Last night as we lay in bed, Husband asked me how I was. I told him I was okay, but that I was really still coming to terms with the fact that in order to choose to be with him, I also have to choose to be in relationsihp with the addict as well. He said, "I have another idea. How about being in a relationship with a recovering sex addict?"
I hadn't thought of it that way. Maybe that's the actual choice: Husband, the person I knew and loved and married; and the recovering addict who has been brought out of hiding and who is seeking support. I have to ask my therapist about this approach. I still don't know whether or not I'm fooling myself - or how to figure out if I'm a mature adult working out something with someone I love who is important to both me and my son, or if I'm just a co-dependent who can't walk away from an unhealthy situation. But Husband is doing everything he can to address the issues. He's passed 30 days sobriety in both SAA and OA. I told him yesterday that I believe he can do it, one day at a time. So I think for now I'll say we're mature adults, working out the issues in our lives one day at a time, together.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
This communication business isn't easy
My reaction to Husband's middle circle behavior has made him concerned about telling me things. He said he questionst the value of telling me things that hurt me or cause me anxiety.
My thought is that this sounds like a "considerate" version of "she can't handle the truth" which has been his reason for not expressing things or talking about things since he was young.
I think I deserve the truth. And I'll have feelings and reactions. And I think I deserve for us to weather those feelings and reactions, and work things out together so that we can both learn to tell each other things that are uncomfortable and difficult to share, and to deal with reactions that are uncomfortable or difficult.
I definitely think we should present this to our couples therapist and see what she says. Until then, Husband said he plans to tell me everything, and then re-evaluate, based on our therapist's recommendation.
I know Husband has been uncomfortable with my reaction. So have I. And I'm afraid he's going to stop sharing because it's difficult. But that's one of the roots of our problem. It feels like a Catch-22 situation. Thank god for therapy.
My thought is that this sounds like a "considerate" version of "she can't handle the truth" which has been his reason for not expressing things or talking about things since he was young.
I think I deserve the truth. And I'll have feelings and reactions. And I think I deserve for us to weather those feelings and reactions, and work things out together so that we can both learn to tell each other things that are uncomfortable and difficult to share, and to deal with reactions that are uncomfortable or difficult.
I definitely think we should present this to our couples therapist and see what she says. Until then, Husband said he plans to tell me everything, and then re-evaluate, based on our therapist's recommendation.
I know Husband has been uncomfortable with my reaction. So have I. And I'm afraid he's going to stop sharing because it's difficult. But that's one of the roots of our problem. It feels like a Catch-22 situation. Thank god for therapy.
One day at a time
Yesterday I was talking with Husband on the phone. I knew he was having a hard day, getting very present to how unhappy he is in his job. He had called me earlier in the day because he said he realized the feelings he was having, and that he was thinking about doing the things he used to do to handle them - going to the bookstore, going to a movie, masturbating. So he said he thought he'd reach out to others instead. And one of the people he called was me. So I called him later in the day to check in and give support. It came up that he had gone and masturbated after all.
In his recovery program they use 3 circles to define behaviors. Inner Circle behaviors are those that the addict is abstaining from. Middle Circle behaviors are "behaviours which are much less destructive and weaker in intensity. They cause us much less of a problem but tend to lead us back to the inner circle. You can also put behaviours about which you are unsure in this category." Masturbating while at work is in his middle circle in his recovery program.
It's not surprising that he's doing this. And it's not surprising that at this stage, reaching out to others doesn't provide the same satisfaction that it feels like masturbating will provide. It's not secret behavior and doesn't satisfy that same need for power and/or distraction in one's life. But it scares me. He's not feeling secretive about it, but I'm worried that he'll slip back into behaviors that he doesn't want to tell me about and start lying to me again. So I was having a lot of anxiety late in the day. Fortunately my S-Anon meeting was last night, so I went there hoping to find comfort. It was a topic meeting, and the topic question was "How do I rebuild trust?"
As the meeting progressed it dawned on me that I face a different choice than I realized. The choice is not stick with this and create the bond of trust we had before, or move on. The question at hand is whether or not I'm willing/able to be in a relationship with both Husband AND his addict. Because that person is there (I was reminded of that because of the compulsive masturbating) and according to what is understood about addiction, he's never going away. So I no longer have a choice to be in a relationship with just my husband. That is no longer available to me, and never will be again. I've been feeling very sad about that loss. But I know that I need to CHOOSE to be in this relationship with the 2 of them, and not just ACCEPT, not in any way be a victim about this decision. I have to POWERFULLY choose to be in this relationship with Husband and his addict forever, and to be responsible for my own happiness inside this choice. There is no room for blame, resentment or any of that kind of thing if we're going to be successful. But I'm terrified to willingly enter into a relationship with the Addict who doesn't love me, care about me in any way, and won't ever consider the impact of his actions on my life or my happiness. And I'm angry that this is the only way I can have my husband.
Today I gave my mom a ride to work, and on the way back I suddenly realized that I was in the neighborhood of some of the hotels at which Husband met prostitutes for sex. And then just as quickly, I saw a name that I recognized. Tears came to my eyes, and sadness enveloped me as I looked at that building and saw where my husband came to be with other women. I understand so much intellectually about what happened, that my sadness caught me by surprise. But it's there. It's there. And it's important to be present to it. But it's not comfortable. And it hurts.
In his recovery program they use 3 circles to define behaviors. Inner Circle behaviors are those that the addict is abstaining from. Middle Circle behaviors are "behaviours which are much less destructive and weaker in intensity. They cause us much less of a problem but tend to lead us back to the inner circle. You can also put behaviours about which you are unsure in this category." Masturbating while at work is in his middle circle in his recovery program.
It's not surprising that he's doing this. And it's not surprising that at this stage, reaching out to others doesn't provide the same satisfaction that it feels like masturbating will provide. It's not secret behavior and doesn't satisfy that same need for power and/or distraction in one's life. But it scares me. He's not feeling secretive about it, but I'm worried that he'll slip back into behaviors that he doesn't want to tell me about and start lying to me again. So I was having a lot of anxiety late in the day. Fortunately my S-Anon meeting was last night, so I went there hoping to find comfort. It was a topic meeting, and the topic question was "How do I rebuild trust?"
