Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Struggling today
I keep getting waves of sadness about the number of other people Husband has been intimate with. Intercourse with at least 25 prostitutes and lap dances, blow jobs and hand jobs with countless others. I feel like the intimate relationship between us has been so violated by these acts. Although I realize there are many sex addicts whose activites dwarf those of my husband, I'm finding it very hard to fit all of this into my understanding of my life.
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I imagine the waves of sadness feel a tsunami hitting you. I told my therapist today that my father was a sex addict (as well as an alcoholic) - so many affairs while married to my mom for 25 years - non-stop, craziness. Very sad, really, and she stayed with him until he finally left her and she had a nervous breakdown from it. Therapist said that ALMOST always, in the case of alcoholism/sexual addiction, there was probably some sexual abuse. Once I started thinking about it, it wouldn't surprise me considering how messed up my paternal grandmother was. Thankfully, it NEVER happened to me by my father or my husband by his father, so we were feeling very grateful today for that! A not so minor thing, I think!
Wow! That is so sad that she stayed with him until he destroyed her. I am so sorry.
In light of the subject of good women staying with men like this and ending up hurting themselves, I am really wondering how you and others reading this may feel about checking on whether husband is being truthful now. I've had therapists recommend private detectives and/or tracking devices so that the betrayed spouse can protect herself/himself and find out if there really is any honest change. Some protection for the betrayed spouse.
Hmmm...in theory I guess a PI sounds like a good idea, but how much would that cost? I can't think of a better way to check on them though.
I read something interesting on the website that you mentioned earlier, that some people have actually asked for (and received) a post-nuptial contract, stating that if the marriage ends due to infidelity, the betrayed spouse gets the house, all equity, etc. for the sake of the kids. I thought that was very smart, but apparently not all states honor the contract unfortunately.
Step 1 of the 12 Steps of S-Anon: We admitted we were powerless over sexaholism - that our lives had become unmanageable.
"We are concerned with two principles in Step One: that we cannot control the sexaholic or his or her sexual behavior, and that because of our attempts to do so our lives have become unmanageable." - From the book S-Anon Twelve Steps, Copyright S-Anon Family Groups, Inc., 2000.
So what does that mean in relation to this? We should not find out if we are being lied to?
For myself, and only for myself not as advice for anyone else because this is such a personal choice, I see it as a choice between a life of rebuilding trust based on a connection (and lots of therapy) with Husband, or a life of checking in place of trust (which for me would prolong anxiety and make me a little crazy - or a lot crazy or somewhere in between.) It also feels to me (again, this is only my opinion and for someone else it might feel different) that it would be kind of like developing a secret life of my own, and secrets are what got us into this mess in the first place.
What I'm trying to take from the first step is that he will do what he will do, and no amount of checking (PIs, bank statements, phone records, etc) will protect me if he really wants to deceive me. What I've decided to do is work on creating a relationship in which lies are as intolerable to him as they are to me. It will take the support of therapists and ongoing participation in twelve step programs for both of us, but I think it will bring me more peace than the path of checking.
We have an old friend who is a PI, and I got back in touch with him about a month ago anticipating that I might need to call on him to check up on Husband. And I can't say that I'll never do any checking. But I'm hoping I can resist because I think, for me, it will be a healthier path. I'll keep you posted on how this is working out.
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