At my request Husband created a New Year's Eve ritual for us, which we did about an hour ago.
We took showers, then wrote down 3 limiting beliefs. We went outside to the fire pit and burned those 3 slips of paper. Then we came inside and rang our meditation bell 108 times and smudged the house with sage with the doors wide open.
The three limiting beliefs I burned:
- I am right.
- I'm too tired.
- I can handle life all by myself.
One of the things I'm so deeply grateful for this year is the community of people I've met and heard from online. Community with you has given me solace, strength and peace as I have faced the most difficult times of my life.
I wish all of you courage, strength, peace, happiness and love in 2008.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Sometimes I can't feel my feelings
Sometimes I can't feel my feelings for Husband and it scares me. The Junky's Wife captured my fear when she said she's "afraid of finding that switch, finding that it's turned to "OFF." This man has meant the world to me, and the idea that I could stop loving, stop caring, stop being invested in participating in a future with him is terrifying."
I realized today that some of the intense waves of sadness I've been feeling over the past two days have a lot to do with that fear. Not finding out something about how Husband feels about me, but finding out something about how I feel about him.
I think I still love him. Sometimes I feel it...at least I think I have. But right now I can't feel the kind of love I used to feel. I'm sort of numb with regard to Husband, and it makes me deeply sad. And it's not that he's not trying. But there is no undoing what has been done. The only way through is through. I am so tired of feeling like my life is so messed up.
The only path I see that offers anything I want is the spiritual path. More meditating, yoga, reading, prayer (still wondering if I can do that,) breathing. Not running away. Not drinking. Not too much sugar. Feeling whatever there is to feel.
The only thing I'm going to allow myself when the feelings are too overwhelming is exercise. I haven't been exercising for the past week and I really feel it.
That's what I'm going to do right now.
I realized today that some of the intense waves of sadness I've been feeling over the past two days have a lot to do with that fear. Not finding out something about how Husband feels about me, but finding out something about how I feel about him.
I think I still love him. Sometimes I feel it...at least I think I have. But right now I can't feel the kind of love I used to feel. I'm sort of numb with regard to Husband, and it makes me deeply sad. And it's not that he's not trying. But there is no undoing what has been done. The only way through is through. I am so tired of feeling like my life is so messed up.
The only path I see that offers anything I want is the spiritual path. More meditating, yoga, reading, prayer (still wondering if I can do that,) breathing. Not running away. Not drinking. Not too much sugar. Feeling whatever there is to feel.
The only thing I'm going to allow myself when the feelings are too overwhelming is exercise. I haven't been exercising for the past week and I really feel it.
That's what I'm going to do right now.
More emotions coming to the surface
Today we took a trip to Legoland with Son and his best friend and his friend's parents. It was a fun day, and I was feeling generally good. But tonight in the shower I found myself wondering how I can know what it is to be loved when the person who says they love you hurts you so much.
Usually when you're hurt this badly by your partner, the ultimate message is something along the lines of "I don't feel the same way about you I used to." That is clearer to me. But Husband has caused this pain, and yet is telling me that he still loves me as much, and is more present to it than before even. So is this intense pain part of what love is? I'm confused. How does he really feel about me? How do I feel about him? How do I feel about myself? I'm still afraid that someday he won't want me anymore. That sounds so horribly pathetic. But what I mean is that I'm scared that I'll let myself feel something for him again only to be hurt like this again. I'm also afraid that love really is there and I won't be able to get past our past and I'll miss out on the chance to have that relationship because I'm so fucked up by the confusion of it all.
I think the answer lies in meditation, more reading, talking...maybe prayer if I can figure out how to do that.
Some moments I feel so sane and clear, and others I feel so crazy and confused.
Usually when you're hurt this badly by your partner, the ultimate message is something along the lines of "I don't feel the same way about you I used to." That is clearer to me. But Husband has caused this pain, and yet is telling me that he still loves me as much, and is more present to it than before even. So is this intense pain part of what love is? I'm confused. How does he really feel about me? How do I feel about him? How do I feel about myself? I'm still afraid that someday he won't want me anymore. That sounds so horribly pathetic. But what I mean is that I'm scared that I'll let myself feel something for him again only to be hurt like this again. I'm also afraid that love really is there and I won't be able to get past our past and I'll miss out on the chance to have that relationship because I'm so fucked up by the confusion of it all.
I think the answer lies in meditation, more reading, talking...maybe prayer if I can figure out how to do that.
Some moments I feel so sane and clear, and others I feel so crazy and confused.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Reading about fear has helped
After a lot of anguish last night, I woke this morning feeling better. I'd started reading and article in the Shambala Sun called Fear and Fearlessness: What the Buddhists Teach.
