The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Sunday, July 22, 2007


Went to see a play with Husband tonight, and there were so many things that seemed to trigger me tonight.

Compared to women I will never look like or feel like. And not women from 19 years ago, but women from 2 months ago. How could he not have noticed the difference between my body and the bodies of all those expensive prostitutes that he'd had sex with week before or the day before?

He was the one I was supposed to be good enough for. The one he picked and said, for you, because of my love for you, because of who you are to me, I give up all those other possibilities. But he didn't.


Crystal said...

I wonder how many people are reading this blog. Does anyone have comments about the posts?

Crystal said...

I've read some of your posts. I feel for you that you are going through this. My thoughts are, why wouldn’t you feel this way about everything? It’s completely understandable.

Your husband seems to have made a lot of comments to you about how you weren't there for him. If he had a problem with you or your relationship, did he tell you? Did he even suggest going to counseling? Or did he just start going to strippers and hookers and lying to your face?

And is it really an "addiction" or just an obsession? An obsession with something he did and got away with, so he indulged and did some more and then more. Like a child does who gets away with something.

You have a feeling that what he did was so much worse than what you did because it without a doubt was. Has he thought about the fact that not only could he have exposed himself to life threatening disease, but you also? Has he thought about what would have happened to your child if you, your child's mother, contracted such a disease? If both his parents were gone because of his choices? Will you be able to trust him again with your health and safety, your life?

You seem to be a very sensitive and compassionate person; I worry about us women and how our compassion and sympathy for others may sometimes work to the detriment of our own well being. I wonder if, at this point, it is wise to let him put focus on how he thinks you disappointed him. Should you be working so hard to see the “wrong” you have done? I'm curious to know what a counselor would say about that, for your well being. You have done nothing to deserve what has happened. No one is to blame for another’s cheating.

How will you ever know if he is looking right into your eyes and lying again? Will you always wonder? Will you waste your time and energy and your heart checking up on him? Or comparing yourself to others? Or do you see yourself being able to continue without these doubts, without having to forever check?

woman.anonymous7 said...

First, on the question of addiction vs. obsession, the reading I've done has left no doubt in my mind that sexual addiction is real, and is a compulsive behavior that goes beyond the need for improved self-control. That's not a fact, just my opinion on the matter, and what I've chosen to use to help guide me as I navigate my life now.

The twelve steps talk about how you can't control someone else, only yourself. So in healing myself and creating a new relationship with Husband, I look for where I can clean up my side of the street, so to speak, because only he can clean up his. If he can't, I'll need to re-evaluate what outcome I want given that obstacle.

Will I always wonder? I hope not, but it feels likely at this point. My ability to know him as someone who would never lie to me is gone forever. I'm trying to decide if there is some percentage of trust less than 100% that I can live with happily. As I think about this, I'm keeping in mind that trust is something one gives, but certainty is something I don't believe one can ever have. I think that may be the nature of life - you never know for sure, even when you trust that you do.

As for constantly checking up on him and comparing and doubting myself, letting go of compulsive behaviors like those is part of my own recovery. Both S-Anon and my therapists are addressing those issues with me.