Flashbacks and Silda Spitzer

The unfolding of the Spitzer family's crisis has definitely raised my level of anxiety. Watching Silda Spitzer standing there beside her husband took me back to those first days when I found out about Husband's sex addiction.

I've been feeling detatched again; picturing Husband touching those other women the way he is touching me when we are making love; doubting his word; wondering if he's really where he says he is. Nothing has changed. I have no new reasons to doubt him. I can tell these aren't "instincts" but just reactions to revisiting my past triggered by watching the Spitzer crisis play out. It is part of the process. I also look forward to feeling joy when Husband says "I love you" instead of feeling a combination of nothing and doubt as to what that means.

My mantra: Nothing is permanent and this, too, shall pass.

I'm surprised by all the analysis, judgement and criticism of Silda Spitzer, although I admit I may have been in the "outraged as a woman" camp myself. I've heard people say "I can't imagine standing by my husband in that situation." And my initial reaction is, "Of course you can't! You haven't been through it, so stop judging her!"

But I also understand that Spitzer's betrayal brings up all sorts of fears and defenses for people, and that just like them, I wouldn't have been able to imagine the complexity, shock and profound disorientation of it had I not experienced it myself.

I hope Hillary or someone who understands sex addiction has been able to reach out to her and offer help.

Spitzer

My heart goes out to Silda Spitzer and their daughters. My first thought was that I wanted to send her books. Here is the book list I'd recommend:

Out of the Shadows by Patrick Carnes (all the Carnes books I've read have been helpful)
When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron
No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh
The Grief Club by Melody Beattie
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross & David Kessler

My heart goes out to him as well. I think sex addiction is such an under-diagnosed and certainly under-discussed issue.

Reading about the Spitzers today brought a little pit back into my stomach. I don't like looking back, but it's good to go back there. When I can look back with no fear, no anxiety, no anger, no resentment, no regret...then I'll know I've faced all there is to face and learned the lessons there for me to learn.

Right now, I'm still on the journey.