Husband and I got married on November 1, 1997.
We don't have any special celebration planned this year. Last year we celebrated with a honeymoon on Maui, about 4 months after the truth had come out. It was an intense, emotional time.
This year I feel different. Less emotional, more guarded, yet willing to leave the past in the past, live in the present moment and give what I have today a chance.
I'm tired of my bouts of fear and anxiety, yet I still can't seem to shake them entirely. Husband is struggling with his food addiction a little right now, and I get really nervous about the possibility of things getting out of control. I know he can't be perfect, but I've been through the food struggles before with him and now I have an idea of what he's really struggling with, and where that can lead. I don't think he'll go so far as to go back to porn, massage parlors and prostitutes, but I still fear it. This indicates to me that I have more spiritual work in front of me, more surrender to impermanence and unknowability. And more work around control issues and my ability to feel safe in an uncontrollable world.
I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, afraid to jump back into living 100 percent. It feels easier just to be afraid. But I know that if I jump I might find out I can fly. The fear is still there, though. But it's not insurmountable.
And maybe I'll find that I need to choose again whether or not to jump every single day from here on out.
And I can only begin to imagine where that kind of life will take me, jumping and jumping and jumping again.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
9 comments:
I definitely relate to how you feel. I feel I choose each day and don't feel I can give more than that.
I hope you find the strength to move forward. I want to move forward, i am just not sure if it should be alone or with my wife. Do you know what you will do if your husbands starts up again?
cyber widow - If Husband is in recovery, I am open to working with him on relapses. I don't know how that will look, but I'm keeping open to it because no human being is perfect. As I've learned in 12-step program, the goal is progress not perfection. I do have a bottom line that can't be crossed for my own safety and sanity (for example one boundary is that if Husband has sexual contact with another person, he has to move out,) but aside from that, I'm not expecting that he won't have slips like the one he had recently.
If Husband decides to stop participating in recovery (therapy, SAA meetings, outreach calls, etc) then I believe our marriage would be over at that point.
"I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, afraid to jump back into living 100 percent. It feels easier just to be afraid. But I know that if I jump I might find out I can fly. The fear is still there, though. But it's not insurmountable."
I totally get this - and congrats on your anniversary!
Makes total sense. My problem is that my wife doesn't even admit that she has a problem.He is very fortunate to have you as his partner.
I can empathize with your feelings regarding acting out with food and does that mean he's spiraling down again. It's hard because any of my girlfriends would say - big deal - he spent $20 and ate junk at work all day. But I know he could have just as easily listened to hooker voices on the phone and jerked off in the bathroom to relieve stress. He's traded one for the other. It's not about the food. It's why he needed it in the first place that most people don't get.
I am working on acknowledging that my husband has the right to a bad day - as does anyone. A bad day and a bag of donuts doesn't mean it's crashing down again. Recovery isn't going to make him some super human who is happy and without fault 24/7.
Belated congratulations on your anniversary, Woman A. One jump at a time -- I kind of like that... :)
I downright loathed my last anniversary. My wife pretty much knew just to leave me alone too. Of coarse it didnt help that the "truth" was revealed on my actual anniversary the year before. Ive made so much progress in the last month. The key for me was to find the reasons and motivations behind the things I couldnt accept and see if I could love her for having those defects (or even needs) and not in spite of them. Many of those reasons and motivations I played a huge part in. Im gonna keep digging for my truth and it will lead me to whatever marriage or divorce or job that I need. I believe that now.
"And I can only begin to imagine where that kind of life will take me, jumping and jumping and jumping again."
I guess the question is: are you afraid of heights?
One jump at a time and pack your own parachute.
Post a Comment