The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

How far I've come

Last night I was looking at some phrases I've kept on a piece of paper beside the bed to remind me about what I've learned from discovering Husband's sex addiction.
  • I can find peace and freedom in surrender and gratitude
  • I'm powerless. Just admit it and surrender (over and over and over again)
  • One day at a time.
  • My most important relationship is with my higher power, which I am an expression of
  • My most important actions are to use my life and my abilities to be of service as an expression of love, compassion and non-duality, and to celebrate everything I have.
  • If I listen for it I will always hear the voice of higher power.
  • Pain, fear and all kinds of adversity are opportunity. I can allow both the good and the bad to be gifts.
  • What am I resisting?
  • I can always choose the most empowering context.
  • Surrendering to the moment at hand is usually the most powerful response.
  • Have fun!
  • If I forget all of this, remembering is the next part of my journey
As I looked at that list, I realized how much of this has become who I am. I don't need this piece of paper as much as I used to, because much of what I've learned has become fundamentally integrated into my approach to the world.

It made me happy to realize that I've really grown and changed in some very potent ways.

I'm proud of myself, because it wasn't an easy road, and it could have gone many different ways.

I'm still growing and developing, but now I have these new tools that have become part of me that make me stronger in the world. Stronger for myself.

There have been a lot of challenging things happening in my life lately. An unanticipated hysterectomy, discovering Husband had been looking at Sports Illustrated swimsuit models online again, the loss of my 14 year-old dog to cancer, the loss of a business partnership, job interviews for big jobs, and falling behind on the mortgage.

Through all of this, I've used the new tools I've learned - turning things over to higher power, new levels of confidence, speaking up for myself without worrying about being "reasonable," operating as if I deserve all good things that come to me, surrendering, praying, listening for higher power, choosing a context that empowers me, and not running from fear, pain or adversity...

I can feel my own strength in ways I never have before. I can feel a relationship with myself that I never had before.

I feel ready for the world, ready for any challenge, ready to make the most of every opportunity. All this is new, and thanks to the work I've done.

It's been worth it.

2 comments:

Brian said...

Thank you for sharing these phrases. At the moment I'm focusing on the "one day at a time" phrase. Three days sober and I think I'm doing well. Sad, but true. I appreciate your thoughts as it helps me focus on what my family might be going through in response to my addiction. Keep posting!

Jayne Dough said...

Congratulations!

I'm so happy for you.