Why can't I just do the thing that makes sense?

After our post-disclosure couples session, in which the Addict told me that he still wanted time--a year--to work on the new person he feels he is becoming (have heard that before), we talked and I told him that I don't need to be divorced right away. I said that my main concern is that he poses a financial threat because he's been, until recently, willing to drink and drive. Our house is a big part of our retirement plan and I don't want to lose it if he hurts or kills someone while drunk driving. I told him that if he can add a breathalyzer to his car that will keep it from starting so he can't drive drunk, then I'd feel less urgency to divorce. After all, he's already out of the house and I am free to date whomever I want, which I've started to do. I'm free to live my life on my terms. I don't hate him. So divorce doesn't feel urgent to me, except for the financial aspect.

WHY CAN'T I JUST SAY IT? Why can't I just do the only logical thing on the table and GET DIVORCED??

I think I came across the answer today, and it's something that I've thought before, but maybe now is the time I'm ready to face it.

In Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, Lori Gottlieb writes, "If I live in the present, I'll have to accept the loss of my future."

Before Round 2, I had been so looking forward to the rest of my life with the Addict. As far as I knew, the horrific, hurtful things we had dealt with as the result of his sex addiction were 14 years behind me. What stretched out in front of me was a beautiful growing-old with someone I loved deeply. Family holidays, travel, grandchildren, rocking chairs.

If I live in the present, I have to accept the loss of that future I was so looking forward to, so invested in, so happy with.

If I live in the present, the future becomes a big unknown. Unknowns are scary. I'm 58. It's not like I have decades ahead of me to start over. I feel like it's now or never to get things right. Maybe I'll never find someone I want to be with as much as I wanted to be with the Addict--someone funny, creative, caring, brilliant, musical, affectionate, gentle and loving. Maybe I won't find anybody else who will love me enough to make me their Person.

If I live in the present, I'll have to accept the loss of my future. I am stopped by grief and fear.