A common question early in this journey, and one that continues to come up, is how do you re-establish trust?
That was the discussion topic in my S-Anon meeting this week.
The consensus in the room, expressed in many different ways, seemed to be that one's notion of trust is forever changed by betrayal this deep. "Those of us in this room no longer have that dream, that fantasy, of completely trusting."
The answers that did come...
"I'm learning how to trust myself."
"I trust the process."
"I trust my Higher Power."
Nobody said, "I trust my qualifier exactly as much as I did before."
The point being, for me, that the amount of trust I'd placed in Husband before was not appropriate.
It's not reality-based thinking to expect that humans will be perfect at anything.
Humans are flawed by definition.
A healthy adult is prepared to maintain wholeness, and to take appropriate action for self-preservation, in any event. Betrayal by loved ones included. A healthy adult does not give away that power to another.
One can have expectations that "my [fill-in-the-blank] would never lie to me." But if one isn't prepared to maintain wholeness and take actions for self-preservation were that lie to happen, one might find oneself in a bad (painful, traumatic, apocalyptic, etc) position.
Being human, and therefore not perfect, we all find ourselves unprepared at times. That's an opportunity to grow.
Another point that came up is that it's appropriate, given past events, to expect that someone who has lied to you must re-gain your trust over time. They must earn your trust. That's appropriate. They don't have your trust because they've shown they don't deserve your trust. That's appropriate.
Expecting you to trust them on their timetable instead of your own because it makes them feel bad to be considered untrustworthy...well, that's...how shall I say it...how about this? That's a natural consequence of their actions and not for you to control. (I started to say "that's just TOO BAD!" but decided that was less helpful.)
Right now, the natural consequence of Husbands recent lies is that I've pulled away. "What do you expect?" I asked him. I recently realized that not responding according to his expectations doesn't necessarily mean I'm unreasonable or passive aggressive or unwilling to forgive. It just means that my response and his expectation were different. Period. Anything else is just meaning that he or I have added.
(Can we just redefine expectation to mean a fantasy about the future? That would be so helpful.)
What causes fear (for both of us I think) is when expectations aren't met, because that introduces the unknown.
As creatures programmed for survival, nothing is worse, nothing is less tolerable for human beings, than the unknown. I suspect that developing that capacity is the reason I'm here.
The Beginning of Something Else
On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.
Showing posts with label codependency. Show all posts
Showing posts with label codependency. Show all posts
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Expectation, Reality, and how do you re-establish trust?
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Some clarity in the fog of battle
Husband and I argued this morning (a good thing for two conflict avoiders) and he said two things that gave me surprising insight into his thinking.
He was finishing cooking breakfast and I was on my computer responding to some emails for work. He asked me to go upstairs and get Son out of bed for breakfast, which I said I'd do.
The inability to get off the computer when I say I will as a character flaw of mine. I didn't get off right away as I should have, and Husband called Son downstairs. I could tell by his abrupt actions, his stomping around, and his clipped speech that he was mad. But he wasn't saying anything about it. So when we were brushing our teeth I asked him if he was mad about me not doing what I said I would do.
"Yes!" he said. "Don't sabotage me just because you're mad about something! I have to get to work on time!"
I was taken aback by the accusation that I was deliberately trying to mak him late. Simply put, I'm more mature than that.
"If you're upset about something I wish you'd say something about it," I said.
"So do I," he said. "If you're mad about something I think you should talk about it, and you know what I'm talking about."
Now I was pissed!
"If you mean that I should be talking about my angry feelings about you lying to me about drinking, I already told you I don't feel like I can talk about that without professional help!"
(Son was there, brushing his teeth with us, hearing all of this. Which I think is starting to be ok. He's old enough to see that adults in relationships have problems, and that it doesn't always have to be perfect.)
Then Husband said something that really shocked me. "I just want you to know that that promise I made about not drinking wasn't to you."
Denial? Maybe so. Last straw? Definitely.
I yelled back, "I don't care who you made that promise to! You lied to ME! When I asked you if you'd been drinking, you looked into my eyes and said no. You lied to ME!"
Two points for me! That's what progress looks like! (Arguing with a super-smart addict is definitely a workout in mental gymnastics.)
Of course he called 20 minutes later to apologize for being mad (after he'd already apologized at home, and I'd told him he didn't have to apologize for having feelings.) I told him that I don't need him to apologize for his feelings, that he's just saying what he thinks I expect to hear (I don't think anyone can be authentically sorry for having feelings. It's like being sorry for having skin.) and it just leads to resentment. I said that if he wants to apologize, he can apologize for accusing me of sabotaging him, and for trying to justify lying to me by saying that the promise he'd made hadn't been made to me. (I think I get two more points here, don't I?!) We went back and forth, and I let out a lot of my anger and held my ground. He did the things addicts do: apologies, feeling shame, saying he'd do anything to make it right, etc.
While I appreciate his desire to be contrite, and believe that he believes he's sorry, I don't value those words. Only his actions can guide me now. And that will take time. We'd built up a few years of fragile trust which he mangled with his lying about drinking 4 months ago. And, silly me, I felt we were recovering strongly from that. Now I don't know how long it will take before it feels right to trust him again. Too long to make it worth trying? I just don't know.
After all this, I still don't think it's totally hopeless. (Denial? Maybe so.) But it's going to require super-human effort on Husband's part for years to come and frankly I have my doubts. The Narcissist is strong in him, and he's terrified. I could see it in his eyes when we were arguing. Totally fight or flight. And for that, I have compassion. I really wish I could heal him. But I know I can't. He needs a power bonus to his Fortitude.
As an aside, I started listening to some Al-Anon podcasts, and I'm wondering if Husbands issues are also related to Adult Child of Alcoholics issues. He's used the phrase "walking on eggshells" many times to talk about how he felt with his mom, and feels with me. His mom is extremely mercurial, which must have been terrifying as a child. So I'll bet his anon issues are as strong as mine. In fact, the way he gives me so much power, I'm sure of it. I mentioned to him yesterday about the eggshells comments on the podcasts, and that ACA might be something he should check out. We'll see. That ball is now in his court.
In the meantime, I need to find an Al-Anon meeting for myself. I can tell from these podcasts that I have a lot of work I can do. And I need to get better at doing what I say I will do. Cleaning up my side of the street, as the wisdom goes.
He was finishing cooking breakfast and I was on my computer responding to some emails for work. He asked me to go upstairs and get Son out of bed for breakfast, which I said I'd do.
The inability to get off the computer when I say I will as a character flaw of mine. I didn't get off right away as I should have, and Husband called Son downstairs. I could tell by his abrupt actions, his stomping around, and his clipped speech that he was mad. But he wasn't saying anything about it. So when we were brushing our teeth I asked him if he was mad about me not doing what I said I would do.
"Yes!" he said. "Don't sabotage me just because you're mad about something! I have to get to work on time!"
I was taken aback by the accusation that I was deliberately trying to mak him late. Simply put, I'm more mature than that.
"If you're upset about something I wish you'd say something about it," I said.
"So do I," he said. "If you're mad about something I think you should talk about it, and you know what I'm talking about."
Now I was pissed!
"If you mean that I should be talking about my angry feelings about you lying to me about drinking, I already told you I don't feel like I can talk about that without professional help!"
(Son was there, brushing his teeth with us, hearing all of this. Which I think is starting to be ok. He's old enough to see that adults in relationships have problems, and that it doesn't always have to be perfect.)
Then Husband said something that really shocked me. "I just want you to know that that promise I made about not drinking wasn't to you."
Denial? Maybe so. Last straw? Definitely.
I yelled back, "I don't care who you made that promise to! You lied to ME! When I asked you if you'd been drinking, you looked into my eyes and said no. You lied to ME!"
Two points for me! That's what progress looks like! (Arguing with a super-smart addict is definitely a workout in mental gymnastics.)
Of course he called 20 minutes later to apologize for being mad (after he'd already apologized at home, and I'd told him he didn't have to apologize for having feelings.) I told him that I don't need him to apologize for his feelings, that he's just saying what he thinks I expect to hear (I don't think anyone can be authentically sorry for having feelings. It's like being sorry for having skin.) and it just leads to resentment. I said that if he wants to apologize, he can apologize for accusing me of sabotaging him, and for trying to justify lying to me by saying that the promise he'd made hadn't been made to me. (I think I get two more points here, don't I?!) We went back and forth, and I let out a lot of my anger and held my ground. He did the things addicts do: apologies, feeling shame, saying he'd do anything to make it right, etc.
While I appreciate his desire to be contrite, and believe that he believes he's sorry, I don't value those words. Only his actions can guide me now. And that will take time. We'd built up a few years of fragile trust which he mangled with his lying about drinking 4 months ago. And, silly me, I felt we were recovering strongly from that. Now I don't know how long it will take before it feels right to trust him again. Too long to make it worth trying? I just don't know.
After all this, I still don't think it's totally hopeless. (Denial? Maybe so.) But it's going to require super-human effort on Husband's part for years to come and frankly I have my doubts. The Narcissist is strong in him, and he's terrified. I could see it in his eyes when we were arguing. Totally fight or flight. And for that, I have compassion. I really wish I could heal him. But I know I can't. He needs a power bonus to his Fortitude.
As an aside, I started listening to some Al-Anon podcasts, and I'm wondering if Husbands issues are also related to Adult Child of Alcoholics issues. He's used the phrase "walking on eggshells" many times to talk about how he felt with his mom, and feels with me. His mom is extremely mercurial, which must have been terrifying as a child. So I'll bet his anon issues are as strong as mine. In fact, the way he gives me so much power, I'm sure of it. I mentioned to him yesterday about the eggshells comments on the podcasts, and that ACA might be something he should check out. We'll see. That ball is now in his court.
In the meantime, I need to find an Al-Anon meeting for myself. I can tell from these podcasts that I have a lot of work I can do. And I need to get better at doing what I say I will do. Cleaning up my side of the street, as the wisdom goes.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
I'm the idiot still married to a liar
Last weekend Son and I came home from Son's sports lesson to find Husband passed out drunk on the couch. Not great by any standard, but really fucking bad because Husband was supposedly not drinking because of the last time he'd been secretly drinking and lying to me about it.
Four months ago I spelled out for Husband again how painful it is for me to be lied to, how much damage it does to my ability to trust him, and how difficult it makes repairing our relationship. But husband is sick, and he's still not dealt with the things at the root of his sickness.
I've been trying to decide what to do now.
Instead of relying on only myself and withdrawing into problem solving in my head, I immediately called my three close girlfriends to get their perspective. They share my values, they all have kids (which gives me confidence that they understand my need for Son's well-being to be top priority,) they love both Husband and me and are mature enough not to take sides, and so I trust them to help bring clarity when there is too much fog on my path.
I can feel how much progress I've made in terms of boundaries, self-definition, and recognizing what's mine to deal with and Husband's to deal with. This weekend's incident brings into sharper focus where I still have work to do.
Husband lies to me for two reasons: He feels entitled to the things he does that he thinks I disapprove of him doing. And he's afraid of my response, my anger, disdain, or disappointment, if he does something I don't like. I've taken this as reasonable. Of course someone might lie if they're afraid of the consequences - afraid of losing something they value. And this is where my sickness comes in.
Living with somebody who is willing to lie costs me dearly in ways that are not immediately evident. Just like last time, I thought something was off. He'd come home smelling like alcohol after work sometimes. I even asked him about it once or twice and instead of getting defensive like I worried he might, he'd smile warmly and say "no, I haven't." Then I'd apologize for asking. But mostly I wouldn't ask, because I knew he was working hard, because he is a great dad and partner, because he is a good person, and because he'd made a promise to me after hearing clearly how much it hurt me to be lied to and hearing my explicit request for total honesty between us. I was sure I could trust him.
So what I did was I readily, willingly negated myself, my sense of smell, my concerns, my ability to protect myself - I negated my own thoughts and instincts - in order to believe and give the benefit of the doubt to someone who has a history of repeatedly lying to me.
Ah, the river Denial. It's depressing and embarrassing to be floating on your waters after five years of hard work. To be making this mistake, to still find blind spots (chasms?) with regard to my co-dependency. After all the progress I feel like I've made. I guess humility is part of this growth opportunity as well.
I'd stopped going to my weekly meetings because things were on an even keel. I was feeling closer and more loving and accepting toward Husband each day. Work was demanding, and I wanted to be sure to have time with Son while he still wants to spend time with me. So I let my meetings slide.
Lesson #1 (again): If I want to change lifelong patterns I'm going to need ongoing support - even after I feel like I've conquered those patterns. Five years is not enough practice to master the unlearning of behavior I've cultivated over a lifetime. Anon meetings need to be a regular part of my life. Maybe forever. (Ugh. I don't want to accept that.)
Lesson #2: Trust myself above all else. This is part of self-definition. I WILL SAY if things seem okay to me, and not rely on others to say that things are ok. And I will not trust known liars, no matter how repentant they are or what kinds of promises they make.
