Finding out that Husband has been seeking sexual experiences with other women since before we were married has been very painful. I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've had a couple realizations.
We were leaving the pool after spending the afternoon there together on Sunday. Our favorite pool is right by one of the clubs where Husband has gone to get lap dances. Seeing that building where I know my husband went and had an orgasm with another woman was such a trigger for feelings of anxiety. I tried to identify more specifically what was going on for me, and I realized that I was experiencing a deep sense of loss of control. It felt like when somebody dies and there's nothing you can do. It's so final. There's no way to stop this horrible thing because it's already done. And maybe you have regrets, something different you would have done if you'd had the chance.
As I thought about it more yesterday, I realized that this must be what it feels like to get raped. You lose control over a very fundamental part of your life, then something is over and done with and you've had no say in the matter, but must deal with the emotional, psychological, physical and other consequences. That really summarizes my feeling of loss of control.
The second thing I realized over the last couple days is that my relationship with Husband was where I brought the most authentic expression of myself, and had the experience of life that felt the most real to me. I brought myself with full honesty and openness, hid nothing, and gave freely. I thought it was the one place where there was nothing between me and the experience of being alive. I wasn't playing any role (employee, parent, "good person," counselor, caretaker, smart person, ambitious person, etc), wasn't worried about "being" something that I wasn't or playing games of any kind, no testing, no passive aggressive payback, mind games, manipulation or anything like that. I was as real and honest an expression of myself as I could possibly be with Husband. To discover that what felt like the most profound experience of reality and existence for me was constructed inside a context fraught with secrets and lies has been overwhelming and traumatizing. The confusion and disorientation is pervasive, but no wonder - because my most fundamental grounding in "reality" has been severed.
I told Husband last night that I removed my ring. He was stunned and saddened, but we talked about it and I think he understands. He's scared though. He thought disclosure would give us some closure but he feels like it's just unraveling things further. I told him I wanted us to work together to help me figure out what it stands for, because to wear it when I'm no longer sure is painful. We're trying hard not to talk about things, though (on our therapist's advice), until we get back into our therapist's office on Thursday night. But I had to tell him about the ring - it just didn't seem right to wait until he noticed. Too much like a game.
Showing posts with label compulsive. Show all posts
Showing posts with label compulsive. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Delayed response to disclosure
Starting last night I began to feel more sadness and loss about what I found out in disclosure. I'd been holding on to the time in my marriage when I thought we had no secrets between us. Now that is gone.
I'd been holding on to that precious time when I was pregnant, and those 5 months we had afer Son was born as a time when we were so blissfully happy at the experience of having a child together, and I wasn't sharing my husband with other women. Now that's gone.
To know I've never had a marriage without lies. To know that my husband has been having sex with other women (even if it wasn't intercourse) since I was pregnant...just invalidates for me so much more of my experience of life. Or at least confuses it. What was real? What does anything mean? What was valid?
I don't know.
I took off my wedding ring today. I just don't know what it means anymore, and wearing it while that's so undefined in my head is painful. I want it to stand for something, and until I know it does I don't want to wear it. I don't want to devalue the meaning of that ring any more than it has been devalued already.
I'd been holding on to that precious time when I was pregnant, and those 5 months we had afer Son was born as a time when we were so blissfully happy at the experience of having a child together, and I wasn't sharing my husband with other women. Now that's gone.
To know I've never had a marriage without lies. To know that my husband has been having sex with other women (even if it wasn't intercourse) since I was pregnant...just invalidates for me so much more of my experience of life. Or at least confuses it. What was real? What does anything mean? What was valid?
I don't know.
I took off my wedding ring today. I just don't know what it means anymore, and wearing it while that's so undefined in my head is painful. I want it to stand for something, and until I know it does I don't want to wear it. I don't want to devalue the meaning of that ring any more than it has been devalued already.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Disclosure went ok
I finished my letter at 5am yesterday morning. Husband had been ready since Tuesday after some final conversations with our therapist.
Following instructions, we arrived in separate cars and had plans for childcare so we could have time alone, either together or individually, after the session.
Husband was in the waiting room when I arrived right at 11am. We sat down with our therapist and she explained briefly that Husband would read and then I would read. I was able to stop and ask questions throughout if I wanted, although she said she might ask me to hold off on questions that might just result in uneraseable memories for me that would serve little purpose.
I was a little suprised at the thick sheaf of papers Husband held, wondering if I was going to get a lot more than I was expecting. I braced myself and he started reading his timeline of significant events and sexual secrets, beginning somewhere around the time his parents divorced when he was 8.
I've heard that you always find out something new, and I did. Not very much, but significant to me. Fortunately, given what I already knew, it was not overwhelming. It turns out that Husband had been seeking lap dances to orgasm at strip clubs since before we were married. It was infrequent, but still, it was jolting and disappointing to realize that sexual fidelity had never, ever been present in my marriage.
The second new piece of information I received was that Husband began getting hand jobs and blow jobs when I was pregnant with our son, and not after he was born. In fact, the incident where he invited the two women over to our apartment happend when I was pregnant. That too, was disappointing, as common as it is. Apparently the stress of pregnancy and birth is a common trigger for sexual infidelity with men.
Men are the weakers sex, no doubt about it. It makes me angry to think about the stress I was going through over the past years. Why was his reaction to go out and fuck a bunch of other women? I dealt with it and tried to be positive. Sure I was grumpy and pissed off and distracted and unhappy sometimes, but I didn't lie and throw away trust and a relationship that had been growing for almost 20 years. I need to bring this to therapy.
After he was done, I felt pretty contained. Then I read my letter. Eight pages. Husband wept throughout, as I talked about what I'd lost, my own failings in our relationship,our wedding vows, my sadness, the sudden and gripping anxiety that overwhelms me at times when I think about what he's done, my loss of self confidence, and the ways in which I and our relationship have been forever changed. At the end, he said he felt deep anguish because he really got for the first time how pervasive the impact of his lies and infidelity are in my life.
We usually go to lunch after therapy, but Husband needed time alone. I went grocery shopping.
Following instructions, we arrived in separate cars and had plans for childcare so we could have time alone, either together or individually, after the session.
Husband was in the waiting room when I arrived right at 11am. We sat down with our therapist and she explained briefly that Husband would read and then I would read. I was able to stop and ask questions throughout if I wanted, although she said she might ask me to hold off on questions that might just result in uneraseable memories for me that would serve little purpose.
I was a little suprised at the thick sheaf of papers Husband held, wondering if I was going to get a lot more than I was expecting. I braced myself and he started reading his timeline of significant events and sexual secrets, beginning somewhere around the time his parents divorced when he was 8.
I've heard that you always find out something new, and I did. Not very much, but significant to me. Fortunately, given what I already knew, it was not overwhelming. It turns out that Husband had been seeking lap dances to orgasm at strip clubs since before we were married. It was infrequent, but still, it was jolting and disappointing to realize that sexual fidelity had never, ever been present in my marriage.
The second new piece of information I received was that Husband began getting hand jobs and blow jobs when I was pregnant with our son, and not after he was born. In fact, the incident where he invited the two women over to our apartment happend when I was pregnant. That too, was disappointing, as common as it is. Apparently the stress of pregnancy and birth is a common trigger for sexual infidelity with men.
Men are the weakers sex, no doubt about it. It makes me angry to think about the stress I was going through over the past years. Why was his reaction to go out and fuck a bunch of other women? I dealt with it and tried to be positive. Sure I was grumpy and pissed off and distracted and unhappy sometimes, but I didn't lie and throw away trust and a relationship that had been growing for almost 20 years. I need to bring this to therapy.
