The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Friday, August 10, 2007

More anxiety and invasive thoughts

I started feeling that jittery anxiety again a little last night and more this morning. I think the source of it is that I can't stop thinking about Husband touching other women when he touches me.

I'm thinner now and I wonder if he likes the way I feel now better because it's closer to the way a perfect figures feels. There are some ways he touches me that make me think about how he must have touched those prostitutes.

And I wonder what it was like the first few times touching another woman's body. Was it exciting to be discovering someone new after all these years? Was it exhilirating and thrilling to run his hands over those women, exploring their unfamiliar smoothness, softness, taughtness? I wish I could get this out of my head, but it just shows up.

Maybe I'm anxious because disclosure is tomorrow.

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