The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'm the idiot still married to a liar

Last weekend Son and I came home from Son's sports lesson to find Husband passed out drunk on the couch. Not great by any standard, but really fucking bad because Husband was supposedly not drinking because of the last time he'd been secretly drinking and lying to me about it.

Four months ago I spelled out for Husband again how painful it is for me to be lied to,  how much damage it does to my ability to trust him, and how difficult it makes repairing our relationship. But husband is sick, and he's still not dealt with the things at the root of his sickness.

I've been trying to decide what to do now.

Instead of relying on only myself and withdrawing into problem solving in my head, I immediately called my three close girlfriends to get their perspective. They share my values, they all have kids (which gives me confidence that they understand my need for Son's well-being to be top priority,) they love both Husband and me and are mature enough not to take sides, and so I trust them to help bring clarity when there is too much fog on my path.

I can feel how much progress I've made in terms of boundaries, self-definition, and recognizing what's mine to deal with and Husband's to deal with. This weekend's incident brings into sharper focus where I still have work to do.

Husband lies to me for two reasons: He feels entitled to the things he does that he thinks I disapprove of him doing. And he's afraid of my response, my anger, disdain, or disappointment, if he does something I don't like. I've taken this as reasonable. Of course someone might lie if they're afraid of the consequences - afraid of losing something they value. And this is where my sickness comes in.

Living with somebody who is willing to lie costs me dearly in ways that are not immediately evident. Just like last time, I thought something was off. He'd come home smelling like alcohol after work sometimes. I even asked him about it once or twice and instead of getting defensive like I worried he might, he'd smile warmly and say "no, I haven't." Then I'd apologize for asking. But mostly I wouldn't ask, because I knew he was working hard, because he is a great dad and partner, because he is a good person, and because he'd made a promise to me after hearing clearly how much it hurt me to be lied to and hearing my explicit request for total honesty between us. I was sure I could trust him. 

So what I did was I readily, willingly negated myself, my sense of smell, my concerns, my ability to protect myself - I negated my own thoughts and instincts - in order to believe and give the benefit of the doubt to someone who has a history of repeatedly lying to me. 

Ah, the river Denial. It's depressing and embarrassing to be floating on your waters after five years of hard work. To be making this mistake, to still find blind spots (chasms?) with regard to my co-dependency. After all the progress I feel like I've made. I guess humility is part of this growth opportunity as well.

I'd stopped going to my weekly meetings because things were on an even keel. I was feeling closer and more loving and accepting toward Husband each day. Work was demanding, and I wanted to be sure to have time with Son while he still wants to spend time with me. So I let my meetings slide.

Lesson #1 (again): If I want to change lifelong patterns I'm going to need ongoing support - even after I feel like I've conquered those patterns. Five years is not enough practice to master the unlearning of behavior I've cultivated over a lifetime. Anon meetings need to be a regular part of my life. Maybe forever. (Ugh. I don't want to accept that.)

Lesson #2: Trust myself above all else. This is part of self-definition. I WILL SAY if things seem okay to me, and not rely on others to say that things are ok. And I will not trust known liars, no matter how repentant they are or what kinds of promises they make.

Lesson #3: Trust actions, not words. Promises mean shit. Actions are what make the difference. I know Husband loves me, he says he loves me, and his actions make him a great dad and partner to raise a child with. But his actions DON'T make him a good adult relationship partner, no matter what he says, how sorry he is, how different he wishes things were.

When Husband disappeared after our argument about his drinking this weekend and Son started asking where Daddy was I couldn't make up a story - I couldn't lie to Son. I didn't know where Husband was or when (if) he'd be coming back. So asked Son if he remembered how we'd talked about addiction and alcoholism in relation to drinking. He said yes, and I told him that Daddy actually had that problem, and that when we'd come home Daddy was passed out from being drunk. I told him that Daddy had been secretly drinking and lying to me about it. And that we'd had an argument and I didn't know where Daddy was but that he'd probably gone for a walk and would probably be back.