After he was done, I felt pretty contained. Then I read my letter. Eight pages. Husband wept throughout, as I talked about what I'd lost, my own failings in our relationship,our wedding vows, my sadness, the sudden and gripping anxiety that overwhelms me at times when I think about what he's done, my loss of self confidence, and the ways in which I and our relationship have been forever changed. At the end, he said he felt deep anguish because he really got for the first time how pervasive the impact of his lies and infidelity are in my life.
We usually go to lunch after therapy, but Husband needed time alone. I went grocery shopping.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Husband traveling
Another source of my heightened anxiety may be that Husband told me this morning that he may need to travel to Florida on business for a couple days next week. I've read some of his emails from his last trips to Florida when he tried to engage prostitutes and I know he went to strip clubs. (He even tried to get two women at once again on his last trip to Florida) So I'm nervous that this might trigger him again.
But I need to give into the fact that I can't control him. He will go and do what he does, and I will do what I do, and we'll see where that takes us I guess.
But I need to give into the fact that I can't control him. He will go and do what he does, and I will do what I do, and we'll see where that takes us I guess.
More anxiety and invasive thoughts
I started feeling that jittery anxiety again a little last night and more this morning. I think the source of it is that I can't stop thinking about Husband touching other women when he touches me.
I'm thinner now and I wonder if he likes the way I feel now better because it's closer to the way a perfect figures feels. There are some ways he touches me that make me think about how he must have touched those prostitutes.
And I wonder what it was like the first few times touching another woman's body. Was it exciting to be discovering someone new after all these years? Was it exhilirating and thrilling to run his hands over those women, exploring their unfamiliar smoothness, softness, taughtness? I wish I could get this out of my head, but it just shows up.
Maybe I'm anxious because disclosure is tomorrow.
I'm thinner now and I wonder if he likes the way I feel now better because it's closer to the way a perfect figures feels. There are some ways he touches me that make me think about how he must have touched those prostitutes.
And I wonder what it was like the first few times touching another woman's body. Was it exciting to be discovering someone new after all these years? Was it exhilirating and thrilling to run his hands over those women, exploring their unfamiliar smoothness, softness, taughtness? I wish I could get this out of my head, but it just shows up.
Maybe I'm anxious because disclosure is tomorrow.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Disclosure this Saturday
The past few days since Monday have been better. I talked with my therapist about my anxiety and by the end of the session I was feeling more relaxed again.
We talked about how for me part of this is a journey about learning to look at the darker things in life without giving up the essence of myself, which is more positive and upbeat. I need to find a balance between being empowered by being able to put things behind me to move forward and shying away from dealing with what I perceive as unpleasant, bad, negative, etc.
We also talked about possible patterns in my relationships. I've had 4 significant relationships in my life (only 3 sexual relationships): Junior high boyfriend (for a summer), high school boyfriend (2 1/2 years), college boyfriend (5 years) and Husband (19 years). I recently realized all have involved infidelity or betrayal.
With jr. high guy, after a summer of hanging out with me he came back from a vacation in Costa Rica and would barely acknowledge me. I realized later that he must have lost his virginity, and ditched me because I'd made it clear that I wasn't going to let go of mine. So that was a betrayal.
With high school guy, I was going away to college and he was staying in Seattle. I can't quite recall the details or sequence of events, but he started a relationship with another woman while we were still together. I think maybe we'd agreed that we'd date other people, but I also remember being very hurt by something that happened although I can't remember what it was. Ultimately I ended up meeting college boyfriend and breaking up with high school guy. But there was definitely some element of another woman toward the end of that high school relationship.
I found out about 10 years after the fact that college boyfriend and my sorority pledge mother had drunken sex once after I transferred to another school. This was about 2 1/2 years into our 5 year relationship. I didn't experience this as a betrayal though, because I found out about it after I was emotionally disconnected from him. But it is another instance of infidelity.
And then of course, there's Husband and all of his activity.
I don't know if that makes a pattern. My therapist feels that there's something there to explore. So we'll continue to do that. What about me do men who are prone to infidelity find attractive? What do I find attractive about men who do this kind of thing? Right now it's a mystery to me because the relationships and circumstances all seem so different. But who knows? Maybe there are insights to be had here. I'll be looking.
Some incidental notes about this process:
My appetite came back to normal about a week or two ago. I realized about 2 weeks after I found out about Husband's infidelity that I wasn't really eating anything, so I made a conscious effort to get food. But I wasn't really hungry until more recently. I lost about 12 pounds the first month partly from not eating and partly because I was exercising so much to work off the tension and anxiety (this was a very effective tool, by the way.) I was overweight to begin with, so my health was not compromised. I don't feel any urge to overeat, and I'm continuing to exercise. Partly because it gives me a sense of control. Now I'm determined to look and feel my best so that no matter what happens I'm equipped to take care of myself.
And as soon as we get our finances worked out again ($2000 a month in therapy has put us in a crunch) I'm establishing a grooming budget for myself. I think when your partner has sexual activity outside your relationship, breaking an established agreement, you are entitled to a certain amount of money each month to make sure you look and feel your best. Especially if those extramarital partners were 12 - 20 years younger, which all Husband's prostitutes were. Add to that living in a city like LA where most women groom themselves like their lives depend on it... So I've decided that my grooming budget is a household expense, and NOT something that comes out of my personal spending allowance, the way it would have in the past. If our personal allowances are reduced by 50% to accommodate my grooming expense, I see that as a consequence of all of this. Husband and I have yet to discuss this, but I think it's a reasonable request.
Disclosure is Saturday. I'm nervous. I've heard that at the least it's dreadful to hear it all at once, and at worst you find out things you didn't already know about. Both of us are queasy about it. I still need to write my letter. I've set up friends to call if I need to. And people from my S-Anon group have offered their support as well. My mom is taking Son for the day so Husband and I can have time if we need it, as our therapist advised.
We talked about how for me part of this is a journey about learning to look at the darker things in life without giving up the essence of myself, which is more positive and upbeat. I need to find a balance between being empowered by being able to put things behind me to move forward and shying away from dealing with what I perceive as unpleasant, bad, negative, etc.
We also talked about possible patterns in my relationships. I've had 4 significant relationships in my life (only 3 sexual relationships): Junior high boyfriend (for a summer), high school boyfriend (2 1/2 years), college boyfriend (5 years) and Husband (19 years). I recently realized all have involved infidelity or betrayal.
With jr. high guy, after a summer of hanging out with me he came back from a vacation in Costa Rica and would barely acknowledge me. I realized later that he must have lost his virginity, and ditched me because I'd made it clear that I wasn't going to let go of mine. So that was a betrayal.
With high school guy, I was going away to college and he was staying in Seattle. I can't quite recall the details or sequence of events, but he started a relationship with another woman while we were still together. I think maybe we'd agreed that we'd date other people, but I also remember being very hurt by something that happened although I can't remember what it was. Ultimately I ended up meeting college boyfriend and breaking up with high school guy. But there was definitely some element of another woman toward the end of that high school relationship.
I found out about 10 years after the fact that college boyfriend and my sorority pledge mother had drunken sex once after I transferred to another school. This was about 2 1/2 years into our 5 year relationship. I didn't experience this as a betrayal though, because I found out about it after I was emotionally disconnected from him. But it is another instance of infidelity.
And then of course, there's Husband and all of his activity.
I don't know if that makes a pattern. My therapist feels that there's something there to explore. So we'll continue to do that. What about me do men who are prone to infidelity find attractive? What do I find attractive about men who do this kind of thing? Right now it's a mystery to me because the relationships and circumstances all seem so different. But who knows? Maybe there are insights to be had here. I'll be looking.
