Break Out Blogger

A nice thing happened today.

I found out that I've been given a Break Out Blogger Award:



Hopefully that means that more people will be able to find my blog and begin to understand that they are neither crazy nor alone.

Betrayal and infidelity are universal problems, and because of that there are common human stories and experiences that cut across all demographics. I think these commonalities are part of the path of healing...knowing that there are others who have gone through all this pain, anguish, confusion, anger, disillusionment, loneliness, and despair (to name a few) and have survived, and in many cases come out stronger, happier and healthier. These shared feelings, thoughts and experiences are a beacon of light when the storm is bad and you can't see the land. Mamampj has been that for me, and it's good to think that our blogs and others like them will provide that for others.

The duality of love and betrayal in a relationship

Mamma Mary Jones has some amazing thoughts on her blog A Room of Mama's Own about getting some perspective on how a partner can love you deeply and betray you deeply at the same time. Her post gave me an insight into how to love, appreciate and accept Husband as he is, which is my only choice if I want to stay with him. And I know I do, because there is a lot to love about him (and now, a lot to accept.)

Still having thoughts about hurting my husband

Tonight I was on the treadmill reading a book called How My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me. This book has been a challenge, because Anne Brecht takes a much more traditional approach than I ever could (and has much more traditional, religious values than I do.) But inevitably, the universal rises above the individual specifics, and there are elements of her journey that parallel mine and that I relate to.

Her book mentioned that statistic of 60% of men vs. 40% of women having affairs. What is it about men? Why do a large majority of them find it so difficult to be faithful to their partners? Do they lack integrity or character as a sex? Not a question I can answer, but I really wish I had some insight.

Anyway...I began to think about having extramarital sex just to even the score. See, Husband...my promises to you can mean as little to me as your promises to me did to you. I can delude myself just as skillfully. So there. Now pull out your love and understanding.

But my husband has told me (only because I've asked) that he doesn't think he'd be as bothered/hurt by sexual infidelity as I am. Then I thought about how he feels so much more connected to me now, so much more intimate, so much more sure of my love and care for him than he did before. And I think about asking him, "This feeling you have now? Multiply that by 19 years, and then think about how you'd feel if you found out I'd been lying to you about something profound and intimate for about 12 of those years. How do you think that might feel?"

So I recognize that I still have some anger to work out.

Maybe I'll talk about this in therapy. Our couples therapist is pretty brilliant. She'll help us sort that anger out.

I also feel I'm still resisting facing the fact that my marriage was far from great, because I was not present for Husband and of course, he was having sexual experiences with all those prostitutes. I mostly want to blame him for dealing with his problems in this way. But I know no happiness lies down that path. Still...it's something else I should talk about with our therapist's help. I really think someday I can be free of all these angry, nasty thoughts. But if they don't come out, they'll just get pushed down and we've already had enough of what that leads to.

My existential crisis persists

Friday night I made some last minute plans to meet Husband to see a play. The play was at a theater we founded 10 years ago. I was involved near the beginning, but I haven't stayed involved over the years as he has.

As I got ready to leave I started thinking about the possibility that he was having an affair with someone at the theater. There are plenty of young, beautiful, talented women there. Maybe he met someone and has been meeting her at the theater. Maybe that's why he's often having to go to see shows at the last minute (he's on the Board, so he has to see the shows but we never make regular plans to go together)...maybe he didn't sound so excited that I was coming when I called to tell him...maybe if I get there earlier than I said I would I'll be able to tell who he's cheating with and catch him in intimate conversation with her...will it always be like this?...will I always wonder?....not just with Husband, but with any partner I'm in an intimate relationship with?...how can I ever know? I've learned that appearances will deceive. Of all the people I've met in my life, Husband seemed like the last person who would ever lie to me, cheat on me, have sex with other women. Not just by my judgement - I've had friends who know about this situation say the same. My heart was pounding, my lips were getting cold, my breathing was rapid.

When I arrived at the theater at 5 minutes to curtain, Husband was by himself in the little box office selling tickets. No beautiful, talented, young woman exchanging hushed, intimate conversation and sharing looks and laughs as I'd envisioned. I was somewhat relieved, but still shaking inside. Husband could tell immediately that there was something wrong and asked if I was okay. I told him I was having some anxiety, but there was no time to talk at that moment so I waited until intermission to tell him the specifics.

We talked at length during intermission, after the show, later that night by the fire in our back yard, and more at couples therapy yesterday. I feel much better now, because I've made a connection to who he is today instead of who he was before he began to get help and support for his issues.

It was so weird, because I don't often think about him having affairs with people now - or even paid sex with prostitutes. I believe him when he tells me that the only extramarital sex he's had is with prostitutes, and that he's not doing that anymore. I don't know what initiated that anxiety, but I know it's a product of the existential crisis I'm working through based on the new context I have in life.