Lesson #3: Trust actions, not words. Promises mean shit. Actions are what make the difference. I know Husband loves me, he says he loves me, and his actions make him a great dad and partner to raise a child with. But his actions DON'T make him a good adult relationship partner, no matter what he says, how sorry he is, how different he wishes things were.
When Husband disappeared after our argument about his drinking this weekend and Son started asking where Daddy was I couldn't make up a story - I couldn't lie to Son. I didn't know where Husband was or when (if) he'd be coming back. So asked Son if he remembered how we'd talked about addiction and alcoholism in relation to drinking. He said yes, and I told him that Daddy actually had that problem, and that when we'd come home Daddy was passed out from being drunk. I told him that Daddy had been secretly drinking and lying to me about it. And that we'd had an argument and I didn't know where Daddy was but that he'd probably gone for a walk and would probably be back.
I've been not telling Son about any of our issues for the last five years. But I felt like the ground had been laid for a relatively frank discussion, and I wasn't going to lie to Son and break the trust in our relationship to cover up for Husband. I kept a positive tone, told Son that Daddy and I would be working on these issues. He seemed sad, and wanted time to himself. I let him know that Daddy was still the same Daddy and that we both loved him and that we could talk about anything whenever he wanted. I asked if he had any questions or concerns or worries. We talked a bit more and then he went up to his room "to think about things and listen to my story." (He loves to listen to stories on the iPod.) I asked him if he wanted to call any of his friends for support. "Not yet," he said.
I'm trying to get to a therapist to help me work out my next steps. If it was just me I'd throw in the towel, but I want to do the best I can to work on our issues for Son's sake. But Son is old enough now and has enough emotional maturity and enough tools to handle what may come with support from Husband and me, and professionals if necessary. And I don't want to set the example that betrayal is trivial.
And another thing worth noting is that because Husband is willing to lie, I can't be sure that there aren't other things he's lying about as well. I don't think there are, but this is where Lesson #3 above comes into play, right?
Thinking about the input I've received from friends and from my Anon meeting, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to say that this is the last time. I'm willing to continue to work, but if husband lies to me, deceives me, betrays my trust again I'm going to get a divorce. That is really scary, because it's giving up a lot. Husband is a wonderful father, a great partner in many ways, a relatively responsible provider, he loves me, he's my champion, he's smart and warm and funny, he only wants the best for me. But I think sacrificing my Self in order to keep the positive things I get out of having Husband in my life is not going to turn out well for me. Living with lies confuses my relationship with the core of myself. It doesn't feel like a good thing to do because it requires not trusting myself. I have to write this here so that I have a plan to refer to if the going gets rough.
I am trying to hang on to the life I want, but the truth is I just don't have it and I never did. A hard thing to process at 47 years old. Another thing I don't want to accept.
God...please, please, please...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, help me find the courage to get the support I need to change the things I can, and help me hold on to the clarity and the wisdom to know the difference.
I don't feel that clear right now.
Four months ago I spelled out for Husband again how painful it is for me to be lied to, how much damage it does to my ability to trust him, and how difficult it makes repairing our relationship. But husband is sick, and he's still not dealt with the things at the root of his sickness.
I've been trying to decide what to do now.
Instead of relying on only myself and withdrawing into problem solving in my head, I immediately called my three close girlfriends to get their perspective. They share my values, they all have kids (which gives me confidence that they understand my need for Son's well-being to be top priority,) they love both Husband and me and are mature enough not to take sides, and so I trust them to help bring clarity when there is too much fog on my path.
I can feel how much progress I've made in terms of boundaries, self-definition, and recognizing what's mine to deal with and Husband's to deal with. This weekend's incident brings into sharper focus where I still have work to do.
Husband lies to me for two reasons: He feels entitled to the things he does that he thinks I disapprove of him doing. And he's afraid of my response, my anger, disdain, or disappointment, if he does something I don't like. I've taken this as reasonable. Of course someone might lie if they're afraid of the consequences - afraid of losing something they value. And this is where my sickness comes in.
Living with somebody who is willing to lie costs me dearly in ways that are not immediately evident. Just like last time, I thought something was off. He'd come home smelling like alcohol after work sometimes. I even asked him about it once or twice and instead of getting defensive like I worried he might, he'd smile warmly and say "no, I haven't." Then I'd apologize for asking. But mostly I wouldn't ask, because I knew he was working hard, because he is a great dad and partner, because he is a good person, and because he'd made a promise to me after hearing clearly how much it hurt me to be lied to and hearing my explicit request for total honesty between us. I was sure I could trust him.
So what I did was I readily, willingly negated myself, my sense of smell, my concerns, my ability to protect myself - I negated my own thoughts and instincts - in order to believe and give the benefit of the doubt to someone who has a history of repeatedly lying to me.
Ah, the river Denial. It's depressing and embarrassing to be floating on your waters after five years of hard work. To be making this mistake, to still find blind spots (chasms?) with regard to my co-dependency. After all the progress I feel like I've made. I guess humility is part of this growth opportunity as well.
I'd stopped going to my weekly meetings because things were on an even keel. I was feeling closer and more loving and accepting toward Husband each day. Work was demanding, and I wanted to be sure to have time with Son while he still wants to spend time with me. So I let my meetings slide.
Lesson #1 (again): If I want to change lifelong patterns I'm going to need ongoing support - even after I feel like I've conquered those patterns. Five years is not enough practice to master the unlearning of behavior I've cultivated over a lifetime. Anon meetings need to be a regular part of my life. Maybe forever. (Ugh. I don't want to accept that.)
Lesson #2: Trust myself above all else. This is part of self-definition. I WILL SAY if things seem okay to me, and not rely on others to say that things are ok. And I will not trust known liars, no matter how repentant they are or what kinds of promises they make.
Lesson #3: Trust actions, not words. Promises mean shit. Actions are what make the difference. I know Husband loves me, he says he loves me, and his actions make him a great dad and partner to raise a child with. But his actions DON'T make him a good adult relationship partner, no matter what he says, how sorry he is, how different he wishes things were.
When Husband disappeared after our argument about his drinking this weekend and Son started asking where Daddy was I couldn't make up a story - I couldn't lie to Son. I didn't know where Husband was or when (if) he'd be coming back. So asked Son if he remembered how we'd talked about addiction and alcoholism in relation to drinking. He said yes, and I told him that Daddy actually had that problem, and that when we'd come home Daddy was passed out from being drunk. I told him that Daddy had been secretly drinking and lying to me about it. And that we'd had an argument and I didn't know where Daddy was but that he'd probably gone for a walk and would probably be back.
I've been not telling Son about any of our issues for the last five years. But I felt like the ground had been laid for a relatively frank discussion, and I wasn't going to lie to Son and break the trust in our relationship to cover up for Husband. I kept a positive tone, told Son that Daddy and I would be working on these issues. He seemed sad, and wanted time to himself. I let him know that Daddy was still the same Daddy and that we both loved him and that we could talk about anything whenever he wanted. I asked if he had any questions or concerns or worries. We talked a bit more and then he went up to his room "to think about things and listen to my story." (He loves to listen to stories on the iPod.) I asked him if he wanted to call any of his friends for support. "Not yet," he said.
I'm trying to get to a therapist to help me work out my next steps. If it was just me I'd throw in the towel, but I want to do the best I can to work on our issues for Son's sake. But Son is old enough now and has enough emotional maturity and enough tools to handle what may come with support from Husband and me, and professionals if necessary. And I don't want to set the example that betrayal is trivial.
And another thing worth noting is that because Husband is willing to lie, I can't be sure that there aren't other things he's lying about as well. I don't think there are, but this is where Lesson #3 above comes into play, right?
Thinking about the input I've received from friends and from my Anon meeting, I'm pretty sure I'm ready to say that this is the last time. I'm willing to continue to work, but if husband lies to me, deceives me, betrays my trust again I'm going to get a divorce. That is really scary, because it's giving up a lot. Husband is a wonderful father, a great partner in many ways, a relatively responsible provider, he loves me, he's my champion, he's smart and warm and funny, he only wants the best for me. But I think sacrificing my Self in order to keep the positive things I get out of having Husband in my life is not going to turn out well for me. Living with lies confuses my relationship with the core of myself. It doesn't feel like a good thing to do because it requires not trusting myself. I have to write this here so that I have a plan to refer to if the going gets rough.
I am trying to hang on to the life I want, but the truth is I just don't have it and I never did. A hard thing to process at 47 years old. Another thing I don't want to accept.
God...please, please, please...grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, help me find the courage to get the support I need to change the things I can, and help me hold on to the clarity and the wisdom to know the difference.
I don't feel that clear right now.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Looking back with gratitude and forward with anticipation
I heard a great quote in my meeting last night: "I feel like a ping pong ball, and I don't know what the paddle is. But something keeps hitting me!" I remember that feeling.
I remember hearing about boundaries, relationship-with-self, self-validation and similar things in the early weeks and months after I found out about Husband's sex addiction. But I had little idea what those things looked like in real life, no understanding of how to start practicing them, and no idea where to get that information. After reading and asking around, I was still confused about where to begin. So I decided to start by asking myself once simple question: What do I need to feel safe, peaceful, and serene?
The follow-up to that was what can I do that is within my control to make sure I create safety, peace and serenity for myself?
The things that are within my control are the boundaries I set, and the consequences I enforce when they are broken.
Consequences must not be confused with punishment.
I found that once I started to set boundaries about what I needed to feel safe, "I" started to emerge. I began to have more of an understanding of and relationship with myself - and a better ability to define and validate myself, rather than relying on the judgements and evaluations of others to understand myself and my place in the world.
I don't feel like a ping pong ball anymore. I feel more grounded and secure in who I am than I ever have in my life. That's what I've gotten out of discovering my husband's sex addiction. And there are so many stories like mine, so many stories of recovery and hope from so many who've resisted the temptation, one day at a time, to run, fix, or control others when it felt as if their worlds had exploded into a million unrecognizable shards.
Looking back, I'm grateful for all those who have shared my journey thus far. Looking forward, I'm excited about all the things that are possible for us that weren't possible before.
I remember hearing about boundaries, relationship-with-self, self-validation and similar things in the early weeks and months after I found out about Husband's sex addiction. But I had little idea what those things looked like in real life, no understanding of how to start practicing them, and no idea where to get that information. After reading and asking around, I was still confused about where to begin. So I decided to start by asking myself once simple question: What do I need to feel safe, peaceful, and serene?
The follow-up to that was what can I do that is within my control to make sure I create safety, peace and serenity for myself?
The things that are within my control are the boundaries I set, and the consequences I enforce when they are broken.
Consequences must not be confused with punishment.
- I define a consequence as an action I will take if my boundaries are disregarded to change something that is within my control, resulting in a greater sense of peace and serenity for me.
- I define a punishment as an action I would take in order to change someone else's behavior when they aren't doing what they should be doing.
I found that once I started to set boundaries about what I needed to feel safe, "I" started to emerge. I began to have more of an understanding of and relationship with myself - and a better ability to define and validate myself, rather than relying on the judgements and evaluations of others to understand myself and my place in the world.
I don't feel like a ping pong ball anymore. I feel more grounded and secure in who I am than I ever have in my life. That's what I've gotten out of discovering my husband's sex addiction. And there are so many stories like mine, so many stories of recovery and hope from so many who've resisted the temptation, one day at a time, to run, fix, or control others when it felt as if their worlds had exploded into a million unrecognizable shards.
Looking back, I'm grateful for all those who have shared my journey thus far. Looking forward, I'm excited about all the things that are possible for us that weren't possible before.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Family of origin and self esteem issues
On Wednesday nights, Son and I usually go to a hobby group together. Sometimes Husband joins, and sometimes Son and Husband go without me.
Husband is working late tonight, as he has been of late with his still-new job. So Son and I have gotten into a routine of meeting my mom for dinner before our hobby group.
I'd stayed up too late last night (watching Battlestar Galactica in bed on my iPad!,) gotten up early, and had a long day. As we waited for the check, Mom asked how my day was and I mentioned that I was pretty bushed. She thoughtfully offered to go to hobby group with Son. Since she'd accompanied him a few times before I didn't think he'd mind.
But when I told him Mom was going with him instead of me, he began to protest and continued to beg me to go as we made our way to the parking lot. I was surprised, and torn because as we approach the end of Son's single digit birthdays, I have a limited number of such opportunities left.
He continued to cling to me and whine (not too passionately, but stubbornly nonetheless.)
My mom absolutely couldn't tolerate it.
As I listened to Son's faux-whining and gave further consideration to my decision, she immediately tried to shut him down - I think in my defense, although I hadn't asked to be defended.
"It's okay, Mom, he just wants me to go with him," I said, soaking in the feeling of Son's arms wrapped around me in his attempt to obstruct my progress toward departure. But she kept offering alternatives and telling him to stop being upset.
I quickly lost my patience and told her the conversation was between me and Son, and to stop involving herself in a discussion that didn't involve her.
And then came the truly astonishing, revealing part of the conversation:
She doesn't understand that she was trying to make him feel guilty for wanting me to come with him to hobby group, and she doesn't get the concept that she's teaching him to feel responsible for everything that happens in the world.
