Can't sleep. Husband came home drunk tonight from his company Christmas party (I went to a friend's birthday party, because the Christmas party was sounding like it might be dull and it's at least an hour drive to the company headquarters.) I hadn't heard from him all day and all evening, which was a little unusual. And I couldn't reach him. But he called when I was on my way home to say he was home.
He was coming out when I was walking up to the house, and he said he was going to park his car. That was odd, and I went down the street with him to see what it was all about. It was parked perpendicular to the curb, and it had run out of gas on our street. When I opened the door to help him push it into a more legal position, I found an open bottle of vodka on the front seat. Upon further investigation I found a bunch of empty wine containers in the car as well. Turns out that for the past several weeks (so he says) he's been drinking after work "a couple days a week" and not telling me, after we'd agreed that we weren't going to be drinking except on specific special occasions. Which came about because of another time he got drunk and lied to me about how much he'd had to drink.
I just don't know what to do. On the one hand I really do love him, and really want him in my life for so many reasons - he's a great dad, smart, great sense of humor, loves me, supports me in the things I want to do, encourages me, is a good partner in terms of sharing responsibilities. But there's a part of him that feels entitled to things (online games, booze, food, not porn or prostitutes as far as I know) when he feels overworked and/or under a lot of pressure, but he's so afraid of me that instead of coming out and saying so he sneaks and lies to me about it. He doesn't seem to know how to deal with those feelings in healthier ways when he gets overwhelmed. But the lies really hurt. I feel disrespected, and it brings back the pain and sadness about past betrayals.
I'm finding it really hard to make a deep emotional bond with someone I don't know that I can trust. So part of me is always withdrawn from him, and things like this just kind of cement that gap between us. And honestly the physical intimacy is a challenge, too, partly because he's not the person I thought he was, and partly because every time we are physical I can't stop thoughts of what he did from coming into my head. I often need a lot of time (days or weeks) to get to a place where I feel like having sex, and he seems to feel invalidated by that. Understandable, but I don't know what else to do but take the time I need. Sex feels too intimate do just lie back and think of England.
I really want to work on things with him. Thinking about my life without him, and Son's life with us divorced - neither of those scenarios seem appealing. But neither does "faking it" and pretending we have a relationship that we don't for Son's sake. I don't want to lie to Son like that. But I don't know if Husband is capable of resolving the things that are at the root of all his addictions - the entitlement and fear (and the family issues they stem from) which combine to result in him lying to me.
I don't know what to do right now. I know I can figure something out. (Although it may not be up to me anyway - in his drunken state he was talking about it probably being better if we decide it's over.) But right now, I'm just at a loss.
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3 comments:
Oh Honey,
Except for the drinking, you could've been writing about my husband in terms of his strengths. Its exactly the same, and yet-- the weaknesses are SOOO bad, so soul-crushing, that they overshadow, the good.
I don't remember if your son has any kind of disability, but that and money is what kept me hanging on... and also, for years, I thought it was "just" cyber sex.
typical addict minimizing. The word "only" and the phrase "it was only a couple."
A couple hundred?
not to make light of your pain and suffering or minimize the seriousness of his problem, which in trickle down fashion, becomes your problem AND your sons problem too. Please do not forget that. He benefits from the good, which he can-- NO MATTER WHAT, but he is also affected by the bad.
But, dumb dumb me. Geee... now I SEEEEEE why he told me that it was okay to date.
For me, the total lack of intimacy and the lies and deceit from a man who I could not EVER imagine was even remotely capable of such a thing, rendered it impossible for me to stay. I feel like a victim in the trade towers, standing at the ledge, with a raging, steel melting fire growing ever more unbearable by the minute, until the only option I have, is to jump. Yes, a gross exaggeration, but I have acquiesced that at the age of 60, my h isn't going to change BACK into the beautiful, loving, kind, devoted, committed husband, lover and friend, he was 25 years ago. This is reality and tough as it is to face, I have no other choice, if I'm to remain half-way sane.
The hurt it beyond excruciating at times, but the hope for a better life, never dies.
He moved out a week ago, at my insistence, and I spent the day, crying my eyes out. I thought I was going to die from the pain, it was THAT bad.
He still wants to help me and at first, I said, no thank you, but who am I really hurting by that statement? only myself.
he owes me. he owes me big time, for what he's robbed from me, and the position that he's put me AND our two sons, (one who's 21, but still...).
The last thing I'd like to say is that I have a lot of single older friends, and quite frankly, there isn't a one in the bunch, that even wants a man, and who isn't happy as a lark without the dead wood that used to be in their lives.
food for thought.
my best and I feel so badly for the pain you are going through.
Lexie
"Turns out that for the past several weeks (so he says) he's been drinking after work "a couple days a week" and not telling me, after we'd agreed that we weren't going to be drinking except on specific special occasions."
Why is this? My thinking is guilt. Maybe he's not telling you so as to not hurt you. Clearly something is amiss within him and this, sadly, is his outlet. Rather than confront the lie, maybe ask to help.
"But the lies really hurt. I feel disrespected, and it brings back the pain and sadness about past betrayals."
I get that. And it is disrespectful, but again, I don;t think it is directed at you, but himself. Not that is a valid excuse, but maybe a reason.
"I'm finding it really hard to make a deep emotional bond with someone I don't know that I can trust. And honestly the physical intimacy is a challenge, too, partly because he's not the person I thought he was, and partly because every time we are physical I can't stop thoughts of what he did from coming into my head. Sex feels too intimate do just lie back and think of England."
I've been there with a serial cheating wife. Aside from time, there's really nothing one can do. I'm sorry to say this, but that last line was funny as hell.
"I really want to work on things with him."
That's admirable and noble, but after all these years is it practical? Are you hoping against hope or do you see progress in him (overall) as well as within yourself in being able to trust again?
"I don't know what to do right now. ...right now, I'm just at a loss."
I wish I had some soothing words for you, but I don't. You've put yourself (or is it, you've been placed) in a no win situation. Nonetheless, a decision needs to be made. Stay or go, life will have its regrets. What does he want? Does he care? To him, are you worth fighting for? Maybe some questions to help you determine the outcome.
I wish you well. I really do.
Lexie and Blazer Prophet - It makes such a difference to hear the words of others who have walked a similar path. I feel your support and compassion and it lifts me up. We will all find our ways, won't we?
itsapseudonym - My best friend of 20 years started going blind in college. She lost her vision completely while in law school. Now she is an attorney, married with 3 kids, making huge contributions to her community. I'm sure I can't begin to imagine your loss. I sounds very painful. I'm also sure that you have much to offer the world if you give yourself that chance. You offered compassion and wisdom to me when I needed it - such a gift. I wish you peace.
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