001-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.987-07:00

I've been working on Step 2, and I realized I didn't really know how I would define god hunger. Is it searching for meaning or purpose in life? Searching for answers? Searching for love and safety?When I think about spirituality, what I get out of that now is strength that comes from faith. Faith that the pain and obstacles that come my way have purpose in my life, that they are opportunities to

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-27960554753651884212010-05-12T20:48:00.000-07:002011-12-18T03:02:59.054-08:00

I've been working on Step 2, and I realized I didn't really know how I would define god hunger. Is it searching for meaning or purpose in life? Searching for answers? Searching for love and safety? When I think about spirituality, what I get out of that now is strength that comes from faith. Faith that the pain and obstacles that come my way have purpose in my life, that they are opportunities

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-39908188135957581862010-05-09T20:32:00.001-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.088-07:00

I subscribe to the Tricycle Daily Dharma, and today it had this to say about what is needed in order to challenge "the whole identity of your life:""...The strength that's needed is the courage of heart to remain undefended and open, a willingness to touch the ten-thousand joys and the ten-thousand sorrows from our compassion, the deepest place of our being. This is a different kind of

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-45135612433117759052010-05-08T20:51:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.162-07:00

Watching an episode of Lost last night. Jun and Sun were in a sinking sub, and she was pinned in, despite his desperate attempts to rescue her. At one point, she grabbed his head and kissed him deeply, like he was the most beloved thing in her life.I remember feeling that way. And the thought that crossed my mind in that moment was, “but that’s not real.”One of the things that has helped me

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-24463719805182215412010-05-05T22:26:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.807-07:00

Husband recently gave me a book he's been using in his therapy group. "I think you'll like it," he said. I just finished reading the introduction, and was completely inspired by the last few sentences of it."A whole new level of being present to life can result with recovery. Life is never the same. There is no going back. Consider yourself called." - Recovery Zone by Patrick CarnesThat

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-21254696821068480152010-04-25T11:20:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.733-07:00

I'd had a long day yesterday and was pretty exhausted by the time we went out with a group of friends to dinner and a movie. The movie was an action comedy, and I really loved it. But sitting beside Husband watching the awkward teen sex scenes that were supposed to be funny made be a little uncomfortable. The crazy part of my brain couldn't help but wonder if he was finding those scenes hot or

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-49592276528076590352010-04-21T18:22:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.195-07:00

I met Husband during an amazing and formative time in my mid-20s. Life was late nights doing theater and hanging out at the bar or diner across the street in the wee hours of the morning. We were young and creative and following our passions.On a recent visit to that city, I returned to our old haunts. The building that housed our theater was completely gone, replaced by a glossy new high-rise.

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-22628939724316911722010-04-09T13:15:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.747-07:00

As I read about Tiki Barber and the guy in China who is sparking discussion about sex parties as a personal freedom issue, it strikes me that we need a new sexual revolution.I'm all for free speech, and prohibition doesn't seem to work well, but the impact of "casual" sex, multiple sex partners and the full menu of sex-related things available via the internet needs to be part of a big, frank

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-68915970311618701712010-04-05T17:51:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.368-07:00

Husband is hard to talk to. He gets defensive, and I have to choose my words very carefully or we get off track as he tries to invalidate some aspect of what I'm saying. (I think I do the same to him when I get defensive, so I have compassion for his use of this frustrating tactic.)I'd decided that I wanted to tell him that I'd felt kind of pissed off that he was a jerk to me about not being able

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-89773239030647660552010-04-01T23:58:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.618-07:00

Lightbulb! Lest I forget that recovery is a journey not a destination, Husband's occasionally stunning sense of entitlement rears its head.We were on our way home after a lovely evening out, and talking about the assignment that Husband's therapist had given him: Find something within the family to set boundaries about, something where you say "this is how it's going to be for me." He asked for

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-79040725406759160302010-03-29T19:53:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.499-07:00

As a recovering co-dependent raising a little son with a recovering sex addict, I often worry about whether or not my child has any chance of developing into a healthy person. (I'm half kidding when I say this, but only half.)In a post with what I think are several excellent points on parenting, GentlePath said: "...my most important job was to help my children develop a working inner compass..."

