The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Mixed feelings

Part of me feels so spiritual/optimistic about this sometimes.

I wrote to Husband earlier today, "I just want to tell you how much I love you and how excited I am about what the future holds for us. I know things will get easier with time as we build trust with each other. And I know that the deeper level of communication and listening will lead to a more satisfying, fulfilling relationship for both of us that can truly be a powerful, profound source. I am so grateful to have this opportunity to share life with you."

He wrote back with his love, and with a plan:

I’ve been having a fantasy about working the tools and incorporating meditation, exercise, reading and writing into a morning spiritual/physical ritual. It looks something like this:

10 minutes of reading

20 pushups

20 situps

20 minutes of Meditation

20 pushups

20 situps

20 minutes of journaling.

About an hour total. I could do this from 5:30 to 6:30 (most) every morning. I could do it in our room or down in the living room. We could do it together if you wanted to (!!!!)


I have, until this moment, imagined this in the Living Room in front of the fire place. No matter what we do I would like to paint the fireplace. I have been thinking about painting the fireplace together as a family in a mixture of colors as a Buddhist/Self Expression project that symbolizes our new commitment as a family to each other and to healing. Sort of a creative/healing/spiritual fire. The wooden Buddha or bigger one could go on the floor where the fire would be. Zafu mats and mediation pillows would go in front of that during mediation. I LOVE the idea of two nice chairs facing the fireplace and the rest of the room as a (neat) music making space.

I could create an iTunes Playlist that includes 10 minutes of silence for reading followed by Zen gongs (bells) followed by 5 minutes of silence or perhaps a workout song for pushups and situps followed by Zen Gongs and 20 minutes of silence for Meditation. Then music for workout and then timed silence for journaling. We could put this on your iPod for the iHome or in the living room.

Also we have some great Zen Centers nearby that I would like to start frequenting. I would be VERY happy if you would be interested in exploring that with me.

I love this plan. And I'm so happy that he is a commited to healing and building as I want to be.

But sometimes I still just feel sad. Pangs of fear and wondering. Little pains in the heart. It's been less than 2 months, so I guess it's all part of the process. I'm just going to go where my feelings take me for now, while trying to keep things in the realm of processing and moving through rather than dwelling. I wonder what life will be in a month, a year, 5 years. Just like always...there's no way to know. But I can be commited to the future that I want in each moment. And it's so good to know that Husband wants to be commited to that future, too.

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