Now that the traumatic phase of Husband's revalation feels behind me, I wonder if I'll be able to stay present to what was so clear when I was completely raw.
It would be so easy to slip back into that fantasy of being blissfully happy with nothing to fear. Husband is making all kinds of progress (struggling more with his OA issues which is not surprising.) He tells me he feels more present and closer to me than ever. And I know he loves me, something I don't think I ever doubted, even in the worst of times. So I could easily be lulled by all of this into feeling safe again (albiet with a level of distrust and guard that was never present before.)
But if I did that, I think I'd be playing a game. There would be a hidden part of me that was watching for betrayal, keeping me from being fully present and courageous in every moment, trading being for thinking or knowing. Where before I was fully open and fearlessly trusting (though lacking a certain awareness that I have now,) to slip back into the routine of "happy couple" would be an empty charade. This much I feel certain of.
The challenge now is to be; to be fully present and courageous in the face of the unknown and the fear that comes with that. What comes up in my mind is that the access to that will be availble through a relationship with self, and through ongoing and expanding spiritual practices. Both are new to me.
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4 comments:
No matter what our journey, I think it takes a lot of courage to walk down those paths which are unfamiliar.
Thinking of you as you find this new spot in life.
This is something I think is even harder for you guys dealing with a sex addict as a partner than it is for me. It hurts me when my husband relapses, and it is hard to live with the constant, looming possibility of relapse...but it isn't something so fundamental to our marriage. If I'm in a good place and he screws up, it is easy (or easier than before I found my own recovery) to keep it clear that it's his problem and not my own. I think I'd struggle more if his acting out were with sex than with drugs. It's hard stuff...
Sometimes I feel like this life of living with addiction is a kind of spiritual training...it keeps you constantly on your toes!
Thank you so much for your comments on my site ... I had heard of this "quietness" and the lack of chatter before ... but I was so glad you reminded me so that I could understand where I was better. Rae
I wanted to pass on some information after reading your very touching blog. My husband was battling the same issues and found out that he has a physical condition called histadelia. Excessive histamine is apparently very common in sex addicts. Google sex addiction and histadelia. The Pfeiffer Treatment Center in Illinois has been a life saver. It's been easier to cope with since finding out that it was driven by a biological imbalance he couldn't control. Hope this helps! Hang in there!
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