Marcie sent me this today:
“ Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within… all cravings are the mind seeking salvation or fulfillment in external things and in the future as a substitute for the joy of being.” - Ekhart Tolle
I think it's a concise way of putting what Husband was doing into context.
Driving back from taking Son to play in the snow north of LA, my mind drifted to thoughts of the places Husband had gone for sex. Heading west into the city we passed through one of the communities he went where there is a brothel - I guess that's what you'd call it, although that seems old fashioned.
I wondered again what must have been going through his mind, what he thought about on those drives to and from meeting prostitutes, how he put it into the context of the rest of his life.
He said there's no rational answer, that the reality lies somewhere in craziness. Not as an excuse, but as the best explanation he has to offer. There's no question in my mind that he was seeking substitutes for the joy of being, because he was so removed from that joy at the time.
I still struggle with how to reconcile the shift with Husband. For years he's the person I love and trust the most and in an instant he became the person who lied to me and hurt me far beyond what anyone else, beyond any perceived "worst enemy" I've ever faced in life. Yes he still loves me, but instead of being the safest place, he's the most dangerous place. It's such an abrupt transition that the ongoing processing of it still causes glitches in my mind.
Showing posts with label disorientation. Show all posts
Showing posts with label disorientation. Show all posts
Monday, January 14, 2008
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What does co-dependency look like?
It goes something like this...
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
My existential crisis persists
Friday night I made some last minute plans to meet Husband to see a play. The play was at a theater we founded 10 years ago. I was involved near the beginning, but I haven't stayed involved over the years as he has.
As I got ready to leave I started thinking about the possibility that he was having an affair with someone at the theater. There are plenty of young, beautiful, talented women there. Maybe he met someone and has been meeting her at the theater. Maybe that's why he's often having to go to see shows at the last minute (he's on the Board, so he has to see the shows but we never make regular plans to go together)...maybe he didn't sound so excited that I was coming when I called to tell him...maybe if I get there earlier than I said I would I'll be able to tell who he's cheating with and catch him in intimate conversation with her...will it always be like this?...will I always wonder?....not just with Husband, but with any partner I'm in an intimate relationship with?...how can I ever know? I've learned that appearances will deceive. Of all the people I've met in my life, Husband seemed like the last person who would ever lie to me, cheat on me, have sex with other women. Not just by my judgement - I've had friends who know about this situation say the same. My heart was pounding, my lips were getting cold, my breathing was rapid.
When I arrived at the theater at 5 minutes to curtain, Husband was by himself in the little box office selling tickets. No beautiful, talented, young woman exchanging hushed, intimate conversation and sharing looks and laughs as I'd envisioned. I was somewhat relieved, but still shaking inside. Husband could tell immediately that there was something wrong and asked if I was okay. I told him I was having some anxiety, but there was no time to talk at that moment so I waited until intermission to tell him the specifics.
We talked at length during intermission, after the show, later that night by the fire in our back yard, and more at couples therapy yesterday. I feel much better now, because I've made a connection to who he is today instead of who he was before he began to get help and support for his issues.
It was so weird, because I don't often think about him having affairs with people now - or even paid sex with prostitutes. I believe him when he tells me that the only extramarital sex he's had is with prostitutes, and that he's not doing that anymore. I don't know what initiated that anxiety, but I know it's a product of the existential crisis I'm working through based on the new context I have in life.
A couple big fears I identified from the experience: I'm afraid that since there's no way to know for sure that someone won't betray me (for example, having a loving, intimate relationship with someone for two decades is no indication) I'll just get hurt deeply hurt again if I place my trust in someone. Right now I don't feel willing to go through this depth of pain again. I'm also afraid that I'll be so good at protecting myself that I'll end up alone - not physically alone, but alone inside, alone in my deepest, most intimate places. I don't want that kind of life. I've seen too many examples and it's too sad an existence.
As I got ready to leave I started thinking about the possibility that he was having an affair with someone at the theater. There are plenty of young, beautiful, talented women there. Maybe he met someone and has been meeting her at the theater. Maybe that's why he's often having to go to see shows at the last minute (he's on the Board, so he has to see the shows but we never make regular plans to go together)...maybe he didn't sound so excited that I was coming when I called to tell him...maybe if I get there earlier than I said I would I'll be able to tell who he's cheating with and catch him in intimate conversation with her...will it always be like this?...will I always wonder?....not just with Husband, but with any partner I'm in an intimate relationship with?...how can I ever know? I've learned that appearances will deceive. Of all the people I've met in my life, Husband seemed like the last person who would ever lie to me, cheat on me, have sex with other women. Not just by my judgement - I've had friends who know about this situation say the same. My heart was pounding, my lips were getting cold, my breathing was rapid.