As the meeting progressed it dawned on me that I face a different choice than I realized. The choice is not stick with this and create the bond of trust we had before, or move on. The question at hand is whether or not I'm willing/able to be in a relationship with both Husband AND his addict. Because that person is there (I was reminded of that because of the compulsive masturbating) and according to what is understood about addiction, he's never going away. So I no longer have a choice to be in a relationship with just my husband. That is no longer available to me, and never will be again. I've been feeling very sad about that loss. But I know that I need to CHOOSE to be in this relationship with the 2 of them, and not just ACCEPT, not in any way be a victim about this decision. I have to POWERFULLY choose to be in this relationship with Husband and his addict forever, and to be responsible for my own happiness inside this choice. There is no room for blame, resentment or any of that kind of thing if we're going to be successful. But I'm terrified to willingly enter into a relationship with the Addict who doesn't love me, care about me in any way, and won't ever consider the impact of his actions on my life or my happiness. And I'm angry that this is the only way I can have my husband.
Today I gave my mom a ride to work, and on the way back I suddenly realized that I was in the neighborhood of some of the hotels at which Husband met prostitutes for sex. And then just as quickly, I saw a name that I recognized. Tears came to my eyes, and sadness enveloped me as I looked at that building and saw where my husband came to be with other women. I understand so much intellectually about what happened, that my sadness caught me by surprise. But it's there. It's there. And it's important to be present to it. But it's not comfortable. And it hurts.
Monday, July 9, 2007
On Saturday Husband and I had an amazing session with our joint therapist. Husband talked about realizing how much he missed his mother after she moved out when he was in 4th grade - something he's just consciously realized over the past week. And also his sadness around not getting any support for his pain and loss at the time. Having our son really brought this home for him - thinking of our little boy crying with nobody there to comfort him.
The other thing was that she helped me realize the role I play in my husband's life. He has the primary place of importance in my life. He is the focus of my attention, along with my son. I am the focus of his attention in the same way. I am or have been also the centeral focus of the attentions of many other significant people in my life. As an only child with loving parents, I am/was the focus for my mom and dad. And I was an only grandchild to my mother's parents for 8 years, and on my father's side until I was in highschool. Not to mention I have two close friends who are basically my sisters, and several other close friends with whom I share intimate emotional relationships. My husband does not have this experience. Truth aside, his experience is that I am the only person in his life for whom he is the main focus of love, attention, need, etc. Which makes some of the things I do or say to him much more significant than either of us realized.
As we talked about this, it helped both of us understand some of the dynamics between us - why I may not listen to/hear something that's important to him, why he might react very strongly to something that I didn't anticipate as being so significant (and then not tell me about it, because his experience has also been that nobody will be there to help him with his feelings and he'll have to handle that alone.) I also began to accept in some deeper, more fundamental way how much my husband really does love me. My own issues have kept me from accepting that fully, despite our years together. Probably because some of my formative experiences with my dad left me feeling that people who say they love you will leave/hurt/betray you anyway - or in other words that I will never be enough to hold on to someone's love/support/presence in my life. That is one of my primary experiences with men.
Right before we left, she gave us a Mad Lib which we're to use to communicate our feelings: When you (action) I feel (emotion: sad, glad, mad, afraid, ashamed) and what I make up about that is (catastrophe.)
So that whole session was an amazing opening for both of us.
We went to grab a bite to eat together, and had great conversation about the things we'd learned.
Last night, we were watching TV together with my mom. The actress Lisa Rinna appeared in a bikini, and my husband said something along the lines of "Look at Lisa Rinna's ass. She's 46 years old and she looks like that. Isn't that unbelieveable." My heart began to pound. I didn't know what to say, so I just said "I don't know." What I did know is that at 43, I don't look like that, and never have. And that all the 20-30 women he's had sex or sexual activity with over the past 5 or more years have all probably looked something like that. I couldn't speak, and was feeling sick. I had to get out of there so I got up as unobtrusively as I could (although I think I jumped up) and went to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Husband followed, and asked if everything was okay. He said that he realized he might have hurt my feelings, and was very sorry. We ended up talking about it in bed. I was pissed off at his callousness, and scared at being compared to these women because I don't reach that level of physical perfection. As we talked, I realized that he'd said "Look at Lisa Rinna's abs" and not "ass." That helped me feel calmer, although it was still painful to be reminded about how my body is not like that and how all the prostitutes probably did look like that. With Husband's encouragement, I tried to use the Mad Lib our therapist gave us: When you admire other women's bodies, I feel scared, angry, and ashamed. What I make up about that is that I'll never be able to compete with the physical perfection of the other women you've been with (and sought out after being with me,) that you don't understand the depth of pain I feel if you can talk like that to/in front of me. And that I'm not good enough.
Husband was deeply sorry that he'd hurt me, and said he didn't mean anything sexual by his comment. I think he said something about thinking about how in shape she is compared to how in/out of shape he himself is. Anyway, the jist of the conversation was that he apologized, and expressed how much he loves and appreciates me, and how attractive he finds me, and how sorry he was to have said something that hurt me. We ended up making love, and even had some comic relief at the end. It was another amazing experience - one of being able to be vulnerable and not reactive with each other. Of listening and sharing feelings. We are making progress in using the new tools we're learning. It's still very scary, because I'm so afraid of the part of him that keeps his real feelings secret. But trust will build over time - for both of us.
The other thing was that she helped me realize the role I play in my husband's life. He has the primary place of importance in my life. He is the focus of my attention, along with my son. I am the focus of his attention in the same way. I am or have been also the centeral focus of the attentions of many other significant people in my life. As an only child with loving parents, I am/was the focus for my mom and dad. And I was an only grandchild to my mother's parents for 8 years, and on my father's side until I was in highschool. Not to mention I have two close friends who are basically my sisters, and several other close friends with whom I share intimate emotional relationships. My husband does not have this experience. Truth aside, his experience is that I am the only person in his life for whom he is the main focus of love, attention, need, etc. Which makes some of the things I do or say to him much more significant than either of us realized.
As we talked about this, it helped both of us understand some of the dynamics between us - why I may not listen to/hear something that's important to him, why he might react very strongly to something that I didn't anticipate as being so significant (and then not tell me about it, because his experience has also been that nobody will be there to help him with his feelings and he'll have to handle that alone.) I also began to accept in some deeper, more fundamental way how much my husband really does love me. My own issues have kept me from accepting that fully, despite our years together. Probably because some of my formative experiences with my dad left me feeling that people who say they love you will leave/hurt/betray you anyway - or in other words that I will never be enough to hold on to someone's love/support/presence in my life. That is one of my primary experiences with men.
