The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

More opportunity to practice (AFGO)

On the CD that comes with the book Spiritual Liberation by Michael Bernard Beckwith, he says "In the mind of God there aren't any problems, there are just impetuses for us to evolve." He goes on to say that the real question to ask as we face challenges is "where must I grow, where must I evolve?" What is it within me that I must set free to empower myself in the face of this issue?

I've also been thinking about the difference between self-delusion and serenity. If I just choose to be happy, as I'm often invited to do, isn't it possible that I'm just looking on the sunny side and not dealing with the muck and darkness like I've always done?

After more thinking I've concluded that delusion is when I choose to be happy by ignoring or otherwise distracting myself from problems; and that serenity and empowerment come when I can choose to be happy in the presence of challenges and obstacles. This involves acceptance regarding what I can't control, and faith that I have everything I need within myself to meet all challenges that come my way. I can grow, I can evolve. It may not be easy, it may not be pleasant, but it's definitely something I can do. I can find the opportunity in any situation if I really want to.

So I have another opportunity, and my grand conclusion is easier contemplated than practiced.

Husband found out last night that he's being laid off in January. With my consulting work a trickle the past month, my mind immediately flings off in the direction of foreclosure.

This is part of my sickness. I fall into a downward spiral and hem and haw about disasters that haven't happened and things I can't control.

I have A LOT OF FEAR about financial insecurity, and about Husband being able to handle the stress of job loss, job hunting, stress in his current job, his continuing health issues, his upcoming operation, staying on his new medically supervised liquid diet, and sometimes not being able to get enough good sleep. I worry that the addict is going to pay us a visit.

So...I'm going to meditate more, exercise more, ask myself how I can evolve (I've already got a hunch this involves restructuring my relationship to abundance and surrendering to what I can and can't control,) talk to my higher power and turn things over...and we'll see. I'm getting better at seeing what is mine to deal with and what is Husband's to deal with, so that's useful progress.

Maybe over the past 18 months I've gained some facility in dealing with groundlessness and the impermanence of life.


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

My husband shared with me this morning about something that happened last night. I was out at yoga when our neighbor knocked on the door before bedtime and handed him our daughter's favorite stuffed animal -- the one she needs to sleep.

And he was so angry. Angry that she left the toy there and that I had let her take it over and hadn't remembered to get it back. And then he realized he was being crazy, because nothing bad had happened. He was angry and anxious about the bad things that could have happened, but didn't.

Our minds are crazy things.

Scribbling-Mum said...

I can relate to the financial insecurity. Thanks for reminding me to just work on what I CAN...healthy things for me...exercise, prayer, etc.

I'm constantly reminding myself to just do the next right thing...& to stop projecting the what-ifs & to TRY & live in the now.

RockiBottom said...

"What is it within me that I must set free to empower myself in the face of this issue?" I love this question. It is something I intend to ponder for myself. I could certainly benefit from the answer so it's something I should search for.

Sorry to hear about the possible financial issues coming your way. I am there and have been for over a year now. I know how much stress it can add to an already stressful situation. Just be sure not to let your mind wallow in worry. It isn't helpful and does you no good. I hope things turn out better than you are worried they will.