The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Thoughts on how to define God hunger

I've been working on Step 2, and I realized I didn't really know how I would define god hunger. Is it searching for meaning or purpose in life? Searching for answers? Searching for love and safety?

When I think about spirituality, what I get out of that now is strength that comes from faith. Faith that the pain and obstacles that come my way have purpose in my life, that they are opportunities to be with discomfort and fear and to find out where I can go when I don’t run from those or distract my self or numb myself.

What I got from Husband was a sense of safety – a knowledge that no matter what – everything was going to be okay. He was the great wing under which I was protected but not oppressed.

So maybe that’s the god hunger – looking for assurance that everything is going to be okay. Somehow this is related to definition of / relationship with self, because as I’ve become healthier, I’ve assumed more and more responsibility for my own well-being, and find that I rely less on others to see that I’m okay.

So perhaps god hunger is that relationship to myself – looking through the lens of non-duality and seeing that I am a wave in the ocean that is divinity – I am the wave, and as a wave I am also the ocean and I am whole and complete and have everything and am everything because I am not separate from anything. Maybe that's what I’ve been hungering for – to know myself as not separate from all there is, good, bad, known, unknown, not separate from god – so that I can be at peace. Is god hunger simply a hunger for peace and serenity?

What is it that’s missing, what is it that needs to be filled? What is it that fills that void?

People fill the void with tasks, obsessions, pursuits, or numb the pain of that missing with drugs, alcohol and other addictions. Maybe god hunger is the need to feel peaceful and safe no matter what is going on in life. To know that god will protect you, god will heal you, god will redeem you, god will save you, god will love you, and you can do all these things because you are not separate from god. Maybe god hunger is a desire for the power to provide all these things. So is the missing thing power?

Or maybe the missing thing is unconditional love – the love we feel from our parents before we know any different. The love that lets us feel safe, peaceful and affirmed in the world. And perhaps the missing comes when we begin to understand the conditions under which we’re loved. And because we don’t learn to love ourselves unconditionally we begin to look for that other that will give us the love that was snatched away from us as we became sentient, as we began to define the world, as we began to distinguish that there was “us” and then there was what was not “us.” As we began to understand ourselves as separate from other things, which we needed to do in order to survive, we lost that knowledge of interbeing. Loved for being good, loved for being pretty, loved for being smart, loved for being witty, loved for being sharp, loved for being talented, loved for being quiet, loved for being no trouble, loved for being difficult. But not just loved for being.

So here it is. Maybe my God hunger is my search for unconditional love that I am only now beginning to learn to provide for myself.

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