Right before we left, she gave us a Mad Lib which we're to use to communicate our feelings: When you (action) I feel (emotion: sad, glad, mad, afraid, ashamed) and what I make up about that is (catastrophe.)
So that whole session was an amazing opening for both of us.
We went to grab a bite to eat together, and had great conversation about the things we'd learned.
Last night, we were watching TV together with my mom. The actress Lisa Rinna appeared in a bikini, and my husband said something along the lines of "Look at Lisa Rinna's ass. She's 46 years old and she looks like that. Isn't that unbelieveable." My heart began to pound. I didn't know what to say, so I just said "I don't know." What I did know is that at 43, I don't look like that, and never have. And that all the 20-30 women he's had sex or sexual activity with over the past 5 or more years have all probably looked something like that. I couldn't speak, and was feeling sick. I had to get out of there so I got up as unobtrusively as I could (although I think I jumped up) and went to brush my teeth and get ready for bed. Husband followed, and asked if everything was okay. He said that he realized he might have hurt my feelings, and was very sorry. We ended up talking about it in bed. I was pissed off at his callousness, and scared at being compared to these women because I don't reach that level of physical perfection. As we talked, I realized that he'd said "Look at Lisa Rinna's abs" and not "ass." That helped me feel calmer, although it was still painful to be reminded about how my body is not like that and how all the prostitutes probably did look like that. With Husband's encouragement, I tried to use the Mad Lib our therapist gave us: When you admire other women's bodies, I feel scared, angry, and ashamed. What I make up about that is that I'll never be able to compete with the physical perfection of the other women you've been with (and sought out after being with me,) that you don't understand the depth of pain I feel if you can talk like that to/in front of me. And that I'm not good enough.
Husband was deeply sorry that he'd hurt me, and said he didn't mean anything sexual by his comment. I think he said something about thinking about how in shape she is compared to how in/out of shape he himself is. Anyway, the jist of the conversation was that he apologized, and expressed how much he loves and appreciates me, and how attractive he finds me, and how sorry he was to have said something that hurt me. We ended up making love, and even had some comic relief at the end. It was another amazing experience - one of being able to be vulnerable and not reactive with each other. Of listening and sharing feelings. We are making progress in using the new tools we're learning. It's still very scary, because I'm so afraid of the part of him that keeps his real feelings secret. But trust will build over time - for both of us.
Friday, July 6, 2007
To my husband
Today, 11:15am
I realized today that I have some expectations that I wanted to let you know about, and we can discuss them.
My heart is broken and I hold you responsible. You are the person who wounded me. Just as if you had stuck a sword in me. Not a day goes by without my heart aching. Some days it's momentary, some days it lasts from waking to sleeping. My wounded heart feels loved - by my close friends, my son, and I hear you offering that love as well. But it is still broken. A loved and broken heart, like a loved and wounded soldier on a battle field. I am loved, but I am far from healed.
My trust and faith in what you say are gone. I believe in you as a person, but your word does not comfort me. If anything it scares me, because of the power it had and the result of that. I want to believe everything you say, but my body resists that. The physical certainty, the knowledge in my body that I can trust you that gradually developed over the past 19 years is no longer there. It's like an old tree that has been cut down. I think the roots are still there, and it won't take 19 years to create that relationship again, but the thick trunk and boughs, with the things we carved into the bark over the years that became a part of the plant, and the full canopy of big beautiful leaves are all gone. I want to grow this tree back, but I think this will take time, time, time.
All of this leads me to the expectations I referred to above.
I've realized that one of the things I miss now is the feeling that I'm special. This began before June 1st, and I talked with you about it before. Mostly I was left feeling that it was imagined and that maybe I was too needy. But now I understand were my feelings were coming from, and because of what I now know, this loss of specialness has been reinforced. The special physical intimacy I shared only with you, the special level of trust and lack of need for boundries I shared only with you, the feeling that you had a special love, regard and respect for me - all of that has been damaged. I don't feel special. While you didn't mean to do this, I am left feeling, as I described last night, like part of a menu of women at times, or at other times disparing that the years of love and trust and everything we've shared has resulted in almost the deepest possible betrayal I can imagine.
I think it falls to you to create this for me again if that is to be present in our relationship. I am not going to make requests, or tell you how or what to do. In my mind it falls to you to figure all of that out. And I need to be reminded every day, forever, how special I am to you if that is the case. It may be as simple as a gesture, a touch. But that feeling is something I want to give and to get out of my relationship with my partner. I may forget that I want this, and I expect you to help me remember in the way you treat me, in the things you do for me, in the choices you make, on a daily basis. It is my expectation that if you are truly interested in creating a deep, lifelong relationship with me based on love, respect, honesty, partnership and trust, that you will do this.
I also think it falls to you to help me feel secure again about your love for me. You are doing this, and I want you to know that it makes a huge difference for me. And it's my expectation that you'll continue to look for ways to show me how much you love me for the rest of our time together. Even when I'm scared and can't easily show you that I believe you, or give you the response that you might reasonably expect from your words and gestures. Intellectually I don't doubt that your love for me was ever in question, but I have a great fear that it is, and that eventually my fear of being not enough will be realized. Your actions, while not intended to convey that, have reinforced my fear that what I have to offer is not enough (not kind enough, understanding enough, thin enough, pretty enough, selfless enough.) I know that's not rational, but I'm going to allow myself that inconsistency for now. And a part of me understands, as I told you, that there are important things I'll never be able to provide you - the things that you must provide for yourself. And that is okay. But the "irrational" part of me is still scared of having my suspected deficency confirmed and used as a reason to leave me. I'm afraid that I can't make you happy and that you'll leave - either physically or emotionally. Because you left me emotionally when you made the choices you did. I don't think you meant to - I don't think you had any choice.
So those are my expectations. I put them out for discussion. They are what is there for me now, but I'm also open to creating expectations together. And I want to know your expectations. You have a right to expectations as well, and I want to know what they are so I can see if they work for me. I imagine they will. I want so much to be in a happy loving relationship with you where I provide you with a big open space to be fully the magnificent, flawed, vulnerable person I know you are, where you feel unconditionally loved and supported by someone who loves and respects herself, a relationship that is source for you as our relationship has always been for me.
