The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Parking Lot Lady

I've been working on anger lately, and I had a moment of self expression in the parking lot of my grocery store.

I had pulled around to the front by the entrance to pick up my mom and son who'd gone back into the store for a moment. I pulled over far to the right so I wouldn't be blocking any cars that wanted to pass.

A woman came out of the store and looked like she was having trouble getting around my car. With a smile on her face she said something I didn't hear, so I rolled down my window and asked what she'd said. Still with that smile on her face she made a snide remark about how she was sure the way I was parked was really convenient for someone, but that it was really inconvenient for everyone else but she was sure that didn't matter because it suited me. Then she turned her cowardly, condescending ass around and walked away. She couldn't even be nasty and then stand her ground! Her self righteous tone set me off, and I called after her that she could have said it in a nice way, but that no...she had to be nasty about it because she was a nasty, ugly person. I continued shouting after her along those lines, and as my mom and son were betting back into the car I yelled "Learn to love your self, lady!" Mom asked what was going on and I continued loudly out my window about how mean and nasty she'd been and how it was because she had a mean spirit and was nasty and mean on the inside, and could have just as easily been nice but chose to be horrible and rude. As I kept on, we drove right past her and she started to say something back but I didn't hear her because I kept talking right over her as I drove away, on and on about how she was rotten and unhappy inside. I was so pissed! And I was trembling from the shock of having just done what I'd done.

She was right. I'd made a mistake and parked in a bad spot. But she was so unnecessarily nasty about it, especially considering I thought I was being careful not to inconvenience others.

This is a pattern in my life. I try so hard to be good, nice, reasonable, kind, blah, blah, blah. And when others aren't, I assume they're doing that on purpose, and I get so pissed off because I squelch my self expression in order to be good, nice, reasonable, kind, etc. So it was intersting to see that pattern appear.

But it was also great to actually have an outburst. I never do that kind of thing (because I'm nice, reasonable, blah, blah, blah.) I never have unruly, unreasonable bouts of messy self expression. I either get resentful or quickly rush to "how can I be reasonable? How can I be understanding?" And I've always regarded people who have such messy, angry outbursts as selfish and indulgent. It's amazing how messed up I am in this area. As if having spontaneous feelings makes someone a bad person!

Anyway, I was worried about this from a spiritual perspective. It didn't seem to do much for peace and harmony in the world for me to have this kind of self expression. Bad karma, I told my therapist. But she pointed out that maybe that was exactly what that woman was supposed to get on a karmic level. And for me it was definitely a moment of growth.

The next opportunity is to find this messy self expression around what Husband did. I think the anger is there, and I think I'm getting closer to tapping into it. But it scares me. I'm pushing toward it, though, because I think anger is just like the rest of what we've been dealing with. The only path that leads to the other side is right through it, not around it or in the opposite direction.


davka said...

haha. awesome. by not being a bitch all the time good stuff really comes out of you when you do! that is great to be yelling buddha-like truths at someone who was rude in a parking lot. "you're being nasty and ugly because you are nasty and ugly on the inside."
"love yourself, lady"

haha so perfect. if i were that lady that would have lingered in my mind all day and really made me think about why i chose to be so rude.


GentlePath said...

I feel sad that the word we use for a woman expressing anger is "bitch."

I've been sitting here for five minutes wracking my brain for something better and even using the thesaurus, I can't come up with anything.

Congrats on your breakthrough!

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Nothing makes me more furious than having someone tell me in a mean way that I've been rude or have made a mistake, because chances are that I agonized over the perfect way to do something so that it wouldn't bother anyone. I always think, "Don't you know who am I?!" Sigh, no they don't.

thejunkyswife said...

Cuntgratulations on your moment of bitchery! Breakthroughs aren't always pretty, huh...