When I arrived at the theater at 5 minutes to curtain, Husband was by himself in the little box office selling tickets. No beautiful, talented, young woman exchanging hushed, intimate conversation and sharing looks and laughs as I'd envisioned. I was somewhat relieved, but still shaking inside. Husband could tell immediately that there was something wrong and asked if I was okay. I told him I was having some anxiety, but there was no time to talk at that moment so I waited until intermission to tell him the specifics.
We talked at length during intermission, after the show, later that night by the fire in our back yard, and more at couples therapy yesterday. I feel much better now, because I've made a connection to who he is today instead of who he was before he began to get help and support for his issues.
It was so weird, because I don't often think about him having affairs with people now - or even paid sex with prostitutes. I believe him when he tells me that the only extramarital sex he's had is with prostitutes, and that he's not doing that anymore. I don't know what initiated that anxiety, but I know it's a product of the existential crisis I'm working through based on the new context I have in life.
A couple big fears I identified from the experience: I'm afraid that since there's no way to know for sure that someone won't betray me (for example, having a loving, intimate relationship with someone for two decades is no indication) I'll just get hurt deeply hurt again if I place my trust in someone. Right now I don't feel willing to go through this depth of pain again. I'm also afraid that I'll be so good at protecting myself that I'll end up alone - not physically alone, but alone inside, alone in my deepest, most intimate places. I don't want that kind of life. I've seen too many examples and it's too sad an existence.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
To Husband: Why I'm Down Today
Husband - From time to time I have an overwhelming feeling of "what's the point?"
I feel like we've been building our relationship for 20 years and what I have left now in the wake of June 1st is almost starting over relative to what I had before in terms of trust.
I have a man who loves me and is willing to build an extraordinary relationship and life with me, which is incredible. But it feels like a starting point, and after 20 years of building such profound deep trust and openness as I had with you before that's now mostly gone, it leaves me with that "what's the point" feeling. I feel a deep and profound emptiness today around that. I really want to shake this and not have this going on for Son's birthday. But I'm having trouble doing that today.
So that's where I was this morning when you asked me how I was doing. That's where I am now. If you have anything to offer in the way of love, comfort, thoughts, etc. I'd welcome them.
I feel like we've been building our relationship for 20 years and what I have left now in the wake of June 1st is almost starting over relative to what I had before in terms of trust.
I have a man who loves me and is willing to build an extraordinary relationship and life with me, which is incredible. But it feels like a starting point, and after 20 years of building such profound deep trust and openness as I had with you before that's now mostly gone, it leaves me with that "what's the point" feeling. I feel a deep and profound emptiness today around that. I really want to shake this and not have this going on for Son's birthday. But I'm having trouble doing that today.
So that's where I was this morning when you asked me how I was doing. That's where I am now. If you have anything to offer in the way of love, comfort, thoughts, etc. I'd welcome them.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Invasive thoughts persist
They are fewer, but 3 months after finding out about Husband's infidelity thoughts of him with other women still persist. We were making love this morning and for some reason I couldn't get out of my head thinking about him with two women, which he did several times. It's one of those things I can't compete with. I will always be only one person. Maybe sex with me will never be quite as thrilling.
Another invasive thought that came into my head today was thinking about his choice of blond women, and his fan "crush" on a particular young blond actress from a favorite TV show. The fantasy blond, blue eyed cheerleader type is something else I'll never be. And though I know it's irrational based on everything he and I have talked about, my mind wonders if he's tired of my "type" and secretly wishes for something different.
I believe that these thoughts are irrational, and the fears they represent mostly unsubstantiated, but there they are. It feels childish to the point of being embarrassing, but I feel compelled to document this. After 19 years together I still worry that somehow I'm not enough. His issues have ignited my issues, and my issues are demanding to be dealt with. I think these fears and insecurities may never go away, so my peace and happiness lies in how I respond to them. Therein lies my choice and my power.
Another invasive thought that came into my head today was thinking about his choice of blond women, and his fan "crush" on a particular young blond actress from a favorite TV show. The fantasy blond, blue eyed cheerleader type is something else I'll never be. And though I know it's irrational based on everything he and I have talked about, my mind wonders if he's tired of my "type" and secretly wishes for something different.