No matter what, I love you.
Today, 11:40am
One very important thing I forgot to say explicitly: I am responsible too. Responsible for myself, and responsible for being someone who can earn your trust and love. That is as important to me as everything else.
From Husband, today, 11:45am
Dearest,
I am touched by your honesty and vulnerability and I want to thank you for telling me about these expectations. I actually have heard you say that you want me find ways to communicate how precious and special you are to me and that has been on my mind because I want to do that and I will.
I have more to say on this but I have to go to a meeting. I didn’t want to not respond though.
I love you
I realized today that I have some expectations that I wanted to let you know about, and we can discuss them.
My heart is broken and I hold you responsible. You are the person who wounded me. Just as if you had stuck a sword in me. Not a day goes by without my heart aching. Some days it's momentary, some days it lasts from waking to sleeping. My wounded heart feels loved - by my close friends, my son, and I hear you offering that love as well. But it is still broken. A loved and broken heart, like a loved and wounded soldier on a battle field. I am loved, but I am far from healed.
My trust and faith in what you say are gone. I believe in you as a person, but your word does not comfort me. If anything it scares me, because of the power it had and the result of that. I want to believe everything you say, but my body resists that. The physical certainty, the knowledge in my body that I can trust you that gradually developed over the past 19 years is no longer there. It's like an old tree that has been cut down. I think the roots are still there, and it won't take 19 years to create that relationship again, but the thick trunk and boughs, with the things we carved into the bark over the years that became a part of the plant, and the full canopy of big beautiful leaves are all gone. I want to grow this tree back, but I think this will take time, time, time.
All of this leads me to the expectations I referred to above.
I've realized that one of the things I miss now is the feeling that I'm special. This began before June 1st, and I talked with you about it before. Mostly I was left feeling that it was imagined and that maybe I was too needy. But now I understand were my feelings were coming from, and because of what I now know, this loss of specialness has been reinforced. The special physical intimacy I shared only with you, the special level of trust and lack of need for boundries I shared only with you, the feeling that you had a special love, regard and respect for me - all of that has been damaged. I don't feel special. While you didn't mean to do this, I am left feeling, as I described last night, like part of a menu of women at times, or at other times disparing that the years of love and trust and everything we've shared has resulted in almost the deepest possible betrayal I can imagine.
I think it falls to you to create this for me again if that is to be present in our relationship. I am not going to make requests, or tell you how or what to do. In my mind it falls to you to figure all of that out. And I need to be reminded every day, forever, how special I am to you if that is the case. It may be as simple as a gesture, a touch. But that feeling is something I want to give and to get out of my relationship with my partner. I may forget that I want this, and I expect you to help me remember in the way you treat me, in the things you do for me, in the choices you make, on a daily basis. It is my expectation that if you are truly interested in creating a deep, lifelong relationship with me based on love, respect, honesty, partnership and trust, that you will do this.
I also think it falls to you to help me feel secure again about your love for me. You are doing this, and I want you to know that it makes a huge difference for me. And it's my expectation that you'll continue to look for ways to show me how much you love me for the rest of our time together. Even when I'm scared and can't easily show you that I believe you, or give you the response that you might reasonably expect from your words and gestures. Intellectually I don't doubt that your love for me was ever in question, but I have a great fear that it is, and that eventually my fear of being not enough will be realized. Your actions, while not intended to convey that, have reinforced my fear that what I have to offer is not enough (not kind enough, understanding enough, thin enough, pretty enough, selfless enough.) I know that's not rational, but I'm going to allow myself that inconsistency for now. And a part of me understands, as I told you, that there are important things I'll never be able to provide you - the things that you must provide for yourself. And that is okay. But the "irrational" part of me is still scared of having my suspected deficency confirmed and used as a reason to leave me. I'm afraid that I can't make you happy and that you'll leave - either physically or emotionally. Because you left me emotionally when you made the choices you did. I don't think you meant to - I don't think you had any choice.
So those are my expectations. I put them out for discussion. They are what is there for me now, but I'm also open to creating expectations together. And I want to know your expectations. You have a right to expectations as well, and I want to know what they are so I can see if they work for me. I imagine they will. I want so much to be in a happy loving relationship with you where I provide you with a big open space to be fully the magnificent, flawed, vulnerable person I know you are, where you feel unconditionally loved and supported by someone who loves and respects herself, a relationship that is source for you as our relationship has always been for me.
No matter what, I love you.
Today, 11:40am
One very important thing I forgot to say explicitly: I am responsible too. Responsible for myself, and responsible for being someone who can earn your trust and love. That is as important to me as everything else.
From Husband, today, 11:45am
Dearest,
I am touched by your honesty and vulnerability and I want to thank you for telling me about these expectations. I actually have heard you say that you want me find ways to communicate how precious and special you are to me and that has been on my mind because I want to do that and I will.
I have more to say on this but I have to go to a meeting. I didn’t want to not respond though.
I love you
Post traumatic stress disorder
From the American Academy of Family Physicians:
What is post-traumatic stress disorder?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety problem. It can develop after your safety or life is threatened, or after you experience or see a traumatic event. Some examples of traumatic events are a natural disaster, rape, severe car crash or fighting in a war. Usually, the event makes you feel very afraid or helpless. People with PTSD have trouble coping with and getting over traumatic events and often feel the effects for months afterward.
Who develops PTSD?
Whether you'll develop PTSD may depend partly on how severe and intense the trauma was and how long it lasted. People who have anxiety, depression or other mental disorders are more likely to develop PTSD. People who have been victims of previous trauma are also at greater risk.
Who is at risk for developing PTSD?
