Went to see my therapist today. I've been feeling better, not so heavy and sad, but I know I still have work to do on my self esteem issues so I was looking forward to getting back to it.
We talked about my anxiety over the prospect of Husband's success, and my fear that he'll get all caught up in his success and meanwhile I'll disappear. And that when he has success, that will make him attractive to hot young women who will look at him adoringly and giggle and make him feel smart and cool and sexy. My crazy head says to me, "If someone can have something better, then why wouldn't they want that? And what do I have to offer that would trump a hot young body, a gorgeous face and pie-eyed admiration? Isn't that much more attractive to a man than a 46 year old, nice looking but chunky woman who is sometimes distant, sometimes sad, and highly suspicious of you?"
One of my close girlfriends who knows what has happened between Husband and me told me that her therapist suggested doing "esteemable acts" as a way to build self esteem. I've been putting off thinking about what these could be for me because I've been so busy with work. (I also put of going to the doctor because of work earlier this year and ended up in the hospital with dangerously low hemoglobin levels because I was slowly bleeding to death, so I guess I don't learn, do I? I'm fully recovered now, and none the wiser apparently.) But I don't want to go along in this same self-esteemless rut and wake up in 5 years to see I've made no progress.
I also talked with my therapist about my sadness over losing the relationship I thought I had with Husband. I don't have any big accomplishments in life. I haven't climbed the Seven Sisters, or become a successful artist, or written a book, or traveled the world, or discovered anything, or cured anything, or become an expert in my field. Nor do I have the material trappings of success: no VP title, no big salary, no fancy car or house, no fantastic wardrobe. Before these things didn't bother me, because I always came back to my relationship. That was what I had. That was what was really important in life, and there I was successful. All that other stuff was icing on the cake - great if it came along, fine if it didn't. I had a loving partnership that was solid and true.
And then I didn't. Instead I had a husband who'd had sex with dozens of other women while we were married, spent tens of thousands of dollars on those prostitutes, and lied to me about all of it, even making me feel wrong and bitchy and crazy when I ever asked about things that I thought were questionable - odd charges on the credit card, for example (which I later realized were for subscriptions to prostitute review and reservation sites.) And I had the pain of feeling like I'd become forgettable to the person I thought loved me most in the world.
So now sometimes I feel I don't have anything. Not the material spoils, not the outward gains, and most important, not the trusted partnership that I valued above all else. I do have my amazing son, but I have to be careful to remember that relationship is ultimately about letting go. He's not my life partner. If he's healthy and if we have a healthy relationship, he'll be separating, not hanging around as I get to be a little old lady the way I envisioned Husband would.
Thinking about it, I realized I ended up in this position because I think that for me, being loved was enough. As long as I knew I was loved, other personal goals and desires became secondary. What could be more important that spending time with the person you love most in the world? Not that I gave up my dreams and interests. I just didn't pursue success or any particular accomplishment, didn't try to climb ladders and get ahead. I had my own life that was busy and full and didn't revolve around Husband. But I didn't have a strong agenda for myself. I didn't need one. I felt deeply loved, and that was enough. I didn't long for anything else.
But now I see that I stopped building my own identity out in the world. I wasn't an appendage to husband at all. But I stopped growing and shaping myself outside of my happy little world of family and close friends.
The best metaphor I can think of is boats. We weren't two boats anchored side by side. We were two boats, but he was the one with the anchor (at least that's how it felt) and I was tied to him with no anchor of my own.
So it's time to begin with esteemable acts, so that I don't disappear from the world if Husband forgets about me. (Not that I really think he will anymore, but the fear of that is hard to get past.) Time to define who I want to be in the world, what I want to do, and take action on those things. That doesn't have to take anything away from my relationship with Husband. And it will help me develop a relationship to myself. I will create my own anchor.
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Seeping and shedding
After having so much peace and resolution about Husband's lies and infidelity, and a lot of growth and learning under my belt, I'm always surprised when I backslide. Grief still seeps in some days, even though there's no logical reason for that to happen.
I think despite progress I still grieve the loss of what I thought I had, the life I thought I was leading, the man I thought I married. And that feels like a deep thing, a heart thing. So I guess not something that my mind can resolve for me. Maybe it's just like grieving a death. Over time you come to terms with it, but there is still a loss that may always be felt as a loss.
And I still have days when I wonder if I love my husband - the new man I'm with now that the truth is out in the open. I think he's definitely a better partner than he was before, but he's still different from the man I thought he was. He's done things to me the man I though he was never would have done. He's stronger in ways, but he's weaker in other ways. I guess he's just human, and before in my mind his honesty and integrity were infallible, and his belief in himself consistently strong. Those qualities felt real to me and I miss them a lot.