If you want your mother to come with you to hobby group when she's tired, and then she does, and then she has an accident, it will be your fault for begging her to go.
She can't see that she's teaching him to try to anticipate how things will turn out and then shape his desires, needs and feelings around that, as if anyone can really anticipate the future.
She can't grasp that she's telling him that he has the power to keep his mother alive by not expressing what he wants in that moment.
No wonder I've lived most of my life unable to validate my feelings, needs and desires in a healthy way.
No wonder I feel responsible for things beyond my control, and believe deep down that if I'm just fill-in-the-blank-enough, all bad things will be averted (and then conversely if they're not averted, that some failure on my part must be the cause.)
It further amazes me that until recently I would have been unable to even recognize the unhealthy dynamic transpiring.
Aside from explaining my particular fucked-up-ness, this interaction is a succinct illustration of the fact that people who love you can mess you up just as much as people who don't love you.
Being really exhausted and knowing I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow, I told Son I really wanted to go home this time, and that I'd go with him next week for sure.
"Oh, fine!" he harrumphed, assuming a mildly British accent. "And you're going to make me late, woman!" (One of the many things I cherish about Son is his keen sense of humor.)
As we parted I called out to my son, "Don't let your Grandmother make you feel guilty!"
And then I turned to my mom. "Thanks, Mom."
"Well get some sleep!" she said. "And don't forget to get gas!"
Ackkkk!!!
God! Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!
Courage to change the things I can!
And the wisdom to know the difference!
Quick!!!
Husband is working late tonight, as he has been of late with his still-new job. So Son and I have gotten into a routine of meeting my mom for dinner before our hobby group.
I'd stayed up too late last night (watching Battlestar Galactica in bed on my iPad!,) gotten up early, and had a long day. As we waited for the check, Mom asked how my day was and I mentioned that I was pretty bushed. She thoughtfully offered to go to hobby group with Son. Since she'd accompanied him a few times before I didn't think he'd mind.
But when I told him Mom was going with him instead of me, he began to protest and continued to beg me to go as we made our way to the parking lot. I was surprised, and torn because as we approach the end of Son's single digit birthdays, I have a limited number of such opportunities left.
He continued to cling to me and whine (not too passionately, but stubbornly nonetheless.)
My mom absolutely couldn't tolerate it.
As I listened to Son's faux-whining and gave further consideration to my decision, she immediately tried to shut him down - I think in my defense, although I hadn't asked to be defended.
"It's okay, Mom, he just wants me to go with him," I said, soaking in the feeling of Son's arms wrapped around me in his attempt to obstruct my progress toward departure. But she kept offering alternatives and telling him to stop being upset.
I quickly lost my patience and told her the conversation was between me and Son, and to stop involving herself in a discussion that didn't involve her.
And then came the truly astonishing, revealing part of the conversation:
Son: You have to go, and that's that!Oh my god, how instantly she can transport us to another universe!
Mom: Stop that! She said she's tired. Do you want her to drive while she's tired and get into an accident?
Me: Mom!! Stop trying to make him feel guilty!! Stop trying to make him feel responsible for things that he's not responsible for!
Mom: Well he has to know the circumstances!
Me: But that's COMPLETELY MADE UP!!! That hasn't happened, and it's not going to happen!But she couldn't see it.
She doesn't understand that she was trying to make him feel guilty for wanting me to come with him to hobby group, and she doesn't get the concept that she's teaching him to feel responsible for everything that happens in the world.
If you want your mother to come with you to hobby group when she's tired, and then she does, and then she has an accident, it will be your fault for begging her to go.
She can't see that she's teaching him to try to anticipate how things will turn out and then shape his desires, needs and feelings around that, as if anyone can really anticipate the future.
She can't grasp that she's telling him that he has the power to keep his mother alive by not expressing what he wants in that moment.
No wonder I've lived most of my life unable to validate my feelings, needs and desires in a healthy way.
No wonder I feel responsible for things beyond my control, and believe deep down that if I'm just fill-in-the-blank-enough, all bad things will be averted (and then conversely if they're not averted, that some failure on my part must be the cause.)
It further amazes me that until recently I would have been unable to even recognize the unhealthy dynamic transpiring.
Aside from explaining my particular fucked-up-ness, this interaction is a succinct illustration of the fact that people who love you can mess you up just as much as people who don't love you.
Being really exhausted and knowing I have a full day ahead of me tomorrow, I told Son I really wanted to go home this time, and that I'd go with him next week for sure.
"Oh, fine!" he harrumphed, assuming a mildly British accent. "And you're going to make me late, woman!" (One of the many things I cherish about Son is his keen sense of humor.)
As we parted I called out to my son, "Don't let your Grandmother make you feel guilty!"
And then I turned to my mom. "Thanks, Mom."
"Well get some sleep!" she said. "And don't forget to get gas!"
Ackkkk!!!
God! Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change!
Courage to change the things I can!
And the wisdom to know the difference!
Quick!!!
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Addicts lie. Now what?
We went to a benefit for Son's school last weekend, and as soon as we got there Husband ordered a double scotch on the rocks.
Okay. It's Saturday, it's a party. You're not an alcoholic in recovery. Fine.
I think Husband drinks too much, and he knows that. The addict / narcissist in him feels justified on some level, and he is annoyed by my (in his words) judgment of his tendency.
A short while later, I decide to have a drink, too, and we head to the bar to get me something. Husband orders another double.
"You're getting another one?" I ask. "That's eight bucks a shot, you know."
"I know," he says with an annoyed look on his face.
"So we paid $150 at the door, and now we've spent $40 on alcohol." Even though we have two incomes now, the financial hole we dug still leaves us essentially paycheck to paycheck. I assumed maybe we'd each have one cocktail, hang out to be supportive of the cause, and get out the door early.
I should have been clear and stated my concern outright, instead of implying it. I should have said, "I don't think we have the budget to buy any more drinks." But I didn't. My bad for passing on direct communication. I don't want to be the parent or police in our relationship. And so often in the moment I'll make my displeasure known, but not make a direct request or set a boundary. I'm getting better at this, but there's still work for me to do.
About an hour later toward the end of the event, I saw Husband with another drink in hand.
"How many of those have you had?"
"Two." he replied.
"This is the same one you had before?" I asked, feeling bad for making the assumption that he'd continued to buy $16 doubles after I'd expressed my concern about it. (A common experience of partners of addicts - that feeling that you've done something wrong by questioning the addict's questionable behavior.)
"Yes," he said. I gave him a hug, and a "good job" for making it last.
But I had a sneaking suspicion just the same. So yesterday I checked the bank account and sure enough, the charge to our card was much more than it should have been had he been telling me the truth.
Last night I asked him about it. He tried to spin it, but finally admitted that he'd deliberately lied to me about how many drinks he'd bought.
"I didn't want to get in trouble," he explained.
He knew as well as I the flaw in that thinking. But I spelled out for him that trust is a large, critical piece of true intimacy, and that the options are that he get help for this fear of getting in trouble, because I won't accept the role of scary mommy in our marriage, or we figure out how to gracefully end our relationship.
I can fake it as part of the work toward making it, but don't want to fake it if the situation feels hopeless because I can't perpetuate that lie to my son. That would be as big a betrayal as my husband's lies to me. I've been willing to work hard while doing my best to keep our grown-up issues between me and Husband, so that Son can feel secure in our family unit. But that's been because I've been working toward authentic intimacy with the feeling that it's possible. If I pretend to my son that we have an Ozzie and Harriet relationship when I feel hopeless and firmly disconnected in the relationship, that's gone from keeping grown-up issues between grown-ups to lying to Son about what healthy relationships are, how they work, and what they look like. I'm not willing to do that.
This lie is a huge setback for the state of our relationship.
Lying about a cocktail is the same as lying about a prostitute. It is a firm indicator that Husband is an unsafe person to be vulnerable with. This does not do much for the intimacy quotient in our marriage.
In addition to the general numbness I'm experiencing, I know I have a lot of feelings.
I feel disrespected. He took the cowardly way out and lied to me because it was better for him. What about for me? What about the trust I've been trying with all my fucking might to develop? Ask me to trust you and then lie to me AGAIN? That's not what I want from a partner, nor will I continue to accept it.
For whatever reason (and I've met his mother so I'm sure he has good ones,) he gives me this power and won't man up and take responsibility for his actions, won't jump into conflict with me. I get that it's difficult because I'm a major conflict avoider, too. But I've been working hard at taking risks and communicating without knowing what the result will be, and without sacrificing saying what needs to be said to avoid negative outcomes.
I feel hurt. Aren't I worthy of basic respect and truthfulness? Don't you value me and our relationship enough to tell me the truth? Because, regardless of whether you lie out of malice or fear, the impact on me is THE SAME! I feel kicked in the stomach, I feel like you don't value me, I feel betrayed by someone I'm trying hard to trust, I feel like it's not safe to love you, I begin to wonder if trusting anyone at all is a joke.
I feel disconnected. Safety mechanism, and I know it. It's also a consequence. Trust is EARNED. So he has work to do if he wants that from me.
I feel sad. This is not what I want. I don't want a relationship that feels 75%. I want trust, intimacy, respect. I'm willing to go through hard stuff. I don't expect him to be perfect. But I do expect him to respect my boundaries. DON'T LIE TO ME is not an unreasonable boundary. If it feels too demanding to him, he's married to the wrong person.
I'm fucking angry. WHY is it easy to lie to me? WHY does he choose to do that? WHY did I end up with a self-righteous asshole with narcissistic tendencies? WHY is he so fucked up? WHY doesn't he treat me like like a valuable gift? WHY is he afraid of me? I have a lot of questions like this that I'm angry about. And I know the answers to many of them. But knowing the answers doesn't help right now. I'm pissed.
The hard thing is that I actually like Husband. There are lots of things I love and value about him. Maybe we should just be good friends. That way we'd have less at stake with each other, I'd have the distance to protect my mental and emotional health from his lying, and he'd probably have no reason to lie to me. I wouldn't have to worry about sex (because frankly, sex with Husband when I can't get to intimacy is fine at best, but often echoes with emptiness which is painful when compared to how I know sex with him used to be.)
So we did talk about all of this last night. And we're going back to therapy. He to his sex-addiction group, and us to couples therapy with a sex-addiction specialist. And he still goes to SA and OA meetings (although many by phone now.)
I'm willing to keep trying because at the bottom of this, Husband is a wonderful person - smart, funny, creative, gentle, compassionate, thoughtful, a fantastic, loving dad. He's fucked up by his fear, and I know it.
But I'm not willing to continue trying if I don't see progress. He needs to become willing to "get in trouble" with me and see where that goes, or I'm going to have to figure out a plan B.
Because this is my promise to myself: I will not stay in a relationship with someone who isn't capable of being truthful.
This is a hard one, since because of our history there is little room in my mind or tolerance in my heart for even little white lies that many couples use to smooth out the sometimes dangerous, frightening and rocky road of a long-term relationship. But complete integrity around truthfulness is what I need to feel safe in this relationship. I don't expect perfect, but expect him to have the courage to choose to respond to his fear differently, and to call himself out when he makes a mistake, rather than to feel relieved that he escaped his mother's wrath, and satisfied by that. Our willingness to have courage in the face of fear will create a path toward restored trust.
I still believe there's hope, because Husband's willing to dive in and work this issue head-on. And I have work to do, too, because right now I can feel that I'm very disengaged.
And I know we can only make progress if we're both willing.
Okay. It's Saturday, it's a party. You're not an alcoholic in recovery. Fine.
I think Husband drinks too much, and he knows that. The addict / narcissist in him feels justified on some level, and he is annoyed by my (in his words) judgment of his tendency.
A short while later, I decide to have a drink, too, and we head to the bar to get me something. Husband orders another double.
"You're getting another one?" I ask. "That's eight bucks a shot, you know."
"I know," he says with an annoyed look on his face.
"So we paid $150 at the door, and now we've spent $40 on alcohol." Even though we have two incomes now, the financial hole we dug still leaves us essentially paycheck to paycheck. I assumed maybe we'd each have one cocktail, hang out to be supportive of the cause, and get out the door early.
I should have been clear and stated my concern outright, instead of implying it. I should have said, "I don't think we have the budget to buy any more drinks." But I didn't. My bad for passing on direct communication. I don't want to be the parent or police in our relationship. And so often in the moment I'll make my displeasure known, but not make a direct request or set a boundary. I'm getting better at this, but there's still work for me to do.
About an hour later toward the end of the event, I saw Husband with another drink in hand.
"How many of those have you had?"
"Two." he replied.
"This is the same one you had before?" I asked, feeling bad for making the assumption that he'd continued to buy $16 doubles after I'd expressed my concern about it. (A common experience of partners of addicts - that feeling that you've done something wrong by questioning the addict's questionable behavior.)
"Yes," he said. I gave him a hug, and a "good job" for making it last.
But I had a sneaking suspicion just the same. So yesterday I checked the bank account and sure enough, the charge to our card was much more than it should have been had he been telling me the truth.
