Just can't get my head around it

Today has been a good day. I've been able to focus at work, Husband and I had a nice morning together and have talked on the phone and by email several times today. We decided to go to Hawaii to celebrate our 10th anniversary and take our honeymoon, and he booked our trip today (Maui, resort, convertible, surfing lesson, sunset sail - it sounds absolutely wonderful!)

I haven't felt that sharp, distracting sadness that I've been prone to over the past few days. But I still just can't seem to wrap my head around what's happened in our relationship. It seems like it must not be true that since we've been married, Husband has had 25-30 sex partners and countless blow jobs and hand jobs from other women, and has lied to me for most of our marriage about this activity as it has increased in frequency over the years. Not just not mentioned it, but actively lied about where he was going, what he was doing, and about what he was doing with all that money, and then looking into my eyes and saying over and over again that he'd never do that when I asked him. It is surreal to say the least. I feel like it's something I've heard about someone else. When it comes down to it, it's not all the sex partners, although that hurts because there was a special intimacy that I wanted all for myself with my husband. But it's really the fact that we'd agreed that monogamy was important to both of us, and that he'd expressed his distain for affairs and people who had them over the years. Come to find out, fucking prostitutes was outside the realm of activity that fell into the "affairs" category. Who knew? Anyway...thank god for Saturday: Therapy Day.

I'm going to bring up the feeling I have that what he's done is worse than anything I've done so we can talk about it in a safe place and I can get over that and move forward without that tiny seed of resentment. I want to get all the tiny seeds out so that I'm back to the feeling I had before. Love free of resentment...that empowers us BOTH this time.