The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, July 23, 2007

More information, very hard days

Found out tonight that Husband has had sex with two prostitutes at once, at least one time, probably pretty recently (prior to June 1 though.)

I was already having a very difficult time, and this is hard to take on top of it all. How can I possibly compete with two women? I know it's not about that, but that's what's on my mind. How can sex with me ever equal sex with two women at once? When we were talking last night (another hard night) and I said that I was realizing that monogamy meant to me that he had decided I was enough, and that he'd chosen me and decided to give up all those other possiblities. He said that was true, he had chosen me. He had had all those things that I was thinking about - prostitutes with beautiful bodies that I have never and will never look like - and that he had chosen me, that nothing was better than me.

Of course the point to me is that I chose him in 1988 when I told him I loved him (this was a very big deal to both of us at the time) and then again in 1997 when I married him. And I thought he'd done the same. I didn't think that he'd be continuing to test drive other models, and so this doesn't really give me any consolation.

I'm having an existential crisis. I don't know who he is, what my life really is, if I can trust myself to know if I know him (after 19 years I thought I did, but I looked into his eyes for the last 5-plus years and didn't have any idea what was going on so how will I ever know if I know him?) I feel like the man I knew has died suddenly. And now I'm alone in the world. And I didn't get to say goodbye to him. And I wish I could have one last conversation with him -to talk to someone I trust at that level just one more time. Someone who has, knowing me more intimately than anyone else, chosen me, and made me feel that I was enough. And who I knew like I know myself. And now he's dead. He's gone forever and I'll never get to talk to him again. This hurts. I wish I could get rid of this pain. I just wish I could stop it for a while. I've been trying scotch, but I have a son, and can't be that self-indulgent. But sometimes I just can't take it - sometimes I need a respite. So many people have it so much worse than I do. I feel pathetic in many ways. But I have no other context aside from my own. I want so much to be Zen about all this. To not be attached. To seek the lessons here, not resist, to have compassion. But this hurts so fucking much, and I feel like all I can do is have this pain or ignore this pain. Those are the two states I find myself in right now. There are many moments when this still feels like a dream, like I"m really going to wake up and it's going to be over or never have happened. Oh god...I don't know how I can stand this much longer. But the only cure for this...the only hope is time. But I can't stand this pain for so long. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go. The one person I want to talk to is gone forever. My friends love me and are amazing, but my soul mate is dead and I don't know if I can take it. It would be so easy to shut down. It would ease my pain. But it would end my chance to have anything, to create anything with Husband. And I want that so badly. Because I know that mostly he is the person I thought he was. But I don't know how to reconcile what I know now with who I thought I knew. I just wish there was a way to get myself out of this - like a big hand that could come down and pluck me out of the middle of this completely fucked up thing that is my life now. Reality is completely undefined for me right now. If it weren't for my son I'm sure I'd just let myself go crazy. It would feel so much better. God I'm so lonely. And I'm so confused. And so full of conflicting feelings and emotions. And I want so much to find love with Husband. To approach or surpass the illusion I was living before. God. wake me up - get me out of this.

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