I wish I could snap my fingers and give myself 20 years with this new man so I would know if the distance I'm sometimes aware of is just a defensive layer that will wear away with time and the continued growth of trust; or if it really is that I don't love this new person as much as I loved the man I though he was.
The truth of it is that I'd stay either way because of my son. I'm not unhappy - not unhappy at all. (If I were I wouldn't stay because I don't think that would benefit anybody.) I'm just missing that deep, passionate level of intimacy and connectedness that I used to feel. And sometimes I get sad about it. But as I write this, I realize that Husband is one of my very best friends and that intimacy and connectedness have a very strong chance of deepening over time.
Sex is an issue. Right now I don't feel sexually attracted to Husband the way I was before and sometimes I think about how my 40s are probably my last chance for another hot, sexy romance. If I don't do it now, I'll never have the chance. But since I'm staying in my marriage for now and I don't really want to have an affair if I think about it for any length of time, I suppose a fantastic sex life not in the cards. At least for now.
So I will focus on creating a deep, connected, loving partnership with this new man, my great friend with whom I share so much history. Maybe I leave behind the simple, passionate, unfettered kind of love I felt in my 20s and 30s for something more complicated in this part of my life. And maybe it will turn out to be even more satisfying. I have yet to see.
I think despite progress I still grieve the loss of what I thought I had, the life I thought I was leading, the man I thought I married. And that feels like a deep thing, a heart thing. So I guess not something that my mind can resolve for me. Maybe it's just like grieving a death. Over time you come to terms with it, but there is still a loss that may always be felt as a loss.
And I still have days when I wonder if I love my husband - the new man I'm with now that the truth is out in the open. I think he's definitely a better partner than he was before, but he's still different from the man I thought he was. He's done things to me the man I though he was never would have done. He's stronger in ways, but he's weaker in other ways. I guess he's just human, and before in my mind his honesty and integrity were infallible, and his belief in himself consistently strong. Those qualities felt real to me and I miss them a lot.
I wish I could snap my fingers and give myself 20 years with this new man so I would know if the distance I'm sometimes aware of is just a defensive layer that will wear away with time and the continued growth of trust; or if it really is that I don't love this new person as much as I loved the man I though he was.
The truth of it is that I'd stay either way because of my son. I'm not unhappy - not unhappy at all. (If I were I wouldn't stay because I don't think that would benefit anybody.) I'm just missing that deep, passionate level of intimacy and connectedness that I used to feel. And sometimes I get sad about it. But as I write this, I realize that Husband is one of my very best friends and that intimacy and connectedness have a very strong chance of deepening over time.
Sex is an issue. Right now I don't feel sexually attracted to Husband the way I was before and sometimes I think about how my 40s are probably my last chance for another hot, sexy romance. If I don't do it now, I'll never have the chance. But since I'm staying in my marriage for now and I don't really want to have an affair if I think about it for any length of time, I suppose a fantastic sex life not in the cards. At least for now.
So I will focus on creating a deep, connected, loving partnership with this new man, my great friend with whom I share so much history. Maybe I leave behind the simple, passionate, unfettered kind of love I felt in my 20s and 30s for something more complicated in this part of my life. And maybe it will turn out to be even more satisfying. I have yet to see.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Finding love in loss
The Buddhist Reviews Tricycle Magazine publishes a "Daily Dharma" email that excerpts writings on Buddhism.
Today's edition about finding love in loss, from Lorne Ladner's book The Lost Art of Compassion, so aptly described what this journey has been for me:
"To live a meaningful life, each of us must step outside the familiar, confining walls of ego defenses and enter our own wilderness, our own charnel ground, to face honestly the truth of impermanence and loss. In the strange cemetery of imagination, mourning ourselves, we suddenly stumble upon what’s most essential. Facing loss, we find love."
Over the past 2 years I've found greater love and compassion for myself and others, beyond what I knew to be possible.
I still get scared, pissed off, resentful, etc. There's no doubt that I'll always be human, and that the logical effect of impermanence is that "good" is as temporary as "bad."
But in order to survive the loss of the life I thought I was living, I've been pushed into new territory and tasted the sweetness of a deeper love than I've ever known before, which has made possible a deeper and more profound peace.
Today's edition about finding love in loss, from Lorne Ladner's book The Lost Art of Compassion, so aptly described what this journey has been for me:
"To live a meaningful life, each of us must step outside the familiar, confining walls of ego defenses and enter our own wilderness, our own charnel ground, to face honestly the truth of impermanence and loss. In the strange cemetery of imagination, mourning ourselves, we suddenly stumble upon what’s most essential. Facing loss, we find love."
