The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, May 4, 2009

What am I afriad of?

For the past several weeks I've been wrestling with fears. I even woke one night and went through Husband's emails and Twitter friends to see what I would find.

I found nothing, and I don't have any reason to think anything's going on.

It's surprising, because I'd have thought from the way things are going with Husband's recovery and our couples work that I would feel more secure, more sure by now.

Of course, the thing that I've been slacking off on is my own recovery work. After almost 2 years you'd think I'd have come far enough, right?!

But, not surprising now that I've jumped in, apparently it's going to take more time to cross these waters. Maybe a lifetime. Maybe that's human beings are here for. To be ongoingly recovering or avoiding recovery.

Recovering from what? Not everybody is married to a sex addict, after all.

I've decided that what I'm recovering from is being human...which explains why it's a life's work, and why others who find themselves in a human existence may also find it a useful pursuit.

I'm recovering from the curse of our big, human brains that know enough to know (even if only subconsciously) and be afraid of (even if only subconsciously) how much we don't know.

One question I've been looking at again recently is 'Why did this happen to me twice?'

Betrayed by my father, betrayed by my husband, both of whom I trusted with childlike certainty.

I think there are many ways of looking at everything, and that with that choice lies freedom and any hope of peace.

So I've decided to listen for the voice of my higher power/divine self/universal love intelligence/name-of-one's-choice-for-that-which-is-beyond-me in this matter. Some would call it the voice of God.

When I listen, what I hear is my higher power telling me that I'm ready. I'm ready to be with the groundlessness that is the truth of our existence and find peace. I'm ready to have faith that I everything I need in this life will be provided even if it's not what I think I need or what I want. I'm ready to accept that everything changes, the 'good' and the 'bad,' and that no matter how I plan for the future and wish for a different past, all I have is the moment I'm in and the choice to be full of love and compassion or not in that instant. I'm ready to find freedom, peace and the ultimate strength in courageous surrender to what is so.

Higher power has presented me with this opportunity because I am ready to find that inside myself.

So fear is my ally. When I feel it I'm reminded that I am on the right path, that I'm keeping myself open to learning who I am in the face of it, that I'm learning how I can resist both fight and flight to fleetingly experience my true self in those moments.


RockiBottom said...

I often think I will never feel secure. Never be able to trust again. I think perhaps it will take a lifetime to accomplish any of these things. It is so very human to think and wonder, wonder and think. At least you are trying, that is what matters.

woman.anonymous7 said...

RockiBottom - Oddly enough, for me it doesn't feel so much about trusting Husband anymore as it does about having boundaries and trusting myself.

I'm beginning to be able to trust myself to set boundaries, to acknowledge when they've been crossed, and to do the healthy adult thing that is called for at that time (probably getting support from others would be one of my first steps.)

The other thing I trust is that I can provide for my own security; financially, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically. Not in such a way that I'm going to live without letting myself be vulnerable. But I'm going to live having faith that between my higher power and me, all will be taken care of. Husband can be my prince charming, but I no longer want him to be everything, and I no longer give him the role of my higher power.

It's taken 2 years for me to begin to open up to this in a real way - in my body and not just in my head.

Sometimes I still want to be taken care of in that way that a child or a fairytale princess is taken care of. If I was worthy enough, all my wants and needs would be met, right? When I realize I'm feeling that way, I turn it over to the god of my understanding and have faith that higher power will take care of me until I find that within myself which will empower me to take care of myself again.