Some incidental notes about this process:
My appetite came back to normal about a week or two ago. I realized about 2 weeks after I found out about Husband's infidelity that I wasn't really eating anything, so I made a conscious effort to get food. But I wasn't really hungry until more recently. I lost about 12 pounds the first month partly from not eating and partly because I was exercising so much to work off the tension and anxiety (this was a very effective tool, by the way.) I was overweight to begin with, so my health was not compromised. I don't feel any urge to overeat, and I'm continuing to exercise. Partly because it gives me a sense of control. Now I'm determined to look and feel my best so that no matter what happens I'm equipped to take care of myself.
And as soon as we get our finances worked out again ($2000 a month in therapy has put us in a crunch) I'm establishing a grooming budget for myself. I think when your partner has sexual activity outside your relationship, breaking an established agreement, you are entitled to a certain amount of money each month to make sure you look and feel your best. Especially if those extramarital partners were 12 - 20 years younger, which all Husband's prostitutes were. Add to that living in a city like LA where most women groom themselves like their lives depend on it... So I've decided that my grooming budget is a household expense, and NOT something that comes out of my personal spending allowance, the way it would have in the past. If our personal allowances are reduced by 50% to accommodate my grooming expense, I see that as a consequence of all of this. Husband and I have yet to discuss this, but I think it's a reasonable request.
Disclosure is Saturday. I'm nervous. I've heard that at the least it's dreadful to hear it all at once, and at worst you find out things you didn't already know about. Both of us are queasy about it. I still need to write my letter. I've set up friends to call if I need to. And people from my S-Anon group have offered their support as well. My mom is taking Son for the day so Husband and I can have time if we need it, as our therapist advised.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Invasive Thoughts
Last night as Husband and I were making love, I began to have those "invasive thoughts" again. Images running through my head, not of what I was afraid he'd do, but what I imagined him having done with other women. How did he touch them, what did they feel like to him? What did it feel like for him to be inside them?
It really interfered with things. And it left me pretty unsettled. We talked about it a little, but we were both tired and sleep seemed to be a good choice - especially as we've been getting up and meditating.
Today I had a client meeting near the massage parlor in Santa Monica where all the infidelity began. Realizing that triggered anxiety for me (even though I go to Santa Monica regularly for therapy.) On top of that, I tried to call husband and couldn't reach him at work or via cell phone. Before that wouldn't have bothered me. I've never needed constant contact. But today it triggered thoughts of times before when I called and couldn't reach him because he was holding another woman in his arms and doing some of the most physically intimate thing he could possibly be doing with another human being with someone else while I was thinking about him and trying to reach him.
I wondered if he'd ever finished with sex with a prostitute only to turn his phone back on and get a message that I'd left for him while he was with her. I think his response to that would be that if he did, the two things were so unrelated in his mind that he didn't think twice about it. And I understand that kind of denial is how the illness of sexual addiction can manifest itself, and I don't doubt that he really didn't connect the two.
But the question that comes up for me is how could you do something so horrible and then make it possible for yourself to be so disconnected from the impact on me and from the incomprehensible nature of the betrayal that was gong on?
And if this happened before how do I know or have some assurance that it won't happen again?
It really interfered with things. And it left me pretty unsettled. We talked about it a little, but we were both tired and sleep seemed to be a good choice - especially as we've been getting up and meditating.
Today I had a client meeting near the massage parlor in Santa Monica where all the infidelity began. Realizing that triggered anxiety for me (even though I go to Santa Monica regularly for therapy.) On top of that, I tried to call husband and couldn't reach him at work or via cell phone. Before that wouldn't have bothered me. I've never needed constant contact. But today it triggered thoughts of times before when I called and couldn't reach him because he was holding another woman in his arms and doing some of the most physically intimate thing he could possibly be doing with another human being with someone else while I was thinking about him and trying to reach him.
I wondered if he'd ever finished with sex with a prostitute only to turn his phone back on and get a message that I'd left for him while he was with her. I think his response to that would be that if he did, the two things were so unrelated in his mind that he didn't think twice about it. And I understand that kind of denial is how the illness of sexual addiction can manifest itself, and I don't doubt that he really didn't connect the two.
But the question that comes up for me is how could you do something so horrible and then make it possible for yourself to be so disconnected from the impact on me and from the incomprehensible nature of the betrayal that was gong on?
And if this happened before how do I know or have some assurance that it won't happen again?
Sunday, August 5, 2007
A good 4 days
Things have been good the past 4 days.
I accidentally missed my SAnon meeting on Tuesday. I was on the treadmill and suddenly realized it. I think I'll call someone from the program this week just to maintain contact.
Husband has been feeling a fair amount of anxiety around disclosure. Our therapist decided that she wanted to meet with him individually this week to further prepare. So Saturday was a morning full of therapy for Husband while Son and I went to karate class and then to see Underdog (he liked it, me not so much.)
In his individual therapy Husband explored feelings of intense anxiety that seem to have been just below the surface of consciousness for him for a long time - years. And what came up for him was a house he lived in when he was six, and feeling very frightened and like there was nobody there. He feels that there's something he's not remembering about what happened there, but thinks it may have something to do with his mother. At around that time she went to see a psychiatrist in Boston, which he feels indicates something very unusal was going on given what he knows about how his parents deal with problems. As he often says, they're country folk from New England, and they don't turn to that kind of help readily or easily. He also recalls that his mom went for back surgery at around that time, which also seems anomalous. He has a feeling that there is some particular event that is the source of his anxiety, and his fears of being abandoned and of people being angry with him. He's going to talk with his parents to see if he can find out from them what happened.
I think Husband is courageous to be exploring these things. It's evident that it's very hard for him emotionally, and that he's having all kinds of feelings that he used to suppress with his addicitve behaviors. Right now, I'm happy to be feeling on an even keel so as not to add to the emotional intensity of his experience. We still have a lot to address, a long way to go on this journey, and when he's feeling less anxiety and fear I'll push to explore my feelings more deeply again. I know there's stuff in there. The other night I was thinking about how most of the prostitutes husband had had sex with are 15-20 years younger than me. That's definitely weird. I look young for my age, so I don't know that it was a reaction to me, but it still doesn't do much for my self confidence. Another indication that this kind of confidence needs to come from within me, and not have anything to do with Husband.
It's sad to me to think of being less dependent on Husband in ways. While intellectually I know that this dependence is immature, and that healthy adult women get their sense of self from themselves, the fact that I can no longer be confident that Husband will be able to be a source of that confidence because of this betrayal makes me sad. It's akin to a child separating from being dependent on a parent in some ways I guess. And when that happens, you are acknowledging that you alone are responsibile for yourself in the world. And while that is part of growing up, it's also a lonely feeling. And it frightens me a bit, because what it equals in my mind is being the kind of person who doesn't need anybody.
How can I allow myself to need Husband, yet not be dependent on him? Is need a part of the vulnerability of love? Or do I have that wrong. Is there a way to be vulnerable without need? Husband and I were discussing this in the context of Buddhism. Apparently how to be in love and be a strict Buddhist is a difficult question.
I accidentally missed my SAnon meeting on Tuesday. I was on the treadmill and suddenly realized it. I think I'll call someone from the program this week just to maintain contact.
Husband has been feeling a fair amount of anxiety around disclosure. Our therapist decided that she wanted to meet with him individually this week to further prepare. So Saturday was a morning full of therapy for Husband while Son and I went to karate class and then to see Underdog (he liked it, me not so much.)
In his individual therapy Husband explored feelings of intense anxiety that seem to have been just below the surface of consciousness for him for a long time - years. And what came up for him was a house he lived in when he was six, and feeling very frightened and like there was nobody there. He feels that there's something he's not remembering about what happened there, but thinks it may have something to do with his mother. At around that time she went to see a psychiatrist in Boston, which he feels indicates something very unusal was going on given what he knows about how his parents deal with problems. As he often says, they're country folk from New England, and they don't turn to that kind of help readily or easily. He also recalls that his mom went for back surgery at around that time, which also seems anomalous. He has a feeling that there is some particular event that is the source of his anxiety, and his fears of being abandoned and of people being angry with him. He's going to talk with his parents to see if he can find out from them what happened.
