The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Full Disclosure

The next step we're taking is the Full Disclosure. Our couples therapist has instructed Husband to write down every secret and lie he's kept or told in his whole life. I am to write a letter about how Husband's secrets and lies have impacted me. We will read these to each other in our therapy session in two weeks. We've also been asked not to discuss these issues until disclosure, which has been hard for me. We discuss aspects of issues, our feelings, thoughts, etc. But we are staying away from talking about the specifics of what happened with the idea that all the information will be in the disclosure document, and that I can ask all the questions I want following that. The approach our therapist is taking assumes that I have a right to know as much as I want to know about all of this, with the caveat that we do it in the safety of our therapy sessions so she can protect me from unnecessary information that can never be erased from my mind (will it really help me to know whose boobs were firmer than mine?) and help us deal with whatever comes up in a healthy way. Once again, thank god for therapists.

I've started jotting down ideas and thoughts I want to put into my letter. Intersting things have come up out of this process. I think it may be an access to my anger and resentment, which I do want to rid myself of, and need to rid myself of if I want a shot at a new and better relationship with Husband. I believe this New and Better is possible, but I'm not assuming anything. Time and my husband's actions will give me a better sense of that.

3 comments:

The Simple Scholar said...

Holy crap. That's heavy stuff, sweetie. I have so much respect for you staying and trying to work it out. You're a better person than I would be in your shoes. Best of luck.

Crystal said...

Hello again. Glad to hear you have found a therapist you really can work with. I thought it may be helpful for others to know how you found/picked a therapist? Also, what do your girlfriends think you should do, have they offered opinions?

woman.anonymous7 said...

I was fortunate to have a friend who is a therapist, and she was able to give me recommendations. Another good source of recommendations is people in your recovery group (S-Anon, CoSA, CoSLAA.)

As to what my friends say, I've told very few people. I believe that what we speak creates our world, and so I chose to tell only very close friends who would not judge the situation, Husband, or my choices, and who would help me with what I want (to stay with Husband and build a new, better relationship) rather than pushing their own agendas and advice. Gossip is poison, so I minimized the opportunity for that. Also, because Husband is the one most likely to be harshly judged in this situation, I've mostly left it up to him who we'll tell (with the exception of my very select group of friends described above who form the base of my support.)