The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Disclosure went ok

I finished my letter at 5am yesterday morning. Husband had been ready since Tuesday after some final conversations with our therapist.

Following instructions, we arrived in separate cars and had plans for childcare so we could have time alone, either together or individually, after the session.

Husband was in the waiting room when I arrived right at 11am. We sat down with our therapist and she explained briefly that Husband would read and then I would read. I was able to stop and ask questions throughout if I wanted, although she said she might ask me to hold off on questions that might just result in uneraseable memories for me that would serve little purpose.

I was a little suprised at the thick sheaf of papers Husband held, wondering if I was going to get a lot more than I was expecting. I braced myself and he started reading his timeline of significant events and sexual secrets, beginning somewhere around the time his parents divorced when he was 8.

I've heard that you always find out something new, and I did. Not very much, but significant to me. Fortunately, given what I already knew, it was not overwhelming. It turns out that Husband had been seeking lap dances to orgasm at strip clubs since before we were married. It was infrequent, but still, it was jolting and disappointing to realize that sexual fidelity had never, ever been present in my marriage.

The second new piece of information I received was that Husband began getting hand jobs and blow jobs when I was pregnant with our son, and not after he was born. In fact, the incident where he invited the two women over to our apartment happend when I was pregnant. That too, was disappointing, as common as it is. Apparently the stress of pregnancy and birth is a common trigger for sexual infidelity with men.

Men are the weakers sex, no doubt about it. It makes me angry to think about the stress I was going through over the past years. Why was his reaction to go out and fuck a bunch of other women? I dealt with it and tried to be positive. Sure I was grumpy and pissed off and distracted and unhappy sometimes, but I didn't lie and throw away trust and a relationship that had been growing for almost 20 years. I need to bring this to therapy.

After he was done, I felt pretty contained. Then I read my letter. Eight pages. Husband wept throughout, as I talked about what I'd lost, my own failings in our relationship,our wedding vows, my sadness, the sudden and gripping anxiety that overwhelms me at times when I think about what he's done, my loss of self confidence, and the ways in which I and our relationship have been forever changed. At the end, he said he felt deep anguish because he really got for the first time how pervasive the impact of his lies and infidelity are in my life.

We usually go to lunch after therapy, but Husband needed time alone. I went grocery shopping.

1 comment:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

As painful as it was to find that my husband was never faithful to me (He was recovering from crabs, unknown to me of course, very first time we ever made love. I thought he had been without a girlfriend/ abstinent for some time.) it was also comforting to see that this problem existed way before I came into his life.