A couple big fears I identified from the experience: I'm afraid that since there's no way to know for sure that someone won't betray me (for example, having a loving, intimate relationship with someone for two decades is no indication) I'll just get hurt deeply hurt again if I place my trust in someone. Right now I don't feel willing to go through this depth of pain again. I'm also afraid that I'll be so good at protecting myself that I'll end up alone - not physically alone, but alone inside, alone in my deepest, most intimate places. I don't want that kind of life. I've seen too many examples and it's too sad an existence.

Still feeling a lack of power

I realized this morning that despite everything (Husband's best efforts, therapy, reading, etc) I'm still feeling a lack of power in my relationship. I also know it comes from me, not from Husband. From my fears and insecurities. I know it's there because I still have thoughts of having my own infidelities to hurt him ("Honey, I met this hot, sexy guy (and when I say sexy I mean six-pack) at a coffee shop today and we ended up going back to his apartment and having sex. But it meant nothing to me and it had nothing do to with you. And I'm only going to do it 27 more times." Pause. Sweet smile. "How does that feel?!"), and I worry about doing something "wrong" that will bring back his resentments.

We started a dance class last night. Husband is a very good dancer, and we love dancing together. It feels great to be in his arms, and to be having fun with him. I'm glad that in the midst of all the chaos we're able to make this time to do something light and fun - and something that will help further the re-establishment of the bond we had, help us move forward on our path.

Acceptance

I just read an important distinction regarding acceptance.

You can accept where you are in the present moment but that doesn't mean accepting fate or, in other words, a future that you don't want. So, in that context...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (the past); courage to change the things I can (the future) and the wisdom to know the difference.

(For reference, here's the Wikipedia entry for the Serenity Prayer.)

I'm struggling with acceptance right now. I don't like my new past. I want the past I thought I had before, except I want both Husband and I to experience it the way I thought it was, not the way he thought it was (which wasn't so great for him.) And that, of course, is impossible in any case.

Acceptance. I'm going to have to try for one day at a time.

Understanding a source of pain and anxiety

Just realized that a source of anxiety for me is that I'm missing a certainty I used to feel about the future.

Before June 1st, based on the past I had a strong sense of what my future might look like. Now, based on my new past, I no longer have that feeling.

The reality is that I could have no more actual certainty about the future before June 1st than after, but I FELT like I could. The discovery of my husband's extended adultery with prostitutes simply put me face to face with the fact that the future for all of us is unknowable, uncertain and mostly beyond my control. We may have beliefs, ideas, thoughts, feelings, hopes, goals, etc...But there is no way to know for sure. That fact comes into direct conflict with the base survival instinct. So that is the true source of a lot of anxiety for me...being present to the fact that as a human being the next moment will forever be unknown to me and beyond my ability to control.

I have lost a sense of my value to my partner

I realized this morning on the drive to work that part of what I feel sad and disoriented about is that I have lost a sense of how much my husband values me in his life. Not surprising considering that he's lied to me for years and secretly had sex and sexual activity with so many other partners over that time. He tells me all the time how much I mean to him, how I've saved his life, and how much he loves me. And I believe him. But words are words - I've heard all those words before June 1st. I don't doubt that he meant what he said, but one does not get a sense of another's appreciation by being betrayed. I need and appreciate his words to that effect, but I need more than that. I need actions. I need him to work hard to restore the context I had, not like a thought or a feeling, but the context in which I lived my life, part of which was that he valued me so much that he chose to be with me over all others, chose to be sexually intimate with me over all others, and (I thought) chose to be deeply open and honest with me allowing for a level of trust I shared with no one else. These things gave me a sense of how much my husband valued me, and developed over years, decades even. Then they were suddenly jerked away from me when I found out about the years of prostitutes. So it will take words and actions beyond the everyday, and time - like restoring ancient forests after strip mining or delicate coral beds after they are struck by passing ships.

Still have lots of feelings to deal with

Had an SAnon meeting tonight, and then a visit with Sophia. I could write a lot, but must go to bed. However I want to document that alcohol frees me to be present to pain, grief and anger that I still carry with me.

I started asking Husband questions I should never have asked tonight, and got answers that hurt me. Do you still think of sex with other women? Mmmmm...not a lot. Before I found out, did you think about it a lot? I guess so. Then he had to get off the phone. Called me later to say he thought about it and realized that while he might have thought about sex with other women 2 or 3 month ago, he doesn't anymore. His thinking is changing.

That's great, but I'm still angry about the fact that I did what we fucking said we'd do in our relationship (be honest and communicate, not to mention be monogamous) and he didn't, and that lead to my life being turned upside down and my guts and heart being torn apart. And I'm still grieving the part of me that was so idealisitic that died with that discovery. And I'm still hurt by his lies and by the fact that he's had sex with so many other women while I thought we were choosing to give up all those other options when we commited to being together. There's a lot inside that I'm not skilled at getting out. But when I drink and talk openly with Sophia, it's there.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...for example that in the past 3 1/2 years my husband has had sex with at least 28 other women.

