Having accepted that the only path to the other side of this is "through" rather than around or something else, I'm now realizing that the path from point A to point B is not necessarily a straight line.
In other words, I'm wading through thoughts, feelings, fears, anxieties, etc that I thought I was mostly done with by now.
Husband's mother has been in town which stirred up a lot of stuff for him. And we've been trying to get at my anger in our couples therapy which has been bringing up stuff for us both.
Last night amidst those old invasive thoughts about Husband having sex with other women, I asked him if he still masturbated at work. I was worried because we hadn't had sex for maybe a week, and I was wondering if he was doing something else in place of sex with me.
As we talked I realized that at the core of the anxiety I'm feeling right now is a basic distrust of...everything. I don't trust the world to be the way I think it is. And this fear stands in the way of me feeling a deep connection with Husband. I'm afraid to let go and be in a moment of joy or love with him because I'm afraid to trust that moment.
I don't have any reason to think he's lying to me now, and it's not about that. It's as if on some basic level I've become unable to trust myself, men, and relationships with men. I don't think I'd trust any other man in a relationship more than I trust Husband, so I don't see a new relationship as a way "out" of this mindset or situation. But I can't seem to bring myself to trust Husband completely. I can't pinpoint what it is I don't trust, since I don't think he's lying or having sex with other women now and I don't think he will. But the hesitancy and fear I feel these days is related to trust somehow.
The other night we went to see a play, and there were several talented, beautiful (and young) women in the cast. I found myself watching him to see if his eyes were following them. As I stood in line for the bathroom at the end of the show I was feeling very inadequate, less talented, less attractive, less appealing, whatever. And suddenly I found myself reciting the serenity prayer in my head. Very surprising, since prayer is not a common tool for me. I clung to it like a bouy in the stormy turmoil of my fear and self-doubt, and I could feel it brining me stabilty and calm.
One of the things I continue to be grateful for is my developing spirituality. I still don't know exactly who or what I feel comfortable praying to, but I don't know that I have to have all that figured out in order to pray.
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It seems so unfair to me that you were going through that- feeling that way while watching a show. What was he feeling while watching the show? What do men feel in the same world while women are being constantly bombarded with images of impossible beauty that none of us can live up to but men can pay for and feel connected to?
I am angry that we live in a society where women have a harder time aging, that society sees us as worthless once we get older. I am angry that men can rent women and lie about it. I am angry that we can live right next to a man and love him so profoundly and see his pain while he doesn't even experience half of ours- like having to sit in a theater and feel totally fucked up and worthless. I've watched my mother go through something similar and I tell you, I envy the chance you had to fall blissfully into love and trust because I will always sleep with one eye open. I will never trust anyone like you did- all based on the pain I've seen women in my life suffer.
This new age of women is very disgruntled indeed.
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