I believe that these thoughts are irrational, and the fears they represent mostly unsubstantiated, but there they are. It feels childish to the point of being embarrassing, but I feel compelled to document this. After 19 years together I still worry that somehow I'm not enough. His issues have ignited my issues, and my issues are demanding to be dealt with. I think these fears and insecurities may never go away, so my peace and happiness lies in how I respond to them. Therein lies my choice and my power.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Feeling deeply lonely
I'm feeling deeply lonely because I'm having all these feelings of pain and fear and anxiety, and the person with whom I had the deepest connection in my life is gone. I feel like he's suddenly dead. And in his place, in my bed, in my life is this other person who I'm not sure I know or can trust. He looks and seems like the man who was here before, but he has a whole different, scary aspect to him that the other man didn't. He's lied and hurt me and I don't know how to know he won't do it again. I don't know the person who did this to me, because the person I knew before would never have done that. And this person has brought me this whole unwelcome history that I now have to carry with me for the rest of my life. A history that makes me sick and nauseous every time I think of it. I'm angry because I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship again. I'm afraid I'll never have deep trust or deep connection with another man, because if this relationship that seemed so true and so real and was built slowly over 2 decades has turned out this way, how can I ever hope to have anything good. I don't have another 20 years to fall in love and create a love and a life with someone else. But I don't understand how to expect or want anything else. Tonight I feel lonely and full of despair. It seems like my best chance at happiness is to learn to trust this man, because somewhere in there may really be the man I used to know. But I'm really afraid it may not be possible. I'm afraid there will always be something between us that prevents the deep connection I felt before. But, as I've said in earlier posts, perhaps all that was an illusion anyway, because I don't know if he felt that connected. Actually, I'm pretty sure he felt more connected to me than anyone else in his life. So he probably felt as connected to me as he possibly could given his conscious and unconscious beliefs about himself and the world.
I think I've been drinking too much. But sometimes it hurts so much I just want to stop the pain a bit. Today I had a couple shots of coffee flavored vodka and a glass of red wine. Last night, only a glass of wine. The night before about 3 shots of vodka. But the days before that probably not much, since we didn't have anything in the house. I've stopped buying scotch as that was definitely going too fast. The last thing I want to do to myself and my son is turn into an alcoholic.
Thank god we moved up couples therapy to tomorrow night. I'm freaking out a bit I think. Can't focus at work either, and the cracks are beginning to show there. I need some relief.
I think I've been drinking too much. But sometimes it hurts so much I just want to stop the pain a bit. Today I had a couple shots of coffee flavored vodka and a glass of red wine. Last night, only a glass of wine. The night before about 3 shots of vodka. But the days before that probably not much, since we didn't have anything in the house. I've stopped buying scotch as that was definitely going too fast. The last thing I want to do to myself and my son is turn into an alcoholic.
Thank god we moved up couples therapy to tomorrow night. I'm freaking out a bit I think. Can't focus at work either, and the cracks are beginning to show there. I need some relief.
Struggling today
I keep getting waves of sadness about the number of other people Husband has been intimate with. Intercourse with at least 25 prostitutes and lap dances, blow jobs and hand jobs with countless others. I feel like the intimate relationship between us has been so violated by these acts. Although I realize there are many sex addicts whose activites dwarf those of my husband, I'm finding it very hard to fit all of this into my understanding of my life.
Overwhelmed again by sadness
After my SAnon meeting last night I was feeling sad. Didn't know why. Went to see my friend Sophie as I often do on Tuesday nights. After I left I was overcome by sadness and that burning pain that feels like it's never going to go away when it settles in.
I still can't believe this is my life now. I thought I had this most beautiful, special, once-in-a-lifetime human connection with Husband, and now instead I have this painful history of Husband betraying my deepest trust by having secret sexual experiences with countless women, and I had nothing to do with creating this history but now it's mine forever and there's no way for me to get away from the pain it brings. I feel disconnected at a fundmental level from Husband, and I'm afriad that dispite everything we're both doing I'll never have such a deep connected feeling to him again, and that is a source of even deeper pain and grief.
I really felt as though I was getting past these moments of intense pain. I wonder how long these feelings will persist. I wish this was over, that we could go back in time and make it never happen so I could have the relationship I thought I had. I know that's fantasy, and doesn't address the pain and suffering Husband was going through while I was so blissful. But that's what my crazy mind wants.
I still can't believe this is my life now. I thought I had this most beautiful, special, once-in-a-lifetime human connection with Husband, and now instead I have this painful history of Husband betraying my deepest trust by having secret sexual experiences with countless women, and I had nothing to do with creating this history but now it's mine forever and there's no way for me to get away from the pain it brings. I feel disconnected at a fundmental level from Husband, and I'm afriad that dispite everything we're both doing I'll never have such a deep connected feeling to him again, and that is a source of even deeper pain and grief.