10 Ways to Build Healthy Relationships

This is a post from the blog Pick the Brain.

Trying out my new method

Not a day goes by where I don't think about Husband's infielity and betrayal. It's just part of the fabric of my consciousness now. I often get images in my head of him engaged in activities with other women, or think about how he was feeling, what he must have been thinking. The other night I asked if he could confirm that he'd never had sex with a prostitute and then me in the same day. (While he couldn't remember that every happening, he coudn't promise that it hadn't.) Last night I was thinking about how he spent the day before our anniversary last year trying to find a prostitute to have sex with. (He can positively confirm that fell through at the last minute, despite two different attempts, so he didn't actually have sex with another woman the day before our anniversary last year, although he tried.)

I've been trying out my method of thinking of him as a New Man, to varying degrees of success. It often works to get me out of the pain, but it doesn't completely get rid of my thoughts and feelings. Those come back again and agian. And I don't what to get rid of feelings. But I do want to stop suffering over a past I have no control over and focus on a future that I have the ability to create. Easier said than done, and it's one day at a time, over and over again.

Another way to look at my situation

So the only thing that can really help me is me, right? So how about this:

I’m an early 40s woman with a 6 year old son. I’m involved with a new man. He’s smart and funny and talented and we’re interested in the same things, value the same things, share a very similar outlook on life. My son loves him, he loves my son, and he says he’s in love with me, too. In fact, he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. My body isn’t perfect, but he thinks it’s beautiful. I’m not a young model type, but he thinks I’m beautiful. He tells me I’m smart and funny and talented. He’s handsome, loving, generous, kind, tender and gentle. He’s a wonderful lover. He was in a long relationship before in which he made some serious mistakes, and had a major crisis. He learned a lot from that – a lot about himself, and about who he’ll be in a relationship now. He’ll never lie. He’ll be honest and communicate openly. He’s in therapy and in 12-step programs, and is ongoingly working on better understanding the origins of his addictions and works hard every day, and with intention, to be who he says he’s going to be one day at a time.

Thank my higher powers for great friends

Marcie sent me an email she'd composed a few days ago. Although she was sending it "late" it came at the perfect time. She wrote, " If you are honestly throwing yourself into the 10,000 universes… then you will have no expectation of the outcome, you will just truly experience things as they are at this moment."

Exactly.

To Husband: Why I'm Down Today

Husband - From time to time I have an overwhelming feeling of "what's the point?"

I feel like we've been building our relationship for 20 years and what I have left now in the wake of June 1st is almost starting over relative to what I had before in terms of trust.

I have a man who loves me and is willing to build an extraordinary relationship and life with me, which is incredible. But it feels like a starting point, and after 20 years of building such profound deep trust and openness as I had with you before that's now mostly gone, it leaves me with that "what's the point" feeling. I feel a deep and profound emptiness today around that. I really want to shake this and not have this going on for Son's birthday. But I'm having trouble doing that today.

So that's where I was this morning when you asked me how I was doing. That's where I am now. If you have anything to offer in the way of love, comfort, thoughts, etc. I'd welcome them.

What's the point?

I've realized this morning that it's not a sadness, but more a feeling of what's the point. From time to time I get this feeling. I have trouble understanding the point of my life if this is what it has lead to. Not that I'm feeling suicidal - with kids that's just not an option, and I just don't feel inclined to that kind of action. But I feel depressed because I see stretching before me a life of going through the motions maybe.

I remind myself that being Son's mom is one of the most important roles I can have, and that gives me purpose. But the relationship that inspired me doesn't exist right now. That's disorienting.

I feel weak for needing/wanting this relationship I thought I had before so badly, and I feel like I should be over this by now. It's an old story. It's a common story. I feel like I should be getting over it. But I'm not. Feeling guilty for feeling shitty. Isn't that pathetic?!

Pangs of sadness and the bardo of dream

Had a nice family weekend. Movie with Husband (The Nines - two thumbs up), backyard blow up pool and bbq with friends, beach, dinner with other friends. Oddly, discussion of prostitution came up in passing.

So things seem fine. No great welling of emotion from me. But last night I was present to a feeling of being alone, even while lying right beside Husband. I think I'm still mourning the connection made possible by the level of trust I used to have.

I was reading an article about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of the bardo of dream. Bardos are defined as the phases in the cyclical process of life, death and rebirth. There are six bardos in the cycle. The bardo of dream is described as the interval between falling asleep and waking in which the appearances of the waking state dissolve, there is a gap in which the illusory dream appearances arise, and then the appearances of the waking state become perceptible again. I think this is what the last 10 years of my relationship have been...the gap in which the illusory dream appearances arise. And now I am in the midst of the end of the illusion of happiness that my relationship was, and it makes me sad. The bardo of dream represents but one of six bardos that make up a continuous cycle, so the end of this bardo is also a beginning. So I have this new beginning to look forward to.