Last night I asked him about it. He tried to spin it, but finally admitted that he'd deliberately lied to me about how many drinks he'd bought.
"I didn't want to get in trouble," he explained.
He knew as well as I the flaw in that thinking. But I spelled out for him that trust is a large, critical piece of true intimacy, and that the options are that he get help for this fear of getting in trouble, because I won't accept the role of scary mommy in our marriage, or we figure out how to gracefully end our relationship.
I can fake it as part of the work toward making it, but don't want to fake it if the situation feels hopeless because I can't perpetuate that lie to my son. That would be as big a betrayal as my husband's lies to me. I've been willing to work hard while doing my best to keep our grown-up issues between me and Husband, so that Son can feel secure in our family unit. But that's been because I've been working toward authentic intimacy with the feeling that it's possible. If I pretend to my son that we have an Ozzie and Harriet relationship when I feel hopeless and firmly disconnected in the relationship, that's gone from keeping grown-up issues between grown-ups to lying to Son about what healthy relationships are, how they work, and what they look like. I'm not willing to do that.
This lie is a huge setback for the state of our relationship.
Lying about a cocktail is the same as lying about a prostitute. It is a firm indicator that Husband is an unsafe person to be vulnerable with. This does not do much for the intimacy quotient in our marriage.
In addition to the general numbness I'm experiencing, I know I have a lot of feelings.
I feel disrespected. He took the cowardly way out and lied to me because it was better for him. What about for me? What about the trust I've been trying with all my fucking might to develop? Ask me to trust you and then lie to me AGAIN? That's not what I want from a partner, nor will I continue to accept it.
For whatever reason (and I've met his mother so I'm sure he has good ones,) he gives me this power and won't man up and take responsibility for his actions, won't jump into conflict with me. I get that it's difficult because I'm a major conflict avoider, too. But I've been working hard at taking risks and communicating without knowing what the result will be, and without sacrificing saying what needs to be said to avoid negative outcomes.
I feel hurt. Aren't I worthy of basic respect and truthfulness? Don't you value me and our relationship enough to tell me the truth? Because, regardless of whether you lie out of malice or fear, the impact on me is THE SAME! I feel kicked in the stomach, I feel like you don't value me, I feel betrayed by someone I'm trying hard to trust, I feel like it's not safe to love you, I begin to wonder if trusting anyone at all is a joke.
I feel disconnected. Safety mechanism, and I know it. It's also a consequence. Trust is EARNED. So he has work to do if he wants that from me.
I feel sad. This is not what I want. I don't want a relationship that feels 75%. I want trust, intimacy, respect. I'm willing to go through hard stuff. I don't expect him to be perfect. But I do expect him to respect my boundaries. DON'T LIE TO ME is not an unreasonable boundary. If it feels too demanding to him, he's married to the wrong person.
I'm fucking angry. WHY is it easy to lie to me? WHY does he choose to do that? WHY did I end up with a self-righteous asshole with narcissistic tendencies? WHY is he so fucked up? WHY doesn't he treat me like like a valuable gift? WHY is he afraid of me? I have a lot of questions like this that I'm angry about. And I know the answers to many of them. But knowing the answers doesn't help right now. I'm pissed.
The hard thing is that I actually like Husband. There are lots of things I love and value about him. Maybe we should just be good friends. That way we'd have less at stake with each other, I'd have the distance to protect my mental and emotional health from his lying, and he'd probably have no reason to lie to me. I wouldn't have to worry about sex (because frankly, sex with Husband when I can't get to intimacy is fine at best, but often echoes with emptiness which is painful when compared to how I know sex with him used to be.)
So we did talk about all of this last night. And we're going back to therapy. He to his sex-addiction group, and us to couples therapy with a sex-addiction specialist. And he still goes to SA and OA meetings (although many by phone now.)
I'm willing to keep trying because at the bottom of this, Husband is a wonderful person - smart, funny, creative, gentle, compassionate, thoughtful, a fantastic, loving dad. He's fucked up by his fear, and I know it.
But I'm not willing to continue trying if I don't see progress. He needs to become willing to "get in trouble" with me and see where that goes, or I'm going to have to figure out a plan B.
Because this is my promise to myself: I will not stay in a relationship with someone who isn't capable of being truthful.
This is a hard one, since because of our history there is little room in my mind or tolerance in my heart for even little white lies that many couples use to smooth out the sometimes dangerous, frightening and rocky road of a long-term relationship. But complete integrity around truthfulness is what I need to feel safe in this relationship. I don't expect perfect, but expect him to have the courage to choose to respond to his fear differently, and to call himself out when he makes a mistake, rather than to feel relieved that he escaped his mother's wrath, and satisfied by that. Our willingness to have courage in the face of fear will create a path toward restored trust.
I still believe there's hope, because Husband's willing to dive in and work this issue head-on. And I have work to do, too, because right now I can feel that I'm very disengaged.
And I know we can only make progress if we're both willing.
"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than one's fear. The timid presume it is lack of fear that allows the brave to act when the timid do not. But to take action when one is not afraid is easy. To refrain when afraid is also easy. To take action regardless of fear is brave."
— Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon, from No Peaceful Warriors!
— Ambrose Hollingworth Redmoon, from No Peaceful Warriors!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
A useful distinction
I made a useful distinction today that I don't want to forget: Taking responsibility for others lives leads to pain and frustration, while taking responsibility for one's self is liberating and empowering.
Boy, I wish I'd realized that 40 years ago.
Boy, I wish I'd realized that 40 years ago.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Getting my ass kicked by opportunity (AFGO)
I'd had a long day yesterday and was pretty exhausted by the time we went out with a group of friends to dinner and a movie. The movie was an action comedy, and I really loved it. But sitting beside Husband watching the awkward teen sex scenes that were supposed to be funny made be a little uncomfortable. The crazy part of my brain couldn't help but wonder if he was finding those scenes hot or arousing. While they may be funny, I don't find sex scenes between people who could be my children sexually arousing. It feels inappropriate, not sexy. But I think Husband's animal brain still responds to this kind of visual stimulation and switches his other faculties to their low-function setting. And of course seared in my memory is his description of one of the prostitutes he had sex with (written for the prostitute review site he frequented) as having the ass of an 18 year old soccer player. Creepy factor aside, not the easiest thing for a 40-something year old woman who's always had body image issues to come to terms with.
As we were walking back to the car after the movie, I glanced across the street and noticed a tall, Jessica Simpson-type blond in a short skirt crossing the street. And I noticed Husband noticing her, too. I see attractive men out in the world every day, but I don't have the automatic response that I think husband has to attractive women. I'm sure there are plenty of biological explanations for this. But when it comes down to it, what I perceive (true or not) pushes my self-doubt buttons.
Now, Husband is a mid-40s, overweight, bespectacled, unemployed guy with thinning hair. Under a certain amount of bravado, he's shy and self-conscious. It's not like he's got hot young women trailing after him waiting to pounce the instant I look the other way. So why does husband's response to other women fill me with dread? Because it confirms my fears that I'm not sufficient. The nagging, absolutist rule I have in my head is that if Husband was satisfied with me, if I was good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, talented enough - if I was enough, no other woman could turn his head, no matter how much cleavage she was baring, or how young and hot she looked.
Why do I care if Husband thinks I'm good enough? I don't think it's him that I'm worried about. I think I'm afraid I'll confirm definitively that, as I've suspected all along, I'm not good enough. Not just not-good-enough for Husband, but Not Good Enough, period. Like a fact, a truth, an indisputable law of nature.
I don't measure up and when the real opportunity for something better comes along I'll be discarded.
As a matter of fact, when I was raking through this muck this morning, I was actually wondering (again) if Husband had settled for me because he got me. If he so lacked the confidence to go out and get what he really wanted (a hot blond) that he settled for me because I fell in love with and idolized him. Husband's college girlfriend, who he described the other day to a friend as "really beautiful" was blond. So were a lot of the prostitutes (though not all) that he picked, Chinese menu style, from that prostitute review and booking site.
It's a yukky place to go to, this corner of my mind. But sometimes I find myself here anyway.
This morning I went onto Husband's computer to Google something and, shovel in hand, still digging in this ditch, ended up looking at his web history. I found that he'd looked at about 10 pictures from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue this month.
What the fuck?! What business does he have looking at these basically naked, very young women splayed out and pouting, offering the promise of their bodies to all the drooling Sports Illustrated slobs? What other purpose could there be aside from satisfying that insatiable, uncontrollable part of himself that can't help but feel entitled to gorge himself on this kind of pathetic shit?
My own animal brain kicked in: I have to confront him. Demand to know why he's done this. Find out if he discussed the incident with his sponsor. But most important of all, I have to be prepared. Prepared to surgically cut him out and move on.
I could feel my insides going into lockdown, things slamming shut and hardening. It felt good, because it felt empowering. I want to protect myself. I want to be invincible. I want to kill before I get killed.
But for some reason, when I go into this mode now, the cost never escapes me. I could feel myself going places I know I don't want to go.
It was a good time to take a few deep breaths, and try to look evenly at the facts.
It was an isolated incident. He looked at only a small selection of the 45 photos that were available. He didn't go from there to any other gawking at women. He hadn't spent the day, or even any significant amount of time looking at these pictures. And he hadn't looked at any other pictures of women online (at least on this computer) this month or last. This incident was clearly a different pattern from what he'd done in the past when he was deeply involved in his addiction.
I want Husband to be perfect, and and he's not. But he's far from what he used to be regarding his compulsive sexual behavior: Completely lacking self-awareness, deluded, full of himself, resentful, angry, sarcastic and in denial.
I still feel my anger churning now. But I can see it's because of the things that are here for me to be with, to learn, to absorb: Most things that can kill me (literally and figuratively) are beyond my control. My self-worth is still so defined by how much I think others value me. I have a long way to go in learning how to value myself. I am full of self-loathing and doubt that are easily triggered. And I'm afraid, afraid, afraid - afraid that because I'm not good enough I'll cease to matter to people I trust and love. (I can see how crazy and inaccurate this is with my logical mind, but I think that's as close as I can come to identifying the feeling I have right now.) Feeling like a consolation prize is very frightening for me. I think because I feel so vulnerable, so out of control, because my own internalization of my value is so weak. Being tied to the capricious valuations of others is pretty terrifying. I don't think about this consciously, ever, but upon examination it feels like the undercurrent of what's going on when I get mired in this kind of thinking.
I'm going to stay on my side of the street with this. I'm going to assume Husband dealt with his actions appropriately. And I'm going to focus on myself. On who I am and who want to be in the world. I want to look at myself with God's eyes, and see all that God would see, the way that I look at my son and see all his magnificence.
It's easy to lose this thread of relationship to self in the dense fabric that is daily life. The temptation to get pulled into the urgency of the unimportant is strong and consistent.
So perhaps this is why Higher Power gives me teen sex scenes, hot blonds on the street, and those unwelcome invasive thoughts. They are all opportunities. Opportunities for me to lean into the dissonance and chaos of life and know again that I can be fully alive and present to both the ecstasy and rawest pain of a human life, and not be overcome.
As we were walking back to the car after the movie, I glanced across the street and noticed a tall, Jessica Simpson-type blond in a short skirt crossing the street. And I noticed Husband noticing her, too. I see attractive men out in the world every day, but I don't have the automatic response that I think husband has to attractive women. I'm sure there are plenty of biological explanations for this. But when it comes down to it, what I perceive (true or not) pushes my self-doubt buttons.
Now, Husband is a mid-40s, overweight, bespectacled, unemployed guy with thinning hair. Under a certain amount of bravado, he's shy and self-conscious. It's not like he's got hot young women trailing after him waiting to pounce the instant I look the other way. So why does husband's response to other women fill me with dread? Because it confirms my fears that I'm not sufficient. The nagging, absolutist rule I have in my head is that if Husband was satisfied with me, if I was good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, funny enough, talented enough - if I was enough, no other woman could turn his head, no matter how much cleavage she was baring, or how young and hot she looked.
Why do I care if Husband thinks I'm good enough? I don't think it's him that I'm worried about. I think I'm afraid I'll confirm definitively that, as I've suspected all along, I'm not good enough. Not just not-good-enough for Husband, but Not Good Enough, period. Like a fact, a truth, an indisputable law of nature.
I don't measure up and when the real opportunity for something better comes along I'll be discarded.
As a matter of fact, when I was raking through this muck this morning, I was actually wondering (again) if Husband had settled for me because he got me. If he so lacked the confidence to go out and get what he really wanted (a hot blond) that he settled for me because I fell in love with and idolized him. Husband's college girlfriend, who he described the other day to a friend as "really beautiful" was blond. So were a lot of the prostitutes (though not all) that he picked, Chinese menu style, from that prostitute review and booking site.
It's a yukky place to go to, this corner of my mind. But sometimes I find myself here anyway.
This morning I went onto Husband's computer to Google something and, shovel in hand, still digging in this ditch, ended up looking at his web history. I found that he'd looked at about 10 pictures from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue this month.