I really felt as though I was getting past these moments of intense pain. I wonder how long these feelings will persist. I wish this was over, that we could go back in time and make it never happen so I could have the relationship I thought I had. I know that's fantasy, and doesn't address the pain and suffering Husband was going through while I was so blissful. But that's what my crazy mind wants.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Realizations about betrayal
Finding out that Husband has been seeking sexual experiences with other women since before we were married has been very painful. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've had a couple realizations.
We were leaving the pool after spending the afternoon there together on Sunday. Our favorite pool is right by one of the clubs where Husband has gone to get lap dances. Seeing that building where I know my husband went and had an orgasm with another woman was such a trigger for feelings of anxiety. I tried to identify more specifically what was going on for me, and I realized that I was experiencing a deep sense of loss of control. It felt like when somebody dies and there's nothing you can do. It's so final. There's no way to stop this horrible thing because it's already done. And maybe you have regrets, something different you would have done if you'd had the chance.
As I thought about it more yesterday, I realized that this must be what it feels like to get raped. You lose control over a very fundamental part of your life, then something is over and done with and you've had no say in the matter, but must deal with the emotional, psychological, physical and other consequences. That really summarizes my feeling of loss of control.
The second thing I realized over the last couple days is that my relationship with Husband was where I brought the most authentic expression of myself, and had the experience of life that felt the most real to me. I brought myself with full honesty and openness, hid nothing, and gave freely. I thought it was the one place where there was nothing between me and the experience of being alive. I wasn't playing any role (employee, parent, "good person," counselor, caretaker, smart person, ambitious person, etc), wasn't worried about "being" something that I wasn't or playing games of any kind, no testing, no passive aggressive payback, mind games, manipulation or anything like that. I was as real and honest an expression of myself as I could possibly be with Husband. To discover that what felt like the most profound experience of reality and existence for me was constructed inside a context fraught with secrets and lies has been overwhelming and traumatizing. The confusion and disorientation is pervasive, but no wonder - because my most fundamental grounding in "reality" has been severed.
I told Husband last night that I removed my ring. He was stunned and saddened, but we talked about it and I think he understands. He's scared though. He thought disclosure would give us some closure but he feels like it's just unraveling things further. I told him I wanted us to work together to help me figure out what it stands for, because to wear it when I'm no longer sure is painful. We're trying hard not to talk about things, though (on our therapist's advice), until we get back into our therapist's office on Thursday night. But I had to tell him about the ring - it just didn't seem right to wait until he noticed. Too much like a game.
We were leaving the pool after spending the afternoon there together on Sunday. Our favorite pool is right by one of the clubs where Husband has gone to get lap dances. Seeing that building where I know my husband went and had an orgasm with another woman was such a trigger for feelings of anxiety. I tried to identify more specifically what was going on for me, and I realized that I was experiencing a deep sense of loss of control. It felt like when somebody dies and there's nothing you can do. It's so final. There's no way to stop this horrible thing because it's already done. And maybe you have regrets, something different you would have done if you'd had the chance.
As I thought about it more yesterday, I realized that this must be what it feels like to get raped. You lose control over a very fundamental part of your life, then something is over and done with and you've had no say in the matter, but must deal with the emotional, psychological, physical and other consequences. That really summarizes my feeling of loss of control.
The second thing I realized over the last couple days is that my relationship with Husband was where I brought the most authentic expression of myself, and had the experience of life that felt the most real to me. I brought myself with full honesty and openness, hid nothing, and gave freely. I thought it was the one place where there was nothing between me and the experience of being alive. I wasn't playing any role (employee, parent, "good person," counselor, caretaker, smart person, ambitious person, etc), wasn't worried about "being" something that I wasn't or playing games of any kind, no testing, no passive aggressive payback, mind games, manipulation or anything like that. I was as real and honest an expression of myself as I could possibly be with Husband. To discover that what felt like the most profound experience of reality and existence for me was constructed inside a context fraught with secrets and lies has been overwhelming and traumatizing. The confusion and disorientation is pervasive, but no wonder - because my most fundamental grounding in "reality" has been severed.
I told Husband last night that I removed my ring. He was stunned and saddened, but we talked about it and I think he understands. He's scared though. He thought disclosure would give us some closure but he feels like it's just unraveling things further. I told him I wanted us to work together to help me figure out what it stands for, because to wear it when I'm no longer sure is painful. We're trying hard not to talk about things, though (on our therapist's advice), until we get back into our therapist's office on Thursday night. But I had to tell him about the ring - it just didn't seem right to wait until he noticed. Too much like a game.
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