The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

What I see about my fear

So I look at my last post and what I see is that I have some desire to control what Husband is thinking because I use what he's thinking to define myself.

That's part of where the fear comes from.

I know that for me wanting to control what I can't is a form of resisting what is so, and leads to nothing but unhappiness and dissatisfaction. So I'm willing to give that up (and give it up again and again and again, because it's not going to come easily.)

The other part of the fear is a fear of trust.

I'm afriad I'll be lied to again, even if it's only that his mind is somewhere else when I believe it's with me.

And I'm afriad of what would happen if he lied again. Although oddly, we've already been through a small slip with lying (about something other than sex with prostitutes) and I lived through it.

I guess I'm just afraid of the pain. I don't want that kind of pain again.

But I'm also reminded about the gifts of pain by reading Sophie in the Moonlight and Willow posting about being right where one is supposed to be.

After reading a lot of Buddhist and related spiritual literature, I've decided to take the position that I'm always right where I'm supposed to be, and either surrendering or resisting.

In the past I've gotten caught up in the thinking that "where I'm supposed to be" is a going to be a place that I'd want to be. Now I see this isn't necessarily true.

This is a note to myself to take this mantra with me wherever I go, wherever I find myself, into to the sunshine and into the darkness: I'm right where I'm supposed to be.


Cat said...

I so believe that we are all right where we are supposed to be - its a wonderful way to view life!

Sophie in the Moonlight said...

Oh, I know that fear. It eats me alive. Gnaws at my cerebral stem. Rots the edges of my heart. Fear of trust, of pain, of betrayal, of being hood-winked AGAIN - terrible fears. Plus the fear of being abandoned or being forced to abandon the person whose illness caused so much pain to begin with.... too much to process, non?

Your choices are good for you right now and I love your mantra.

We cannot prevent pain from happening. Buddhism teaches that Life is suffering. It's not 'cuz they're pessimists, they've just learned that one creates her own suffering by having expectations. Expectations are rarely met, ergo suffering. If one expects nothing other than that one is making the best choice for herself in each moment, then suffering comes in more measured doses. One of my most difficult life lessons is to let go of fear. When i am afraid of what might happen, I am living in the foggy future and I am missing out on my Here and Now - a place in which I could be doing good things for myself that will take care of my future.

Yeah, I'm still working on that one. Type A and all that.

((((big hugs))))

anonyhandle said...

Wow. I could have written this post myself. That fear of trust is a huge looming monster. Seems like we all struggle with it. Hopefully it gets easier for all of us.

Scribbling-Mum said...

What you've said (& the commenters here) about FEAR is so true...and I struggle with MUCH of what you've shared. Accepting WHAT IS and all IS healthy living/thinking, etc. I'm in 2 12 Step programs & have benefitted greatly from them.

BUT. Do you really think a child molester molesting a child or someone in the midst of murdering someone is "where he/she is supposed to be" right in that moment? I think NOT.
My wonderful psychologist dad used to always say: "Everyone does the best they can." He used to preach it left & right...
I never bought that crap. None of us are ALWAYS doing the best we can...

So I'm not sure about some of the mixed messages sometimes...

Any thoughts on this? Thanks...

woman.anonymous7 said...

Scribbling-Mum - "I'm right were I'm supposed to be," like many other things I use to guide me in life, is not a truth but rather a perspective I take because it feels empowering.

It reminds me to surrender so that I can be awake and learn, rather than spending my energy resisting or distracting myself from something I'd rather not experience.

For me, this perspective has created openings and opportunities that would not otherwise have been there in the midst of pain and confusion.

I can't say what is true for child molesters and murderers. I imagine many of them might be so profoundly mentally ill that they're not able to grow and learn from the dark, horrible places they are in.

But my experiences with the darkest, most painful places I have been to have brought me to a more conscious, thoughtful, empowered place in life. So for myself, though it was not good or right or justifiable or excusable or explainable, the betrayal I experienced resulted in spiritual growth I never thought I wanted or needed until I got it.

So my perspective is that even things that seem unimaginably horrible may not be "bad." Perhaps they are just experiences, and I grow, stay the same or regress in response.

Not a truth, but a place from which to consider that which comes my way.

Scribbling-Mum said...

Thank you for sharing has helped me understand a bit more...

Willow said...

Great post. I think that understanding we are right where we are supposed to be is about accepting ourselves and our lives in that we know we are right where we are "able" and "capable" of being at any given moment. It is the "truth" of our own reality - our personal consciousness. Only then are we in a space of freedom to move forward to a better place.