What the fuck?! What business does he have looking at these basically naked, very young women splayed out and pouting, offering the promise of their bodies to all the drooling Sports Illustrated slobs? What other purpose could there be aside from satisfying that insatiable, uncontrollable part of himself that can't help but feel entitled to gorge himself on this kind of pathetic shit?
My own animal brain kicked in: I have to confront him. Demand to know why he's done this. Find out if he discussed the incident with his sponsor. But most important of all, I have to be prepared. Prepared to surgically cut him out and move on.
I could feel my insides going into lockdown, things slamming shut and hardening. It felt good, because it felt empowering. I want to protect myself. I want to be invincible. I want to kill before I get killed.
But for some reason, when I go into this mode now, the cost never escapes me. I could feel myself going places I know I don't want to go.
It was a good time to take a few deep breaths, and try to look evenly at the facts.
It was an isolated incident. He looked at only a small selection of the 45 photos that were available. He didn't go from there to any other gawking at women. He hadn't spent the day, or even any significant amount of time looking at these pictures. And he hadn't looked at any other pictures of women online (at least on this computer) this month or last. This incident was clearly a different pattern from what he'd done in the past when he was deeply involved in his addiction.
I want Husband to be perfect, and and he's not. But he's far from what he used to be regarding his compulsive sexual behavior: Completely lacking self-awareness, deluded, full of himself, resentful, angry, sarcastic and in denial.
I still feel my anger churning now. But I can see it's because of the things that are here for me to be with, to learn, to absorb: Most things that can kill me (literally and figuratively) are beyond my control. My self-worth is still so defined by how much I think others value me. I have a long way to go in learning how to value myself. I am full of self-loathing and doubt that are easily triggered. And I'm afraid, afraid, afraid - afraid that because I'm not good enough I'll cease to matter to people I trust and love. (I can see how crazy and inaccurate this is with my logical mind, but I think that's as close as I can come to identifying the feeling I have right now.) Feeling like a consolation prize is very frightening for me. I think because I feel so vulnerable, so out of control, because my own internalization of my value is so weak. Being tied to the capricious valuations of others is pretty terrifying. I don't think about this consciously, ever, but upon examination it feels like the undercurrent of what's going on when I get mired in this kind of thinking.
I'm going to stay on my side of the street with this. I'm going to assume Husband dealt with his actions appropriately. And I'm going to focus on myself. On who I am and who want to be in the world. I want to look at myself with God's eyes, and see all that God would see, the way that I look at my son and see all his magnificence.
It's easy to lose this thread of relationship to self in the dense fabric that is daily life. The temptation to get pulled into the urgency of the unimportant is strong and consistent.
So perhaps this is why Higher Power gives me teen sex scenes, hot blonds on the street, and those unwelcome invasive thoughts. They are all opportunities. Opportunities for me to lean into the dissonance and chaos of life and know again that I can be fully alive and present to both the ecstasy and rawest pain of a human life, and not be overcome.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Can't you hear what I'm THINKING???!
Husband is hard to talk to. He gets defensive, and I have to choose my words very carefully or we get off track as he tries to invalidate some aspect of what I'm saying. (I think I do the same to him when I get defensive, so I have compassion for his use of this frustrating tactic.)
I'd decided that I wanted to tell him that I'd felt kind of pissed off that he was a jerk to me about not being able to get an iPad. That would be something new for me, because in my head I had a thousand reasons why that conversation didn't need to happen. I saw an opportunity for contrary action and took it.
During the course of the conversation he told me that one of the things that had triggered the depressed feelings he was having this weekend was saying what he wanted (the iPad) and me saying I didn't think he should get it. He said this was part of his attempt to set boundaries and express what he wants.
But I was confused about what getting an iPad had to do with boundaries, and I tried to ask him about this. We went back and forth. As he's done so often over the course of our relationship, he accused me of not letting him have his feelings. (I have to admit that's been true in many cases - I was raised in a family where any expression of upset was met with attempts to fix or "helpfully" invalidate it.) But I was getting flustered and he was getting pissed, and things were getting a little ugly. Not really bad for two people who avoid Confrontation, but we were doing Confrontation pretty clumsily.
Finally I said, "I'm not saying it's inappropriate for you to want an iPad or to be upset if you can't get one, but something inappropriate is going on here. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but something's not right for me, and I'm not going to back away from this because you're getting upset and telling me that I never let you have your feelings. There are lots of things that I want that I can't have right now, but I don't get upset about it because that's just the way it is at the moment. We can't afford it. I don't get upset about it. And I think that's a healthy, adult response. When we're in such a bad financial position it's inappropriate for you to feel okay about being pissy toward me about not being able to get an iPad. And I don't understand what getting an iPad has to do with setting boundaries!"
He considered for a moment. I could see he was struggling with feeling righteous, resentful and pissed off on one hand, and trying to really consider what I was saying on the other hand.
Then he told me that he has in his mind that I think a lot of things he wants are silly. And I've no doubt I've contributed to that feeling by questioning and being skeptical about a lot of the expensive gadgets he's interested in purchasing. If we had the money, I wouldn't care. But when we don't have the money, I think I have the right as a partner in our financial life to express my doubts and concerns. (There've been many times over the course of our relationship where I should have questioned him and didn't because I have in my head that he's right about me being silly to question expensive purchases.) And as an expert absolutist I'm sure I have the "end-of-discussion" tone without realizing it.
For any flies on the wall, his entitlement banging up against my absolutism must be a thing to behold.
I think part of the problem is that he's so disempowered himself in some aspects of our relationship that if I question or push back he takes it as a "no," disengages from discussion and just sinks into resentment. I didn't realize this until today.
A bit of history: Husband plays pickup basketball every weekend. He'd asked if it was okay if he went out to play on Easter Sunday. He typically goes from 9am - noon-ish, and we had a lot of plans for that day, so I said I thought it might be better if he spent the day with the family, or at least asked Son if it was okay with him. He chuckled and said, "Oh, Son's already let me know it's not okay with him!"
On Easter day, he was feeling down. Son had already gotten his basket of candy and done a little egg hunt, and it was still a few hours before we had to leave for other events of the day, so I told Husband he should go play basketball at least for a little while if he wanted to, and he did. (Although once he got there, locks and fences kept him from getting in the game so he didn't actually get to play.)
So today, as we continued our conversation about the iPad issue he said to me, "I'm not good at saying what I want." He went on to say that it was only because I've been so kind and supportive of his request to play basketball every weekend that he's been able to carve out that time. He was trying to give me credit, but I told him that I didn't want that credit. I wanted him to take responsibility for having made that happen. I was really surprised how entirely he credited me with "letting" him do that. It's weird. I don't look at our relationship that way at all.
I think there's still a lot that I don't know about that goes on in his head. And I guess that's probably true of most of us. I know I'm continuously surprised by the insecurities and self doubts of people I have great respect for, who seem so confident and sure to me. And I know all the unexpressed craziness that goes on in my own head!
So today I re-learn this lesson: Dialogue will always result in better communication than a silent monologue in my head.
I'd decided that I wanted to tell him that I'd felt kind of pissed off that he was a jerk to me about not being able to get an iPad. That would be something new for me, because in my head I had a thousand reasons why that conversation didn't need to happen. I saw an opportunity for contrary action and took it.
During the course of the conversation he told me that one of the things that had triggered the depressed feelings he was having this weekend was saying what he wanted (the iPad) and me saying I didn't think he should get it. He said this was part of his attempt to set boundaries and express what he wants.
But I was confused about what getting an iPad had to do with boundaries, and I tried to ask him about this. We went back and forth. As he's done so often over the course of our relationship, he accused me of not letting him have his feelings. (I have to admit that's been true in many cases - I was raised in a family where any expression of upset was met with attempts to fix or "helpfully" invalidate it.) But I was getting flustered and he was getting pissed, and things were getting a little ugly. Not really bad for two people who avoid Confrontation, but we were doing Confrontation pretty clumsily.
Finally I said, "I'm not saying it's inappropriate for you to want an iPad or to be upset if you can't get one, but something inappropriate is going on here. I can't put my finger on it exactly, but something's not right for me, and I'm not going to back away from this because you're getting upset and telling me that I never let you have your feelings. There are lots of things that I want that I can't have right now, but I don't get upset about it because that's just the way it is at the moment. We can't afford it. I don't get upset about it. And I think that's a healthy, adult response. When we're in such a bad financial position it's inappropriate for you to feel okay about being pissy toward me about not being able to get an iPad. And I don't understand what getting an iPad has to do with setting boundaries!"
He considered for a moment. I could see he was struggling with feeling righteous, resentful and pissed off on one hand, and trying to really consider what I was saying on the other hand.
Then he told me that he has in his mind that I think a lot of things he wants are silly. And I've no doubt I've contributed to that feeling by questioning and being skeptical about a lot of the expensive gadgets he's interested in purchasing. If we had the money, I wouldn't care. But when we don't have the money, I think I have the right as a partner in our financial life to express my doubts and concerns. (There've been many times over the course of our relationship where I should have questioned him and didn't because I have in my head that he's right about me being silly to question expensive purchases.) And as an expert absolutist I'm sure I have the "end-of-discussion" tone without realizing it.
For any flies on the wall, his entitlement banging up against my absolutism must be a thing to behold.
I think part of the problem is that he's so disempowered himself in some aspects of our relationship that if I question or push back he takes it as a "no," disengages from discussion and just sinks into resentment. I didn't realize this until today.
A bit of history: Husband plays pickup basketball every weekend. He'd asked if it was okay if he went out to play on Easter Sunday. He typically goes from 9am - noon-ish, and we had a lot of plans for that day, so I said I thought it might be better if he spent the day with the family, or at least asked Son if it was okay with him. He chuckled and said, "Oh, Son's already let me know it's not okay with him!"
On Easter day, he was feeling down. Son had already gotten his basket of candy and done a little egg hunt, and it was still a few hours before we had to leave for other events of the day, so I told Husband he should go play basketball at least for a little while if he wanted to, and he did. (Although once he got there, locks and fences kept him from getting in the game so he didn't actually get to play.)
So today, as we continued our conversation about the iPad issue he said to me, "I'm not good at saying what I want." He went on to say that it was only because I've been so kind and supportive of his request to play basketball every weekend that he's been able to carve out that time. He was trying to give me credit, but I told him that I didn't want that credit. I wanted him to take responsibility for having made that happen. I was really surprised how entirely he credited me with "letting" him do that. It's weird. I don't look at our relationship that way at all.
I think there's still a lot that I don't know about that goes on in his head. And I guess that's probably true of most of us. I know I'm continuously surprised by the insecurities and self doubts of people I have great respect for, who seem so confident and sure to me. And I know all the unexpressed craziness that goes on in my own head!
So today I re-learn this lesson: Dialogue will always result in better communication than a silent monologue in my head.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Oh that's right...you're still a narcissistic asshole
Lightbulb! Lest I forget that recovery is a journey not a destination, Husband's occasionally stunning sense of entitlement rears its head.
We were on our way home after a lovely evening out, and talking about the assignment that Husband's therapist had given him: Find something within the family to set boundaries about, something where you say "this is how it's going to be for me."
He asked for me to help him think about what that might look like, and the first thing that popped into my head was that he needs a computer that is his. Right now, he's using my mom's laptop (she's essentially given it to him, though she'll use it from time to time.) The desktop computer that we bought for him has become a family computer. He's really been longing for a computer that nobody else touches but him. (I have a laptop that I use for work that's pretty much mine, although it's serving as the family DVD player right at this moment.)
So I suggested a computer. He grinned and told me that there's an Apple iPad on reserve for him until 3pm tomorrow. News to me, but fine.
He's really been pining for an iPad, but I'm not really a proponent of being early adopters only because we are pretty much broke. But I'd been thinking that maybe we should get one eventually since he's been wanting one so badly.
Reviews for the iPad came out today, and @pogue said that the iPad is great for consuming but not great for creating. Husband is a writer, and he uses his computers primarily for writing, Lexulous and Facebook. But writing is the main purpose.
We were in the kitchen, his arms around me, and he rested his cheek on mine and said, "I really do want a computer."
"I think you should get a computer," I said, "but not an iPad."
"Why?" he asked as he drew back.
I was surprised by his irritation.
"Well...because they're brand new..." He looked disgusted. "And because David Pogue said they're great for consuming stuff but not so great for creating stuff."
The conversation ended pretty quickly and he huffed off to bed.
I was pissed off. He's been unemployed 15 months. We wonder every month if/how we're going to pay our mortgage. We owe over $15K in back taxes because of the year he somehow thought he filed taxes but didn't. (That year he also spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes.) The IRS put a hold on ALL the money in our bank account this week. And he's ticked off that I don't think he should get an iPad right now.
ENTITLEMENT: Belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges.
Yes, I am married to a narcissist. That will never change.
What will change is his level of self awareness, his ability to perceive his impact on others, and how he responds to his own behavior. And those things have changed. A lot. Through a lot of courage, hard work and willingness on his part, he is a different person in many regards. But, like my absolutism, his sense of entitlement isn't something that can be cured.
That's what I think.
