Notes to self

In group therapy I noted two things tonight that I don't want to forget:

1) Husband's sex addiction could be my higher power's way of providing me with the opportunity to deal with unresolved issues with my father. Perhaps I'm ready now in a way that I wasn't before.

2) My attempts to manage other people's experiences result me not seeking support from others and missing out on making connections. The issue is rooted in my lack of boundaries, and my fear that others can't set boundaries. While it may be true that others can't set boundaries, that's not my responsibility to manage. I can manage my own boundaries, but I can't (and miss out on intimacy in some cases) when I try to do that for others. It holds me back from a lot.

Boundaries and Consequences (but I'm not your mother)

In my group therapy last night we brought lists of boundaries and consequences we'd drawn up. Specifically these are boundaries with regard to our sex addicted partners.

Before doing this list, I realized that while there was one clear boundary that I'd communicated (no sexual contact with anybody else while we're married) I hadn't communicated other boundaries around sex addiction issues, nor had I articulated any consequences for broken boundaries.

I've been resisting doing this kind of list because I refuse to draw up a list of rules Husband has to follow. I want my partner to have his own moral compass, and responsibility for his own thoughts and feelings, and to use recovery tools, support groups and therapists to address compulsive behavior - NOT to turn to something I've spelled out to know what is okay and what's not.

I'm not his mother and I don't want to be.

However, knowing my boundaries, thinking them through in detail, is good for me. It's part of my self-definition. What works for me, and what doesn't. So this is my list-in-progress of what doesn't work for me (in other words, boundaries to protect me, not to control him):

It doesn't work for me if Husband:
1) has sexual contact of any kind with anyone else, in person or otherwise.
2) lies, hides or purposely omits anything that I would want to know as his partner.
3) uses porn or media of any kind for sexual activity.
4) visits online prostitution sites, or phones or otherwise contacts prostitutes
5) gets a massage of any kind from a woman (if he needs a theraputic massage, he can get a man)
6) spends large sums of our money without consulting me
7) discontinues weekly 12-step meetings
8) discontinues therapy against the advice of his therapist

He is free to do any of these things, but now he knows that if he chooses to do them he's making a choice that threatens the basic level of comfort and safety I need to feel in our relationship and that there will be consequences for crossing my expressed boundaries.

Even as I write it, it sounds too punishment oriented to me, too much like a list of things not to do if he wants to be a good boy. (Yuk!)

But on the other hand, boundaries without consequences are meaningless, and will get me nowhere in terms of having a strong sense of self.

I never felt the need to establish boundaries with Husband before. At least not about these kinds of things, and not explicitly. (I guess I was assuming wedding vows would count for something.)

But here we are. And that's my recovery work for today.

We agreed that the consequences don't need to be shared, although I did tell him that as long as he's actively participating in recovery I won't end the relationship without discussion. (Though if the boundary crossing is major, we'll have the discussion AFTER he moves out.)

Husband's responses to my (crazy?) questions

This is what Husband said over the course of our email exchange in response to my questions:

I plan to stick to my food plan. I will not act out. I will work out at the gym and swim in the pool. I will call you all the time.

I will have two beers or fewer when I am gone. Total.

Hmmm. I don’t know. Doesn’t feel like your trying to control me. Feels like you’re concerned about me. I like it. Maybe not completely healthy but I wouldn’t worry about it.

My Inner Circle (this is an SAA thing, and is behavior from which the addict declares he is completely abstinent):
Having Sexual Contact with anyone other than my wife – this includes lap dances. Sexual Contact includes any and all sexual contact including massage, sexual touching, orgasm, anything.
Visiting Strip Clubs
Going to (he specified a site, but I refuse to publicize it here)
Masturbating to pornography
Spending money on pornography (magazines, internet etc)

I have not put all online porn in my inner circle because I don’t want to lose my time (meaning break my abstinence) if I stumble across an ad or something or something pops up (which has happened).

Since masturbating to porn is proscribed and porn is in my middle circle, however, I don’t spend time with it.

Please remember that for my recovery I am specifically accountable to my sponsor and I worked this out with him. It is a fluid document, however, and we can certainly talk about it.

This last comment is his response to my resistance to making requests, and my aversion to doing anything that feels like setting "rules" for him.

My approach has always been to see what he decides/chooses and then decide if it works for me (based on my own wants and needs)and what my response will be. So this put the whole responsibility for decision making in our relationship on him. He would have to be the one to decide, then I would accept or reject and act accordingly.

What we found out recently in couples therapy is that while I felt I was protecting myself from assuming the role of parent in our relationship, he felt (unbeknownst to me) like I was testing him.

One part of my growth is that I'm learning to make direct requests and take responsibility for what I want in a healthier way. I'm giving him a chance to hear my needs and wants BEFORE he makes his decisions/choices, which he never had the opportunity to do before.

I've had to develop a script for making direct requests. It goes something like, "Knowing that you are an adult, and free to make your own choices, what I would like is..." I have to remind myself that I'm simply stating what would work for me, and not issuing an order or setting a limit on his behavior before I can make a request.

I feel good about learning to set boundaries for myself and to express what will and will not work for me. But I never want to be in an intimate relationship where I'm setting boundaries or creating rules for someone else. That feels like a parent/child relationship to me, not an adult partner relationship.