Went to see a play with Husband tonight, and there were so many things that seemed to trigger me tonight.
Compared to women I will never look like or feel like. And not women from 19 years ago, but women from 2 months ago. How could he not have noticed the difference between my body and the bodies of all those expensive prostitutes that he'd had sex with week before or the day before?
He was the one I was supposed to be good enough for. The one he picked and said, for you, because of my love for you, because of who you are to me, I give up all those other possibilities. But he didn't.
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This is an open journal of my experience coping with infidelity and sex addiction. Or...What To Expect When You Weren't Expecting.
Resources
- What is sex addiction?
- Dr. Patrick Carnes' Web Site
- Sex, Love and Addiction - Dr Rob Weiss Podcast
- Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
- Don't Call It Love by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
- Seeking Integrity
- The Center for Healthy Sex
- S-Anon spouse/partner/family support group
- Co-SLAA spouse/partner/family support group
- CoSA spouse/partner/family support group
- When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
- The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron
- No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh
- Writings of Anthony de Mello, SJ
- Not Always So: Practicing the True Spirit of Zen by Shunryu Suzuki
- Surviving Infidelity by Rona B. Subotnik
- After the Affair by Janis A. Spring
- The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
Blog Archive
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2007
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July
(27)
- What do I want from disclosure?
- Mostly good days and ongoing confusion
- Unexpected feelings
- Full Disclosure
- Today is better
- The gifts that come when you need them
- More information, very hard days
- Triggered
- Just can't get my head around it
- Mixed feelings
- throw one's own body into the 100,000 universes
- Talked last night
- I don’t know what to do with this pain.
- Still having trouble with focus
- Unspecific sadness
- A bit of a rough day
- Source of anxiety
- Husband's thoughts on the choice I need to make
- This communication business isn't easy
- One day at a time
- On Saturday Husband and I had an amazing session w...
- To my husband
- Post traumatic stress disorder
- Thought I was done with these kinds of days
- Undefinable emptiness
- Betrayal, monogamy, trust
- A month out
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July
(27)
About Me
- woman.anonymous7
- Woman. Late 50s. In a committed relationship with Husband for 34 years. Married in 1997. Husband started seeking out lap dances to orgasm around 1994/95, hand jobs and blow job from prostitutes around 2001 when I was pregnant. Intercourse with prostitutes began in 2003, and was discovered for the first time June 1, 2007.
The Point of Marriage
"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Posts
3 comments:
I wonder how many people are reading this blog. Does anyone have comments about the posts?
I've read some of your posts. I feel for you that you are going through this. My thoughts are, why wouldn’t you feel this way about everything? It’s completely understandable.
Your husband seems to have made a lot of comments to you about how you weren't there for him. If he had a problem with you or your relationship, did he tell you? Did he even suggest going to counseling? Or did he just start going to strippers and hookers and lying to your face?
And is it really an "addiction" or just an obsession? An obsession with something he did and got away with, so he indulged and did some more and then more. Like a child does who gets away with something.
You have a feeling that what he did was so much worse than what you did because it without a doubt was. Has he thought about the fact that not only could he have exposed himself to life threatening disease, but you also? Has he thought about what would have happened to your child if you, your child's mother, contracted such a disease? If both his parents were gone because of his choices? Will you be able to trust him again with your health and safety, your life?
You seem to be a very sensitive and compassionate person; I worry about us women and how our compassion and sympathy for others may sometimes work to the detriment of our own well being. I wonder if, at this point, it is wise to let him put focus on how he thinks you disappointed him. Should you be working so hard to see the “wrong” you have done? I'm curious to know what a counselor would say about that, for your well being. You have done nothing to deserve what has happened. No one is to blame for another’s cheating.
How will you ever know if he is looking right into your eyes and lying again? Will you always wonder? Will you waste your time and energy and your heart checking up on him? Or comparing yourself to others? Or do you see yourself being able to continue without these doubts, without having to forever check?
First, on the question of addiction vs. obsession, the reading I've done has left no doubt in my mind that sexual addiction is real, and is a compulsive behavior that goes beyond the need for improved self-control. That's not a fact, just my opinion on the matter, and what I've chosen to use to help guide me as I navigate my life now.
The twelve steps talk about how you can't control someone else, only yourself. So in healing myself and creating a new relationship with Husband, I look for where I can clean up my side of the street, so to speak, because only he can clean up his. If he can't, I'll need to re-evaluate what outcome I want given that obstacle.
Will I always wonder? I hope not, but it feels likely at this point. My ability to know him as someone who would never lie to me is gone forever. I'm trying to decide if there is some percentage of trust less than 100% that I can live with happily. As I think about this, I'm keeping in mind that trust is something one gives, but certainty is something I don't believe one can ever have. I think that may be the nature of life - you never know for sure, even when you trust that you do.
As for constantly checking up on him and comparing and doubting myself, letting go of compulsive behaviors like those is part of my own recovery. Both S-Anon and my therapists are addressing those issues with me.
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