The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Mostly good days and ongoing confusion

The past 5 days have been mostly good. Time with my son, and with Husband. Couples therapy Saturday. I do have what our therapist called "invasive thought" that come up and cause anxiety on a daily basis, but over the past 5 days they haven't spiraled toward deep sadness the way they have at other times.

This morning, was having some feeling of non-specific anxiety, and went to Husband for some good hugs. That helped but the feeling lingers now. Driving to work I realizd that I think sometimes my love for Husband is bound up in a little ball inside me somewhere. I know that I love him, but somehow I don't know that I'm letting myself feel those feelings. As can happen when driving in LA, I got to thinking about being killed in a traffic accident. I thought it would be such a deeply sad thing never to see my son again. But I got this notion that I wouldn't feel that way about Husband. That if I didn't see him again I could carry on. Now, I really do know that I love him. So I was surprised by this apparent lack of connection to those feelings. I'm sure it's a natural and healthy defensive reaction to the betrayal that has taken place. But I had not identified it before. And maybe this disconnection from something that serves as a powerful source of good things in my life (aside from the betrayal and infidelity) is contributing to the anxiety I have today. I don't know.

It's said that to do the same thing and expect a different result is the definition of insanity. So I feel hesitant when I hear Husband express his love and see all the things he's doing to make this right again. This expression of love is something I've seen from him before - but I now know what was actually happening over the last 5 - 9 years when I heard him express his love. So now, it makes me feel very uneasy to hear those things and believe that something different is going on. As lucky as I am to hear those words (I know there are many people who would give anything for a partner that is as dedicated to recovery as my husband) there is a part of me that cannot accept them as true.

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