Over the past 2 years I've found greater love and compassion for myself and others, beyond what I knew to be possible.
I still get scared, pissed off, resentful, etc. There's no doubt that I'll always be human, and that the logical effect of impermanence is that "good" is as temporary as "bad."
But in order to survive the loss of the life I thought I was living, I've been pushed into new territory and tasted the sweetness of a deeper love than I've ever known before, which has made possible a deeper and more profound peace.
Monday, September 24, 2007
Assignment from my therapist today
I talked with my therapist about some of the stuff I discovered in couples therapy. She gave me two assignments:
1. Write about the feeling I have that my mother sacrificed a lot to be a parent to me and I can never make it up to her
2. Express my anger through writing and sharing with trusted friends and my S-Anon group
I've been feeling angry at Husband for breaking me. I feel irreparably broken. I used to believe that you could count on people. Not everybody, but certainly a few carefully selected, trusted people in your life.
But my experience has taught me that no matter how well I think I've chosen, no matter how much evidence I have that someone is trustworthy, the fact is I can never count on anybody 100% of the time. In that regard, I am alone. I have only myself to count on. (And maybe there are those who feel they can't even count on themselves. That would be really scary - to have absolutely nobody at all.)
The reason I can't count on anyone 100% of the time is because I cannot control what someone else will do, how they will think, feel and respond, 100% of the time. If I could control everything 100% of the time, I could predict with certainty. Any less control than that introduces some amount of uncertainty. I can never know. I can eventually trust, believe, think, hope, have faith. But I can never, ever know. So how do you live with a know liar in a context of never knowing? Don't know yet. One day at a time I guess.
I used to believe that I could know. That time, love, shared experiences and personal integrity could forge an unbreakable bond of trust. While I see now that was a form of naivete, it felt good to believe that it was possible. Now I feel sad and wary, and while the fact that it's not possible to count on others has nothing to do with Husband, I'm now intensely present to this fact because of his betrayal and I'm angry at him for that.
What goes through my head: Why did he have to do that? I didn't do that! When I had problems I talked about it. When I didn't feel heard, I did something about it. What is wrong with him? (I could go on.)
Intellectually, I know the answers or at least the explanations, so in an instant I invalidate this anger because it feels irrational.
But it's there. And I want it out now, so I don't carry it around for years, so it doesn't come out when I least expect it, so it doesn't rot me from the inside all the way out to my happy, sweet, she's-so-nice veneer.
1. Write about the feeling I have that my mother sacrificed a lot to be a parent to me and I can never make it up to her
2. Express my anger through writing and sharing with trusted friends and my S-Anon group
I've been feeling angry at Husband for breaking me. I feel irreparably broken. I used to believe that you could count on people. Not everybody, but certainly a few carefully selected, trusted people in your life.
But my experience has taught me that no matter how well I think I've chosen, no matter how much evidence I have that someone is trustworthy, the fact is I can never count on anybody 100% of the time. In that regard, I am alone. I have only myself to count on. (And maybe there are those who feel they can't even count on themselves. That would be really scary - to have absolutely nobody at all.)
The reason I can't count on anyone 100% of the time is because I cannot control what someone else will do, how they will think, feel and respond, 100% of the time. If I could control everything 100% of the time, I could predict with certainty. Any less control than that introduces some amount of uncertainty. I can never know. I can eventually trust, believe, think, hope, have faith. But I can never, ever know. So how do you live with a know liar in a context of never knowing? Don't know yet. One day at a time I guess.
I used to believe that I could know. That time, love, shared experiences and personal integrity could forge an unbreakable bond of trust. While I see now that was a form of naivete, it felt good to believe that it was possible. Now I feel sad and wary, and while the fact that it's not possible to count on others has nothing to do with Husband, I'm now intensely present to this fact because of his betrayal and I'm angry at him for that.
What goes through my head: Why did he have to do that? I didn't do that! When I had problems I talked about it. When I didn't feel heard, I did something about it. What is wrong with him? (I could go on.)
Intellectually, I know the answers or at least the explanations, so in an instant I invalidate this anger because it feels irrational.
But it's there. And I want it out now, so I don't carry it around for years, so it doesn't come out when I least expect it, so it doesn't rot me from the inside all the way out to my happy, sweet, she's-so-nice veneer.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
To Husband: Why I'm Down Today
Husband - From time to time I have an overwhelming feeling of "what's the point?"
I feel like we've been building our relationship for 20 years and what I have left now in the wake of June 1st is almost starting over relative to what I had before in terms of trust.