Invasive thoughts persist

They are fewer, but 3 months after finding out about Husband's infidelity thoughts of him with other women still persist. We were making love this morning and for some reason I couldn't get out of my head thinking about him with two women, which he did several times. It's one of those things I can't compete with. I will always be only one person. Maybe sex with me will never be quite as thrilling.

Another invasive thought that came into my head today was thinking about his choice of blond women, and his fan "crush" on a particular young blond actress from a favorite TV show. The fantasy blond, blue eyed cheerleader type is something else I'll never be. And though I know it's irrational based on everything he and I have talked about, my mind wonders if he's tired of my "type" and secretly wishes for something different.

I believe that these thoughts are irrational, and the fears they represent mostly unsubstantiated, but there they are. It feels childish to the point of being embarrassing, but I feel compelled to document this. After 19 years together I still worry that somehow I'm not enough. His issues have ignited my issues, and my issues are demanding to be dealt with. I think these fears and insecurities may never go away, so my peace and happiness lies in how I respond to them. Therein lies my choice and my power.

I got asked out on a date

I went to see a friend's play tonight and got asked out on a date by a guy I was sitting next to after we chatted before the show and during intermission. I was by myself because Husband was at a support group meeting. It was funny to be asked out, and touching and nice that someone took a risk and made a bold move and asked out someone he'd just met at a play. I told him I was married and thanked him for the invitation.

On my drive home I told Husband about it. He seemed a little thrown for a split second, but not angry or jealous. Sometimes he expresses fear that I'm going to leave him, so I'm sure it touched that nerve. I debated whether or not to tell him, but I've always told him everything. It was a funny and oddly inspiring moment, and those are the kinds of things I've always shared with him. I also told him that I never would have dated this guy anyway, even if I was single. He was too introspectively morose for me (a standup comic, so that kind of says it all.)

But it was a gentle reminder that I do have options in this world. Though I'm still convinced there's nobody like Husband out there for me. I now understand that Husband has more shadow than I realized, but that doesn't change the good things. Fortunately or unfortunately...I don't know which.

I have to grow up. I have to accept the darkness along with the light. That is a mature relationship. What I had up to this point was fuled by delusion. Hopefully I'm up for the gritty reality of this next phase we're facing. I still want so badly to go back to what I thought I had. And I also know how silly that is, considering I didn't really have it anymore anyway. But I did for a while...I think. For about the first 5 of the last 19 years. That's something. And I still have a wonderful, flawed, complex man who loves me deeply. So many people don't even have a partner like that. But I still want to go back.

How infidelity could be a good thing

I've been reading a lot about how difficulties can be forces for positive change in our lives. I'll post more about this later, but I just read this and think it has something for those of us trying to heal from infidelity and betrayal:

The article is from the blog Dumb Little Man: Tips for Life and it's called How to Win From a Loss.

Getting past lies (or not)

Read an article in More magazine last night that talked about over-40 people getting married after previous marriages. It talked about the difference in marrying young when you're idealistic and relatively unscathed by heartbreak and disappointment, and about bringing what you've learned, the wisdom of experience, to the new marriage.

It made me sad as I reflected on what I've learned. I began to wonder if it will ever be possible for me to get past being deceived for my entire marriage, and for part of the 9 years we were together before we were married. How do you get over, past, through being lied to for years by the one person you loved and trusted most in the world?

And I thought about starting a new relationship, and how that might be easier than building something good on top of those years of lies and deception. I don't want a relationship with someone else, but I can't picture how to build the kind of connection I thought I had with someone who has betrayed me so deeply and for years. It feels like it would be easier in some ways to deal with the death of a spouse than to deal with trying to re-create a relationship after years of betrayal.

I can feel myself holding back, not trusting when he tells me he loves me (which he does frequently.) I feel like I'm hovering, waiting to see, but I don't know what I'm waiting for. I think I just have to come to terms with the fact that I'll never have what I thought I had with Husband - a relationship based on decades of love, trust, honesty and fidelity. It's like putting food coloring into water. The water will never be clear again. It might get clearer as you add more water over time, but that color will always be there forever more. Maybe in another 20 years I'll feel something approaching the same level of trust, but I don't know. Maybe it will take less time. He said last night that the irony is that I now have in him the man I thought I had before. That's a very good thing for both of us, and will be part of the foundation for anything good we build now. But the problem is, while I have the man I thought I had, I'm not the same person I was before and I don't have the relationship I thought I had before.

This is the part where I have to be willing to die again and again in order to have the life I want. It's scary.