On the treadmill last night it dawned on me that if Husband didn't come back from his trip for some reason, I'd be fine. I think I've already had such grief and loss from this betrayal that nothing could feel worse with respect to Husband.
Back before we were married when we still lived in Seattle (so before 1993) I told Husband that I wanted to be sure he knew I could live without him. That stuck in the forefront of his mind and, to some extent, defined his experience with me even as it grew to be less and less true for me. Though he didn't know it, Husband became for me someone I'd never want to live without. But last night it felt as though I'm back where I was before all those years ago - detached and in control.
When I woke up this morning, I tried to call Husband before meditating. I didn't reach him, but knew he'd call me back when he could. After I started meditating I realized that his phone interview for a job was only about 10 minutes away, and I worried that he might be sleeping through it because he'd just gotten off the red-eye. So I called again, several times. No answer - up until 5 minutes before the interview. No answer.
As I thought about what could have happened to keep him from answering (car accident, jumped out of the plane, killed himself (after all, he looked like something heavy was on his mind when he left), etc...) I began to feel sad at the thought of really living without him, and I realized that as guarded as I feel I still want a chance to work it out, and I'd miss him deeply if he really were gone from my life. I was happy to discover that. Happy to realize that I really do want to keep trying to create a solid, loving, trusting relationship with him. Happy to realize that it's just fear, and not indifference that's settled over my heart.
He called about a minute later. He wasn't dead. He was in the shower.
Showing posts with label business trip. Show all posts
Showing posts with label business trip. Show all posts
Thursday, October 4, 2007
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Husband's responses to my (crazy?) questions
This is what Husband said over the course of our email exchange in response to my questions:
I plan to stick to my food plan. I will not act out. I will work out at the gym and swim in the pool. I will call you all the time.
I will have two beers or fewer when I am gone. Total.
Hmmm. I don’t know. Doesn’t feel like your trying to control me. Feels like you’re concerned about me. I like it. Maybe not completely healthy but I wouldn’t worry about it.
My Inner Circle (this is an SAA thing, and is behavior from which the addict declares he is completely abstinent):
Having Sexual Contact with anyone other than my wife – this includes lap dances. Sexual Contact includes any and all sexual contact including massage, sexual touching, orgasm, anything.
Visiting Strip Clubs
Going to (he specified a site, but I refuse to publicize it here)
Masturbating to pornography
Spending money on pornography (magazines, internet etc)
I have not put all online porn in my inner circle because I don’t want to lose my time (meaning break my abstinence) if I stumble across an ad or something or something pops up (which has happened).
Since masturbating to porn is proscribed and porn is in my middle circle, however, I don’t spend time with it.
Please remember that for my recovery I am specifically accountable to my sponsor and I worked this out with him. It is a fluid document, however, and we can certainly talk about it.
This last comment is his response to my resistance to making requests, and my aversion to doing anything that feels like setting "rules" for him.
My approach has always been to see what he decides/chooses and then decide if it works for me (based on my own wants and needs)and what my response will be. So this put the whole responsibility for decision making in our relationship on him. He would have to be the one to decide, then I would accept or reject and act accordingly.
What we found out recently in couples therapy is that while I felt I was protecting myself from assuming the role of parent in our relationship, he felt (unbeknownst to me) like I was testing him.
One part of my growth is that I'm learning to make direct requests and take responsibility for what I want in a healthier way. I'm giving him a chance to hear my needs and wants BEFORE he makes his decisions/choices, which he never had the opportunity to do before.
I've had to develop a script for making direct requests. It goes something like, "Knowing that you are an adult, and free to make your own choices, what I would like is..." I have to remind myself that I'm simply stating what would work for me, and not issuing an order or setting a limit on his behavior before I can make a request.
I feel good about learning to set boundaries for myself and to express what will and will not work for me. But I never want to be in an intimate relationship where I'm setting boundaries or creating rules for someone else. That feels like a parent/child relationship to me, not an adult partner relationship.
I plan to stick to my food plan. I will not act out. I will work out at the gym and swim in the pool. I will call you all the time.
I will have two beers or fewer when I am gone. Total.
Hmmm. I don’t know. Doesn’t feel like your trying to control me. Feels like you’re concerned about me. I like it. Maybe not completely healthy but I wouldn’t worry about it.
My Inner Circle (this is an SAA thing, and is behavior from which the addict declares he is completely abstinent):
Having Sexual Contact with anyone other than my wife – this includes lap dances. Sexual Contact includes any and all sexual contact including massage, sexual touching, orgasm, anything.
Visiting Strip Clubs
Going to (he specified a site, but I refuse to publicize it here)
Masturbating to pornography
Spending money on pornography (magazines, internet etc)
I have not put all online porn in my inner circle because I don’t want to lose my time (meaning break my abstinence) if I stumble across an ad or something or something pops up (which has happened).
Since masturbating to porn is proscribed and porn is in my middle circle, however, I don’t spend time with it.
Please remember that for my recovery I am specifically accountable to my sponsor and I worked this out with him. It is a fluid document, however, and we can certainly talk about it.
This last comment is his response to my resistance to making requests, and my aversion to doing anything that feels like setting "rules" for him.
