I had dinner with the Addict tonight. Our couples therapist recommended that we try to make time to spend with each other so that we can practice the things we're learning in therapy. We are not great at communicating with each other, apparently. We learned something we call ABC: Assume no harm and Be Curious. In other words, when he says something to me that hurts or upsets me, I need to first assume no harm, and then be curious, i.e, ask questions. For example, "It sounds like you're saying X. Is that what you meant to communicate? Tell me more"
My individual therapist has also taught me the 3 Rs: Reflect back what you have heard and keep asking for more until the person has said everything they need to say; take Responsibility for your part and validate the person's experience (not necessarily validating what they say, but rather validating what they experienced whether or not it feels true or right to me); Repair with the appropriate apology for my part in something.
I tried that tonight. At my request, we shared our lists of resentments a couple weeks ago. The Addict really didn't want to do this exercise, and really struggled with it. He broke down crying in our session because he was so scared of sharing - I think he thought I would get angry and tell him to fuck off for good. But we got through it, and I wasn't angry at his list, as he feared. I did feel defensive about some things that felt inaccurate, but I kept myself from defending myself because the point was for each of us to be able to express our resentments, not to discuss or correct. At the end of the session, we agreed that we'd turn our lists into requests, because I really wanted to have a copy of his list so I could start to tease out my part and the things I need to work on.
This is what he gave to me:
I love you.
Nothing I say here is intended to excuse or explain my behavior. Nothing I say here is intended to absolve me of the work I have to do.
· I request that when you ask for difficult exchanges you are prepared to have them in a balanced adult way.
· I request that when we talk about difficult issues or when I bring up a problem you try to listen for your part in the issue and don’t try to move the subject around to avoid anything that you don’t want to look at or anything that seems unflattering.
· I request that you step back and do your own personal work. Really look into why you don’t seem to want to believe you ever get angry for example.
· I request that you don’t think of me as the bucket into which everything bad about our relationship gets thrown. Consider that where there are communication issues, you might have some responsibility and if it doesn’t occur to you immediately, get some help and dig deeper. Consider that the reason it is a mystery to you is that you are hiding something from yourself that you don’t want to face.
· I request that when you either think I am completely wrong or you are completely wrong you take a breath and set aside both of those options and, with help, look deeper to distinguish your part.
· I don’t think you’re a bad person but I don’t think you’re perfect. I think you are, like me, a work in progress and I think, like me, you need to be willing to do the work to make progress. I believe you are willing to do that work. I believe I am willing to do that work as well.
· I want to love you and support you as you do that work.
· I want you to love me and support me as I do that work.
· I want us to love and support each other as we work together.
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· I resent that it seems to me that there are exchanges which you’re asking for but you don't seem have the capacity to have them in a balanced adult way.
· To me if feels like theres a giant shell game going on. It feels wily, unsolid and I feel like it's an inadvertent effort to avoid taking any part in the dynamic if it reflects on you unflatteringly.
· I am bitter that you don't step back and do your own personal work. You don't open a vein to do any inquiry about yourself.
· I resent being the bucket into which every problem is thrown.
· In my experience you have blinders on and you won't consider that you have any lack or unflattering participation.
· There are more double binds than I can count and as I say this I'm aware that I am stepping into another one which I’m afraid will result in complete deflection or an utter collapse into which you catastrophize.
· I'm trying to find my own voice here and I want to give it to you but I distrust your ability to hear it.
· I'm willing to own my participation in these problems but I reject that I am only person responsible. You seem to be unable to consider your responsibility in a sustained way.
· I love you but when it comes to who you believe you are and how you show up, my perception is fundamentally different from yours. I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're a work in progress. But I'm afraid you're not truly willing to to do the work that will lead to progress.
· I am afraid that after I say these things you will want to give up but this is a sincere effort to get in the game with you.
· We both collude to keep you a saint and I accumulate all the bad. I don't think we should play that game anymore.
· I want to hold you and support you and love you as we're both deconstructing.
What I get out of this, at a high level: I deflect, catastrophize and dismiss him.
I wanted to talk through his list of resentments (from the past) to get a better handle on what I need to work on. Our experiences are so different. It's stunning at times. So, tonight I asked if we could do that, and he said yes. But it quickly became difficult. He said he didn't feel prepared to answer my questions, didn't feel qualified to answer. He said that he didn't want to dredge up the past to provide examples of the things he resents me for. It's hard to talk with him because he gets annoyed or upset quickly. I said I understood that he wanted to wait and maybe do this another time and that this was okay with me. And I tried to explain that this was my way of doing what he asked for - figuring out how to do my own work and what to look at. It continued to be difficult, with him seeming defensive. I kept trying to listen and validate and apologize for my part of things as he talked. But it felt like I kept saying things in the wrong way. And ultimately it did feel bad to hear him talking about what I need to work on and for me to take responsibility. He said that for 34 years, 100% of the time, when he had a problem he was never heard. It was hard to not defend myself. I'm far from perfect, but I'm also far from 100% insensitive to his problems. We did not talk at all about his accountability. And it wasn't supposed to be about that. And he prefaced our discussion with a reiteration that his list of resentments wasn't supposed to be an excuse or an explanation for his behavior. But it was hard for me to hold space for him and listen and take responsibility when I wasn't getting that back.
He said he loves me "like crazy." But I don't feel loved. It's hard to feel loved after betrayal. I feel abandoned, unseen, overlooked, despised, resented, forgotten.
He says he's changing, but he doesn't seem different enough yet. He expressed again a wish for my patience. I feel like I owe it to the 34 years we've been together to give him a year to work. I guess maybe it would be better to talk with him about what he is doing and how he thinks he's changing.
He said that he thought that, no matter what, each of us would come out of this better and stronger. I wanted to say that I got stronger after the first betrayal discovery, going through annihilation, grief, shattered heart and life. I am strong. Maybe I'll get better. He sees a lot of room for improvement in me. I have to have some patience so we can get to the part where I see what's better in him. He said that he has a huge ego that's as fragile as a bubble--and he's right.
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