Doing my own work

The Addict has requested that I "open a vein" and do my own personal work. So I'm trying to do that. It certainly can't hurt, and who doesn't have things to work on? Today in therapy we talked about my defensiveness. I am defensive. In my mind, I'm not defensive, I'm correcting a misperception or an error or a lack of nuance. But I'm defending myself, which means...I'm defensive. And when I'm defending myself, I'm not listening to my partner. And that's the key. Taking good care of your person, instead of getting to who is right or wrong in a heated moment. Not at the expense of self, but as a taking care of someone in a moment when they need to be heard. I'm afraid of being misunderstood. I'm afraid that I will be misunderstood and, as a result, not loved. I want to hear that I do nothing wrong or hurtful and that I'm loved. But, in fact I do make mistakes or have bad judgement or am selfish or say hurtful things. And what I have to get to is that I can be loved in spite of all that. I can be human, imperfect, and still be worthy of love and devotion. I'm always afraid something better will come along and that I'll no longer be deemed worthy of the love I was getting or the attraction someone was feeling for me or the place I held in someone's heart. (Try having that fear and then having your husband have sex with a bunch of prostitutes who are 20 - 30 years younger than you! It's extremely painful.) I'm defensive because I'm afraid. And it would be great if my partner could take that into consideration. But if he can't, it will be upon me to recognize that in myself in the heat of the moment and to take a deep breath and reflect, take responsibility and repair--if I want to take care of my person and create a secure functioning relationship. AND my partner will need to do that with me when he is afraid if we're to have a secure functioning relationship. But when one of the other of us can't in a momeent, for whatever reason, the other needs to take on the extra responsibility - the responsibility of taking care of the other in a difficult moment and LISTENING. And it's actually a stronger position because whether or not I stop defending myself and choose to reflect, repair and take responsibilty is within my control; whereas getting my partner to remember that I'm afraid of criticism because I think flaws and anger make me unworthy of love is NOT in my control.