The following people may be at risk for PTSD:
Anyone who has been victimized
Anyone who has seen a violent act
Survivors of rape, domestic violence, physical assault such as a mugging or any other random act of violence
Survivors of unexpected events such as car wrecks, fires or terrorist attacks
Survivors of natural disasters such as hurricanes or earthquakes
Anyone who was sexually or physically abused
Soldiers, veterans or victims of war or combat
Anyone who has responded to traumatic events such as firefighters, police or rescue workers
Anyone diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or those who have had surgery
Anyone who has experienced grief such as the unexpected loss of a loved one
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
You can have symptoms right after the trauma or they can develop months, or even years, later. Your symptoms may include:
Having flashbacks, nightmares, bad memories or hallucinations
Trying not to think about the trauma or staying away from people who remind you of it
Not being able to recall parts of the event
Feeling emotionally numb or detached from others
Having trouble sleeping
Being irritable, angry or jumpy
People with PTSD are often depressed. Sometimes they try to feel better by using alcohol or drugs. This can lead to substance abuse and addiction.
From the National Institute of Mental Health website:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.
Among those who may experience PTSD are military troops who served in the Vietnam and Gulf Wars; rescue workers involved in the aftermath of disasters like the terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C.; survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing; survivors of accidents, rape, physical and sexual abuse, and other crimes; immigrants fleeing violence in their countries; survivors of the 1994 California earthquake, the 1997 North and South Dakota floods, and hurricanes Hugo and Andrew; and people who witness traumatic events. Family members of victims also can develop the disorder. PTSD can occur in people of any age, including children and adolescents.
Many people with PTSD repeatedly re-experience the ordeal in the form of flashback episodes, memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts, especially when they are exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma. Anniversaries of the event can also trigger symptoms. People with PTSD also experience emotional numbness and sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, and irritability or outbursts of anger. Feelings of intense guilt are also common. Most people with PTSD try to avoid any reminders or thoughts of the ordeal. PTSD is diagnosed when symptoms last more than 1 month.
Physical symptoms such as headaches, gastrointestinal distress, immune system problems, dizziness, chest pain, or discomfort in other parts of the body are common in people with PTSD. Often, doctors treat these symptoms without being aware that they stem from an anxiety disorder.
Facts About PTSD
An estimated 5.2 million American adults ages 18 to 54, or approximately 3.6 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have PTSD.1
About 30 percent of Vietnam veterans developed PTSD at some point after the war.2 The disorder also has been detected among veterans of the Persian Gulf War, with some estimates running as high as 8 percent.3
More than twice as many women as men experience PTSD following exposure to trauma.4
Depression, alcohol or other substance abuse, or other anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with PTSD.5 The likelihood of treatment success is increased when these other conditions are appropriately diagnosed and treated as well.
What is post-traumatic stress disorder?
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a type of anxiety problem. It can develop after your safety or life is threatened, or after you experience or see a traumatic event. Some examples of traumatic events are a natural disaster, rape, severe car crash or fighting in a war. Usually, the event makes you feel very afraid or helpless. People with PTSD have trouble coping with and getting over traumatic events and often feel the effects for months afterward.
Who develops PTSD?
Whether you'll develop PTSD may depend partly on how severe and intense the trauma was and how long it lasted. People who have anxiety, depression or other mental disorders are more likely to develop PTSD. People who have been victims of previous trauma are also at greater risk.
Who is at risk for developing PTSD?
The following people may be at risk for PTSD:
Anyone who has been victimized
Anyone who has seen a violent act
Survivors of rape, domestic violence, physical assault such as a mugging or any other random act of violence
Survivors of unexpected events such as car wrecks, fires or terrorist attacks
Survivors of natural disasters such as hurricanes or earthquakes
Anyone who was sexually or physically abused
Soldiers, veterans or victims of war or combat
Anyone who has responded to traumatic events such as firefighters, police or rescue workers
Anyone diagnosed with a life-threatening illness or those who have had surgery
Anyone who has experienced grief such as the unexpected loss of a loved one
What are the symptoms of PTSD?
You can have symptoms right after the trauma or they can develop months, or even years, later. Your symptoms may include:
Having flashbacks, nightmares, bad memories or hallucinations
Trying not to think about the trauma or staying away from people who remind you of it
Not being able to recall parts of the event
Feeling emotionally numb or detached from others
Having trouble sleeping
Being irritable, angry or jumpy
People with PTSD are often depressed. Sometimes they try to feel better by using alcohol or drugs. This can lead to substance abuse and addiction.
From the National Institute of Mental Health website:
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is an anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to a terrifying event or ordeal in which grave physical harm occurred or was threatened. Traumatic events that may trigger PTSD include violent personal assaults, natural or human-caused disasters, accidents, or military combat.
Among those who may experience PTSD are military troops who served in the Vietnam and Gulf Wars; rescue workers involved in the aftermath of disasters like the terrorist attacks on New York City and Washington, D.C.; survivors of the Oklahoma City bombing; survivors of accidents, rape, physical and sexual abuse, and other crimes; immigrants fleeing violence in their countries; survivors of the 1994 California earthquake, the 1997 North and South Dakota floods, and hurricanes Hugo and Andrew; and people who witness traumatic events. Family members of victims also can develop the disorder. PTSD can occur in people of any age, including children and adolescents.
Many people with PTSD repeatedly re-experience the ordeal in the form of flashback episodes, memories, nightmares, or frightening thoughts, especially when they are exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma. Anniversaries of the event can also trigger symptoms. People with PTSD also experience emotional numbness and sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, and irritability or outbursts of anger. Feelings of intense guilt are also common. Most people with PTSD try to avoid any reminders or thoughts of the ordeal. PTSD is diagnosed when symptoms last more than 1 month.
Physical symptoms such as headaches, gastrointestinal distress, immune system problems, dizziness, chest pain, or discomfort in other parts of the body are common in people with PTSD. Often, doctors treat these symptoms without being aware that they stem from an anxiety disorder.
Facts About PTSD
An estimated 5.2 million American adults ages 18 to 54, or approximately 3.6 percent of people in this age group in a given year, have PTSD.1
About 30 percent of Vietnam veterans developed PTSD at some point after the war.2 The disorder also has been detected among veterans of the Persian Gulf War, with some estimates running as high as 8 percent.3
More than twice as many women as men experience PTSD following exposure to trauma.4
Depression, alcohol or other substance abuse, or other anxiety disorders frequently co-occur with PTSD.5 The likelihood of treatment success is increased when these other conditions are appropriately diagnosed and treated as well.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Thought I was done with these kinds of days
I continue to feel heavy-hearted, empty, sick to my stomach and unable to focus. Things have been going so well I thought I was done with these kinds of days. I immediately think I don't have a right to feel this way anymore - like it's self-indulgent. But then I remember something I read The Dance of Anger: "We have the right to everything we think and feel - and so does everyone else." I don't have the right to make others responsible, but I have a right to my feelings.