The whole article gives me a lot to think about, but one passage in particular stood out for me last night:
"Fear arises in the moment you ask yourself, what is this all about? Inevitably, it has nothing to do with right now. It has to do with the future, but the future doesn't exist. It hasn't happened yet. The past doesn't exist. It has already happened. The only thing you've got is what's right here, right now. And coming home to the moment makes all the difference in the world in how you deal with fear." - John Daido Loori, Roshi
The author goes on to say, "You can't develop fearlessness - really, compassionate, generous fearlessness - without fear. Fearlessness is born of fear."
I'm more convinced than ever that I've unwittingly set off on a spiritual journey, and that Husband is a teacher for me. Not that he's talking and I'm listening; but he's being and that is providing an opportunity for an awakening for me. I am co-existing with fear and pain beyond anything I've experienced before, and it's taking me to places I've never been. If I find peace and serenity as I face this rather than turn away, that will be a strength I never knew I was missing, nor imagined I'd possess. I think I'm beginning to have a relationship with myself, or maybe, more accurately, with everything, that I never knew was possible.
The whole article gives me a lot to think about, but one passage in particular stood out for me last night:
"Fear arises in the moment you ask yourself, what is this all about? Inevitably, it has nothing to do with right now. It has to do with the future, but the future doesn't exist. It hasn't happened yet. The past doesn't exist. It has already happened. The only thing you've got is what's right here, right now. And coming home to the moment makes all the difference in the world in how you deal with fear." - John Daido Loori, Roshi
The author goes on to say, "You can't develop fearlessness - really, compassionate, generous fearlessness - without fear. Fearlessness is born of fear."
I'm more convinced than ever that I've unwittingly set off on a spiritual journey, and that Husband is a teacher for me. Not that he's talking and I'm listening; but he's being and that is providing an opportunity for an awakening for me. I am co-existing with fear and pain beyond anything I've experienced before, and it's taking me to places I've never been. If I find peace and serenity as I face this rather than turn away, that will be a strength I never knew I was missing, nor imagined I'd possess. I think I'm beginning to have a relationship with myself, or maybe, more accurately, with everything, that I never knew was possible.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Where does the pain come from?
It feel like things are improving overall, and yet I'm still getting hit with bouts of pain. And it seems like pain I should have experienced already somehow, but it's hitting with a force that is surprising.
Drinking too much for the last couple nights in a row made me realize that there is something trying to come to the surface. While numbing it would feel better, I don't want to go down that path. So no more drinking.
What's coming up is that I'm really sad and angry because I don't see how I can ever be close to husband in the same way again after he's lied to me. And I'm sad because I used to feel so good about the model our relationship was for our son. Lots of hugs and kisses, respect, sharing responsibility, lots of laughing and enjoying each other. I don't see how our relationship can be deep and spontaneous again when I feel so guarded. And it's sad for me that our son might lose that.
How do you get past lies? How do you build trust with someone who has lied to you for years? I could leave this relationship hoping for something better, but is that just running away from the reality of being an adult? The reality that nobody is perfect, that everybody has it within them to hurt you.
Husband is sick, and his sickness makes him a self-aggrandizing asshole who could lie to his wife. He's also loving, tender, a great father, a great partner, funny, smart, generous...the list of his qualities that I appreciate is long. He is not mentally or physically abusive. He is in recovery, working his programs. But I'm afraid of him...that he's going to break my heart again. That the asshole part of him is going to build up resentments, start giving him reasons why he deserves to do this thing or that thing. Just this, to make himself feel better. Then when that doesn't explode in his face, maybe just a little more, and then maybe cross another line and on and on. I think finding out that he was thinking about looking at porn online really made me realize how this is never really going to be gone, just managed. For the rest of our lives together.
I don't know if I have the energy, and I'm afraid of who I might become if I do, and afraid that I'm missing a major growth opportunity if I don't face this now.
No clarity whatsoever in this haze of sobriety I've resigned myself to.
Drinking too much for the last couple nights in a row made me realize that there is something trying to come to the surface. While numbing it would feel better, I don't want to go down that path. So no more drinking.
What's coming up is that I'm really sad and angry because I don't see how I can ever be close to husband in the same way again after he's lied to me. And I'm sad because I used to feel so good about the model our relationship was for our son. Lots of hugs and kisses, respect, sharing responsibility, lots of laughing and enjoying each other. I don't see how our relationship can be deep and spontaneous again when I feel so guarded. And it's sad for me that our son might lose that.
How do you get past lies? How do you build trust with someone who has lied to you for years? I could leave this relationship hoping for something better, but is that just running away from the reality of being an adult? The reality that nobody is perfect, that everybody has it within them to hurt you.