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-36007717153102173442010-02-02T07:51:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.000-07:00

Things continue to be...good. I think that's the best word. When I focus on being related and connected, Husband are I are related and connected. Sometimes, though, I become aware of the distance that I still feel between us, all coming from my side I think. We were making love last night and I felt like Husband couldn't come and I was wondering if he was or would have to think about other women

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-16893070733564441192010-01-13T18:59:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.667-07:00

A very good thing:http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/2807214/Tiger-Woods-in-rehab-to-cure-his-sex-drive.html

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-16636123930191369932009-12-13T23:05:00.001-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.654-07:00

“We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.” - Joseph CampbellSo much of my pain comes from thinking about the past, worrying about the future, and fantasizing about how life might have been different. I find my joy in the moments when I'm able to release all those other moments and center myself in the moment at hand. If I breathe deeply of the

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-57801181311155473232009-12-04T17:14:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.273-07:00

Since I wrote about creating a deep, connected, loving partnership with this new man who stands where the man I married once stood I've had more peace, both in my relationship and in my self.When I focus on connecting with Husband, he responds and I feel the possibility of our future together. When I freak out and withdraw into thinking about the past, I feel alone and isolated from him.It's a

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-2026880899339731132009-11-30T16:16:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.719-07:00

When I first discovered Husband's secret life, I told only three close girlfriends - two that are sisters to me but live far away and one that lives close to me who I knew would be more inclined to listen than to judge (she's the one I made a pass at in the early crazy weeks after I first found out!) We also told one close friend who is like a brother to both of us. And Husband told his real

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-36680499187568879562009-11-22T09:21:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.013-07:00

After having so much peace and resolution about Husband's lies and infidelity, and a lot of growth and learning under my belt, I'm always surprised when I backslide. Grief still seeps in some days, even though there's no logical reason for that to happen.I think despite progress I still grieve the loss of what I thought I had, the life I thought I was leading, the man I thought I married. And

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-64845377395838164272009-11-14T11:44:00.001-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.348-07:00

And it was a good thing. I asked my friend what I should do about all the feelings I was having. She recommended that I make sure to acknowledge Husband's progress at the same time so he wouldn't go into shame. (Sounds very codie, but we are.)That's what I wanted to do - I wanted to avoid Husband going somewhere unproductive when I knew I was having feelings about who he'd been and what he'd done

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-37667740132077134032009-11-13T12:52:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.063-07:00

What do you say when you are still angry and resentful toward someone who has sincerely apologized 1000 times already?I'm sitting here on the phone with the IRS getting to the bottom of all the taxes Husband didn't pay while he was in the throes of his illness, some of which could have been handled if he'd skipped a few visits to the $500 prostitutes.I'm so angry to be in this position, and so

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-44613334415232322522009-11-04T20:24:00.001-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.153-07:00

Getting back to practices, facing outward and connecting, focusing on the present, taking care of myself - working all these things is grounding me and getting me back to a peaceful place. It's like the fog suddenly comes in and settles, and then lifts just as unexpectedly. Was life like this before? I don't remember. I was asking Husband if he remembered how things were before all of this. I

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-31476320343209592442009-11-01T10:57:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.937-07:00

What I'm left with after reading and church this week is that I can find peace and freedom in surrender and gratitude.Notes to self (again):Step one: I'm powerless. Just admit it and surrender (over and over and over again!)One day at a time.My most important relationship is with my higher power, which I am an expression of. My most important actions are to use my life and my abilities to be of

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-43978885232083765672009-10-30T00:16:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.142-07:00

Because I have decided to try to work on my relationship with Husband, I've never had that final fuck-you moment. I've never been able to declare myself completely free of his influence and power over me. Instead I have said, "Yes, I gave you power over me - I gave you my trust. You betrayed that trust. And instead of withdrawing I'm choosing to trust you again. I'm giving you the power to hurt

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-5447423843797341152009-10-22T20:20:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.261-07:00

On the Pat Morrison radio show yesterday, Rabbi Harold Kushner said "I would make a distinction between curing, making a problem go away, and healing, which is giving a person the emotional, spiritual resources to cope with a problem that isn't going away." I think this is an insightful way to describe the process I've been going through since I discovered Husband's sex addiction.There is no

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-41895583917249414302009-10-07T23:03:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.112-07:00

At my S-Anon meeting this week we talked about some of the surprising things we'd learned about ourselves in the recovery process.One of the big things I've learned is how much power I'd given over to Husband. I'm not a person who becomes intimate with many people, and at the time Husband and I met, I didn't trust people easily either. But in Husband I found someone I thought I could trust 100%

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-85853971839224372192009-08-28T13:02:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.570-07:00