I think Husband is courageous to be exploring these things. It's evident that it's very hard for him emotionally, and that he's having all kinds of feelings that he used to suppress with his addicitve behaviors. Right now, I'm happy to be feeling on an even keel so as not to add to the emotional intensity of his experience. We still have a lot to address, a long way to go on this journey, and when he's feeling less anxiety and fear I'll push to explore my feelings more deeply again. I know there's stuff in there. The other night I was thinking about how most of the prostitutes husband had had sex with are 15-20 years younger than me. That's definitely weird. I look young for my age, so I don't know that it was a reaction to me, but it still doesn't do much for my self confidence. Another indication that this kind of confidence needs to come from within me, and not have anything to do with Husband.
It's sad to me to think of being less dependent on Husband in ways. While intellectually I know that this dependence is immature, and that healthy adult women get their sense of self from themselves, the fact that I can no longer be confident that Husband will be able to be a source of that confidence because of this betrayal makes me sad. It's akin to a child separating from being dependent on a parent in some ways I guess. And when that happens, you are acknowledging that you alone are responsibile for yourself in the world. And while that is part of growing up, it's also a lonely feeling. And it frightens me a bit, because what it equals in my mind is being the kind of person who doesn't need anybody.
How can I allow myself to need Husband, yet not be dependent on him? Is need a part of the vulnerability of love? Or do I have that wrong. Is there a way to be vulnerable without need? Husband and I were discussing this in the context of Buddhism. Apparently how to be in love and be a strict Buddhist is a difficult question.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Reminders
Was at Hancock Park today with my son, and realized that Los Angeles will forever have reminders for me: The Park La Brea apartments where Husband met one prostitute, the Sepulveda corridor where he met prostitutes at several different hotels, and the massage parlor right around the block from our old apartment in Santa Monica where he had his first hand job from a masseuse there.
That first hand job, by the way, was the line that he crossed that got him to intercourse with prostitutes. At some point, when I asked him about crossing these lines, he said that the rationalization was something like, "well, I've already had a hand job," then "well, I've already had a blow job," then "well I've already had sex with a prostitute once and it didn't affect my relationship" etc.
I wish I could go back in time and erase that day. But given what I know now, I know there would just have been another day like that. I think this path was somewhat inevitable for him, and I guess for us.
He got his 60 day chip from SAA last night.
That first hand job, by the way, was the line that he crossed that got him to intercourse with prostitutes. At some point, when I asked him about crossing these lines, he said that the rationalization was something like, "well, I've already had a hand job," then "well, I've already had a blow job," then "well I've already had sex with a prostitute once and it didn't affect my relationship" etc.
I wish I could go back in time and erase that day. But given what I know now, I know there would just have been another day like that. I think this path was somewhat inevitable for him, and I guess for us.
He got his 60 day chip from SAA last night.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
What do I want from disclosure?
Spent Monday's therapy session talking about disclosure. Husband is supposed to write his Secrets and Lies List, then put it into a timeline, and finally distill it down to a summary report for the disclosure session. My assignment is to write a list/letter of the ways this situation (discovering that Husband has been contacting/visiting prostitutes and lying/keeping secrets about it)has impacted me. I should think in terms of the following kinds of questions:
How has it affected my perception of ourpast together?
How does it affect my thoughts/hopes/fears/investments re: my/our future?
How has it affected my feelings about myself as a woman?
A sexual being?
A wife?
A mother?
How has it (and all the therapy and financial consequences) affected my
feelings of safety and security, about the predictability of the world
I know?
My therapist said it's important to know my goals going in (my expectations) so we can determine that the disclosure has been successful. I said I want to know dates of activity so I can begin to merge what I know about my life with the larger picture of what was really going on in my life (even though I didn't know about it at the time.) I also want to know everything, and for Husband and I to look at it and acknowledge it together, so that we start building on a clean foundation with nothing hidden. I believe that only when all the facts are on the table can we make informed decisions and choices about what we want to do and/or are willing to do next. Finally, I want to know that Husband sees the full impact, and I want to know that he knows I know the full impact. I don't want to leave him with a feeling of having gotten away with anything, however small.
I read her notes I'd been jotting down all week to help me construct my letter.
As soon as I said I wanted to know everything that happened, the First Step popped into my head and I realized I can't control whether or not Husband tells me the whole truth. So I'll have to compromise there. I'll have to get what I get, and then decide what I want to do based on my boundries, my instincts and my best judgement. So now I'm prepared to come away with less information than I want.
My therapist began to bring up several questions she heard underlying the notes I'd read to her:
Why did this happen?
How do we build trust again?
How will I know I can believe you?
We talked about how these are timeless, archetypal kinds of questions that fall into the category of "unknowable." And I realized that there are some things I won't get answers to, ever. And there are also, as Husband has pointed out, some things for which I won't get an explanation that makes things better - there are some things that are just horrible, and the only answer is that he did them and must deal with the consequences.
How has it affected my perception of ourpast together?
How does it affect my thoughts/hopes/fears/investments re: my/our future?
How has it affected my feelings about myself as a woman?
A sexual being?
A wife?
A mother?
How has it (and all the therapy and financial consequences) affected my
feelings of safety and security, about the predictability of the world
I know?
My therapist said it's important to know my goals going in (my expectations) so we can determine that the disclosure has been successful. I said I want to know dates of activity so I can begin to merge what I know about my life with the larger picture of what was really going on in my life (even though I didn't know about it at the time.) I also want to know everything, and for Husband and I to look at it and acknowledge it together, so that we start building on a clean foundation with nothing hidden. I believe that only when all the facts are on the table can we make informed decisions and choices about what we want to do and/or are willing to do next. Finally, I want to know that Husband sees the full impact, and I want to know that he knows I know the full impact. I don't want to leave him with a feeling of having gotten away with anything, however small.
I read her notes I'd been jotting down all week to help me construct my letter.
As soon as I said I wanted to know everything that happened, the First Step popped into my head and I realized I can't control whether or not Husband tells me the whole truth. So I'll have to compromise there. I'll have to get what I get, and then decide what I want to do based on my boundries, my instincts and my best judgement. So now I'm prepared to come away with less information than I want.
My therapist began to bring up several questions she heard underlying the notes I'd read to her:
Why did this happen?
How do we build trust again?
How will I know I can believe you?
We talked about how these are timeless, archetypal kinds of questions that fall into the category of "unknowable." And I realized that there are some things I won't get answers to, ever. And there are also, as Husband has pointed out, some things for which I won't get an explanation that makes things better - there are some things that are just horrible, and the only answer is that he did them and must deal with the consequences.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Mostly good days and ongoing confusion
The past 5 days have been mostly good. Time with my son, and with Husband. Couples therapy Saturday. I do have what our therapist called "invasive thought" that come up and cause anxiety on a daily basis, but over the past 5 days they haven't spiraled toward deep sadness the way they have at other times.
This morning, was having some feeling of non-specific anxiety, and went to Husband for some good hugs. That helped but the feeling lingers now. Driving to work I realizd that I think sometimes my love for Husband is bound up in a little ball inside me somewhere. I know that I love him, but somehow I don't know that I'm letting myself feel those feelings. As can happen when driving in LA, I got to thinking about being killed in a traffic accident. I thought it would be such a deeply sad thing never to see my son again. But I got this notion that I wouldn't feel that way about Husband. That if I didn't see him again I could carry on. Now, I really do know that I love him. So I was surprised by this apparent lack of connection to those feelings. I'm sure it's a natural and healthy defensive reaction to the betrayal that has taken place. But I had not identified it before. And maybe this disconnection from something that serves as a powerful source of good things in my life (aside from the betrayal and infidelity) is contributing to the anxiety I have today. I don't know.