So today I'm feeling down. And I'm going to try not to resist my desire to justify it.
So today I'm feeling down. And I'm going to try not to resist my desire to justify it.
Undefinable emptiness
Had a very nice 4th of July holiday. A girlfriend took me to the spa for my birthday. We spent hours there getting scrubbed and rubbed, and sitting in various hot and cold pools and rooms. By the end of it all I was nice and relaxed and looking forward to the small group of friends coming over to hang out in our back yard. No anxiety this time.
At the spa though, I began to notice what felt like melancholy at first. The feeling grew and persisted throughout the day and the evening. By the end of the party, around 10pm, I was feeling sad and emotionally detached. I was thinking about 2003, and trying to figure out what was so bad about that year that husband decided to cross those lines that had been so solid and sure. And was thinking about how he's touched so many physically perfect women, and that he must notice the difference between their slim, hard bodies and my rounder, softer body. I felt sadness wondering if he wished for those other bodies and what they could provide that I have never been able to. I've always been in various stages of overweight. I remember once when I was pretty slim, he commented that I felt like someone else and I wonder if he was thinking about the other women, and if I felt more like them at the time. That was around 2003 I think - about the time he started having sex with others.
Today I feel the same as I did yesterday, except I think now that it's not sadness or melancholy, but more of an emptiness. I don't feel like crying. I just feel a void. I feel that, with the loss of my belief in my relationship with Husband, my relationship to the whole world has changed. Everything is just about the same in many ways, but everything is different. I experience things differently. I...I don't know. Freedom and joy are a smaller part of the context of my life. I don't know what has gotten a larger share, but it's something heavier.
I believe that I can create my own context. So along with learning to trust myself, recreating a context of joy and freedom to be are a part of this journey. And maybe also creating some separateness between me and Husband. I have a sense that I don't know myself as a valuable person in a context that doesn't include him. I don't have the same sense of value and place. And I don't think that should be missing. I don't think I should derive value and sense of place from a relationsihp with another person, but should create that myself in the way I live my life, and then add the other person to that experience. It's been so long, and I have other separation issues with my mom, so it's no wonder that there's some loss of a clear identity in this relationship with Husband. So I think that's another part of this journey - to restore my wholeness and independence separate from him. I still keep thinking that part of that is to have experiences with other men. But maybe that's still me trying to hurt Husband. On that, I'm still not clear and will need to do much more thinking and talking with trusted people before I take that action. But there are other actions to take.
For now, I look forward to the end of this empty spell. It doesn't feel good.
At the spa though, I began to notice what felt like melancholy at first. The feeling grew and persisted throughout the day and the evening. By the end of the party, around 10pm, I was feeling sad and emotionally detached. I was thinking about 2003, and trying to figure out what was so bad about that year that husband decided to cross those lines that had been so solid and sure. And was thinking about how he's touched so many physically perfect women, and that he must notice the difference between their slim, hard bodies and my rounder, softer body. I felt sadness wondering if he wished for those other bodies and what they could provide that I have never been able to. I've always been in various stages of overweight. I remember once when I was pretty slim, he commented that I felt like someone else and I wonder if he was thinking about the other women, and if I felt more like them at the time. That was around 2003 I think - about the time he started having sex with others.
Today I feel the same as I did yesterday, except I think now that it's not sadness or melancholy, but more of an emptiness. I don't feel like crying. I just feel a void. I feel that, with the loss of my belief in my relationship with Husband, my relationship to the whole world has changed. Everything is just about the same in many ways, but everything is different. I experience things differently. I...I don't know. Freedom and joy are a smaller part of the context of my life. I don't know what has gotten a larger share, but it's something heavier.
I believe that I can create my own context. So along with learning to trust myself, recreating a context of joy and freedom to be are a part of this journey. And maybe also creating some separateness between me and Husband. I have a sense that I don't know myself as a valuable person in a context that doesn't include him. I don't have the same sense of value and place. And I don't think that should be missing. I don't think I should derive value and sense of place from a relationsihp with another person, but should create that myself in the way I live my life, and then add the other person to that experience. It's been so long, and I have other separation issues with my mom, so it's no wonder that there's some loss of a clear identity in this relationship with Husband. So I think that's another part of this journey - to restore my wholeness and independence separate from him. I still keep thinking that part of that is to have experiences with other men. But maybe that's still me trying to hurt Husband. On that, I'm still not clear and will need to do much more thinking and talking with trusted people before I take that action. But there are other actions to take.
For now, I look forward to the end of this empty spell. It doesn't feel good.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Betrayal, monogamy, trust
After therapy, I picked up my son at preschool and we went to the mall to have diner and meet Husband for a movie. I was looking forward to the three of us hanging out together. Husband and I have always loved going to the movies together (one of the things he started doing as part of "acting out" was sneaking off to movies during the day without telling me, which made me sad when I realized it because it used to be something we always did together.) Sitting in the theater with my son and husband watching Ratatouille I began to wonder how many times we'd snuggled together as a family like this after his penis had been inside some other woman that day, how many times he'd held my hand the way he was doing after his hands had been all over some other woman's body, how many times he'd kissed me after his mouth had been kissed someone else. Sadness enveloped me as I sat there in the dark theater. These are the kinds of moments that come out of nowhere in my experience.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm so bothered by the sex with other women part, because it's not a question of morality for me. I understand being attracted to other people. And I can see how, for some people, an open relationship works. In my mind, monogamy has only the meaning we give it. And therein, I realized, is the issue for me. We'd decided to be monogamous not because it was morally the right thing to do, but as a gesture. A gesture acknowledging a special love, special relationship, special level of intimacy that we didn't share with anyone else. So the sadness I feel around the dozens of other sex partners is because of that gesture, the loss of that special intimacy that we only shared with each other.
I asked him how he'd be left feeling thinking of 20 or more men sliding inside me and making me gasp, running their hands over my body making my skin tingle, their mouths on my breasts, making me shudder and sigh, and my hands running over their flat stomachs, their taught and muscled arms and backs, lying in their arms afterward. He looked sadder and sadder as I spoke. He could only say "I'm sorry." And he did. Sometimes I can't get these thougths out of my mind.
