Over the last few days I've been having that nagging feeling again that somehow Husband is getting away with something. Not something new, but all the stuff he did when he was lying to me.
I know he feels like he's dealing with a lot because he's realizing how deeply screwed up he is, but he'll probably never know what it's like to have his context for life shredded, to doubt the world and everything in it to such a profound extent.
And he'll never know what it takes to stay with him. It's my choice, but it's challenging in ways I'm sure he'll never imagine.
So sometimes I find myself wondering how he's going to pay for this.
Ultimately, his path is his path and my path is mine, and we each have our own lessons and growth. That I understand.
But these thoughts and feelings do come up still.
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This is an open journal of my experience coping with infidelity and sex addiction. Or...What To Expect When You Weren't Expecting.
Resources
- What is sex addiction?
- Dr. Patrick Carnes' Web Site
- Sex, Love and Addiction - Dr Rob Weiss Podcast
- Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
- Don't Call It Love by Patrick Carnes, Ph.D.
- Seeking Integrity
- The Center for Healthy Sex
- S-Anon spouse/partner/family support group
- Co-SLAA spouse/partner/family support group
- CoSA spouse/partner/family support group
- When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron
- The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron
- No Death, No Fear by Thich Nhat Hanh
- Writings of Anthony de Mello, SJ
- Not Always So: Practicing the True Spirit of Zen by Shunryu Suzuki
- Surviving Infidelity by Rona B. Subotnik
- After the Affair by Janis A. Spring
- The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner
About Me
- woman.anonymous7
- Woman. Late 50s. In a committed relationship with Husband for 34 years. Married in 1997. Husband started seeking out lap dances to orgasm around 1994/95, hand jobs and blow job from prostitutes around 2001 when I was pregnant. Intercourse with prostitutes began in 2003, and was discovered for the first time June 1, 2007.
The Point of Marriage
"The point of marriage is not to create a quick commonality by tearing down all boundaries; on the contrary, a good marriage is one in which each partner appoints the other to be the guardian of his solitude, and thus they show each other the greatest possible trust. A merging of two people is an impossibility, and where it seems to exist, it is a hemming-in, a mutual consent that robs one party or both parties of their fullest freedom and development. But once the realization is accepted that even between the closest people infinite distances exist, a marvelous living side-by-side can grow up for them, if they succeed in loving the expanse between them, which gives them the possibility of always seeing each other as a whole and before an immense sky." - Rainer Maria Rilke
Posts
2 comments:
Darn! Why is it that all of my comments are the same -- Me Too! I've really found myself wanting empathy from my husband for what I've gone through. He probably wants the same from me though. Sigh!
I absolutely understand that feeling. I was being lied to by my SAB over a year ago, but I can't shake the feeling that he did more than be unfaithful... in that lying he deeply and utterly disrespected me, and I still want to make him pay. I am either mad or a saint to stay with him
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