The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Sometimes I forget why I'm still here

Some days, perhaps today because I'm sick and exhausted, I wonder if any other self respecting, funny, smart, attractive woman in my position would have left long ago. Do I lack the self respect to leave someone who has done to me the worst thing I can really imagine? Am I just crazy to stay with a man who has grown my love and trust over 20 years and then betrayed all of that, for whatever reason.

I never imagined that I'd be in my mid 40s, married to a sad, troubled man, not sure I can ever trust the person I'm spending my life with, and feeling disappointment that this is what my life is. I expected to at least be happier, to be growing old with someone I knew, someone I trusted and respected, someone who shared my values. Now all of that is in question and will be for some time I think.

Even after these months of therapy and groups and reading and whatnot, I still don't trust Husband, still feel like I don't really know him, still feel sad that the level of trust and honesty and...knowing who he is feels gone forever.

All the reading I'm doing counsels me to turn toward the pain and sadness and fear, and that's what I'm trying to do. But some days it's hard. Some days I feel sad and empty. Some days I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

But I also don't want to take the easy way out. I don't want to run from the lessons and the precious opportunities for growth that this pain offers. I just wish I didn't sometimes doubt my sanity or my self respect regarding this approach.

I'm working on cultivating the "other" person I can talk with, that access to other parts of my consciousness, to offer me guidance. Maybe I'll find some answers to my questions there.

I haven't been meditating or exercising since we've both been sick for about week, so that's probably some of the reason I'm feeling the way I am. I know I'm on a path, and I really believe in this path, but sometimes it feels like the lantern blows out and I'm just lost in the dark.


VelVerb said...

Dear I know. I noticed that you have been reading a lot of buddhist texts. I've been a "practicing" buddhist for several years now, and the teachings, while simple and beautiful, are not always easy on us when it comes to pain.

I would also recommend Really really good resources and lessons for partners over there.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I've learned not to underestimate how much sickness can affect my mood. One little cold can undo months of work. Hope you are feeling better -- physically and otherwise -- soon.

thejunkyswife said...

I often find myself wondering which way out is the easy way out...I'm not sure which path would be harder, leaving or staying.

Rae said...

I'm sorry for your pain and frustration. I know how hard it is to feel stuck, but to want to "wait out" the lesson. I'm learning more each day that "waiting it out" ... continuing to show up even though I have no freakin' reason why I do, is the right thing to do. Hang in there.

Recovery Discovery said...

Between this post and the last one, you've got all kinds of thoughts rattling in my brain. I really should visit you more often. I don't have any answers but I share many of your struggles.

super lady said...

i preferred not to think i am "staying"--i truly took it a day at a time, and my Al anon sponsor would tell me almost every day, "you dont have to make any decisions today." and i would exhale and go on about the business of living and raising kids and taking care of myself etc. when finally i realized it was not that i "can't do this anymore" it was actually "I wont' do this anymore" it was a true relief. only thing i would say is that dont make any huge life decisions right now. i think you said its been since july or so, but in the scope of things not long. and if at all possible, and i know you know this, try to step out of his program as much as humanly possible. the answers will come.

Kellee said...

I'm with MPJ on this one. In the early days & months of recovery, any illness had the potential to send me into a tailspin & back to Day 1 of the nightmare.

Hoping you're feeling better.

Also, for what it's worth, for me when the pain of staying became greater than the fear & pain of leaving that's when I had my answer. And when that happened, a peace came over my life. The urgency of making a decision was gone. I was completely content & serene about the whole thing. Staying or leaving is something we all have to go thru & come to on our own.