It's said that to do the same thing and expect a different result is the definition of insanity. So I feel hesitant when I hear Husband express his love and see all the things he's doing to make this right again. This expression of love is something I've seen from him before - but I now know what was actually happening over the last 5 - 9 years when I heard him express his love. So now, it makes me feel very uneasy to hear those things and believe that something different is going on. As lucky as I am to hear those words (I know there are many people who would give anything for a partner that is as dedicated to recovery as my husband) there is a part of me that cannot accept them as true.
This morning, was having some feeling of non-specific anxiety, and went to Husband for some good hugs. That helped but the feeling lingers now. Driving to work I realizd that I think sometimes my love for Husband is bound up in a little ball inside me somewhere. I know that I love him, but somehow I don't know that I'm letting myself feel those feelings. As can happen when driving in LA, I got to thinking about being killed in a traffic accident. I thought it would be such a deeply sad thing never to see my son again. But I got this notion that I wouldn't feel that way about Husband. That if I didn't see him again I could carry on. Now, I really do know that I love him. So I was surprised by this apparent lack of connection to those feelings. I'm sure it's a natural and healthy defensive reaction to the betrayal that has taken place. But I had not identified it before. And maybe this disconnection from something that serves as a powerful source of good things in my life (aside from the betrayal and infidelity) is contributing to the anxiety I have today. I don't know.
It's said that to do the same thing and expect a different result is the definition of insanity. So I feel hesitant when I hear Husband express his love and see all the things he's doing to make this right again. This expression of love is something I've seen from him before - but I now know what was actually happening over the last 5 - 9 years when I heard him express his love. So now, it makes me feel very uneasy to hear those things and believe that something different is going on. As lucky as I am to hear those words (I know there are many people who would give anything for a partner that is as dedicated to recovery as my husband) there is a part of me that cannot accept them as true.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Unexpected feelings
Walking on the treadmill tonight reading in Contrary to Love about co-dependency, and began wondering if Husband was really attending all his meetings. Then I read the sentence about history allowing for the loving confidence that trust can be present and started to cry.
I miss the man I could trust, who made me feel so safe in that way, so safe in the love and the relationship we'd built over all the years.
I'm scared that the line that was crossed can be crossed again much more easily next time. Will he cross over into women he doesn't have to pay to be with?
After all these years of building what I thought was a loving, trusting relationship that was rare in its honesty, clarity, and depth; after almost 2 decades of growing this delicate but strong bond, this is what I have to show for it?
I've been with Husband for almost half my entire life. How can I ever have anything rivaling what I know we had at some point with anybody else? How can I ever have that again with him?
I miss the man I could trust, who made me feel so safe in that way, so safe in the love and the relationship we'd built over all the years.
I'm scared that the line that was crossed can be crossed again much more easily next time. Will he cross over into women he doesn't have to pay to be with?
After all these years of building what I thought was a loving, trusting relationship that was rare in its honesty, clarity, and depth; after almost 2 decades of growing this delicate but strong bond, this is what I have to show for it?
I've been with Husband for almost half my entire life. How can I ever have anything rivaling what I know we had at some point with anybody else? How can I ever have that again with him?
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Full Disclosure
The next step we're taking is the Full Disclosure. Our couples therapist has instructed Husband to write down every secret and lie he's kept or told in his whole life. I am to write a letter about how Husband's secrets and lies have impacted me. We will read these to each other in our therapy session in two weeks. We've also been asked not to discuss these issues until disclosure, which has been hard for me. We discuss aspects of issues, our feelings, thoughts, etc. But we are staying away from talking about the specifics of what happened with the idea that all the information will be in the disclosure document, and that I can ask all the questions I want following that. The approach our therapist is taking assumes that I have a right to know as much as I want to know about all of this, with the caveat that we do it in the safety of our therapy sessions so she can protect me from unnecessary information that can never be erased from my mind (will it really help me to know whose boobs were firmer than mine?) and help us deal with whatever comes up in a healthy way. Once again, thank god for therapists.
I've started jotting down ideas and thoughts I want to put into my letter. Intersting things have come up out of this process. I think it may be an access to my anger and resentment, which I do want to rid myself of, and need to rid myself of if I want a shot at a new and better relationship with Husband. I believe this New and Better is possible, but I'm not assuming anything. Time and my husband's actions will give me a better sense of that.
I've started jotting down ideas and thoughts I want to put into my letter. Intersting things have come up out of this process. I think it may be an access to my anger and resentment, which I do want to rid myself of, and need to rid myself of if I want a shot at a new and better relationship with Husband. I believe this New and Better is possible, but I'm not assuming anything. Time and my husband's actions will give me a better sense of that.
Today is better
I think getting all my feelings out to Husband Sunday night and talking with my therapist yesterday have both served to relieve some of the anxiety, grief and anger I was feeling over the weekend.
My therapist introduced the idea that, while 100% trust may never be restored, there are lesser percentages that I might be able to live with. What about 99.9% or 95% or 90%, she asked. I'd never considered this. I think I could go as low as 95%. That other 5% may have to be the risk I take to be in a relationship in which I'm not always distant from my partner. And what is trust but taking a risk.
Of course the problem is that I gave Husband that power before. Today I realized that it was not so much the responsibility for my happiness that I gave him, but rather the priviledge of holding my happiness. I don't know that I've ever given that to anyone else. If I think of it in terms of a priviledge that I can grant, rather than a state that can be breached only once before it is destroyed, then I can begin to get my head around some kind of trust that feels acceptable to me.
Today power is the issue on my mind. When I keep a part of myself distant from a man, that's power. I'm in control. When I don't retain that, when I open up completely and grant the priviledge of allowing someone to hold my happiness in their hands (NOT the responsibiity to make me happy) then I give up power and control over whether or not I will be happy. Husband said he thinks this is a First Step conversation, but I think it's slightly different from that. I'm under no illusion that I can control anything outside myself anymore. But I can control my decision to let someone else have that special position of holding my happiness in their care. If they hurt me, I can take that priviledge away and take actions necessary to restore my happiness, or at least to dispense with the source of unhappiness so that happiness can be recreated. But it's making that choice to grant that priviledge that gives me pause. That's what's on my mind at the moment. I don't even know if it makes sense. But so much of this doesn't make sense anyway, so that's nothing new.
My therapist introduced the idea that, while 100% trust may never be restored, there are lesser percentages that I might be able to live with. What about 99.9% or 95% or 90%, she asked. I'd never considered this. I think I could go as low as 95%. That other 5% may have to be the risk I take to be in a relationship in which I'm not always distant from my partner. And what is trust but taking a risk.
Of course the problem is that I gave Husband that power before. Today I realized that it was not so much the responsibility for my happiness that I gave him, but rather the priviledge of holding my happiness. I don't know that I've ever given that to anyone else. If I think of it in terms of a priviledge that I can grant, rather than a state that can be breached only once before it is destroyed, then I can begin to get my head around some kind of trust that feels acceptable to me.
Today power is the issue on my mind. When I keep a part of myself distant from a man, that's power. I'm in control. When I don't retain that, when I open up completely and grant the priviledge of allowing someone to hold my happiness in their hands (NOT the responsibiity to make me happy) then I give up power and control over whether or not I will be happy. Husband said he thinks this is a First Step conversation, but I think it's slightly different from that. I'm under no illusion that I can control anything outside myself anymore. But I can control my decision to let someone else have that special position of holding my happiness in their care. If they hurt me, I can take that priviledge away and take actions necessary to restore my happiness, or at least to dispense with the source of unhappiness so that happiness can be recreated. But it's making that choice to grant that priviledge that gives me pause. That's what's on my mind at the moment. I don't even know if it makes sense. But so much of this doesn't make sense anyway, so that's nothing new.