And now, here's how I feel:
Ugh. I really hate that aspect of his personality. Really. It's stupid! I mean, how can a person in such a dire financial position logically harbor a notion that he should be among the first people in the WORLD to own an iPad? Is this thought process what a fucking Ivy League education buys? And why do I have to catch attitude for such stupid thinking? Why do I have to be subject to your infantile tantrums? I have ENOUGH to deal with. Fucking evolve, won't you???!!!!
Phew! What a relief to vent and get that off my chest!
I'm not sure how to handle with this. I can see it for what it is (Husband's narcissism surfacing,) and Husband probably will too over the next few days. But I'm also really irritated, and my inclination is to withdraw. My thought process is that I don't want to deal with stupid asshole behavior so I won't. I'll tune it and him out until it stops. But I know that's not really healthy either. Because there are things going unspoken (but not unexpressed - which is key. I come from a lineage of expert PASSIVE aggressors.) But I know he's not at his best, so I don't want to argue with him about something that he'll probably acknowledge as assholic before long. So I feel like I don't want to say anything. But that's patronizing and also gives into my penchant for deciding unilaterally that I will just deal with something on my own rather than confront someone.
I'm confused. I'm in the middle of this, and I can't see the forest for the trees. I really don't know how to respond to this in a healthy way.
So I'm going to sleep on it.
I'll be the one in bed next to the asshole.
We were on our way home after a lovely evening out, and talking about the assignment that Husband's therapist had given him: Find something within the family to set boundaries about, something where you say "this is how it's going to be for me."
He asked for me to help him think about what that might look like, and the first thing that popped into my head was that he needs a computer that is his. Right now, he's using my mom's laptop (she's essentially given it to him, though she'll use it from time to time.) The desktop computer that we bought for him has become a family computer. He's really been longing for a computer that nobody else touches but him. (I have a laptop that I use for work that's pretty much mine, although it's serving as the family DVD player right at this moment.)
So I suggested a computer. He grinned and told me that there's an Apple iPad on reserve for him until 3pm tomorrow. News to me, but fine.
He's really been pining for an iPad, but I'm not really a proponent of being early adopters only because we are pretty much broke. But I'd been thinking that maybe we should get one eventually since he's been wanting one so badly.
Reviews for the iPad came out today, and @pogue said that the iPad is great for consuming but not great for creating. Husband is a writer, and he uses his computers primarily for writing, Lexulous and Facebook. But writing is the main purpose.
We were in the kitchen, his arms around me, and he rested his cheek on mine and said, "I really do want a computer."
"I think you should get a computer," I said, "but not an iPad."
"Why?" he asked as he drew back.
I was surprised by his irritation.
"Well...because they're brand new..." He looked disgusted. "And because David Pogue said they're great for consuming stuff but not so great for creating stuff."
The conversation ended pretty quickly and he huffed off to bed.
I was pissed off. He's been unemployed 15 months. We wonder every month if/how we're going to pay our mortgage. We owe over $15K in back taxes because of the year he somehow thought he filed taxes but didn't. (That year he also spent thousands of dollars on prostitutes.) The IRS put a hold on ALL the money in our bank account this week. And he's ticked off that I don't think he should get an iPad right now.
ENTITLEMENT: Belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges.
Yes, I am married to a narcissist. That will never change.
What will change is his level of self awareness, his ability to perceive his impact on others, and how he responds to his own behavior. And those things have changed. A lot. Through a lot of courage, hard work and willingness on his part, he is a different person in many regards. But, like my absolutism, his sense of entitlement isn't something that can be cured.
That's what I think.
And now, here's how I feel:
Ugh. I really hate that aspect of his personality. Really. It's stupid! I mean, how can a person in such a dire financial position logically harbor a notion that he should be among the first people in the WORLD to own an iPad? Is this thought process what a fucking Ivy League education buys? And why do I have to catch attitude for such stupid thinking? Why do I have to be subject to your infantile tantrums? I have ENOUGH to deal with. Fucking evolve, won't you???!!!!
Phew! What a relief to vent and get that off my chest!
I'm not sure how to handle with this. I can see it for what it is (Husband's narcissism surfacing,) and Husband probably will too over the next few days. But I'm also really irritated, and my inclination is to withdraw. My thought process is that I don't want to deal with stupid asshole behavior so I won't. I'll tune it and him out until it stops. But I know that's not really healthy either. Because there are things going unspoken (but not unexpressed - which is key. I come from a lineage of expert PASSIVE aggressors.) But I know he's not at his best, so I don't want to argue with him about something that he'll probably acknowledge as assholic before long. So I feel like I don't want to say anything. But that's patronizing and also gives into my penchant for deciding unilaterally that I will just deal with something on my own rather than confront someone.
I'm confused. I'm in the middle of this, and I can't see the forest for the trees. I really don't know how to respond to this in a healthy way.
So I'm going to sleep on it.
I'll be the one in bed next to the asshole.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Parenting, re-parenting, and getting back on the horse
As a recovering co-dependent raising a little son with a recovering sex addict, I often worry about whether or not my child has any chance of developing into a healthy person. (I'm half kidding when I say this, but only half.)
In a post with what I think are several excellent points on parenting, GentlePath said: "...my most important job was to help my children develop a working inner compass..."
I can see that neither Husband nor I were validated in that way as children. His needs and feelings went unnoticed, and mine were only acceptable within a narrow range. I was often comforted with explanations of why I didn't need to feel the way I was feeling. It was all well intentioned, but I developed into someone without a strong inner compass.
For over 40 years I looked at how others responded to me to understand myself in the world. I had no sense of self-preservation because thinking of yourself above others was something good people didn't do in my black and white upbringing.
As part of the recovery process I've become aware of this dynamic, and I've been able to develop a stronger relationship with my self, a better ability to self-validate, and a deeper understanding/belief that I alone am responsible for my responses, and hence my experience of life.
This means not only looking for the most empowering interpretation of a situation, but also expressing my needs and boundaries, surrendering to all good things that come my way, and approaching things I want with the attitude of "why not me?"
These things continue to be challenging in practice, but since I've come to believe that the path I'm on is the path I'm on, just getting back on the horse seems to be the most sensible thing to do.
I recently put myself up for a dream job. The opportunity came out of thin air, and I grabbed it before my fear could push it away. My mind was screaming at me that I was unqualified, that there were million reasons why they'd pick someone else over me, that who was I to think I should be considered for this chance.
But with a lot of deep breathing I muscled those fears aside and called up my "why not me?" attitude. I dove in and prepared, let myself envision myself doing the job, immersed myself in a lot of creative thinking about my take on what I'd do in the position. I continued feel scared, but by the time I walked into that interview I also believed I was as deserving, worthy and qualified as everyone else I knew who was up for the job. (I knew most, if not all, of the other candidates.) The work I'd done after declaring "why not me?!" had given me a foundation for truly feeling confident.
The interview went really, really well. Ultimately, though, I didn't get the job.
But because I was determined to allow "why not me?" to sit alongside my fears, I know I showed my very best. And now that I've done it once, I know I can do it again.
Fortunately for my son, Husband and I have always prioritized validating his feelings and experiences, and have tried hard to support him in resolving his own problems rather than trying to fix, solve and resolve things for him. So I think he will have some form of inner compass.
But I also need to remind myself that as much as I want to be the perfect parent and make sure that he's happy and healthy forever and ever, my ability to do that is limited. I can do my very best with the tools I have to give him a good tool set of his own, and then he will be on his way, walking his own path, learning, or not, to surrender and to get back on his horse.
In a post with what I think are several excellent points on parenting, GentlePath said: "...my most important job was to help my children develop a working inner compass..."
I can see that neither Husband nor I were validated in that way as children. His needs and feelings went unnoticed, and mine were only acceptable within a narrow range. I was often comforted with explanations of why I didn't need to feel the way I was feeling. It was all well intentioned, but I developed into someone without a strong inner compass.
For over 40 years I looked at how others responded to me to understand myself in the world. I had no sense of self-preservation because thinking of yourself above others was something good people didn't do in my black and white upbringing.
As part of the recovery process I've become aware of this dynamic, and I've been able to develop a stronger relationship with my self, a better ability to self-validate, and a deeper understanding/belief that I alone am responsible for my responses, and hence my experience of life.
This means not only looking for the most empowering interpretation of a situation, but also expressing my needs and boundaries, surrendering to all good things that come my way, and approaching things I want with the attitude of "why not me?"
These things continue to be challenging in practice, but since I've come to believe that the path I'm on is the path I'm on, just getting back on the horse seems to be the most sensible thing to do.
I recently put myself up for a dream job. The opportunity came out of thin air, and I grabbed it before my fear could push it away. My mind was screaming at me that I was unqualified, that there were million reasons why they'd pick someone else over me, that who was I to think I should be considered for this chance.
But with a lot of deep breathing I muscled those fears aside and called up my "why not me?" attitude. I dove in and prepared, let myself envision myself doing the job, immersed myself in a lot of creative thinking about my take on what I'd do in the position. I continued feel scared, but by the time I walked into that interview I also believed I was as deserving, worthy and qualified as everyone else I knew who was up for the job. (I knew most, if not all, of the other candidates.) The work I'd done after declaring "why not me?!" had given me a foundation for truly feeling confident.
The interview went really, really well. Ultimately, though, I didn't get the job.
But because I was determined to allow "why not me?" to sit alongside my fears, I know I showed my very best. And now that I've done it once, I know I can do it again.
Fortunately for my son, Husband and I have always prioritized validating his feelings and experiences, and have tried hard to support him in resolving his own problems rather than trying to fix, solve and resolve things for him. So I think he will have some form of inner compass.
But I also need to remind myself that as much as I want to be the perfect parent and make sure that he's happy and healthy forever and ever, my ability to do that is limited. I can do my very best with the tools I have to give him a good tool set of his own, and then he will be on his way, walking his own path, learning, or not, to surrender and to get back on his horse.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Metaphors, puns and rambling out of the fog
My son was in tears the other day because he accidentally erased his profile on his Nintendo DS game Lego Battles. He explained to my mother, who couldn't understand the problem this presented, that it meant that everything he'd accomplished, done, overcome, figured out, and scored over the past month of playing this game was gone and he had to start over with a blank slate.
"Exactly!" I thought as I listened to his wailing.
My slate feels so blank sometimes, because I've gone from believing that there were a very few things that I could absolutely count on to believing that impermanence is possibly the only thing I can count on and that despite all indications there is no way to have any certainty about the future at all. This perspective, while feeling less delusional than past certainties, also sends me into a bit of an existential freak-out. It feels too big and scary and lonely for it to be just me and my higher power. I admit it: I want something to cling to. I want to know something for sure. "I want to be able to count on something," I told my therapist.
She gently suggested that the Buddhist perspective on this (because she knows I swing that way) might be along the lines of finding gratitude for the present moment, and I realized (again) that this is where peace is for me. Since I believe that impermanence is the only constant and the future is unknowable, peace has no other place to wait for me aside from the present moment. Little comfort as I sat in my therapist's office, but my brain could grasp it and begin to make sense of the world again. Okay, so as my mind swished down the toilet of past pain and fear about the future, I had forgotten about staying in the present. But now I was remembering again. The cold fingers of my dark confusion began to loosen their grip.
The bumper sticker I get out of this experience: There is nothing good at the bottom of the toilet.
I don't feel completely alone, actually. I have girlfriends whom I still believe I can count on to be who I think they are. But in my relationship I don't have that sense of security any more. I can count on Husband 99.9% when it comes to our son. But when it comes to me...when it comes to counting on him to take me into consideration when he does something...that's where I'm afraid. I believed in this 100% before and got burned.
I told my therapist that sometimes it feels like Husband is a hot stove that I'm afraid to touch again. As we talked I realized that my subconscious assumption has been that the stove would burn me again if I touched it. But my conscious mind doesn't think that. I'm not afraid that Husband would be able to betray me again the way he did before. I have training about stoves that I didn't have before! So it was a good opening for me to realize that I'm not trying to touch a hot stove again. I'm just trying to touch the stove to see what it feels like now, and I'm not reaching out unprotected. More importantly, I need to remind myself (again) what I realized more than a year ago: Because he's in recovery, Husband probably isn't a stove anymore.
I've been caught up (again) trying to make sense of things. (Perhaps this cycle of "agains" is something I just have to surrender to.) I want things to make sense. But the lying Husband did is something that will never make sense to me. How do you so deeply betray someone you love? I can fantasize about it, but when it comes down to it, I could never go through with it. I'd have to hate him in order to lie to him the way he did to me. That's how I'm built. And he is built differently. And now we're both working on our defective parts, rebuilding our engines. They will always be different engines, but hopefully they will work better than they did before and we'll be able to finish out this road trip together.
I think a lot of this circling back is because there's anger and resentment I haven't fully expressed and it's surfacing and that's a good thing. Those things are hard for me because I never learned about openly expressing those feelings as a child. But now's my chance.
My friend recently wrote on her blog about a palm tree outside her window that was cut down, and how it took only minutes to destroy something that had taken years to grow. I told Husband this is how I feel about our relationship, and why I think it's sometimes such a struggle. The tree that was my understanding of the world has been cut down and there's no putting it back. He nodded and put his arms around me.