My son was in tears the other day because he accidentally erased his profile on his Nintendo DS game Lego Battles. He explained to my mother, who couldn't understand the problem this presented, that it meant that everything he'd accomplished, done, overcome, figured out, and scored over the past month of playing this game was gone and he had to start over with a blank slate. "Exactly!" I thought

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-30508911425455873692009-08-18T11:08:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.924-07:00

After two years of gigantic personal growth spurts, newly discovered spirituality, and tons of therapy, it would seem like everything would be on the up and up, yes?Well of course not! The whole "journey, not a destination" rigmarole seems to be proving true once again. (This is why it gets on mugs and magnets I suppose. They rival bumper stickers as a source for all of life's deepest truths.)

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-83657630791004254852009-08-13T10:08:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.533-07:00

A good article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32387125/ns/today-today_relationships/I've been struggling with this issue of getting past the past lately. Don't know why it's coming up now, more than two years out. But healing from sex addiction and betrayal has its own timeline, and while I can work hard, and I can watch Husband working hard, I've learned I can't put a date on when I'll be "healed."

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-40624258538572270232009-07-28T16:43:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.100-07:00

I've come quite a long way from my former fear and suspicion of any concept of a higher power. I've found that spiritual practices such as meditation, yoga and prayer to the god of my understanding result in peace and serenity in the face of that which is unknown and uncontrollable in life. I've also found that if I allow the most important relationship in my life to be with the god of my

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-6333349419198217252009-06-24T15:37:00.001-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.325-07:00

Husband and I were beginning to make love one night last week, and I was wrestling with being trapped in my head.Earlier in the evening as I was washing dishes somehow my mind went to thinking about how husband could have been spending his time with prostitutes while I was going about my daily life doing mundane things like washing dishes and not realizing what unimaginable physical intimacies he

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-64797457998190518112009-06-14T12:59:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.337-07:00

Since the beginning of June, and at the suggestion of his therapist, Husband has concluded both his individual and group therapy. Husband consulted me about this decision, and said that his therapist had offered to see us together if I was uncomfortable with this transition. But I decided that if both of them felt he was ready, and as long as Husband was planning to continue attending regular SAA

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-38443841566151230912009-06-04T19:43:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.074-07:00

On June 1, 2007 my life disintegrated when I found out that my husband and best friend of 20 years had spent tens of thousands of dollars having intercourse with high priced prostitutes for the past 3 1/2 years, and had been visiting strip clubs for lap dances since before we were married. I never had reason to suspect a thing, (in fact my husband always spoke with disdain about infidelity) and I

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-47662630591014001432009-05-12T09:59:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.183-07:00

The Buddhist Reviews Tricycle Magazine publishes a "Daily Dharma" email that excerpts writings on Buddhism.Today's edition about finding love in loss, from Lorne Ladner's book The Lost Art of Compassion, so aptly described what this journey has been for me:"To live a meaningful life, each of us must step outside the familiar, confining walls of ego defenses and enter our own wilderness, our own

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-74837770929411676022009-05-04T20:18:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.426-07:00

For the past several weeks I've been wrestling with fears. I even woke one night and went through Husband's emails and Twitter friends to see what I would find. I found nothing, and I don't have any reason to think anything's going on. It's surprising, because I'd have thought from the way things are going with Husband's recovery and our couples work that I would feel more secure, more sure by

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-71249487173295799582009-03-29T19:55:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.392-07:00

So I look at my last post and what I see is that I have some desire to control what Husband is thinking because I use what he's thinking to define myself.That's part of where the fear comes from.I know that for me wanting to control what I can't is a form of resisting what is so, and leads to nothing but unhappiness and dissatisfaction. So I'm willing to give that up (and give it up again and

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-75282394293564238432009-03-24T00:16:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.438-07:00

Last night Husband and I were making love, and I had the usual invasive thoughts and images of him with other women that usually accompany any sexual activity between us.This time those were fraught with fears about Husband fantasizing about other women while he was making love to me.I tried to think about why I was so afraid of this. First, why do I care so much about whether or not Husband

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-25903516711546735712009-03-22T16:08:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.828-07:00

A medium recently sang that Christmas carol to me when she was channeling my dead relatives. Only after the session was over did I catch the irony coming at me from the Other Side (or at the very least from her.)It's ironic that out of my husband being "unfaithful," I have launched myself into a deep exploration of faith. "Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase,

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-80654123358068085562009-03-01T19:28:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.511-07:00

