The Addict is already dating

I'm a little gut-punched. I talked with the Addict on Monday evening about wanting to move forward with divorce. Today at 5:25pm a charge came into our joint account from the Addict's credit card for $81 at a hotel near the airport. I immediately forwarded the notification to him and asked, "Getting a room at the airport hotel?"

He texted back right away. "No.

"Paid for parking for a day."

"Sorry about that!"

Definitely felt like a lie to me. Then he texted, "Rented a car for a day."

He ended up calling me a few minutes later because he said he thought I might feel activated by the charge—which I did. I thought of all the times he secretly met with prostitutes at hotels while we were married—lying to me about where he was going and what he was doing. It's so painful when I am present to it. He was the person I trusted most in the world, the person I was most vulnerable with, the person who know me more deeply than anyone else and still loved me.

He explained over the phone.

"I had a date. She wanted me to pick her up and my car was full of dog hair, so I rented a car."

Five days after I told him I wanted a divorce, he's dating. (As it turns out, the date was yesterday, so it was only four days turnaround time.)

None of my business, and I'll be happy for him if he enjoys dating and finds someone else, but it's jarring as hell that it's so soon. I feel discarded. Like I was easy to move past. 

I know all of this is emotion and hurt and activation around thinking about everything that happened in the past. I feel so angry about what he's taken from me—the life I loved that I thought we had. The trust I had with him, like a bond I had with no one else. I feel trivialized and I feel like our 34 years together have been trivialized by his ability to just go out and date. 

He asked me about it on Monday, though. "Does this mean I can date? I don't think anything will happen, but I'll know that I don't have to stop it," or something like that. 

I don't blame him. It's been 16 months since he moved out. I've been lonely. I'm sure he's been lonely. And I know there's that part of him that feels entitled to sex. 

I feel angry that he's going to one day meet someone and treat her the way he should have treated me. I think that's it. I think that's what is taking my breath away right now.