Husband is sick, and his sickness makes him a self-aggrandizing asshole who could lie to his wife. He's also loving, tender, a great father, a great partner, funny, smart, generous...the list of his qualities that I appreciate is long. He is not mentally or physically abusive. He is in recovery, working his programs. But I'm afraid of him...that he's going to break my heart again. That the asshole part of him is going to build up resentments, start giving him reasons why he deserves to do this thing or that thing. Just this, to make himself feel better. Then when that doesn't explode in his face, maybe just a little more, and then maybe cross another line and on and on. I think finding out that he was thinking about looking at porn online really made me realize how this is never really going to be gone, just managed. For the rest of our lives together.
I don't know if I have the energy, and I'm afraid of who I might become if I do, and afraid that I'm missing a major growth opportunity if I don't face this now.
No clarity whatsoever in this haze of sobriety I've resigned myself to.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Higher power speaking again
Online looking for rituals for a new year, I came across this in an article on New Year's Rituals for Families by Meg Cox:
"In Scotland," explains Jim Sanford of Warren, Vt., "they say the first person to cross your threshold at the new year should be a dark, handsome young man in a kilt or black tie, and he brings four gifts: coal, to symbolize warmth; a black bun for healthy food; a bottle of Scotch whiskey for prosperity; and then some salt, to remind you that all the good things of life don't come without sadness."
I was looking for a way to put closure on the pain and disappointment of this year and along came my reminder that there is no closure on sadness. Like joy, love, peace and happiness, loss, grief and sadness are all part of life, and to expect otherwise is to be naive. Which I've been for so long I think. It's good to be growing.
"In Scotland," explains Jim Sanford of Warren, Vt., "they say the first person to cross your threshold at the new year should be a dark, handsome young man in a kilt or black tie, and he brings four gifts: coal, to symbolize warmth; a black bun for healthy food; a bottle of Scotch whiskey for prosperity; and then some salt, to remind you that all the good things of life don't come without sadness."
I was looking for a way to put closure on the pain and disappointment of this year and along came my reminder that there is no closure on sadness. Like joy, love, peace and happiness, loss, grief and sadness are all part of life, and to expect otherwise is to be naive. Which I've been for so long I think. It's good to be growing.
On a positive note...a sign of my growth
When I was confronting Husband about his Internet activity yesterday I said something mean like, "Why don't you just go and get a job at fucking Burger King if you need to keep yourself busy?!"
So angry he could barely get the words out, he sputtered, "Judgement is the enemy of honesty!" My mind went, "Huh?" but I think I retreated a bit. We talked more and I told him I was scared and angry and needed time to be those things and that I'd be understanding later. He agreed.
But after some thinking time I realized that his retort had piqued my spidey sense because it put the responsibility for his honesty on me! So I told him later that evening what I thought about that statement, and that I refused to accept that responsibility. "What I think is that cowardice is the enemy of honesty," I said. Able to be more rational now that he was out of his immediate reaction to conflict and to the possibility of losing me, he apologized and said I had every right to reject responsibility for his honesty.
So it's good. Some shit just ain't gonna work on me anymore. That's progress.
So angry he could barely get the words out, he sputtered, "Judgement is the enemy of honesty!" My mind went, "Huh?" but I think I retreated a bit. We talked more and I told him I was scared and angry and needed time to be those things and that I'd be understanding later. He agreed.
But after some thinking time I realized that his retort had piqued my spidey sense because it put the responsibility for his honesty on me! So I told him later that evening what I thought about that statement, and that I refused to accept that responsibility. "What I think is that cowardice is the enemy of honesty," I said. Able to be more rational now that he was out of his immediate reaction to conflict and to the possibility of losing me, he apologized and said I had every right to reject responsibility for his honesty.
So it's good. Some shit just ain't gonna work on me anymore. That's progress.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
There is still grief
More Christmas shopping today - bricks and mortar instead of online. A reaction to yesterday? I don't know.
Anyway, I decided to buy myself Melody Beattie's book The Grief Club because I'd had some inkling that I was still holding onto unresolved grief.
I read the sentence, "Yeah, it really does hurt to watch alcohol destroy our love." and I break down sobbing. (On my trusty treadmill again, thank god.) Grief washes over me as I realize we're dealing with addictions and compulsions that do have that power to destroy - even something that feels as profound and deep and basic to life as the love we've shared.
Beattie's book deals not just with grief from loss of a loved one, but grief from life's major losses. I'm on chapter 2 and so far it resonates with the journey I'm on.
Anyway, I decided to buy myself Melody Beattie's book The Grief Club because I'd had some inkling that I was still holding onto unresolved grief.
I read the sentence, "Yeah, it really does hurt to watch alcohol destroy our love." and I break down sobbing. (On my trusty treadmill again, thank god.) Grief washes over me as I realize we're dealing with addictions and compulsions that do have that power to destroy - even something that feels as profound and deep and basic to life as the love we've shared.