My approach has always been to see what he decides/chooses and then decide if it works for me (based on my own wants and needs)and what my response will be. So this put the whole responsibility for decision making in our relationship on him. He would have to be the one to decide, then I would accept or reject and act accordingly.
What we found out recently in couples therapy is that while I felt I was protecting myself from assuming the role of parent in our relationship, he felt (unbeknownst to me) like I was testing him.
One part of my growth is that I'm learning to make direct requests and take responsibility for what I want in a healthier way. I'm giving him a chance to hear my needs and wants BEFORE he makes his decisions/choices, which he never had the opportunity to do before.
I've had to develop a script for making direct requests. It goes something like, "Knowing that you are an adult, and free to make your own choices, what I would like is..." I have to remind myself that I'm simply stating what would work for me, and not issuing an order or setting a limit on his behavior before I can make a request.
I feel good about learning to set boundaries for myself and to express what will and will not work for me. But I never want to be in an intimate relationship where I'm setting boundaries or creating rules for someone else. That feels like a parent/child relationship to me, not an adult partner relationship.
Husband is traveling for business
Just found out that Husband will be traveling for business for a couple of days. Leaving on the red-eye tonight.
Following are the questions I had to ask:
So...yet another indication of where I am at this point in the journey.
What do these questions indicate? Hell if I know. But I know I'll look back in a year and knowingly say, "Ahhhh, yes..." and see clearly through what is now sometimes a dense forest to me.
Following are the questions I had to ask:
- What about your meetings - can you do by phone?
Are you going to rent movies? What is your plan with respect to food, alcohol, sex?
Just so I'm clear, what is "acting out?" Movies, magazines, clubs? Where do those fall? More specifically, what is okay (by your definition) for you to do?
About alcohol - is nine drinks okay? I know it is in terms of abstinence, but what is your plan - what do you commit to now so that when you're sitting at the bar you'll have a point of reference?
And does this feel like I'm trying to control you? I'm just wondering...
So...yet another indication of where I am at this point in the journey.
What do these questions indicate? Hell if I know. But I know I'll look back in a year and knowingly say, "Ahhhh, yes..." and see clearly through what is now sometimes a dense forest to me.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
What does co-dependency look like?
It goes something like this...
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
Yesterday I found a receipt from one of Husband’s business trips this past February. Oddly enough, it was on the floor in the hallway by the front door. Don’t know why. It was for 3 double Jack Daniels and 3 Sam Adams at a bar on a night I know he took out $400 from our account to try to get a prostitute.
I didn’t get a chance to talk with him about it until today after I landed in Sacramento. I called him at work to let him know I landed safely and asked if it was a good time for me to ask some questions. I’ve done this so many times (call with questions) that he knows what this question means, and was ready to listen and answer as best he could from his rather public cube at work.
“You know when you went on business trips you told me that although you tried, you were never able to successfully hire a prostitute. Is that true?”
“Yes.”
“And did you ever just entertain prostitutes or other women on these trips?”
“No.”
“Because last night I found a receipt on the floor.” I explained what it for, and what time the credit card was processed (just after midnight.) I know he often orders a scotch on the rocks with a beer, and that he likes Sam Adams. But I’ve never know him to order bourbon. He said that he actually does order bourbon when the scotch is too expensive. (Odd, again, because well scotch can’t be more expensive than JD. I may have to ask about this again, because this “odd” type of thing was something I usually ignored before.) He said he thought he had been talking to a guy and may have bought him a couple beers, but after he thought about it for a bit he decided that he had been alone on that occasion.
Finally I came to the question that had been the first to enter my mind when I found the receipt. “That’s nine drinks. So you had nine drinks by yourself?” He said he did, and that his intention was to get drunk since he was unsuccessful in arranging a prostitute. (He’s said he only used online services, never picked them up on the street.) I asked him if he’d ever considered that alcohol might be another addiction of his. That maybe, like his dad, he was a functioning alcoholic, but that it was actually a problem. He said that he had considered that. And he said he couldn’t keep talking about that subject anymore because of the lack of privacy. We agreed to discuss it later.
There are still lingering things that fall into the “odd” category.
He withdrew $100 on 2/8, $400 on 2/9 and $40 on 2/10 (I've done the research and I have a spreadsheet cross-referencing cash withdrawals and cell phone records), yet he paid for those 9 drinks with his credit card. So where did the $500 go? He said when he couldn’t get prostitutes he went shopping for gifts. But I don’t recall $500 worth of gifts coming home. Yet he took out that $40 on 2/10, so he must have spent that $500 somewhere. I have to ask him about this.
Yes, I know this is what obsessing and co-dependency are all about. And yes, I’m still going to ask.
I’m sitting in the Sacramento airport. I have vivid memories of being in this airport for business travel on June 5, four days after I’d found out about all of Husband’s lies and infidelity. I was standing right outside the security checkpoint on the phone with Nora, weeping because I didn’t want to go home, because I didn’t what to go back to the life I had there now. If I didn’t go home, maybe it wouldn’t be real. It all felt so unreal anyway. That’s what the Sacramento airport reminds me of.
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