It was a topic meeting this week at SAnon, and the topic was how do you re-establish trust?
SAnon is about sharing one's own experience, not about giving advice, so people spoke only about their own situations. As we went around the room, it became clear that the people in my meeting are in various stages of learning to trust themselves and speak their truths.
I think that is the answer, or at least the path toward the answer.
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Establish trust with my lyin', cheatin' husband? My mom is actually a therapist (the rapist) ;) And she's written two self help books, but anyway, she was telling me about a colleague who's writing a book about establishing trust after betrayal. And this is what I told her. In the interest of keeping this about my own experience...
I cannot do that. no wait.
i did do it. I F***ING BELIEVED HIM WHEN HE SAID THAT HE HAD STOPPED!!!!!!!! yes, I did. and then I got stomped on all over again, and again. (in passive-aggressive fashion).
I have a new rule and its my one absolute. Once a man has lied and betrayed me, he's toast.
done.
finished.
don't care about ALL of his other wonderful qualities...blah, blah don't want to know about it. good-bye. deal over. have a nice life, but not with me, in it. (in a significant way, that is)
next.
life is too short to have a knot in my stomach and waiting anxiously for the other shoe to drop. Because it will.
and I disagree.
slips are not inevitable.
unless one is an addict. and sometimes, the "slips" are not actually "slips", but just him getting caught in something he never actually stopped.
I do not believe in "recovery". I believe that "recovery" is just another thing we want to believe in that isn't based in reality, for an addict, unfortunately. That is... unless they came to the realization all on their own and are doing it whether they are with you or not. Recovery, for us. yes. That is real, but it is not easy and it means different things for different women.
quite frankly, if someone HAD advised me to leave 5 years ago, I wouldn't have disagreed with them, but I just couldn't face it. I didn't have the courage, W.A7.
It is much easier to stay than to leave. I do so get that. and there are a few, SAs who do change, but my h is not going to be one of them. He might stop acting out, but he can't change the personality disorder that lead to it and that is basically the problem as I see it.
he had his chance(s)to get his act together and he blew it. so be it.
my best to you, and happy, warm, loving holidays my cyber friend.
Lexie
I think lexie might be speaking the truth. The facts are cold and survival requires strict boundaries. Thanks for the candid words
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