I've been not telling Son about any of our issues for the last five years. But I felt like the ground had been laid for a relatively frank discussion, and I wasn't going to lie to Son and break the trust in our relationship to cover up for Husband. I kept a positive tone, told Son that Daddy and I would be working on these issues. He seemed sad, and wanted time to himself. I let him know that Daddy was still the same Daddy and that we both loved him and that we could talk about anything whenever he wanted. I asked if he had any questions or concerns or worries. We talked a bit more and then he went up to his room "to think about things and listen to my story." (He loves to listen to stories on the iPod.) I asked him if he wanted to call any of his friends for support. "Not yet," he said.

I'm trying to get to a therapist to help me work out my next steps. If it was just me I'd throw in the towel, but I want to do the best I can to work on our issues for Son's sake.  But Son is old enough now and has enough emotional maturity and enough tools to handle what may come with support from Husband and me, and professionals if necessary. And I don't want to set the example that betrayal is trivial.

And another thing worth noting is that because Husband is willing to lie, I can't be sure that there aren't other things he's lying about as well. I don't think there are, but this is where Lesson #3 above comes into play, right?

Thinking about the input I've received from friends and from my Anon meeting, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to say that this is the last time. I'm willing to continue to work, but if husband lies to me, deceives me, betrays my trust again I'm going to get a divorce. That is really scary, because it's giving up a lot. Husband is a wonderful father, a great partner in many ways, a relatively responsible provider, he loves me, he's my champion, he's smart and warm and funny, he only wants the best for me. But I think sacrificing my Self in order to keep the positive things I get out of having Husband in my life is not going to turn out well for me. Living with lies confuses my relationship with the core of myself. It doesn't feel like a good thing to do because it requires not trusting myself. I have to write this here so that I have a plan to refer to if the going gets rough.

I am trying to hang on to the life I want, but the truth is I just don't have it and I never did. A hard thing to process at 47 years old. Another thing I don't want to accept.

God...please, please, please...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, help me find the courage to get the support I need to change the things I can, and help me hold on to the clarity and the wisdom to know the difference.

I don't feel that clear right now.



I thought you were done posting. Nice, but again sad, to see you back.

Ya know, as an old man who has been married to a deeply unfaithful wife and had a father who died of alcoholism and has a best friend who is a recovering (well, sometimes) sex addict, maybe I can add a small perspective.

As you know, 'once an addict, always an addict'. Even if he goes years without a drink or watching porn, he is still an addict.

Addicts stumble. We all stumble as a matter of fact. You, me, everyone.

Now, the questions I have are, how bad is the stumble and how will he react to it?

In this case, he got drunk. OK, that's not so bad as running out and finding a whore. I'm OK with that. I don't need to tell you he feels like a loser deep down and this can happen. So next is how he handles all this. If he realizes what type a mistake this is and comes out of it fighting harder to stay sober, then let it go and don't hold it against him. If he starts loading up again and again then you may have to take substantially stronger actions of your choosing.

Anyway, my $.02.

I wish you the best. I really do.

Lexie said...

(((hugs))) dear woman. you are not an idiot at all. Listen to your heart. your true heart, not the needy one that plays sick tricks with your head. You know what to do... we all do...

but its so, so, SO tough. But, I know that YOU will get there and be all the better for it!

love ~ Lexie

woman.anonymous7 said...

Blazer Prophet - Thanks for your perspective. I appreciate it. Your point about stumbles is well taken. It's the lying that really troubles me. Because I don't find out until I catch him. And if he lies to me about drinking, I can't really be sure what else he's lying about. That's the difficulty. I need to find the sweet spot where love and compassion meet healthy boundaries. Not exactly sure where that is yet, but I feel like I'm getting closer. Thank you for your good wishes.

Lexie - Thanks for your support. Thank you. Thank you. I can hear Husband reading bedtime stories to Son right now. Their nightly ritual. So much is at stake. I love Husband. He loves me. And I do feel like I can trust him on some levels. Just not when it comes to me, I guess. So then what kind of relationship can we have without trust? Maybe we can only be friends. But I trust my what does that make us then? Sometimes I feel like I know, and sometimes I don't. It feels much more complex than I ever imagined these kinds of situations would be.

