Husband is traveling for business

Just found out that Husband will be traveling for business for a couple of days. Leaving on the red-eye tonight.

Following are the questions I had to ask:

What about your meetings - can you do by phone?
Are you going to rent movies? What is your plan with respect to food, alcohol, sex?
Just so I'm clear, what is "acting out?" Movies, magazines, clubs? Where do those fall? More specifically, what is okay (by your definition) for you to do?
About alcohol - is nine drinks okay? I know it is in terms of abstinence, but what is your plan - what do you commit to now so that when you're sitting at the bar you'll have a point of reference?
And does this feel like I'm trying to control you? I'm just wondering...

So...yet another indication of where I am at this point in the journey.

What do these questions indicate? Hell if I know. But I know I'll look back in a year and knowingly say, "Ahhhh, yes..." and see clearly through what is now sometimes a dense forest to me.

More sex, fewer orgasms

Another thing I've noticed is that while we have more sex, and we're both so much more present (except for me when I have those invasive thoughts), but I have fewer orgasms.

I used to regularly have orgasms from intercourse, which I preferred to oral sex. Husband loves to give oral sex - always has. And now we do that a lot more. And I can have orgasms from that. But I still prefer the intimacy of an orgasm with my body connected to the length of his body, our lips pressing together, our arms wrapped around each other. But that doesn't happen anymore, at least not without Husband or me providing extra stimulation.

I did have orgasms from intercourse immediately after I found out, when I was in a heightened sexual state (probably from the wacky, fear and anxiety induced chemicals coursing through my body at the time.)

My ability to have orgasms during intercourse is something I miss and want back. It feels like a part of my sexuality has deserted me. I can't pinpoint the cause (generally, of course, I get it), but I hope it works itself out.

Four months out - time to take inventory

Here is a snapshot of what life is like four months after finding out about Husband's secret life:

Generally, ups and downs are a part of life but things continue slow, steady improvement. (People told me this would happen, and I found it really hard to believe in the early months.)

Things that I note that have changed about me and my behavior:

Husband and I usually have sex at least once a day, which was not the case before
I've lost weight and I exercise regularly
I wear sexy underwear
I shave my legs almost nightly
I wear makeup more often
I'm beginning to accept Husband's humanity - that he's flawed by definition
Working on accepting my own humanity
Still get jolted when I think of him with prostitutes - some part of me still asks why
Can accept that prostitutes, fast food binges and shopping were interchangeable on the menu of things he used to numb and distract himself
Feel trust beginning to grow, although I'm more attuned to my instincts around it and I still have a lot of doubt
Learning not to fix, but to listen instead

I believe that many of the things I do regarding my appearance are for myself and not to control Husband. In the event that Husband decides he can't abstain, I want to be able to feel as good about myself as possible, attractive and desirable. I can't tell if that's crazy or healthy.

I am lucky and grateful that Husband has been able to remain abstinent. He is very present to the cost. I'm concerned about the long term, not as much with sex but with food and alcohol.

Haven't really discussed alcohol addiction beyond my brief mention of it at the receipt incident.

Feel angry - it flares up like those fires shooting off the sun, but most of the time I'm not present to feeling angry

Not feeling crushing sadness anymore

Can still unexpectedly spiral into anxiety

Not trusting myself. I commented on the issue of trust recently, and I realized yesterday that I fall into that category of people who can't count on themselves. I trust myself not to abuse, betray or hurt myself. But I don't yet trust my ability to distinguish what is real and what is not, or to be able to spot another liar if I start another intimate relationship.

Oddly enough, I'm feeling more co-dependent feelings than I ever have. Before I had issues of needing to control via fixing that I was not aware of. I still have those, though awareness is making all the difference. However I need so much more reassurance, and have so much more anxiety about whether or not I'm good enough in my relationship than I ever did before. I used to feel solid and secure in my relationship, and that feeling has not yet returned.

Yesterday I was thinking that I don't want my husband to get satisfaction out of any personal growth I'm having as a result of this - then realized that is a form of wanting to control something I can't control.

I think I'm struggling a lot because I'm coming to terms with a fear of the unknowability that is part of the human condition. This feels so deep and scary to me.

I'm struggling with the higher power concept - someone in my group said when there's nothing else you can trust, you can trust that...but I don't want to trust that things that happen to me are part of some other entity's "plan" for me. That feels to me like another way of not facing reality, not facing the fact that sometimes bad shit happens and it's bad and there's nothing that will change that.

I've thought further about why I find the definition of codependence useful, and I've realized that understanding patterns of codependence provides some structure when I am unsure of reality. If I can't be sure of what's real, at least I can spot a pattern and then decide whether or not I want to stick with that pattern and the associated outcomes.