The love of friends

Marcie sent me this today:

“ Pleasure is always derived from something outside you, whereas joy arises from within… all cravings are the mind seeking salvation or fulfillment in external things and in the future as a substitute for the joy of being.” - Ekhart Tolle

I think it's a concise way of putting what Husband was doing into context.

Driving back from taking Son to play in the snow north of LA, my mind drifted to thoughts of the places Husband had gone for sex. Heading west into the city we passed through one of the communities he went where there is a brothel - I guess that's what you'd call it, although that seems old fashioned.

I wondered again what must have been going through his mind, what he thought about on those drives to and from meeting prostitutes, how he put it into the context of the rest of his life.

He said there's no rational answer, that the reality lies somewhere in craziness. Not as an excuse, but as the best explanation he has to offer. There's no question in my mind that he was seeking substitutes for the joy of being, because he was so removed from that joy at the time.

I still struggle with how to reconcile the shift with Husband. For years he's the person I love and trust the most and in an instant he became the person who lied to me and hurt me far beyond what anyone else, beyond any perceived "worst enemy" I've ever faced in life. Yes he still loves me, but instead of being the safest place, he's the most dangerous place. It's such an abrupt transition that the ongoing processing of it still causes glitches in my mind.