"A good crisis is a terrible thing to waste" was the theme for the service at church today.That concept holds great meaning for me now, and reminds me how far I've come. It's often said (incorrectly) that the Chinese word for crisis is composed of two characters, one meaning "danger" and the other meaning "opportunity." While that isn't exactly true, I think the misunderstanding has survived over

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-28653818066655071362009-02-22T12:31:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.869-07:00

Went to church this morning, and what I got from it is that because I am an expression of the divine (Meister Eckhart - "Let God be God in you."), all my needs are already met and that when I'm unsure about that, I can lean toward and call on my higher power for support. I can't say with any certainty that any of this is true, but it gives me a more empowered place from which to live, so for now

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-7362905520763293582009-02-20T21:55:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.408-07:00

Went out to the treadmill and found myself reading Eckhart Tolle's chapters on ego from A New Earth. That gave me a more empowered perspective. I still have questions, but I also have some clarity.Further proof that my higher power will do for me what I cannot do for myself.

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-14314053455228974482009-02-20T18:47:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.599-07:00

After all this time, after all the recovery, all the therapy, all the growth...there are still triggers. It started last weekend when I stayed in a Sheraton Hotel. Hotels like that call to mind images of what I think went on with Husband and prostitutes in similar rooms. With the images come questions I thought I'd put behind me: What was he thinking? How could he do that? How could he lie to me?

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-51134928567589617242009-02-05T09:24:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.207-07:00

Close to two years now and I'm not sure that a day goes by without me having at least one thought about what Husband did. Usually it doesn't really trigger me anymore, which is a sign of the progress I've made. But sometimes I get sad and start to feel distant, which is what has been happening lately.GentlePath wrote today that "There’s a point where a remembered hurt can develop into a

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-84932351601656263672009-02-04T21:46:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.550-07:00

I haven't seen Benjamin Button yet, but a friend sent me this quote which resonated so strongly with me. It's like a prayer I can say to myself.“It’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whoever you want to be.There’s no limit.Start whenever you want.You can change or stay the same.There are no rules to this thing.We can make the best or the worst of it.I hope you make the best of it.I

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-61830914472930935432009-02-01T10:56:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.312-07:00

The questions in church today were "How can I grow?" "What can I give?" "What can I celebrate?During the service what came to me is that the origin of all forms of self-loathing rises out of my perception of self as separate from the divine. And that what I can do in the face of that is to surrender to being an instrument of divine expression. To view myself as a unique expression of universal

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-17021799869809006052009-01-28T00:09:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.681-07:00

Tonight in my S-Anon meeting I was reminded about a large part of the reason I ended up married to an addict.My mother's father was the child of an alcoholic father. His mother, my great grandmother, divorced her abusive husband in a time and a culture where that was unheard of, so it must have been pretty bad. My grandfather didn't drink, didn't have any addictions as far as I know. But he was

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-15028025664362824782009-01-20T09:42:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.620-07:00

This past weekend I took a workshop about developing and performing solo work. I was terrified, so I knew I must be heading in the right direction. After the first meeting on Friday I almost pulled out, full of that nagging fear that I have nothing to say, nothing to offer. But over and over again I brought myself back the new mandate I've given myself: Give my gifts and celebrate what has been

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-78857939511904588202008-12-25T17:41:00.001-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.482-07:00

I realized this morning that I’ve come to dread Christmas. Years ago I bought Husband a Thai cookbook for his birthday. He’d always enjoyed cooking, and had discovered Thai food as several inexpensive Thai restaurants blossomed around Seattle. I was so excited for him to open his present, and was crushed when he seemed almost insulted by my gift. The details of what was said have faded with time,

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-37239988258883192242008-12-15T18:10:00.001-08:002011-12-18T03:08:04.493-08:00

A central concept in Buddhism is Dukkha, which translates generally as discomfort but encompasses the full range of discomfort from uneasiness and annoyance to the deepest pain and suffering. My recent visit to a psychic medium represenced me to this concept and illuminated for me how far I've come in my journey. I'd seen Laura soon after I found out about Husband's addiction when I was

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-77456229641955706282008-12-03T01:07:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.451-07:00

On the CD that comes with the book Spiritual Liberation by Michael Bernard Beckwith, he says "In the mind of God there aren't any problems, there are just impetuses for us to evolve." He goes on to say that the real question to ask as we face challenges is "where must I grow, where must I evolve?" What is it within me that I must set free to empower myself in the face of this issue?I've also been

