Source of anxiety

Husband and I were discussing going to Hawaii for our 10th anniversary/honeymoon (which we didn't take when we got married.) Talking about anniversary plans made me think about our anniversary last year. Last year, Husband was with a $500/hour prostitute the day before our 9th anniversary while Son and I were at his preschool Halloween party.

So of course I was feeling anxiety about this as I mulled it over in my mind. How could he pick THAT day to do this. The day before our 9th anniversary? What was he thinking? There must be some element of f-you toward me for doing something that would be so hurtful were I to know, and keeping that kind of secret from me while the next day celebrating 9 years of marriage and almost 18 years of partnership.

Ended up discussing this with Huband in bed, and got some anger out which was good. Also expressed my sadness and my fear. And I realized that what I'm so scared about is that to trust Husband again is like jumping back into the ocean without a life preserver after you've almost drowned, or like touching the stove again after you've already touched it and been burned. It goes against self preservation. But to give up Husband means to give up one of the most important things in my life. I love him. He's the funnest, smartest, funniest person I know. I love talking with him and being with him. Except for our personal insanities, we share a very common world view. The loss would be huge and devastating to me (not to mention to my son), and neither of us really want to take that route anyway. But what it comes down to is that there's no safe choice. Either path is frought with pain and uncertainty. Who wouldn't be a little edgy, right?