Monday, July 23, 2007
The gifts that come when you need them
I checked my email this morning and found that Marcie had sent me this poem by Mary Oliver on Saturday:
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Oh how I needed that.
Last night was horrible. I'm going through all kinds of emotions, having all kinds of thoughts. The book on grieving says that at first you can be in shock and denial, and then the feelings can come. This is what has happened for me I think. Last night I was in so much pain, and have been since Saturday night. I'm struggling with my own self-doubts tied into my pre-existing self esteem issues, and with the betrayal issues and what they mean about my life, about me. Sometimes I feel like this pain will never end, and I want out of it so badly. I want this part to be over. And I want to get back to being happy and in love and full of trust and optimism about the future. I want to go back and I know I can't and some of the pain is about that loss. I feel like the person I loved has died suddenly and I'll never get to see him or talk to him again. In his place is this person that I don't know if I know, and don't know how I'll ever know if I know. After 19 years of intimacy and profound, deep closeness and sharing of myself, I'd think I would know by looking into Husband's eyes if there was such a fundamental betrayal happening. But apparently not. And I'm left with the feeling that I am alone, that to expect to be able to trust anyone that deeply is a delusion that will eventually result in this kind of pain. This is a feeling I thought I got past 30 years ago when I dealt with my father's betrayal. It's been so long now since I've thought of men as a category of people who couldn't be trusted, who had to be kept at a distance. But now it seems like that's the only way to be safe from this kind of disillusionment. The reality is that the only person you can really depend on is yourself, and thinking otherwise is a dangerous risk. But I know I can trust Marcie and Nora and Sophia. And there are other girlfriends I can trust. So it seems like men are the problem. Men with too much power in my life. But the thought that I can't give myself so completely to another person - to ever have that level of intimacy and trust again - is also painful, also something to grieve. Why are we put here if only to figure out how alone we are? What kind of lesson is that?
Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting-
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Oh how I needed that.
Last night was horrible. I'm going through all kinds of emotions, having all kinds of thoughts. The book on grieving says that at first you can be in shock and denial, and then the feelings can come. This is what has happened for me I think. Last night I was in so much pain, and have been since Saturday night. I'm struggling with my own self-doubts tied into my pre-existing self esteem issues, and with the betrayal issues and what they mean about my life, about me. Sometimes I feel like this pain will never end, and I want out of it so badly. I want this part to be over. And I want to get back to being happy and in love and full of trust and optimism about the future. I want to go back and I know I can't and some of the pain is about that loss. I feel like the person I loved has died suddenly and I'll never get to see him or talk to him again. In his place is this person that I don't know if I know, and don't know how I'll ever know if I know. After 19 years of intimacy and profound, deep closeness and sharing of myself, I'd think I would know by looking into Husband's eyes if there was such a fundamental betrayal happening. But apparently not. And I'm left with the feeling that I am alone, that to expect to be able to trust anyone that deeply is a delusion that will eventually result in this kind of pain. This is a feeling I thought I got past 30 years ago when I dealt with my father's betrayal. It's been so long now since I've thought of men as a category of people who couldn't be trusted, who had to be kept at a distance. But now it seems like that's the only way to be safe from this kind of disillusionment. The reality is that the only person you can really depend on is yourself, and thinking otherwise is a dangerous risk. But I know I can trust Marcie and Nora and Sophia. And there are other girlfriends I can trust. So it seems like men are the problem. Men with too much power in my life. But the thought that I can't give myself so completely to another person - to ever have that level of intimacy and trust again - is also painful, also something to grieve. Why are we put here if only to figure out how alone we are? What kind of lesson is that?
More information, very hard days
Found out tonight that Husband has had sex with two prostitutes at once, at least one time, probably pretty recently (prior to June 1 though.)
I was already having a very difficult time, and this is hard to take on top of it all. How can I possibly compete with two women? I know it's not about that, but that's what's on my mind. How can sex with me ever equal sex with two women at once? When we were talking last night (another hard night) and I said that I was realizing that monogamy meant to me that he had decided I was enough, and that he'd chosen me and decided to give up all those other possiblities. He said that was true, he had chosen me. He had had all those things that I was thinking about - prostitutes with beautiful bodies that I have never and will never look like - and that he had chosen me, that nothing was better than me.
Of course the point to me is that I chose him in 1988 when I told him I loved him (this was a very big deal to both of us at the time) and then again in 1997 when I married him. And I thought he'd done the same. I didn't think that he'd be continuing to test drive other models, and so this doesn't really give me any consolation.
I'm having an existential crisis. I don't know who he is, what my life really is, if I can trust myself to know if I know him (after 19 years I thought I did, but I looked into his eyes for the last 5-plus years and didn't have any idea what was going on so how will I ever know if I know him?) I feel like the man I knew has died suddenly. And now I'm alone in the world. And I didn't get to say goodbye to him. And I wish I could have one last conversation with him -to talk to someone I trust at that level just one more time. Someone who has, knowing me more intimately than anyone else, chosen me, and made me feel that I was enough. And who I knew like I know myself. And now he's dead. He's gone forever and I'll never get to talk to him again. This hurts. I wish I could get rid of this pain. I just wish I could stop it for a while. I've been trying scotch, but I have a son, and can't be that self-indulgent. But sometimes I just can't take it - sometimes I need a respite. So many people have it so much worse than I do. I feel pathetic in many ways. But I have no other context aside from my own. I want so much to be Zen about all this. To not be attached. To seek the lessons here, not resist, to have compassion. But this hurts so fucking much, and I feel like all I can do is have this pain or ignore this pain. Those are the two states I find myself in right now. There are many moments when this still feels like a dream, like I"m really going to wake up and it's going to be over or never have happened. Oh god...I don't know how I can stand this much longer. But the only cure for this...the only hope is time. But I can't stand this pain for so long. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. The one person I want to talk to is gone forever. My friends love me and are amazing, but my soul mate is dead and I don't know if I can take it. It would be so easy to shut down. It would ease my pain. But it would end my chance to have anything, to create anything with Husband. And I want that so badly. Because I know that mostly he is the person I thought he was. But I don't know how to reconcile what I know now with who I thought I knew. I just wish there was a way to get myself out of this - like a big hand that could come down and pluck me out of the middle of this completely fucked up thing that is my life now. Reality is completely undefined for me right now. If it weren't for my son I'm sure I'd just let myself go crazy. It would feel so much better. God I'm so lonely. And I'm so confused. And so full of conflicting feelings and emotions. And I want so much to find love with Husband. To approach or surpass the illusion I was living before. God. wake me up - get me out of this.
I was already having a very difficult time, and this is hard to take on top of it all. How can I possibly compete with two women? I know it's not about that, but that's what's on my mind. How can sex with me ever equal sex with two women at once? When we were talking last night (another hard night) and I said that I was realizing that monogamy meant to me that he had decided I was enough, and that he'd chosen me and decided to give up all those other possiblities. He said that was true, he had chosen me. He had had all those things that I was thinking about - prostitutes with beautiful bodies that I have never and will never look like - and that he had chosen me, that nothing was better than me.
Of course the point to me is that I chose him in 1988 when I told him I loved him (this was a very big deal to both of us at the time) and then again in 1997 when I married him. And I thought he'd done the same. I didn't think that he'd be continuing to test drive other models, and so this doesn't really give me any consolation.