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-22901111718902613412008-11-20T15:27:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:39.764-07:00

I was thinking about my 20 history with Husband, and how I would ever be able to start a new relationship with someone other than him if I had to.Without 20 years of history, how would I know this person, and how would they know me? How would I be able to feel safe with somebody completely unknown?What popped into my head was this:The question would not be "Do you know and love me enough to be in

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-90781976623715164782008-11-18T22:10:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.629-07:00

It's a surprising development, considering my skepticism. But more than anything else, this has been a spiritual journey for me. Who woulda thought? Certainly not me.One of the things I've realized through all the reading I've been doing (mostly Buddhism) and through participating in the S-Anon 12 step program is that spirituality has been missing from my life. I've always had to have every

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-77477492997492870192008-11-10T22:34:00.000-08:002011-10-30T16:26:40.461-07:00

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-53218836814419574522008-11-01T01:01:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.246-07:00

Husband and I got married on November 1, 1997.We don't have any special celebration planned this year. Last year we celebrated with a honeymoon on Maui, about 4 months after the truth had come out. It was an intense, emotional time.This year I feel different. Less emotional, more guarded, yet willing to leave the past in the past, live in the present moment and give what I have today a chance.I'm

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-87620775849550539052008-10-17T23:04:00.001-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.595-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been exhausting and confusing. It's no one big catastrophe. More visits to the ER with more of Husband's medical issues; Husband's fear of pain which results in him screaming like he's dying even when he's not; wondering what I'll do if Husband does die (unlikely) because he let his hard-to-get life insurance lapse when he was in the throes of his addiction; lots of

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-3259995980413201252008-10-03T20:38:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.969-07:00

I'm feeling more stable now that my walls are firmly in place. I'm still connecting with my feelings, but I have decided to take off the wife and lover hats, as Sophie wrote to me explaining how she handles trust in her marriage to an addict.I had to deliver something to a client today, and ended up parking right in front of the Oriental Massage place where Husband got his first taste of

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-89088026269624515872008-09-30T10:42:00.001-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.607-07:00

Today the overwhelming thing I'm feeling is fear.I'm afraid to trust Husband. When I can't reach him on the phone, where is he? I'm afraid that my pulling back is making him so sacred that he's going to slip back into old behaviors and resentment.I'm afraid that he'll start to pull away from me, and from trying to work things out because of his fearI'm afraid of losing himI'm afraid of wanting

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-23379168184783667482008-09-29T13:59:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.776-07:00

I've come a long way in 15 months.As I face the current situation there are many ways in which I can see I'm doing things differently.I'm not giving him the benefit of the doubt on anything that doesn't feel quite right to me.I'm allowing myself to be in my feelings of anger, confusion, and pain rather than immediately looking for a way to be understanding and reasonable or make him feel

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-37317917606277306762008-09-27T23:16:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.044-07:00

Having little opportunity to deal with Husband's recent lies and omissions has left me sitting with anger and pain and confusion that only seem to increase with time.I did an outreach call today, and the woman I talked with suggested I write down some of my feelings as a way of releasing them.I feel so disrespected. How could he lie to me again? After seeing the pain and agony it caused before?

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-90799664408523396332008-09-25T23:35:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:40.640-07:00

Today I was feeling a lot of fear, anxiety and grief. I'm trying to have compassion for Husband, and to be with him during his medical crisis. I have waves of sadness because I can't feel love for him sometimes. Still, even at this point in the journey, sometimes I have a hard time with what's happened.

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-24198620395134945952008-09-25T00:58:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.790-07:00

I've spent most of the day at the hospital after finding husband collapsed on the bathroom floor this morning in pain and sweaty with numb extremities. It was such a weird experience, paramedics and all, because I was still angry about the hiding, lying and omitting I'd caught him doing.Before I left to drop son at school and head to the hospital to catch up with him, I grabbed a copy of Jack

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8345462981115809499.post-18310387246783816312008-09-23T15:55:00.000-07:002011-10-30T16:26:39.692-07:00

Not only did Husband go to "the Hooters of mens' hair salons" to quote Margaux Mead, he also took $170 in cash out in small amounts over the weekend, most disguised as cash back on debit card purchases.I found out about all this when I went to do some online banking in our joint account last night.So I asked.Is THAT where you went to get your hair cut? Yes. But it's not like that. (Yeah, whatever

woman.anonymous7http://www.blogger.com/profile/09360902845606513227noreply@blogger.com8