Today is better

Maybe it was the last gasp of grief for 2007. That would be great - if last week was the last of the worst.

We had our annual New Year's Day open house yesterday, and I spent the day being a host to our many good friends. Only two of the 60 or so people who came by know anything about what has happened between Husband and I over the past 6 months. I was nervous about how I'd get through the day after the heavy sadness of the final days of December, but our New Year's Eve ritual seemed to clear the air a bit. Starting to exercise again got the good chemicals flowing I think.

I returned to work today after about 10 days off, and it wasn't as depressing as I was afraid it would be. Still playing catch up, but things are going much better in general and my day was very productive. Productivity is an antidote to anxiety for me.

Had one moment of concern when I realized Husband had not come home after dropping Son off at school this morning. Where had he and his addict gone? Turns out they went to the bookstore. And got a book. About figuring out what color their parachute is. Better than the alternatives, but the addict is definitely keeping him company as he faces these large blocks of unstructured time in which he's supposed to be looking for his next job, writing, taking care of a lot of grown up stuff we've neglected for too long.

He's working with a schedule he constructed for himself, and when I asked him about what he'd been up to he explained that getting this book was part of "working on job stuff" which is what he had scheduled for this morning. Okay...I'll buy that. But I'm also going to keep an eye on what's going on so that I can let him know if things aren't working for me.

No more blind faith that he's making good decisions and good use of his time. I'm not his mother, but I'm definitely going to be taking care of myself now, and I'm going to be clear to both of us about what doesn't work for me. And if it causes conflict, all the better. It's time for our interactions to get messy. Harmony is so May 2007. This is going to be the year of yelling and compassion.