Replant. Give water and light. (Perhaps some therapy and the love and support of friends.) Wait. And don't lose faith that a big tree can grow from a little nut.
Later I asked him if there was anything we needed to talk about from the arguments and discussions we'd had over the past few days. "I'm afraid to tell you this, because I don't want you to feel responsible for my feelings, but when you say you can't count on anything I feel terrible. I know that you can't know anything absolutely for sure, but I'm going to do my best to be someone you can count on for the rest of my life."
Just when I need it most, my higher power chimes in. I'm both surprised and not surprised at all.
"Exactly!" I thought as I listened to his wailing.
My slate feels so blank sometimes, because I've gone from believing that there were a very few things that I could absolutely count on to believing that impermanence is possibly the only thing I can count on and that despite all indications there is no way to have any certainty about the future at all. This perspective, while feeling less delusional than past certainties, also sends me into a bit of an existential freak-out. It feels too big and scary and lonely for it to be just me and my higher power. I admit it: I want something to cling to. I want to know something for sure. "I want to be able to count on something," I told my therapist.
She gently suggested that the Buddhist perspective on this (because she knows I swing that way) might be along the lines of finding gratitude for the present moment, and I realized (again) that this is where peace is for me. Since I believe that impermanence is the only constant and the future is unknowable, peace has no other place to wait for me aside from the present moment. Little comfort as I sat in my therapist's office, but my brain could grasp it and begin to make sense of the world again. Okay, so as my mind swished down the toilet of past pain and fear about the future, I had forgotten about staying in the present. But now I was remembering again. The cold fingers of my dark confusion began to loosen their grip.
The bumper sticker I get out of this experience: There is nothing good at the bottom of the toilet.
I don't feel completely alone, actually. I have girlfriends whom I still believe I can count on to be who I think they are. But in my relationship I don't have that sense of security any more. I can count on Husband 99.9% when it comes to our son. But when it comes to me...when it comes to counting on him to take me into consideration when he does something...that's where I'm afraid. I believed in this 100% before and got burned.
I told my therapist that sometimes it feels like Husband is a hot stove that I'm afraid to touch again. As we talked I realized that my subconscious assumption has been that the stove would burn me again if I touched it. But my conscious mind doesn't think that. I'm not afraid that Husband would be able to betray me again the way he did before. I have training about stoves that I didn't have before! So it was a good opening for me to realize that I'm not trying to touch a hot stove again. I'm just trying to touch the stove to see what it feels like now, and I'm not reaching out unprotected. More importantly, I need to remind myself (again) what I realized more than a year ago: Because he's in recovery, Husband probably isn't a stove anymore.
I've been caught up (again) trying to make sense of things. (Perhaps this cycle of "agains" is something I just have to surrender to.) I want things to make sense. But the lying Husband did is something that will never make sense to me. How do you so deeply betray someone you love? I can fantasize about it, but when it comes down to it, I could never go through with it. I'd have to hate him in order to lie to him the way he did to me. That's how I'm built. And he is built differently. And now we're both working on our defective parts, rebuilding our engines. They will always be different engines, but hopefully they will work better than they did before and we'll be able to finish out this road trip together.
I think a lot of this circling back is because there's anger and resentment I haven't fully expressed and it's surfacing and that's a good thing. Those things are hard for me because I never learned about openly expressing those feelings as a child. But now's my chance.
My friend recently wrote on her blog about a palm tree outside her window that was cut down, and how it took only minutes to destroy something that had taken years to grow. I told Husband this is how I feel about our relationship, and why I think it's sometimes such a struggle. The tree that was my understanding of the world has been cut down and there's no putting it back. He nodded and put his arms around me.
Replant. Give water and light. (Perhaps some therapy and the love and support of friends.) Wait. And don't lose faith that a big tree can grow from a little nut.
Later I asked him if there was anything we needed to talk about from the arguments and discussions we'd had over the past few days. "I'm afraid to tell you this, because I don't want you to feel responsible for my feelings, but when you say you can't count on anything I feel terrible. I know that you can't know anything absolutely for sure, but I'm going to do my best to be someone you can count on for the rest of my life."
Just when I need it most, my higher power chimes in. I'm both surprised and not surprised at all.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Insidious codependency
I am terrified of my husband's resentment. Most of Husband's resentment has been toward others, but that resentment is what allowed him to justify his infidelity and betrayal of my trust. He "deserved" something to compensate him for the injustices and disappointments in his life.
The other day we were in the car and I asked him if he was beginning to be unhappy in his job. When he replied yes, I said I was sorry to hear that he was feeling unhappy. And then I proceeded to "speak from my own experience" (as I've learned to do in my 12-step group)about finding that life is not what you thought or wished it would be.
I was surprised when he seemed angry, and I thought I'd hurt his feelings because I'd been speaking to him about my experience with him in a way that may have been hurtful.
We talked about it in therapy, and it came out that Husband actually felt like it wasn't okay with me for him to be dissatisfied in his job, and that was what upset him.
As we talked I realized that, because I'm so terrified about Husband's resentment because of what it might mean for and about me, I do a lot to manage his happiness level. I get anxious and terribly uncomfortable when he's unhappy because I feel that this leads to resentment, and try to "help" him. Or if I think he's upset with me, I try to correct what I think are misunderstandings he has with respect to me. I need to fix misperceptions immediately lest they result in unwarranted resentment toward me. And this dynamic is something I never recognized. And I do this because I feel threatened by his resentment on a very deep level.
So we worked out a code. When Husband really just needs me to be there and listen, he'll break through my advice by saying, "I really need your help." I'll know that I need to get a grip on my own anxiety, with the understanding that we will talk about what I need to talk about, but not just at that moment. And I can do the same.
We have yet to try this, but discovering this pattern is a great breakthrough for me.
I was reminded by a woman from my therapy group about how much opportunity there is in leaning toward what is uncomfortable and scary.
What will happen when I stop trying to control Husband's feelings, stop trying to manage against resentment, and allow for the possibilty that he'll develop those feelings? Who will I be when I have to face that head on, instead of resisting it?
I look forward to finding out.
The other day we were in the car and I asked him if he was beginning to be unhappy in his job. When he replied yes, I said I was sorry to hear that he was feeling unhappy. And then I proceeded to "speak from my own experience" (as I've learned to do in my 12-step group)about finding that life is not what you thought or wished it would be.
I was surprised when he seemed angry, and I thought I'd hurt his feelings because I'd been speaking to him about my experience with him in a way that may have been hurtful.
We talked about it in therapy, and it came out that Husband actually felt like it wasn't okay with me for him to be dissatisfied in his job, and that was what upset him.
As we talked I realized that, because I'm so terrified about Husband's resentment because of what it might mean for and about me, I do a lot to manage his happiness level. I get anxious and terribly uncomfortable when he's unhappy because I feel that this leads to resentment, and try to "help" him. Or if I think he's upset with me, I try to correct what I think are misunderstandings he has with respect to me. I need to fix misperceptions immediately lest they result in unwarranted resentment toward me. And this dynamic is something I never recognized. And I do this because I feel threatened by his resentment on a very deep level.
So we worked out a code. When Husband really just needs me to be there and listen, he'll break through my advice by saying, "I really need your help." I'll know that I need to get a grip on my own anxiety, with the understanding that we will talk about what I need to talk about, but not just at that moment. And I can do the same.
We have yet to try this, but discovering this pattern is a great breakthrough for me.
I was reminded by a woman from my therapy group about how much opportunity there is in leaning toward what is uncomfortable and scary.
What will happen when I stop trying to control Husband's feelings, stop trying to manage against resentment, and allow for the possibilty that he'll develop those feelings? Who will I be when I have to face that head on, instead of resisting it?
I look forward to finding out.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Notes to self
In group therapy I noted two things tonight that I don't want to forget:
1) Husband's sex addiction could be my higher power's way of providing me with the opportunity to deal with unresolved issues with my father. Perhaps I'm ready now in a way that I wasn't before.
2) My attempts to manage other people's experiences result me not seeking support from others and missing out on making connections. The issue is rooted in my lack of boundaries, and my fear that others can't set boundaries. While it may be true that others can't set boundaries, that's not my responsibility to manage. I can manage my own boundaries, but I can't (and miss out on intimacy in some cases) when I try to do that for others. It holds me back from a lot.
1) Husband's sex addiction could be my higher power's way of providing me with the opportunity to deal with unresolved issues with my father. Perhaps I'm ready now in a way that I wasn't before.
2) My attempts to manage other people's experiences result me not seeking support from others and missing out on making connections. The issue is rooted in my lack of boundaries, and my fear that others can't set boundaries. While it may be true that others can't set boundaries, that's not my responsibility to manage. I can manage my own boundaries, but I can't (and miss out on intimacy in some cases) when I try to do that for others. It holds me back from a lot.
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Big leap!
Last night Husband got upset that I told him I'd be there in a minute when he asked me to come look at something he was doing on the computer, and then stayed at my computer instead of coming when I said he would.
He was on his computer about 10 feet away from me at the dining room table on my laptop. I was deep in thought when he'd asked, "Got a minute?" and I should have said, "No, I don't. I'm busy right now and I don't know when I'll be done." But I didn't want to do that. I knew he didn't want to hear that, and I didn't want to say no to him. Lesson learned. I don't have to be available when someone wants me.
He said, "When you do that what I make up about that is that you don't give a shit. And not only that, it feels like what I've said is so unimportant that not only do you come when you said you would, you don't even acknowledge it; you don't even bother to say that you won't be doing that. You don't say, "I thought I'd be done, but I'm not so I won't be there."
"Here's my request," he said. "When you aren't going to do what you say you're going to do, would you say so?"
I looked at him, thinking that something didn't feel right about this whole thing. True, I didn't do what I said I was going to do. I didn't come when I said I would. But he was sitting 10 feet from me, and if he had a problem, if his feelings were hurt, as a grown up adult wasn't it HIS RESPONSIBILITY to let me know? Yes! That felt right! Part of my mind wanted so much to cling to his words, to accept the shame of not having done what I said I would do and to vow to be a good girl and never do that again. But this new part of my mind held me back.
"No," I said. He looked at me, incredulous. "No? No? You don't accept my request?" Then he said something that struck me as odd. "What are you thinking? My paranoid fantasy is that you're thinking that if you don't do exactly what I say you think I'm going to act out." That was the farthest thing from my mind at the moment.
I explained to him that what I was thinking was if he'd made all that up in his head instead of saying something directly to me, who was sitting in the same room 10 feet away, that I wasn't going to be responsible for that. I told him I wasn't going to be responsible for and responsive to the stories he makes up in his mind in lieu of expressing his feelings.
The good thing is that in addition to being an addict and an asshole at times, he's also smart. So he got it pretty quickly. After a few minutes of mulling it over, he apologized and thanked me for my patience. That felt weird to me, because it wasn't important to me that he decided I was right.
What was important was that I'd recognized what was my responsibility and what was his responsibilty, and I'd refused to be responsible for what was his. It was something that my work over the last year made possible. I was surprised by what I'd done. It felt new. And I felt strong, and I felt grateful.
He was on his computer about 10 feet away from me at the dining room table on my laptop. I was deep in thought when he'd asked, "Got a minute?" and I should have said, "No, I don't. I'm busy right now and I don't know when I'll be done." But I didn't want to do that. I knew he didn't want to hear that, and I didn't want to say no to him. Lesson learned. I don't have to be available when someone wants me.
He said, "When you do that what I make up about that is that you don't give a shit. And not only that, it feels like what I've said is so unimportant that not only do you come when you said you would, you don't even acknowledge it; you don't even bother to say that you won't be doing that. You don't say, "I thought I'd be done, but I'm not so I won't be there."
"Here's my request," he said. "When you aren't going to do what you say you're going to do, would you say so?"
I looked at him, thinking that something didn't feel right about this whole thing. True, I didn't do what I said I was going to do. I didn't come when I said I would. But he was sitting 10 feet from me, and if he had a problem, if his feelings were hurt, as a grown up adult wasn't it HIS RESPONSIBILITY to let me know? Yes! That felt right! Part of my mind wanted so much to cling to his words, to accept the shame of not having done what I said I would do and to vow to be a good girl and never do that again. But this new part of my mind held me back.
"No," I said. He looked at me, incredulous. "No? No? You don't accept my request?" Then he said something that struck me as odd. "What are you thinking? My paranoid fantasy is that you're thinking that if you don't do exactly what I say you think I'm going to act out." That was the farthest thing from my mind at the moment.
I explained to him that what I was thinking was if he'd made all that up in his head instead of saying something directly to me, who was sitting in the same room 10 feet away, that I wasn't going to be responsible for that. I told him I wasn't going to be responsible for and responsive to the stories he makes up in his mind in lieu of expressing his feelings.
The good thing is that in addition to being an addict and an asshole at times, he's also smart. So he got it pretty quickly. After a few minutes of mulling it over, he apologized and thanked me for my patience. That felt weird to me, because it wasn't important to me that he decided I was right.