I have a man who loves me and is willing to build an extraordinary relationship and life with me, which is incredible. But it feels like a starting point, and after 20 years of building such profound deep trust and openness as I had with you before that's now mostly gone, it leaves me with that "what's the point" feeling. I feel a deep and profound emptiness today around that. I really want to shake this and not have this going on for Son's birthday. But I'm having trouble doing that today.
So that's where I was this morning when you asked me how I was doing. That's where I am now. If you have anything to offer in the way of love, comfort, thoughts, etc. I'd welcome them.
I feel like we've been building our relationship for 20 years and what I have left now in the wake of June 1st is almost starting over relative to what I had before in terms of trust.
I have a man who loves me and is willing to build an extraordinary relationship and life with me, which is incredible. But it feels like a starting point, and after 20 years of building such profound deep trust and openness as I had with you before that's now mostly gone, it leaves me with that "what's the point" feeling. I feel a deep and profound emptiness today around that. I really want to shake this and not have this going on for Son's birthday. But I'm having trouble doing that today.
So that's where I was this morning when you asked me how I was doing. That's where I am now. If you have anything to offer in the way of love, comfort, thoughts, etc. I'd welcome them.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Invasive thoughts persist
They are fewer, but 3 months after finding out about Husband's infidelity thoughts of him with other women still persist. We were making love this morning and for some reason I couldn't get out of my head thinking about him with two women, which he did several times. It's one of those things I can't compete with. I will always be only one person. Maybe sex with me will never be quite as thrilling.
Another invasive thought that came into my head today was thinking about his choice of blond women, and his fan "crush" on a particular young blond actress from a favorite TV show. The fantasy blond, blue eyed cheerleader type is something else I'll never be. And though I know it's irrational based on everything he and I have talked about, my mind wonders if he's tired of my "type" and secretly wishes for something different.
I believe that these thoughts are irrational, and the fears they represent mostly unsubstantiated, but there they are. It feels childish to the point of being embarrassing, but I feel compelled to document this. After 19 years together I still worry that somehow I'm not enough. His issues have ignited my issues, and my issues are demanding to be dealt with. I think these fears and insecurities may never go away, so my peace and happiness lies in how I respond to them. Therein lies my choice and my power.
Another invasive thought that came into my head today was thinking about his choice of blond women, and his fan "crush" on a particular young blond actress from a favorite TV show. The fantasy blond, blue eyed cheerleader type is something else I'll never be. And though I know it's irrational based on everything he and I have talked about, my mind wonders if he's tired of my "type" and secretly wishes for something different.
I believe that these thoughts are irrational, and the fears they represent mostly unsubstantiated, but there they are. It feels childish to the point of being embarrassing, but I feel compelled to document this. After 19 years together I still worry that somehow I'm not enough. His issues have ignited my issues, and my issues are demanding to be dealt with. I think these fears and insecurities may never go away, so my peace and happiness lies in how I respond to them. Therein lies my choice and my power.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Feeling deeply lonely
I'm feeling deeply lonely because I'm having all these feelings of pain and fear and anxiety, and the person with whom I had the deepest connection in my life is gone. I feel like he's suddenly dead. And in his place, in my bed, in my life is this other person who I'm not sure I know or can trust. He looks and seems like the man who was here before, but he has a whole different, scary aspect to him that the other man didn't. He's lied and hurt me and I don't know how to know he won't do it again. I don't know the person who did this to me, because the person I knew before would never have done that. And this person has brought me this whole unwelcome history that I now have to carry with me for the rest of my life. A history that makes me sick and nauseous every time I think of it. I'm angry because I don't know if I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship again. I'm afraid I'll never have deep trust or deep connection with another man, because if this relationship that seemed so true and so real and was built slowly over 2 decades has turned out this way, how can I ever hope to have anything good. I don't have another 20 years to fall in love and create a love and a life with someone else. But I don't understand how to expect or want anything else. Tonight I feel lonely and full of despair. It seems like my best chance at happiness is to learn to trust this man, because somewhere in there may really be the man I used to know. But I'm really afraid it may not be possible. I'm afraid there will always be something between us that prevents the deep connection I felt before. But, as I've said in earlier posts, perhaps all that was an illusion anyway, because I don't know if he felt that connected. Actually, I'm pretty sure he felt more connected to me than anyone else in his life. So he probably felt as connected to me as he possibly could given his conscious and unconscious beliefs about himself and the world.
I think I've been drinking too much. But sometimes it hurts so much I just want to stop the pain a bit. Today I had a couple shots of coffee flavored vodka and a glass of red wine. Last night, only a glass of wine. The night before about 3 shots of vodka. But the days before that probably not much, since we didn't have anything in the house. I've stopped buying scotch as that was definitely going too fast. The last thing I want to do to myself and my son is turn into an alcoholic.
