Wounds reopened

Sitting with this, with the reality of how fast he's moving on, I've become present again to all that the Addict has taken from me: my partner, the love of my life, the past I thought I had, the future I thought I had, the financial security I spent so much time trying to create for us, family holidays, probably our family house. And I'm afraid to trust again. I'm feeling a lot of pain about things I felt I had moved through.

This is what I texted to him last night:

I just have to tell you that I am overwhelmingly present again to how much you have taken from me and how much you have destroyed in my life and how much pain you have caused me. I have lost so much that it has taken my lifetime to build. And I lost all of this not because of something I did, but  because of what you did.

And I just cannot understand why you did it

And I don’t think that you’re telling me the truth about today because it doesn’t make any sense what you said. That you paid $81 to park your car at the hotel and then rent a car to go on a date with somebody you just met on a dating app. because you have dog hair in your car. It does not make sense.

Why did you do this to us? Why did you kill us?

The only logical answer is that what we had was not good enough.

You wanted and felt entitled to more.

All of us, Son included, have to live with the consequences of what you did to our family, the choices you made so you could have orgasms.

He wrote back: 

You’re right 

I have come to have some insights into why I did what I did. Ultimately it was all extreme selfishness. There is no excuse.

And he sent the "proof" in the form of screenshots of his chats with his date and his Google map record.

And he said:

Did a very stupid thing in renting a car because I didn’t want to make a terrible impression with my car.

It was dishonest and I am going to tell Jill that I did that. 

I am probably not going to see again. We were not intimate.

He asked if I needed anything more, but I didn't respond until this morning. I asked for the receipts he had said he'd provide that he didn't provide. And I said this:

Also, please think about how you will explain to Son that you assume full responsibility for the destruction of our marriage which I tried for 15 years in good faith, based on promises you made to me and ongoing lies you told, to repair, despite all of the pain and anguish I experienced in 2007 and the subsequent years.  We will need to explain when we tell him we are moving forward with divorce.

Based on a comment that he made to me, I think he hold me responsible for the fact that we are separated.

I want him to know that it was not a failing on my part to try as hard as humanly possible, and to give as much as I could possibly give. It was a failure on your part, to be honest and to treat me with love and respect.

He doesn’t need to have details that he doesn’t ask for. And I don’t want to ruin your relationship with him at all. But I want him to be clear so that the quality of my relationship with him and his regard for me is not another loss I have to contend with.

He's read it, but no response so far.