Had therapy today. Working on learning how I deal with anger. Why husband experiences me as pissed off, frustrated, distracted and critical. Why I am oblivious to/unable to acknowledge those aspects of myself. Whether or not I really know how to be angry or express anger. I do express anger, but more often than not, and definitely a lot in this case, I go right to rationality and understanding. Not surprising since this was my model when I was growing up.
My first major betrayal was my father. When I was 12 he and my uncle left on a camping trip and my uncle came back alone with a message from dad saying he was ill and had gone out of the country to seek treatment. I was scared and sad. My mother called all his doctors, called his doctors from the east coast, did god knows what other research, and finally decided he was lying. I was so angry with her for doubting him. But it turned out that he'd gone to San Francisco to live in a commune with childhood friends and find himself. He came back after 5 months, when my mom threatened to take me back east. When he returned I was furious with him. Angry! And I made the decision that I'd never let anyone have the power to betray me like that again. My mother, on the other hand, was understanding. She'd tell me that he was only human, that he'd had a nervous breakdown, that he was just not strong enough to do anything other than what he'd done. My dad spent the next several years in a dark basement room stoned in front of a small black and white TV. I never saw her erupt at him, or even express anger over what happened. She may have, but I never saw it. I always thought her way of dealing with it was what gave me the chance to have a relationship with dad. He and I are on good terms now, and I know he loves me. I don't think I ever doubted that. But I realize that I never got the chance to talk about being angry. My anger was always met with explanations and the message that this betrayal required understanding and acceptance of another's human faults and frailties. It was unspoken, but there was little room for my anger. Mom wanted to fix things for me by keeping my anger at bay. She didn't want to see me in pain.
I visited a psychic Sunday. I've decided I'm open to insight from any dimension or plane of existence. Sara suggested I take part of the $2000 I was going to spend on myself as part of the healing process and visit Laura. I was very scared when I went to Laura's house. I planned to tell her that I didn't want to know how this was all going to turn out, or what I should do, just what lesson I was supposed to be learning from all this. I didn't want anybody telling me anything that would defeat the possibility of creating a new relationship with Husband when we were just beginning that process.
But I didn't really have time. She asked why I'd come, and I told her a bit and she started in. She said that when she was prepping for our session, they ("the royal They" she said) told her to read me this passage she'd received in November. She took out a book that appeared to be full of her handwritten notes, and began to read to me about grace. It took me by surprise, as my friend Sara had said several times that I've been handling this with such grace. The passage talked about how I have sadness about things that I carry with me, but that I've developed grace over the years from experience. And that I should not listen to others, let their thoughts and opinions sway me. That I should not be concerned with the material. That I should focus on the spirit. And, basically, that I should trust myself.
We talked about the betrayal experience with my father, and she said I should discuss all this with him. (Not sure I can do that.) She also said that her "psychic hit" about my situation was that we'd get thorugh this. Not without pain, but that by September my life would look completely different.
So without asking, I got what I came for. This is a lesson in trusting myself. Trusting my feelings, my reactions, my own process as it comes to me. And having the grace to love and have compassion for another human being.
Something I realized on the treadmill last night: I fix things because I'm afraid if someone is unhappy, not just with me but unhappy in life, they won't love/be satisfied with me. I fix instead of listening and supporting.
I've been trying to figure out why I'm so bothered by the sex with other women part, because it's not a question of morality for me. I understand being attracted to other people. And I can see how, for some people, an open relationship works. In my mind, monogamy has only the meaning we give it. And therein, I realized, is the issue for me. We'd decided to be monogamous not because it was morally the right thing to do, but as a gesture. A gesture acknowledging a special love, special relationship, special level of intimacy that we didn't share with anyone else. So the sadness I feel around the dozens of other sex partners is because of that gesture, the loss of that special intimacy that we only shared with each other.
I asked him how he'd be left feeling thinking of 20 or more men sliding inside me and making me gasp, running their hands over my body making my skin tingle, their mouths on my breasts, making me shudder and sigh, and my hands running over their flat stomachs, their taught and muscled arms and backs, lying in their arms afterward. He looked sadder and sadder as I spoke. He could only say "I'm sorry." And he did. Sometimes I can't get these thougths out of my mind.
Had therapy today. Working on learning how I deal with anger. Why husband experiences me as pissed off, frustrated, distracted and critical. Why I am oblivious to/unable to acknowledge those aspects of myself. Whether or not I really know how to be angry or express anger. I do express anger, but more often than not, and definitely a lot in this case, I go right to rationality and understanding. Not surprising since this was my model when I was growing up.
My first major betrayal was my father. When I was 12 he and my uncle left on a camping trip and my uncle came back alone with a message from dad saying he was ill and had gone out of the country to seek treatment. I was scared and sad. My mother called all his doctors, called his doctors from the east coast, did god knows what other research, and finally decided he was lying. I was so angry with her for doubting him. But it turned out that he'd gone to San Francisco to live in a commune with childhood friends and find himself. He came back after 5 months, when my mom threatened to take me back east. When he returned I was furious with him. Angry! And I made the decision that I'd never let anyone have the power to betray me like that again. My mother, on the other hand, was understanding. She'd tell me that he was only human, that he'd had a nervous breakdown, that he was just not strong enough to do anything other than what he'd done. My dad spent the next several years in a dark basement room stoned in front of a small black and white TV. I never saw her erupt at him, or even express anger over what happened. She may have, but I never saw it. I always thought her way of dealing with it was what gave me the chance to have a relationship with dad. He and I are on good terms now, and I know he loves me. I don't think I ever doubted that. But I realize that I never got the chance to talk about being angry. My anger was always met with explanations and the message that this betrayal required understanding and acceptance of another's human faults and frailties. It was unspoken, but there was little room for my anger. Mom wanted to fix things for me by keeping my anger at bay. She didn't want to see me in pain.
I visited a psychic Sunday. I've decided I'm open to insight from any dimension or plane of existence. Sara suggested I take part of the $2000 I was going to spend on myself as part of the healing process and visit Laura. I was very scared when I went to Laura's house. I planned to tell her that I didn't want to know how this was all going to turn out, or what I should do, just what lesson I was supposed to be learning from all this. I didn't want anybody telling me anything that would defeat the possibility of creating a new relationship with Husband when we were just beginning that process.
