Better after therapy

Yesterday in our extra couples therapy session we talked about something that had been in the back of my mind. The person who has betrayed me is the person who has been there the whole time. The person I thought I was in a relationship was never there as I thought he was. I was having a relationship with this person, but I just didn't know certain things about him, for example that he was capable of betraying me in this way. I didn't know how much pain he carried around, how adversely he'd been affected by his childhood (he's always said he wasn't affected by his parents' divorce,) and how hard he found it to express himself. But this person, who seems so strange and scary now, is the person who treated me so lovingly and kindly, who was an amazing partner in raising our son for the last 5 1/2 years, who rubbed my feet, who brought me flowers, cast me in all his plays, encouraged me to live a life I love. In other words, the man I thought I was with and the man I'm with now are not two different people; rather I'm getting to know more about the man I married, and he's actually more vulnerable and authentic with me now that I see his darkness as well as his magnificence.

That doesn't excuse ANYTHING, and I still need to continue to establish BOUNDARIES, but it begins to help me reconcile my shattered reality. It gives some comfort.

So, aside from the white-noise level of general pain and anxiety I always feel now (invasive thoughts still invade regularly) today is better than the past few days.

More therapy on Saturday, and then a week off while we head to the east cost for a week to visit his family. It may be a difficult visit for him. My job will be to listen and bring love, but not fix or solve or suggest. I will practice listening so that he is heard.