The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

The Question

I was thinking about my 20 history with Husband, and how I would ever be able to start a new relationship with someone other than him if I had to.

Without 20 years of history, how would I know this person, and how would they know me? How would I be able to feel safe with somebody completely unknown?

What popped into my head was this:

The question would not be "Do you know and love me enough to be in a relationship with me?"

The question would be "Do you know and love YOURSELF enough to be in a relationship with me?"

And this, or some version of it, is the same question I'd need to ask myself and the question that I want to ask myself even now in my relationship with Husband: Knowing and loving myself, is this where I want to be? Knowing and loving myself, does this feel good and right in this very moment?

I have fleeting fears about safety. How can I be sure I'm safe? With Husband or with any partner?

The answer that feels most right in my gut is that the safety I seek will come from knowing and loving myself, and not from anybody else.

Easier said than done. I've learned much I didn't know about myself over the past year and a half. I'm learning to accept, embrace and love my humanity, my flaws and failings as well as my strengths and gifts. But knowing myself and loving myself are probably conscious acts best done one day at a time anyway...part of the journey, not the destination.

1 comment:

Misery Marketing said...

I like the idea of changing the parameters of relationships. I havent been able to do so completely yet but Im closer. What is trust but believing somebody will do something they should do anyway? Its just a word that gives me the illusion of not having future pain. Bottom line should be that Im not going to be with someone who doesnt do what they are supposed to do. If I do then it has nothing to do with the breach of trust but rather what Im willing to live with or give up to receive the benefits I perceive in a relationship. I guess thats where self love comes in. If I find self love and esteem then the less shit I will put up with which hinders me from being who I think I am or should be.