But I didn't really have time. She asked why I'd come, and I told her a bit and she started in. She said that when she was prepping for our session, they ("the royal They" she said) told her to read me this passage she'd received in November. She took out a book that appeared to be full of her handwritten notes, and began to read to me about grace. It took me by surprise, as my friend Sara had said several times that I've been handling this with such grace. The passage talked about how I have sadness about things that I carry with me, but that I've developed grace over the years from experience. And that I should not listen to others, let their thoughts and opinions sway me. That I should not be concerned with the material. That I should focus on the spirit. And, basically, that I should trust myself.
We talked about the betrayal experience with my father, and she said I should discuss all this with him. (Not sure I can do that.) She also said that her "psychic hit" about my situation was that we'd get thorugh this. Not without pain, but that by September my life would look completely different.
So without asking, I got what I came for. This is a lesson in trusting myself. Trusting my feelings, my reactions, my own process as it comes to me. And having the grace to love and have compassion for another human being.
Something I realized on the treadmill last night: I fix things because I'm afraid if someone is unhappy, not just with me but unhappy in life, they won't love/be satisfied with me. I fix instead of listening and supporting.
Monday, July 2, 2007
A month out
Well the weekend was another up and down ride. As the party hour approached I began to feel a lot of anxiety about being in a large group of friends and having to hide something. And I was also sad about the fact that this was not how I expected my life to be on my 43rd birthday. Of all the things that could possibly ever happen, husband's infidelity was last on that list in my mind. I was feeling sick to my stomach and agitated. I realized my friend Sara, my one girlfriend in Los Angeles who knows about everything, would be at the party so I called her. We talked about my anxiety, and decided that the best short term solution would be the frozen margarita machine we had rented for the party. Plus she was bringing me a bottle of scotch. Not the healthiest way to handle emotions and fear, but with the party just a couple hours away it seemed like the most effective way. And Sara assured me that she'd be there to support me if I needed to take her off into a corner and get some help calming down.
So I got home with my son and his friend, and they played while the nice margarita man came and set up the machine. With an hour to wait for the drink machine to freeze the concoction, I jumped on the treadmill.
One thing I was reminded of was how much I don't want my mother putting on parties for me. She loves me and really wants to do it in theory, but when it comes down to actually doing it her own issues kick in and she's resentful and angry about having to bear the burden. This has happened several times over the years, but we both always forget and she asks again and I say yes again. She really refrained from asking for my help, which I appreciated given that I was trying to focus on calming my nerves, but she was definitely on edge and the negative energy added to my stress. I wanted the whole thing to be over.
Between the exercise and the taste testing I did before the party, when Sara arrived I was doing okay.
Fortunately, when I'd made the guest list I only invited the people I feel most comfortable around so things were more relaxed than I anticipated. I didn't feel like I was forcing or hiding anything. My anxiety subsided and I enjoyed myself very much. Husband was late because of a crisis at work (related to the issues he's working on in his life right now) but I had lots of warm friends around and I think we all had a nice time.
Saturday was our first couples therapy appointment.
Husband and I attend multiple 12-step groups, each have individual therapists and now have a couples therapist with an office in Beverly hills. It seems ridiculously Hollywood, but there it is.
Husband had his own therapy appointment at 8:30am, so we drove separately. I had been both looking forward to and dreading couples therapy. I know we have so much to talk about, and need a safe place to do it. But I'm afraid of what's going to come at me. I think husband has a lot of unresolved anger toward me, and I'm scared that when it all comes pouring out he'll be present to all those feelings, will see my failings and shortcomings assembled all together, and then no longer want to be with me. How's that for fucked up? My husband has secretly had sex with 20-30 prostitutes over the last 5 years and I'm wondering if he's going to still want me. Hence the batallion of therapists I suppose.
I arrived before husband, and my first thought was "what if he doesn't show up?" I knew intellectually that this would not happen. But intellectually I know so many things that don't stop my fears and emotions from taking over. And also, it's hard to be sure of what I know now, given what I was so sure I knew before June 1st. But I decided to move on to a different thought. As I was walking over to pay the parking attendant, husband called to let me know he was on his way.
So I got home with my son and his friend, and they played while the nice margarita man came and set up the machine. With an hour to wait for the drink machine to freeze the concoction, I jumped on the treadmill.
One thing I was reminded of was how much I don't want my mother putting on parties for me. She loves me and really wants to do it in theory, but when it comes down to actually doing it her own issues kick in and she's resentful and angry about having to bear the burden. This has happened several times over the years, but we both always forget and she asks again and I say yes again. She really refrained from asking for my help, which I appreciated given that I was trying to focus on calming my nerves, but she was definitely on edge and the negative energy added to my stress. I wanted the whole thing to be over.
Between the exercise and the taste testing I did before the party, when Sara arrived I was doing okay.
Fortunately, when I'd made the guest list I only invited the people I feel most comfortable around so things were more relaxed than I anticipated. I didn't feel like I was forcing or hiding anything. My anxiety subsided and I enjoyed myself very much. Husband was late because of a crisis at work (related to the issues he's working on in his life right now) but I had lots of warm friends around and I think we all had a nice time.
Saturday was our first couples therapy appointment.
Husband and I attend multiple 12-step groups, each have individual therapists and now have a couples therapist with an office in Beverly hills. It seems ridiculously Hollywood, but there it is.
Husband had his own therapy appointment at 8:30am, so we drove separately. I had been both looking forward to and dreading couples therapy. I know we have so much to talk about, and need a safe place to do it. But I'm afraid of what's going to come at me. I think husband has a lot of unresolved anger toward me, and I'm scared that when it all comes pouring out he'll be present to all those feelings, will see my failings and shortcomings assembled all together, and then no longer want to be with me. How's that for fucked up? My husband has secretly had sex with 20-30 prostitutes over the last 5 years and I'm wondering if he's going to still want me. Hence the batallion of therapists I suppose.
I arrived before husband, and my first thought was "what if he doesn't show up?" I knew intellectually that this would not happen. But intellectually I know so many things that don't stop my fears and emotions from taking over. And also, it's hard to be sure of what I know now, given what I was so sure I knew before June 1st. But I decided to move on to a different thought. As I was walking over to pay the parking attendant, husband called to let me know he was on his way.
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