The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Unspecific sadness

Over the last couple days I've been feeling a non-specific sadness, and experiencing a strong need to be held and comforted. My husband suggested that this might be grief, so I've started reading On Grief and Grieving by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler.

Just yesterday I was talking with my therapist about feeling really sad and angry about the fact that I can never get back the state of trust I had with Husband before: The unwavering belief I had that he would never lie to me. We can create a new, trusting relationship, but I will never again know my husband as someone who has never betrayed me at a fundamental level, and that feels very sad to me. Because that profound level of trust felt very special, especially in combination with the other aspects of our relationship. I felt a certain safety in believing that our relationship was almost on a different level than most if not all those I saw around me. Perhaps that is where the naivety lies. Or maybe that's arrogance. Whatever it was, it's gone forever. Our relationsihp will change, in so many important ways for the better. But there will be some rareifed things that we will never share again. That is probably cause for grief.

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