I'm having an existential crisis. I don't know who he is, what my life really is, if I can trust myself to know if I know him (after 19 years I thought I did, but I looked into his eyes for the last 5-plus years and didn't have any idea what was going on so how will I ever know if I know him?) I feel like the man I knew has died suddenly. And now I'm alone in the world. And I didn't get to say goodbye to him. And I wish I could have one last conversation with him -to talk to someone I trust at that level just one more time. Someone who has, knowing me more intimately than anyone else, chosen me, and made me feel that I was enough. And who I knew like I know myself. And now he's dead. He's gone forever and I'll never get to talk to him again. This hurts. I wish I could get rid of this pain. I just wish I could stop it for a while. I've been trying scotch, but I have a son, and can't be that self-indulgent. But sometimes I just can't take it - sometimes I need a respite. So many people have it so much worse than I do. I feel pathetic in many ways. But I have no other context aside from my own. I want so much to be Zen about all this. To not be attached. To seek the lessons here, not resist, to have compassion. But this hurts so fucking much, and I feel like all I can do is have this pain or ignore this pain. Those are the two states I find myself in right now. There are many moments when this still feels like a dream, like I"m really going to wake up and it's going to be over or never have happened. Oh god...I don't know how I can stand this much longer. But the only cure for this...the only hope is time. But I can't stand this pain for so long. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. The one person I want to talk to is gone forever. My friends love me and are amazing, but my soul mate is dead and I don't know if I can take it. It would be so easy to shut down. It would ease my pain. But it would end my chance to have anything, to create anything with Husband. And I want that so badly. Because I know that mostly he is the person I thought he was. But I don't know how to reconcile what I know now with who I thought I knew. I just wish there was a way to get myself out of this - like a big hand that could come down and pluck me out of the middle of this completely fucked up thing that is my life now. Reality is completely undefined for me right now. If it weren't for my son I'm sure I'd just let myself go crazy. It would feel so much better. God I'm so lonely. And I'm so confused. And so full of conflicting feelings and emotions. And I want so much to find love with Husband. To approach or surpass the illusion I was living before. God. wake me up - get me out of this.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Triggered
Went to see a play with Husband tonight, and there were so many things that seemed to trigger me tonight.
Compared to women I will never look like or feel like. And not women from 19 years ago, but women from 2 months ago. How could he not have noticed the difference between my body and the bodies of all those expensive prostitutes that he'd had sex with week before or the day before?
He was the one I was supposed to be good enough for. The one he picked and said, for you, because of my love for you, because of who you are to me, I give up all those other possibilities. But he didn't.
Compared to women I will never look like or feel like. And not women from 19 years ago, but women from 2 months ago. How could he not have noticed the difference between my body and the bodies of all those expensive prostitutes that he'd had sex with week before or the day before?
He was the one I was supposed to be good enough for. The one he picked and said, for you, because of my love for you, because of who you are to me, I give up all those other possibilities. But he didn't.
Friday, July 20, 2007
Just can't get my head around it
Today has been a good day. I've been able to focus at work, Husband and I had a nice morning together and have talked on the phone and by email several times today. We decided to go to Hawaii to celebrate our 10th anniversary and take our honeymoon, and he booked our trip today (Maui, resort, convertible, surfing lesson, sunset sail - it sounds absolutely wonderful!)
I haven't felt that sharp, distracting sadness that I've been prone to over the past few days. But I still just can't seem to wrap my head around what's happened in our relationship. It seems like it must not be true that since we've been married, Husband has had 25-30 sex partners and countless blow jobs and hand jobs from other women, and has lied to me for most of our marriage about this activity as it has increased in frequency over the years. Not just not mentioned it, but actively lied about where he was going, what he was doing, and about what he was doing with all that money, and then looking into my eyes and saying over and over again that he'd never do that when I asked him. It is surreal to say the least. I feel like it's something I've heard about someone else. When it comes down to it, it's not all the sex partners, although that hurts because there was a special intimacy that I wanted all for myself with my husband. But it's really the fact that we'd agreed that monogamy was important to both of us, and that he'd expressed his distain for affairs and people who had them over the years. Come to find out, fucking prostitutes was outside the realm of activity that fell into the "affairs" category. Who knew? Anyway...thank god for Saturday: Therapy Day.
I'm going to bring up the feeling I have that what he's done is worse than anything I've done so we can talk about it in a safe place and I can get over that and move forward without that tiny seed of resentment. I want to get all the tiny seeds out so that I'm back to the feeling I had before. Love free of resentment...that empowers us BOTH this time.
I haven't felt that sharp, distracting sadness that I've been prone to over the past few days. But I still just can't seem to wrap my head around what's happened in our relationship. It seems like it must not be true that since we've been married, Husband has had 25-30 sex partners and countless blow jobs and hand jobs from other women, and has lied to me for most of our marriage about this activity as it has increased in frequency over the years. Not just not mentioned it, but actively lied about where he was going, what he was doing, and about what he was doing with all that money, and then looking into my eyes and saying over and over again that he'd never do that when I asked him. It is surreal to say the least. I feel like it's something I've heard about someone else. When it comes down to it, it's not all the sex partners, although that hurts because there was a special intimacy that I wanted all for myself with my husband. But it's really the fact that we'd agreed that monogamy was important to both of us, and that he'd expressed his distain for affairs and people who had them over the years. Come to find out, fucking prostitutes was outside the realm of activity that fell into the "affairs" category. Who knew? Anyway...thank god for Saturday: Therapy Day.
I'm going to bring up the feeling I have that what he's done is worse than anything I've done so we can talk about it in a safe place and I can get over that and move forward without that tiny seed of resentment. I want to get all the tiny seeds out so that I'm back to the feeling I had before. Love free of resentment...that empowers us BOTH this time.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Mixed feelings
Part of me feels so spiritual/optimistic about this sometimes.
I wrote to Husband earlier today, "I just want to tell you how much I love you and how excited I am about what the future holds for us. I know things will get easier with time as we build trust with each other. And I know that the deeper level of communication and listening will lead to a more satisfying, fulfilling relationship for both of us that can truly be a powerful, profound source. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to share life with you."
He wrote back with his love, and with a plan:
________________________________________________
I’ve been having a fantasy about working the tools and incorporating meditation, exercise, reading and writing into a morning spiritual/physical ritual. It looks something like this:
10 minutes of reading
20 pushups
20 situps
20 minutes of Meditation
20 pushups
20 situps
20 minutes of journaling.
About an hour total. I could do this from 5:30 to 6:30 (most) every morning. I could do it in our room or down in the living room. We could do it together if you wanted to (!!!!)
Structural:
I have, until this moment, imagined this in the Living Room in front of the fire place. No matter what we do I would like to paint the fireplace. I have been thinking about painting the fireplace together as a family in a mixture of colors as a Buddhist/Self Expression project that symbolizes our new commitment as a family to each other and to healing. Sort of a creative/healing/spiritual fire. The wooden Buddha or bigger one could go on the floor where the fire would be. Zafu mats and mediation pillows would go in front of that during mediation. I LOVE the idea of two nice chairs facing the fireplace and the rest of the room as a (neat) music making space.
I could create an iTunes Playlist that includes 10 minutes of silence for reading followed by Zen gongs (bells) followed by 5 minutes of silence or perhaps a workout song for pushups and situps followed by Zen Gongs and 20 minutes of silence for Meditation. Then music for workout and then timed silence for journaling. We could put this on your iPod for the iHome or in the living room.
Also we have some great Zen Centers nearby that I would like to start frequenting. I would be VERY happy if you would be interested in exploring that with me.
__________________________________
I love this plan. And I'm so happy that he is a commited to healing and building as I want to be.
