Spent Monday's therapy session talking about disclosure. Husband is supposed to write his Secrets and Lies List, then put it into a timeline, and finally distill it down to a summary report for the disclosure session. My assignment is to write a list/letter of the ways this situation (discovering that Husband has been contacting/visiting prostitutes and lying/keeping secrets about it)has impacted me. I should think in terms of the following kinds of questions:
How has it affected my perception of ourpast together?
How does it affect my thoughts/hopes/fears/investments re: my/our future?
How has it affected my feelings about myself as a woman?
A sexual being?
A wife?
A mother?
How has it (and all the therapy and financial consequences) affected my
feelings of safety and security, about the predictability of the world
I know?
My therapist said it's important to know my goals going in (my expectations) so we can determine that the disclosure has been successful. I said I want to know dates of activity so I can begin to merge what I know about my life with the larger picture of what was really going on in my life (even though I didn't know about it at the time.) I also want to know everything, and for Husband and I to look at it and acknowledge it together, so that we start building on a clean foundation with nothing hidden. I believe that only when all the facts are on the table can we make informed decisions and choices about what we want to do and/or are willing to do next. Finally, I want to know that Husband sees the full impact, and I want to know that he knows I know the full impact. I don't want to leave him with a feeling of having gotten away with anything, however small.
I read her notes I'd been jotting down all week to help me construct my letter.
As soon as I said I wanted to know everything that happened, the First Step popped into my head and I realized I can't control whether or not Husband tells me the whole truth. So I'll have to compromise there. I'll have to get what I get, and then decide what I want to do based on my boundries, my instincts and my best judgement. So now I'm prepared to come away with less information than I want.
My therapist began to bring up several questions she heard underlying the notes I'd read to her:
Why did this happen?
How do we build trust again?
How will I know I can believe you?
We talked about how these are timeless, archetypal kinds of questions that fall into the category of "unknowable." And I realized that there are some things I won't get answers to, ever. And there are also, as Husband has pointed out, some things for which I won't get an explanation that makes things better - there are some things that are just horrible, and the only answer is that he did them and must deal with the consequences.
The Beginning of Something Else
On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.
Tuesday, July 31, 2007
What do I want from disclosure?
Labels:
addiction,
affair,
betrayal,
compulsive,
disclosure,
healing,
how to live with a sex addict,
infidelity,
marriage,
monogamy,
partner of a sex addict,
relationships,
sex addict,
sex addiction
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