Lexie said...

A very, very wise woman (a Rabbi, actually) said to me 5 years ago-- Lexie, if you can live with him as he is NOW, then stay and if not, then leave. He is not going to change.

And well, here we are... at that point i did not even know that he had this problem. WHY, I didn't know, is well, the typical denial that so many of us go through...before the BIG ONE HITS! oh yes... I certainly found his cyber sex which he had so kindly left OPEN for my reading pleasure on MY laptop while I was out... That was a pr i t y fun evening. :/ (9 months before that lunch date with my friend.)

and from then on it was a one way ticket on the train bound towards hell...

after I found out the REAL deal last August, that was it! I was done. ahhh... but being "done" after 25 years is not so easy, is it? I built my life around that idiot! and then, I had my own DEPRESSION to deal with, as well. However, that is not a reason to stay with a passive-aggressive liar. That is abuse too and that is not something that I can live with. not any more. He is who he is and unfortunately, a lying-cheating-I-don't-care-about-you-as-long-as-my-'needs'-are-met individual is not someone that I care to spend a lot of time with and no longer wish to remain married to. I tried. I sought out help. I did my best.

You say that you love him and yet he continues to lie to you. So, WHY do you love this man? I mean, I get it, he has some great qualities, but then the sh*t hits the fan and I hear you asking yourself if its worth it, but can't quite seem to finish the musical phrase. (my kids r musicians). We are left waiting for that last note, but it never comes except in our minds. Our minds WANT desperately to HEAR that last note! So, please indulge me, while I bang out that last chord.

I don't care if he's an addict or he spent his childhood chained to a bed inside a closet with no food or water for a week. I mean, I care. of course. that's very sad. but what about YOU? THIS is what you have to work with. THIS is who he is-- RIGHT NOW. He's a liar. And NO, you can't trust him and NO, you have NO IDEA WHAT HE'S REALLY UP TO. and that my friend, is the bottom line. The Titanic struck an iceberg. Get to a lifeboat. The ship's a goin' down. Its really happening.

And YES, he IS two people. he's the kind, sweet soul who reads so lovingly to your son and he's also a (fill in the blank) who lies to his beautiful wife. that is who he is... for whatever the reason, for whatever his neurotic need is, that is who he is.

A woman recently had a post which read:

"One of the hardest parts of life is deciding whether to walk away or try harder."

I said. "try harder to walk away."

There are no absolutes, but what I hear is a woman who is having this continual conflicted inner dialog with herself. So, as Tim Gunn says, "make it work."

But honey, for the love of God, make it work for YOU!

You can STILL love him. He will always be your son's father and he sounds like a good father. You can even be his friend. Your relationship can be whatever YOU want it to be. Hell, my husband and I are going to our son's parent's weekend at his therapeutic boarding school and we are sharing a hotel room. sooooooo??? who effin cares?

why do you accept in this man, behavior that you would never accept in someone else?

no need to wrack your brain, I will tell you why. ;)

stay tuned...

Lexie said...


plain and simple. hey, I'm afraid too... I'm 50--effin six. (how the hell did that happen?) but you know what? I don't care. I am alive and I am healthy (I hope and pray) and I have a brain in my head and an able (and not too bad, if I say so myself) body. I do not need this man. I can support myself and I am fighting like hell to get out of this sham of a marriage. Life with him will always be one depressing episode after another and who needs it?

its much easier to stay, but at what cost?

As my dear wise friend said--- If you can live with him as he is now... stay and if not find a way out. She was right. I was not ready to leave at that point and I'm glad I didn't because my sons have ADHD and autism, respectively, and I needed to put ALL of my reserves into advocating for them, and it has paid off. but now... no. the jig is up. I want a normal life. i really do.

how about you? maybe the time isn't right, but as I said, I know that you will get there, in your own time.

my best always ~ Lexie