But sometimes I still just feel sad. Pangs of fear and wondering. Little pains in the heart. It's been less than 2 months, so I guess it's all part of the process. I'm just going to go where my feelings take me for now, while trying to keep things in the realm of processing and moving through rather than dwelling. I wonder what life will be in a month, a year, 5 years. Just like always...there's no way to know. But I can be commited to the future that I want in each moment. And it's so good to know that Husband wants to be commited to that future, too.
I wrote to Husband earlier today, "I just want to tell you how much I love you and how excited I am about what the future holds for us. I know things will get easier with time as we build trust with each other. And I know that the deeper level of communication and listening will lead to a more satisfying, fulfilling relationship for both of us that can truly be a powerful, profound source. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to share life with you."
He wrote back with his love, and with a plan:
________________________________________________
I’ve been having a fantasy about working the tools and incorporating meditation, exercise, reading and writing into a morning spiritual/physical ritual. It looks something like this:
10 minutes of reading
20 pushups
20 situps
20 minutes of Meditation
20 pushups
20 situps
20 minutes of journaling.
About an hour total. I could do this from 5:30 to 6:30 (most) every morning. I could do it in our room or down in the living room. We could do it together if you wanted to (!!!!)
Structural:
I have, until this moment, imagined this in the Living Room in front of the fire place. No matter what we do I would like to paint the fireplace. I have been thinking about painting the fireplace together as a family in a mixture of colors as a Buddhist/Self Expression project that symbolizes our new commitment as a family to each other and to healing. Sort of a creative/healing/spiritual fire. The wooden Buddha or bigger one could go on the floor where the fire would be. Zafu mats and mediation pillows would go in front of that during mediation. I LOVE the idea of two nice chairs facing the fireplace and the rest of the room as a (neat) music making space.
I could create an iTunes Playlist that includes 10 minutes of silence for reading followed by Zen gongs (bells) followed by 5 minutes of silence or perhaps a workout song for pushups and situps followed by Zen Gongs and 20 minutes of silence for Meditation. Then music for workout and then timed silence for journaling. We could put this on your iPod for the iHome or in the living room.
Also we have some great Zen Centers nearby that I would like to start frequenting. I would be VERY happy if you would be interested in exploring that with me.
__________________________________
I love this plan. And I'm so happy that he is a commited to healing and building as I want to be.
But sometimes I still just feel sad. Pangs of fear and wondering. Little pains in the heart. It's been less than 2 months, so I guess it's all part of the process. I'm just going to go where my feelings take me for now, while trying to keep things in the realm of processing and moving through rather than dwelling. I wonder what life will be in a month, a year, 5 years. Just like always...there's no way to know. But I can be commited to the future that I want in each moment. And it's so good to know that Husband wants to be commited to that future, too.
throw one's own body into the 100,000 universes
While having a good cry on the treadmill last night, I read some of Shynryu Suzuki's lectures from Not Always So: Practicing the True Spirit of Zen. One lecture talked about a man who had finally reached the top of a 100-foot pole, but who would not attain enlightment unless he jumped off. It went on to talk about how silly it is to think that you could jump off from there, because everything is what it is, and everything is always changing, and that to reach "the top" of something is no different than any other place, except that it's a different place. I think my relationship was like that 100 foot pole for me. I felt I'd reached the top. Even with the ups and downs resulting from the day to day challenges and upsets with each other(and I thought we had relatively few of those, and those we had felt small and easily resolved - except for the issues of Husband's self-expression and my not doing what I said I was going to do (and his not doing what he said he was going to do for that matter) -it was perfect for me. But in reality, everything is constantly changing, each moment is new. So the place I find myself at now, while it feels so very different, isn't inferior to the top of the pole. It's just a different place with different lessons and different experiences to be had. That feels true, and so rational. But there is still pain. Still attachment to what I wish were true. Attachment to being special. Attachment to unbreached trust. Attachment to that which I feel I can never get back. At the same time I know that attachment is the cause of my suffering. But I don't know how to love intensely and not be attached. To me, that sounds like loving and not being hurt, but how can you love deeply and intensely without being vulnerable enough to be hurt?
Anyway, this different perspective has eased some of the pain I was feeling yesterday. Talked with Husband about my feeling that what he has done to me is far worse than what I did to him. I have a need to know that he understands the depth of the pain I feel, the loss, the shift in the entire context in which I lived my life. I didn't mean to get into that discussion outside of therapy, but it came up because I was asking him if he'd thought very much about what I must be feeling knowing that he'd touched and caressed and kissed so many other women, and looked into their eyes and thought how beautiful they were. I was trying to get a sense of whether or not he understands my day to day experience right now. He tried to explain that, while he has no idea how he feels (although he seems to feel that he wouldn't be as wounded as I if our positions were reversed) he knows he's hurt me deeply and that it will take time, maybe a lot of time, before I can trust him again.
I also have a need to hear everything he's been angry with me for so that I can really hear it, and he can really know that he's been heard, and I can really know I've been forgiven. He's kept so much from me and held so much resentment that I don't think I can believe I've been forgiven unless we acknowledge together the pain we've caused each other. But he doesn't want to talk about his feelings from the past right now, because he thinks the context is so poor due to what he did. He thinks I need to heal some first before we can be at a place where I can truly hear him. And he thinks that what I'll hear is much less significant that I fear it will be. I hope that's the case.
I've had so very few regrets in my life: Missing my friend's wedding is one of the only things I can think of. But now I add to that list the years of taking Husband for granted such that he felt deeply hurt, unheard and unimportant to me. The years of not showing him how happy I was in our relationship, but instead being distracted by work and other things that made me dissatisfied with my life. I wish he could have had the 19 years that I had of feeling so safe and "gotten" and free and empowered in the presence of my love. That's what I got from him. But this is my second chance. How wonderful that I have that. And how wonderful that he can have a second chance, too. This is a gift we can give each other to make our relationship stronger. Breathe...
Breathe...
Anyway, this different perspective has eased some of the pain I was feeling yesterday. Talked with Husband about my feeling that what he has done to me is far worse than what I did to him. I have a need to know that he understands the depth of the pain I feel, the loss, the shift in the entire context in which I lived my life. I didn't mean to get into that discussion outside of therapy, but it came up because I was asking him if he'd thought very much about what I must be feeling knowing that he'd touched and caressed and kissed so many other women, and looked into their eyes and thought how beautiful they were. I was trying to get a sense of whether or not he understands my day to day experience right now. He tried to explain that, while he has no idea how he feels (although he seems to feel that he wouldn't be as wounded as I if our positions were reversed) he knows he's hurt me deeply and that it will take time, maybe a lot of time, before I can trust him again.
I also have a need to hear everything he's been angry with me for so that I can really hear it, and he can really know that he's been heard, and I can really know I've been forgiven. He's kept so much from me and held so much resentment that I don't think I can believe I've been forgiven unless we acknowledge together the pain we've caused each other. But he doesn't want to talk about his feelings from the past right now, because he thinks the context is so poor due to what he did. He thinks I need to heal some first before we can be at a place where I can truly hear him. And he thinks that what I'll hear is much less significant that I fear it will be. I hope that's the case.
I've had so very few regrets in my life: Missing my friend's wedding is one of the only things I can think of. But now I add to that list the years of taking Husband for granted such that he felt deeply hurt, unheard and unimportant to me. The years of not showing him how happy I was in our relationship, but instead being distracted by work and other things that made me dissatisfied with my life. I wish he could have had the 19 years that I had of feeling so safe and "gotten" and free and empowered in the presence of my love. That's what I got from him. But this is my second chance. How wonderful that I have that. And how wonderful that he can have a second chance, too. This is a gift we can give each other to make our relationship stronger. Breathe...
Breathe...
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