The Beginning of Something Else

On June 1, 2007 I found out my husband and partner of almost two decades had been unfaithful to me since before our marriage, and had been having intercourse with prostitutes for 3 1/2 years. This is what happened next.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Rollercoaster and chicken neck

We attended my grandfather's wedding 2 weeks ago. It was the first time seeing much of my family since I found out about Husband's activity. Keeping a smile on my face and cheerfully saying, "Great!" when family members asked how we were was surprisingly stressful. Adding that to the family tension around my grandfather's remarriage and the prevalent general family disfunction on that side of my family is what I think initiated the brittle and depressed feelings I'm experiencing.

I reverted back to some pretty deep existential despair. My relationship has always been one of the things that was going right in my life. Right now I'm in a relatively stressful job I don't much care about, I haven't accomplished much of anything I'm particularly proud of, haven't made that much of a difference in the world, so what's the point? Right?

I have a lot to be grateful for, without a doubt. My amazing son, my good fortune at having a well-paying job and owning a home, close girlfriends who love me very much, a family that loves me no matter how disfunctional they are, and a sex and food addict husband who loves me and wants to do whatever he can to help me heal from the damage he's done to my psyche and my fundamental understanding of my existence.

But somehow that doesn't always perk me up.

In an attempt to pull myself out of an almost paralyzing funk, I've gone back to Yoga - Iyengar style, which I love. And that, along with my trusty treadmill and my books on Buddhist philosophy are lifting me out of the hole I've slid into.

I feel a bit numb, but not hopless and dispondent. I never feel suicidal, because that's just not me. But the valley I've been in lately is close to those I'd descend into early on in this ordeal. I'm feeling a lot of bitterness, too. Maybe a good sign that the anger is finally making its way to the surface.

And on top of all this, I think I'm getting chicken neck.

The only way through is through.


Misery Marketing said...

Nothing like having to hear wedding vows to make me wanna puke. The first one I went to (post drama) basically turned me athiest to avoid simply hating God. And mine only fell in love with somebody. I wonder if thats worse or better. Probably better since no way I'd have stayed otherwise. Now we are left to tread water on a see of hurt with shit like yoga trying not to drown. Maybe there a boat gonna come by one day though.

CV said...

Yikes! Nearly one year later and you are still dipping into deep feelings of despair and sadness. I'm afraid of that too. I'm one week in to the discovery, and I am overcome with waves of grief at the strangest times. I'm scared to here that continues for so long. I wonder if it ever ends? Then I wonder if it is worth it. I used to love my husband 200%, but that was a person that wasn't real. Now I see that he is certainly not the "great catch" I thought he was, so I wonder if my life will be better off playing itself out with a different person? Saw a therapist yesterday for the first time, and he let me know that relapse is pretty much a given. I'm not sure I can take it....

woman.anonymous7 said...

CV - It's valuable to know the trends, and also to understand that each case is individual, so while relapse is a high possibility it's not necessarily a given.

My experience so far is that healing takes a long time. I imagine that must be true either with or without your partner.

My thoughts are with you as you begin to navigate this unexpected path you find yourself on.

davka said...

woman7, this wasn't about you at all. you are wonderful. you are amazing. i'm so sorry that he did this to you and shattered you at the core. the way you are constantly striving towards personal evolution and growth is such a healthy response and this will be you victory.

i keep reading and wondering- how do you know that if you left and started anew, how do you know you wouldn't meet a man that would make you feel amazing and carefree, flirtatious, alive? i am not saying this is what you should do, believe me. i am just wondering, have you considered that possibility?

you are not getting a chicken neck. this pain is fucking with your head and playing tricks on your mind, girl!

woman.anonymous7 said...

Davka - Thank you for your kind thoughts. They make such a difference, especially because this subject is so isolating. Not easy to talk with others about.

You're questions were very thought provoking, and inspired my post today.

Catherine said...

Anger fueled my health spree and I lost 50 lbs because of it - I am still pulling from the anger reserves when I need a bit more energy boost at the gym - Amazing the positive things that can come out of anger well spent.