Thank god we moved up couples therapy to tomorrow night. I'm freaking out a bit I think. Can't focus at work either, and the cracks are beginning to show there. I need some relief.
I think I've been drinking too much. But sometimes it hurts so much I just want to stop the pain a bit. Today I had a couple shots of coffee flavored vodka and a glass of red wine. Last night, only a glass of wine. The night before about 3 shots of vodka. But the days before that probably not much, since we didn't have anything in the house. I've stopped buying scotch as that was definitely going too fast. The last thing I want to do to myself and my son is turn into an alcoholic.
Thank god we moved up couples therapy to tomorrow night. I'm freaking out a bit I think. Can't focus at work either, and the cracks are beginning to show there. I need some relief.
Struggling today
I keep getting waves of sadness about the number of other people Husband has been intimate with. Intercourse with at least 25 prostitutes and lap dances, blow jobs and hand jobs with countless others. I feel like the intimate relationship between us has been so violated by these acts. Although I realize there are many sex addicts whose activites dwarf those of my husband, I'm finding it very hard to fit all of this into my understanding of my life.
Overwhelmed again by sadness
After my SAnon meeting last night I was feeling sad. Didn't know why. Went to see my friend Sophie as I often do on Tuesday nights. After I left I was overcome by sadness and that burning pain that feels like it's never going to go away when it settles in.
I still can't believe this is my life now. I thought I had this most beautiful, special, once-in-a-lifetime human connection with Husband, and now instead I have this painful history of Husband betraying my deepest trust by having secret sexual experiences with countless women, and I had nothing to do with creating this history but now it's mine forever and there's no way for me to get away from the pain it brings. I feel disconnected at a fundmental level from Husband, and I'm afriad that dispite everything we're both doing I'll never have such a deep connected feeling to him again, and that is a source of even deeper pain and grief.
I really felt as though I was getting past these moments of intense pain. I wonder how long these feelings will persist. I wish this was over, that we could go back in time and make it never happen so I could have the relationship I thought I had. I know that's fantasy, and doesn't address the pain and suffering Husband was going through while I was so blissful. But that's what my crazy mind wants.
I still can't believe this is my life now. I thought I had this most beautiful, special, once-in-a-lifetime human connection with Husband, and now instead I have this painful history of Husband betraying my deepest trust by having secret sexual experiences with countless women, and I had nothing to do with creating this history but now it's mine forever and there's no way for me to get away from the pain it brings. I feel disconnected at a fundmental level from Husband, and I'm afriad that dispite everything we're both doing I'll never have such a deep connected feeling to him again, and that is a source of even deeper pain and grief.
I really felt as though I was getting past these moments of intense pain. I wonder how long these feelings will persist. I wish this was over, that we could go back in time and make it never happen so I could have the relationship I thought I had. I know that's fantasy, and doesn't address the pain and suffering Husband was going through while I was so blissful. But that's what my crazy mind wants.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Delayed response to disclosure
Starting last night I began to feel more sadness and loss about what I found out in disclosure. I'd been holding on to the time in my marriage when I thought we had no secrets between us. Now that is gone.
I'd been holding on to that precious time when I was pregnant, and those 5 months we had afer Son was born as a time when we were so blissfully happy at the experience of having a child together, and I wasn't sharing my husband with other women. Now that's gone.
To know I've never had a marriage without lies. To know that my husband has been having sex with other women (even if it wasn't intercourse) since I was pregnant...just invalidates for me so much more of my experience of life. Or at least confuses it. What was real? What does anything mean? What was valid?
I don't know.
I took off my wedding ring today. I just don't know what it means anymore, and wearing it while that's so undefined in my head is painful. I want it to stand for something, and until I know it does I don't want to wear it. I don't want to devalue the meaning of that ring any more than it has been devalued already.
I'd been holding on to that precious time when I was pregnant, and those 5 months we had afer Son was born as a time when we were so blissfully happy at the experience of having a child together, and I wasn't sharing my husband with other women. Now that's gone.
To know I've never had a marriage without lies. To know that my husband has been having sex with other women (even if it wasn't intercourse) since I was pregnant...just invalidates for me so much more of my experience of life. Or at least confuses it. What was real? What does anything mean? What was valid?
I don't know.
I took off my wedding ring today. I just don't know what it means anymore, and wearing it while that's so undefined in my head is painful. I want it to stand for something, and until I know it does I don't want to wear it. I don't want to devalue the meaning of that ring any more than it has been devalued already.
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