Beattie's book deals not just with grief from loss of a loved one, but grief from life's major losses. I'm on chapter 2 and so far it resonates with the journey I'm on.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Yes, I really live with a sex addict
What happened today re-presenced me to the confusion, anger and pain that is still close to the surface for me.
Husband's version of what happened is that when he heard he wasn't getting a job he interviewed for, his impulses kicked in. "I thought I'd look at some pictures and jack off and then I'd feel better. But then I didn't do it."
And the fact is, he didn't do anything he promised he wouldn't do. Looking at porn is not in his inner circle. He didn't break his SAA abstinence. But finding the evidence of what he had done scared me. He's not exactly down the path of sexual compulsion, but he's at the beginning of it. And he hasn't gone near that path for months now.
So now what? Do I live the rest of my life with a bag packed just in case? Allow myself to rebuild trust and love...but hold back just a little bit of both. Keep part of myself walled off from Husband like a bit of sourdough starter in case I have to start over again? That's not the relationship I want. On the other hand, if I find another partner, one with whom I don't share a past of lies and betrayal, does that necessarily mean things will be better? I know enough now not to believe that. Husband is fucked up, but he truly loves me. He truly cares about and for me. He's a great father to our son, a great partner in so many ways.
I know I'm supposed to regard Husbands compulsion as a disease. And I wouldn't leave him if he were diagnosed with a serious illness. And if he were, my life would be forever different just as it is now that I've found out about his sexual compulsion (although my past would likely have stayed relatively intact.) But I struggle. Truthfully, I'm not feeling all that noble. However, as I sit here and think about it I realize it's not so much the disease that's hard to live with, but the unknown. But we all live with the unknown. I just happen to be married to the embodiment of that.
Husband's version of what happened is that when he heard he wasn't getting a job he interviewed for, his impulses kicked in. "I thought I'd look at some pictures and jack off and then I'd feel better. But then I didn't do it."
And the fact is, he didn't do anything he promised he wouldn't do. Looking at porn is not in his inner circle. He didn't break his SAA abstinence. But finding the evidence of what he had done scared me. He's not exactly down the path of sexual compulsion, but he's at the beginning of it. And he hasn't gone near that path for months now.
So now what? Do I live the rest of my life with a bag packed just in case? Allow myself to rebuild trust and love...but hold back just a little bit of both. Keep part of myself walled off from Husband like a bit of sourdough starter in case I have to start over again? That's not the relationship I want. On the other hand, if I find another partner, one with whom I don't share a past of lies and betrayal, does that necessarily mean things will be better? I know enough now not to believe that. Husband is fucked up, but he truly loves me. He truly cares about and for me. He's a great father to our son, a great partner in so many ways.
I know I'm supposed to regard Husbands compulsion as a disease. And I wouldn't leave him if he were diagnosed with a serious illness. And if he were, my life would be forever different just as it is now that I've found out about his sexual compulsion (although my past would likely have stayed relatively intact.) But I struggle. Truthfully, I'm not feeling all that noble. However, as I sit here and think about it I realize it's not so much the disease that's hard to live with, but the unknown. But we all live with the unknown. I just happen to be married to the embodiment of that.
The addict among us
Just sat down to do some Christmas shopping on the computer when I looked up at the toolbar to see the name Ashley somebody in the search field.
My heart stops for a moment. I know I'm not searching for the Ashleys of the world. I click the search button to see where Google will take me. For those of you who don't know, Ashley is a porn star.
So I ask Husband about this immediately, but I already know. We've had a visit from his addict. He says he didn't actually look at anything. (Sounds familiar to my ear now.) Says he didn't go near any inner circle behaviors. Etc... Fine. Good. No fucking other women, no rubbing up against strippers or getting those blow job "massages." Just looking at porn on the internet like any other normal American male.
But I don't know what's normal any more. I don't know what I should accept. I accepted too much for too long. I know I can't control him, and I don't want to. But I don't want to go down that slippery slope back to those things I definitely know are not normal.
I'm scared and angry right now.
My heart stops for a moment. I know I'm not searching for the Ashleys of the world. I click the search button to see where Google will take me. For those of you who don't know, Ashley is a porn star.
So I ask Husband about this immediately, but I already know. We've had a visit from his addict. He says he didn't actually look at anything. (Sounds familiar to my ear now.) Says he didn't go near any inner circle behaviors. Etc... Fine. Good. No fucking other women, no rubbing up against strippers or getting those blow job "massages." Just looking at porn on the internet like any other normal American male.
But I don't know what's normal any more. I don't know what I should accept. I accepted too much for too long. I know I can't control him, and I don't want to. But I don't want to go down that slippery slope back to those things I definitely know are not normal.
I'm scared and angry right now.
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