What was important was that I'd recognized what was my responsibility and what was his responsibilty, and I'd refused to be responsible for what was his. It was something that my work over the last year made possible. I was surprised by what I'd done. It felt new. And I felt strong, and I felt grateful.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Another high anxiety day
Don't know why. Actually reverted to checking cell phone records.
My therapist said that it's very normal for codependency to slip into high gear when someone who needs to be in control (me) experiences a lack of control (my life.)
Since I'm having this existential shift in which I'm coming to terms with the fact that almost nothing in life is within my control except me, and that almost everything except the present moment is unknown or unimportant, it's not really surprising that I have little freak outs like I did today.
I still feel edgy and I feel a pit in my stomach.
I'm going to exercize. Hopefully that will get the happy chemicals flowing and I'll feel better.
My therapist said that it's very normal for codependency to slip into high gear when someone who needs to be in control (me) experiences a lack of control (my life.)
Since I'm having this existential shift in which I'm coming to terms with the fact that almost nothing in life is within my control except me, and that almost everything except the present moment is unknown or unimportant, it's not really surprising that I have little freak outs like I did today.
I still feel edgy and I feel a pit in my stomach.
I'm going to exercize. Hopefully that will get the happy chemicals flowing and I'll feel better.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Husband's responses to my (crazy?) questions
This is what Husband said over the course of our email exchange in response to my questions:
I plan to stick to my food plan. I will not act out. I will work out at the gym and swim in the pool. I will call you all the time.
I will have two beers or fewer when I am gone. Total.
Hmmm. I don’t know. Doesn’t feel like your trying to control me. Feels like you’re concerned about me. I like it. Maybe not completely healthy but I wouldn’t worry about it.
My Inner Circle (this is an SAA thing, and is behavior from which the addict declares he is completely abstinent):
Having Sexual Contact with anyone other than my wife – this includes lap dances. Sexual Contact includes any and all sexual contact including massage, sexual touching, orgasm, anything.
Visiting Strip Clubs
Going to (he specified a site, but I refuse to publicize it here)
Masturbating to pornography
Spending money on pornography (magazines, internet etc)
I have not put all online porn in my inner circle because I don’t want to lose my time (meaning break my abstinence) if I stumble across an ad or something or something pops up (which has happened).
Since masturbating to porn is proscribed and porn is in my middle circle, however, I don’t spend time with it.
Please remember that for my recovery I am specifically accountable to my sponsor and I worked this out with him. It is a fluid document, however, and we can certainly talk about it.
This last comment is his response to my resistance to making requests, and my aversion to doing anything that feels like setting "rules" for him.
My approach has always been to see what he decides/chooses and then decide if it works for me (based on my own wants and needs)and what my response will be. So this put the whole responsibility for decision making in our relationship on him. He would have to be the one to decide, then I would accept or reject and act accordingly.
What we found out recently in couples therapy is that while I felt I was protecting myself from assuming the role of parent in our relationship, he felt (unbeknownst to me) like I was testing him.
One part of my growth is that I'm learning to make direct requests and take responsibility for what I want in a healthier way. I'm giving him a chance to hear my needs and wants BEFORE he makes his decisions/choices, which he never had the opportunity to do before.
I've had to develop a script for making direct requests. It goes something like, "Knowing that you are an adult, and free to make your own choices, what I would like is..." I have to remind myself that I'm simply stating what would work for me, and not issuing an order or setting a limit on his behavior before I can make a request.
I feel good about learning to set boundaries for myself and to express what will and will not work for me. But I never want to be in an intimate relationship where I'm setting boundaries or creating rules for someone else. That feels like a parent/child relationship to me, not an adult partner relationship.
I plan to stick to my food plan. I will not act out. I will work out at the gym and swim in the pool. I will call you all the time.
I will have two beers or fewer when I am gone. Total.
Hmmm. I don’t know. Doesn’t feel like your trying to control me. Feels like you’re concerned about me. I like it. Maybe not completely healthy but I wouldn’t worry about it.
My Inner Circle (this is an SAA thing, and is behavior from which the addict declares he is completely abstinent):
Having Sexual Contact with anyone other than my wife – this includes lap dances. Sexual Contact includes any and all sexual contact including massage, sexual touching, orgasm, anything.
Visiting Strip Clubs
Going to (he specified a site, but I refuse to publicize it here)
Masturbating to pornography
Spending money on pornography (magazines, internet etc)
I have not put all online porn in my inner circle because I don’t want to lose my time (meaning break my abstinence) if I stumble across an ad or something or something pops up (which has happened).
Since masturbating to porn is proscribed and porn is in my middle circle, however, I don’t spend time with it.
Please remember that for my recovery I am specifically accountable to my sponsor and I worked this out with him. It is a fluid document, however, and we can certainly talk about it.
This last comment is his response to my resistance to making requests, and my aversion to doing anything that feels like setting "rules" for him.
My approach has always been to see what he decides/chooses and then decide if it works for me (based on my own wants and needs)and what my response will be. So this put the whole responsibility for decision making in our relationship on him. He would have to be the one to decide, then I would accept or reject and act accordingly.
What we found out recently in couples therapy is that while I felt I was protecting myself from assuming the role of parent in our relationship, he felt (unbeknownst to me) like I was testing him.
One part of my growth is that I'm learning to make direct requests and take responsibility for what I want in a healthier way. I'm giving him a chance to hear my needs and wants BEFORE he makes his decisions/choices, which he never had the opportunity to do before.
I've had to develop a script for making direct requests. It goes something like, "Knowing that you are an adult, and free to make your own choices, what I would like is..." I have to remind myself that I'm simply stating what would work for me, and not issuing an order or setting a limit on his behavior before I can make a request.
I feel good about learning to set boundaries for myself and to express what will and will not work for me. But I never want to be in an intimate relationship where I'm setting boundaries or creating rules for someone else. That feels like a parent/child relationship to me, not an adult partner relationship.
Husband is traveling for business
Just found out that Husband will be traveling for business for a couple of days. Leaving on the red-eye tonight.
Following are the questions I had to ask:
So...yet another indication of where I am at this point in the journey.
What do these questions indicate? Hell if I know. But I know I'll look back in a year and knowingly say, "Ahhhh, yes..." and see clearly through what is now sometimes a dense forest to me.
Following are the questions I had to ask:
- What about your meetings - can you do by phone?
Are you going to rent movies? What is your plan with respect to food, alcohol, sex?
Just so I'm clear, what is "acting out?" Movies, magazines, clubs? Where do those fall? More specifically, what is okay (by your definition) for you to do?
About alcohol - is nine drinks okay? I know it is in terms of abstinence, but what is your plan - what do you commit to now so that when you're sitting at the bar you'll have a point of reference?
And does this feel like I'm trying to control you? I'm just wondering...
So...yet another indication of where I am at this point in the journey.
What do these questions indicate? Hell if I know. But I know I'll look back in a year and knowingly say, "Ahhhh, yes..." and see clearly through what is now sometimes a dense forest to me.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Why accept the label of codependency?
At my first S-Anon meeting, one of the things I really didn't get was all the talk about MY recovery. I didn't have anything to recover from...I wasn't the one who had been lying to my partner for over a decade and sleeping with prostitutes for the past 3 1/2 years. I was the unsuspecting...well, not victim...but certainly there was NOTHING wrong with me. I disregarded that stuff, because there was lots of other stuff that was hitting the nail on the head, and it felt so good to walk into a room where I could talk freely without having to explain.
Probably a month or so ago, I asked my therapist what exactly co-dependence was and how I would know if I was codependent. She recommended the book I'm reading now, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. The title kind of says it all. My sometimes obsessive need to know details, often accompanied by feelings of anxiety or urgency, is a form of trying to control something I can't control (the past.) And it definitely comes at the expense of caring for myself, because I can easily spiral into heart-pounding anxiety or deep sadness when I engage in this stuff.
More importantly, though, I have a whole other life. I have a full-time job, I have my son, I volunteer as Marketing Director for a non-profit, I write my blog, I go to S-Anon and therapy, I exercise regularly, and I write and perform sketch comedy, improv and theater when I can fit it in. In other words, I have a big, full life that doesn't deserve to be consumed (subsumed) by maintaining spreadsheets, searching phone records and bank statements, and worrying about what Husband is doing every moment of the day. I have a life. I will not be defined by Husband's betrayal, I will not sacrifice my life, my self, the things that give me happiness and satisfaction, to try to figure out the details of my husband's betrayal and lies. Enough damage has been done already. I don't want to do more.
That being said, it's definitely a balance. Not only do I have a different future now than I thought I would. I have a different past. And that is jarring. More accurately it's a devastating, major mind-fuck that made me feel completely disoriented and adrift for a while. It's a past that I did not knowingly participate in creating and something that I can't change. So I feel I have the right to know as many details as I want in order to restore my sense of reality. What was I doing the afternoon Husband was fucking Ashley at the Four Points Sheraton in Marina del Rey? I think I have a right to know what was actually going on in my life while I was living in my alternate reality.
The point is, I think I have the right to whatever information I want, but when the need to know starts to disrupt my life and cause me pain, I'm stepping into codependent territory. Nothing wrong with that, but it helps me to be able to distinguish what I want to do to help myself heal vs. what I feel compelled to do because I let another person's behavior affect me and feel that I can do something to control that person's behavior. (I can't.)
The final clue that broke the camel's back was that there are 10 pages in the book that describe codependent characteristics and - those of you who also identify with being codependent will probably laugh at me - I was shocked to see that I had at least 75% of the characteristics listed. It's very subtle. I don't cover up for Husband when his addictions interfere with his life, I don't secretly follow him, I don't submit to physical or emotional abuse. But there are lots of things, some might call them "nice" traits: I try to say what I think will please people; have a difficult time asserting my rights; avoid talking about myself and talk about other people's problems instead; try to fix and prevent problems in other peoples' lives; fear rejection; am afraid of making mistakes. The list goes on.
In my experience, recognition and awareness have been the first steps toward freedom from ways of being that leave me unhappy. So that's the value I find in accepting the codependent label, and accepting that my journey is to recover from that way of being. I want to be free of the anguish and anxiety that result from my codependent thoughts and behaviors.
Free my mind, and the rest will follow.
Probably a month or so ago, I asked my therapist what exactly co-dependence was and how I would know if I was codependent. She recommended the book I'm reading now, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. The title kind of says it all. My sometimes obsessive need to know details, often accompanied by feelings of anxiety or urgency, is a form of trying to control something I can't control (the past.) And it definitely comes at the expense of caring for myself, because I can easily spiral into heart-pounding anxiety or deep sadness when I engage in this stuff.
More importantly, though, I have a whole other life. I have a full-time job, I have my son, I volunteer as Marketing Director for a non-profit, I write my blog, I go to S-Anon and therapy, I exercise regularly, and I write and perform sketch comedy, improv and theater when I can fit it in. In other words, I have a big, full life that doesn't deserve to be consumed (subsumed) by maintaining spreadsheets, searching phone records and bank statements, and worrying about what Husband is doing every moment of the day. I have a life. I will not be defined by Husband's betrayal, I will not sacrifice my life, my self, the things that give me happiness and satisfaction, to try to figure out the details of my husband's betrayal and lies. Enough damage has been done already. I don't want to do more.
That being said, it's definitely a balance. Not only do I have a different future now than I thought I would. I have a different past. And that is jarring. More accurately it's a devastating, major mind-fuck that made me feel completely disoriented and adrift for a while. It's a past that I did not knowingly participate in creating and something that I can't change. So I feel I have the right to know as many details as I want in order to restore my sense of reality. What was I doing the afternoon Husband was fucking Ashley at the Four Points Sheraton in Marina del Rey? I think I have a right to know what was actually going on in my life while I was living in my alternate reality.
The point is, I think I have the right to whatever information I want, but when the need to know starts to disrupt my life and cause me pain, I'm stepping into codependent territory. Nothing wrong with that, but it helps me to be able to distinguish what I want to do to help myself heal vs. what I feel compelled to do because I let another person's behavior affect me and feel that I can do something to control that person's behavior. (I can't.)
The final clue that broke the camel's back was that there are 10 pages in the book that describe codependent characteristics and - those of you who also identify with being codependent will probably laugh at me - I was shocked to see that I had at least 75% of the characteristics listed. It's very subtle. I don't cover up for Husband when his addictions interfere with his life, I don't secretly follow him, I don't submit to physical or emotional abuse. But there are lots of things, some might call them "nice" traits: I try to say what I think will please people; have a difficult time asserting my rights; avoid talking about myself and talk about other people's problems instead; try to fix and prevent problems in other peoples' lives; fear rejection; am afraid of making mistakes. The list goes on.
In my experience, recognition and awareness have been the first steps toward freedom from ways of being that leave me unhappy. So that's the value I find in accepting the codependent label, and accepting that my journey is to recover from that way of being. I want to be free of the anguish and anxiety that result from my codependent thoughts and behaviors.
Free my mind, and the rest will follow.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What does co-dependency look like?
It goes something like this...
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
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